Maddy

Maddy May 2019

I just ran.
I didn’t fight,
I didn’t try to
Get him away from you
I didn’t pull him
By his shoulders and
Rip him from your
Near corpse, no.

I ran.
I just, ran into
The room with fear
In my hands
Making it difficult
To lock the door
And I never once considered
How the hell you would get in.

I never told him to stop
I never told him to go away
I never told mom
And I never had the confidence to say
What I needed to
To get him away from you
And help you breathe
Again.

I sat there on the floor
With my sister in my lap
With headphones in her ears
No chance of
Hearing the searing
Screams
Let out by your small
Body

I just let it happen

And with every breath
I took
I knew he was taking one
Away from you
Knocking the ability to properly
See, away from you
And I
Who was just scared
Sat there with no thought
Of trying to make it stop

God I’m sorry

If I had just pushed him away
If I had just gotten him off
If I had just let him see how it
Affected me and
Let it sink in that this
Is not how you treat children
Maybe I could’ve helped
Prevent it.

But I just ran
I didn’t fight
I didn’t try to

And it’s my biggest regret
That I didn’t help you.

I have a lot to deal with. Things I've never faced before

#abuse #****** #feelinglost

Maddy Nov 2018

what I love about my people

is that
we find the most
extravagant things
lying down
wallowing in
simplicity

no thing is nothing
when everything
has something to be
given

like
big sweater wrist cuffs
scuffing the sidewalk
when placing a ceramic mug
on the small mountain range
that is the pavement

like
the smell of
delicate
drops of dew nectar
cascading down
tomato leaves in the
early morning

like
just off center
just blurry
Polaroid photographs
taken hastily
in the moment of creation
that are now
favored memories

what I love most
about my people
are all the
little things

i'm trying to be positive

Maddy Nov 2018

whisperwhispers

brittlelittletinyfrail
seem like words you'd use
to describe something dying
or something delicate
something beautiful

brittle
like my bones
lacking the right
vitamin
because I won't let
anything in
past my lips

little
how I want to be
but for me
it isn't easy
constantly torn between
starve
and live

tiny
and grey
like the color of my face
when things get a little dizzy
after a day of standing
and going with nothing showing
in the x-ray of my stomach

frail
like my feelings
how I want to be seen
with secret strengths
hidden just behind my teeth
that no one will see
because, no
I will not eat

and more

I am breaking                 but I am made of glue
I am defiant                    but I listen to you
I am strong                     but I'm decaying inside
I am healthy                   but I'm surprised I'm alive
I am dying                      but I'm fine

WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONSTANT THRUM OF SUICIDE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD

never once does she say
'**** yourself'
oh no
she sounds like a mouse
a whisper
the first flower through the snow

she coos
'Just one less meal'
she sings
'Just one more day'
she demands
'Just one less pound'

her voice is like glass
hammered into my jawbone
sometimes when I speak
it isn't actually me

and I know she's trying to hurt me
the closer I get to her
the uglier she becomes

but her voice is like champagne
bubbling to the surface of my mind
telling me

brittlelittletinyfrail

wow. I'm fat like usual. nothing new. keep moving

#eithermakemeskinnyorleavemethefuckaloneyoustupidbitchinmyhead

Maddy Nov 2018

that's My girl

she listens to Him
as if His words can actually
define her

and He uses her
as if she is actually
His property

she lets Him
because she loves Him
and He lets her
diminish

He only needs her
when He is sad
or lonely
or tired
or *****
or hungry

she knows this
she can feel His
selective love
deep in the beds of her nails
as they run down his back

she knows He
only wants
her 'beautiful lips'
wrapped around his
'needing ****'
and she feels like
if she can give Him
even slight relief
her purpose will be
fulfilled

because that...
He told her that

He looks at her
and He knows she knows

He knows His grip
on her is being loosened
just like His grip on her hair

and it doesn't take long
for both of them
to turn
their backs
their hearts
their minds
on each other

until He reaches back out
wraps His warm
all encompassing hands
around her long
soft neck

while fear rushes
through her
mind
heart
down to her fingertips
she also feels the
addictive shake
of His voice growling in her ear

again
again again
'that's My girl'

I'm feeling a bit used. I'm feeling like a user. I'm feeling lost, scared, and a plethora of other negative emotions. I'm trying to read poetry to find some purpose. I'm trying to sleep more, sleep better. I'm trying to listen to music that doesn't keep me stuck. I'm trying.
I am failing.

#dominant #submissive #whatthefuckamidoing

Maddy Sep 2018

I feel

Replaced
In all the roles I used to fill
And hearts I used to occupy
In all the minds of those
who mine is always thinking of

Sincerely
Horrible
Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Deceived

Fat
Morbidly obese
in ways most people
can't contemplate even
if they tried

Tired
To the point where
my muscles ache
and everything is a chore
Including breathing

Lost
Like a pin
dropped in the sea
Just
so gone
that no one will ever
even try to find me

Alone
Because my best friend
has a new one
And my boy
well
he's just fine

Stupid
For ever thinking
that I was worth
more than I am
That I was worth
anything at all

Freedom
To destroy myself
in ways
I couldn't
I wouldn't
Before

Well, he's doing fine. Better than ever, infact. She's got a new bestie. Makes sense. I can't go anywhere, and this new girl can. Plus, I'm MORE DISGUSTING THAN EVER AND I WISH I COULD GET HIT BY A VEHICLE GOING CONSIDERABLY FAST DOWN THE HIGHWAY SO MY BONES COULD CRUSH AND I'D FINALLY BE ABLE TO SAY I LOOK AS BAD AS I FEEL.

#iwantostopexistingnowplease

Aug 2018

emnabee

The secret life of poets

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

A little escape from the madness.
Or maybe, into.

#secret #life #poets

Maddy Aug 2018

Pure

When did I fall in love with being this way?
When did I start to crave
not craving at all?
When did piercing stomach pain
and headaches
and gashes
become the epitome of beauty?
When did this happen?

Why do I love something so much
that I will never attain?
Why do I pledge my loyalty to the mirror
and turn around to pledge towards the refrigerator?
Why do I refuse to eat it
but my stomach looks like cottage cheese?
Why can I not get there?

How could I let this happen?
How could I promise to be pure
while pouring more sugar?
How did I think this was going to work?
How can I make it okay?

Who would even notice?
Who would say anything concerning
the fat girl
becoming thin?
Who needs to know?
Who would actually try to stop me?

Where did my passion go?
Where did I think those calories would end up?
Where,
here,
on me.
Where did I forget the pride
of walking on deaths line?

What can I do now?
What plan,
course of action,
do I take now?
What option is the least destructive
so I can take the opposite path?
What would Red do?

I ******* hate myself. Oh, so does the one boy I have ever truly loved. Oh, and the people who I thought loved me only pretend because they needed something. I will not let others determine my emotional state. Let them try to hurt me when I am my own abuser. **** this ****.