I see
my family all together
except me,
I can't but help to remember my dream
that I had
a few weeks ago,
I came into my home
yelled at my father
looked at him
and said" I know what you did"!
"I know what you did to me and all of your children"!
I REMEMBER!!!!!

Each day,
the flashbacks are starting to return
the memories
so greusome,
return to me
and all I Can do is choke inside,
and feel nauseous
want to *****,

the glass shattered
he stood there in shock and couldn't answer
I walk to my room
and it was all there
as if I  hadn't left or changed
but that old life
felt like a stranger to me now,
and me I was different now
more healed more in my power
more alive
with better boundaries,
and self worth.

I looked at my mom
who is not thin anymore,
and I think so really all along
your hatred towards yourself
was projected on to me.

when I see children with their parents
my heart aches so deeply,
all I wanna do is crawl inside and hide
and die.
For the pain inside overwhelmes me,
all I remember is so many horrible things.

It seems they have all tried to forget me and  erase me,
but it really makes me wander is that ,
because real truth, in the midst of dysfunction
is always true .
Whether people want to try to hide it or cover it up ,
so no matter what  they try to do .

I am their daughter
and I will always remember
and never forget.

maybe it wasn't just the men
in my life
maybe everyone likes to project
and hate
maybe its about evil human beings
and gender doesn't matter
maybe I can view life in a different manner
and see yes good men good women
good people exist.
Detached from ideologies
the world looks  a bit brighter.

Crying for all of the years of my whole life
where I couldn't cry
where I was so numb
since I was still such a baby
where I would cry and noone would come to comfort me
the other day I held the baby in my arms balling and crying
and I tried so hard to be patient with her ,
to hug her to have her laugh
it felt like my inner baby,
felt so comforted so alive
for the first time.

When I am with little children
I see my inner child
smiling back at me,
telling me good job
your finally starting to look at me
to remember our story,
because I though you had forgotten about  me
I cry as I  hold my own hand
over my heart,
I cried looking at my old videos and pictures
I cried looking starting to see myself ,
my grace
my beauty of my soul,
for probably the first time in my life!

Realizing all the lies I was taught about humanity,
how the only way to get love is competition,
if we are skinny pretty ,smartest the best
and I want to say to all that it is bllshit.

For today for one of the first times in my life
in my bigger body,
I thought maybe my body and who I am is amazing,
for I am me .
Maybe i am not afraid if I would gain weight one day
for I would still be amazing.
And there will always be people who will love me for me
maybe my whole life,
I  was obsessed with romance
when really all  I just wanted  was to actually love myself!

Although I still long deeply for a partner
for I have never had one,
I am working on trying to make this life better
and looking at my progress!

It's strange after I cry
I look in the mirror
and I swear my face looks better
and my heart feels a little bit better!

So I cry,
for all the years I  forced myself to smile,
instead of cry
for all the years ,
that I hid my anger under smiles...
I now play angry music and scream sometimes
silently sometimes loudly.

I am still learning to be comfortable, to be okay
with my anger.

Realizing my soul
has always been pure,
despite everything.

Realizing my trauma was not my fault
not my body's fault
and it was never my fault.

Thinking if I could meet my mom as a child I would tell her
to heal herself
to learn how to love herself
to choose better men
to go to therapy
to learn to love her imperfections
and that she too can love her bigger body.

I wish I could tell that to her...
for despite all of the abuse
I still love my family
I looked at their pictures
my mother my father and my brothers.

I feel so abandoned
but I have always felt this burden inside
I cried for my childhood and my adulthood pain
but knowing that was never love, what they gave me
it was mostly just abuse
for however hard it is ,
I will create my own family
in this life,
and maybe one day things will change
but the only thing
that I can change,
is myself,
it hurts so deeply.

Especially sitting alone in my
apartment ,
on holidays.
It hurts!

I wish I could share my pain
with others,
but alas
I am not sure who can actually relate to me.

I am sure there are many
who like me,
are silent with their pain
and just save their tears for their beds
at night .

But I see pain
its something I understand so deeply.

I would cry as a child
to god to take the pain away,
and I would pray for so many people
just like I would always pray for myself.

I am choosing to see my light
within my darkness
for they are all connected .

Within my tears
I find freedom
I find peace
I find sense
I find strength.
I am finding the love for myself
the peace within my pain,
the stillness.

where it all starts to make sense
how much I didn't love myself,
so of course I couldn't really receive that back to me.
I am crying for my old selves that didn't know how to love myself
I think the true home is found within ,
the more I heal
the more I love
the more I open,
I want to live a life with more softness
I don't need to grimace at life anymore.
Strength is inner strength
resilance
boundaries
finding meaning within pain
living especially when you don't want to,
smiling at the little things.
I have always been very strong
maybe I can also be soft.
like the earth
like the children
like the  water
like the body
strength is not in voilence
in war the way that the patriarchy
wants me to believe,
its in choosing kindness over pain
in choosing love over fear
in choosing ourselves over abuse
this is true strength!
In crying,
In allowing ourselves to feel,
truly and deeply.
This is strength,
healing from addictions
this is strength.

The more I heal
the more I cry
the memories
that I have supressed
start to come back to me
and while good,
how hard it is to remember
deep suffering.

All of the times
I would go home with a man
expecting love,
for my naeive heart
was never taught about the real world.

How I was brutally faced with cruelty
how I went to the police
and how they never ever fking cared
how everyone seems to have forgot about me
and my pain ,
how I am someone who has been so forgotten
how I smile and compliment  those who have hurt me,
out of habit
over  the fear of being hurt.

I wish I could stop !
How much I am trying to learn,
how not to just survive anymore
I am trying to learn how to live
for the first time in my life.

I am remembering the dark times
of when I lived on the
kibbutz
and how unsafe I felt there ,
sleeping on the cold floor
freezing
waking up early
breaking myself
sitting alone without friends,
how even my gay friend
objectified me there,
how the man I liked
and who treated me with kindness
couldn't stay.
How he was one of the people who truly  saw me,
how I was fired and sent off without a care in the world.
how the man at the hostel
assaulted me for hours
while I begged and screamed for him to stop
and noone cared except me.
I wish I could forget it all!

It hurts deeply to remember it all
so when people ask me if I smoke,
I now tell them never ,
and if they ask me if I drink I usually say only sometimes,
for it was by those means,
that my trauma came to me
most of the time.

But alas sometimes these things happened when I was sober
but it seemed like everyone else was so drunk with cruelty
and non chalatness to my pain.
I now have to train myself
show myself
convince myself
that good normal people exist,
and its a breath of fresh air and oxygen to see,
for when one is trained to be with cruelty
kindness seems rare,
when maybe it actually isn't,
I was just never brought up with it.
so there is my silent plea
of pain
of wanting to not be with my pain
but I don't have a choice,
sometimes it seems  I have so much of it,
you can see it written all over my face
buried deep in my eyes,
I wish I could  just wash it away
but the only way out
is through,
so each day I allow myself to cry
and with time
It is starting to feel a little bit better.

If I could tell my younger self
id say its so worth it to choose you
over your abusers
and that was never love
it was pain
it was terror it was abuse
better to spend a holiday alone
vibing out
or even crying out and feeling your feelings
while lovingly
drying our own tears and pain
than being with people who will never see us
or love us and our light
and that it was never our fault
not our bodies's fault or our brain's fault
that beauty is in everyone
and that we don't need to compete with others
in order to feel or be loved
that love is unconditional.
and that love is true love
when we are sovereign.
I love you .
That's all.

I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.