"I really don't understand whats wrong with you. You have a loving family and food to eat, and you didn't go through anything traumatic. You have no reason to be like this. It's like you want to be like this."
...
"We didn't even want to send you to therapy. We could've dealt with this ourselves. If you slip up once they'll take you away from us and put you straight into a hospital. Those people don't care about you, your friends don't care about you. Only your father and I do."
...
"Everyone else is happy and living their lives. You're the only one who is all sad. And nobody cares, they're going to just keep living regardless. Even I have to, so you're not going to stop me by being sad like this."

They don't understand how I can't control my need to
Pull
Scratch
Tap
Bite
Pinch
Rock
Pick
&
Fidget
Constantly
Because
I just need to,
To not implode.

Like, nothing thats happening to you is actually happening to you.
Like you're just watching other people's lives play out in a book or a movie.
Like you're the side character.
Like nothing actually matters and you're just doing it for the sake of the plot.

Like nothing is real.

Like you're playing from the third person, just above the character.

Like you're not real.

Like every day is just a repeat of the last.
Like you're the only real one
Like everyone else are just actors and someday someones going to come from behind the curtain and say
HA PRANKED.

Like the sunsets are too beautiful to be real.
Like the squirrels crossing the street stare for too long for this to be real.
Like all that is meaningless is too important for this to be real.
Like all the sounds are too artificial to be real.

Like nothing is real.
Like nothing is real.

Like how when you wave your hand in front of your eyes and

Its not real.

Like when you pinch your skin hard hard hard until you bleed and maybe it hurts it doesn't matter and it doesn't really because this body is not yours, just a vessel you were forced into because

You're not real.

Like how you're not even sure who you are anymore, because you're nothing but fragments of broken things, nothing things, nothing,

You're not real.

You're not here,
You're not in here,
You were never meant to be here,
You're nothing.

You're not real.

Losing hours of sleep
Hours of my life
Over things that don't matter,
Won't matter in a few years time.

Why?
Why must you torture me in such a way?
Why,
Why must you make me fall in love with it, the feelings of achievement and acceptance,

Only to break my heart when I fall subpar?
When I'm a B-grade,
Grade leveled,
Average
Disappointment.

Why is anything less than perfect disappointing?
Why am I losing sleep over this?
Why am I losing my life over this?

It lurks in the night
Waiting for my vulnerability
To lure me into its unforgiving hold
So it could wrap me in its cocoon
Ever so tight
And hollow my insides

Washing over me
Like a tsunami
Consuming me
Like a beast
Spreading
Like wildfire

And I cant touch the flames
I cant slay the monster
I can't swim countercurrent

I can't do anything
Except cry
And suffer
And reduce
Into nothing.

Hot water rains on my skin
The fog it creates holds me

Like you once did.

I breathe it in,
let it  travel   over     my           body
as your       hands          once            did
like I used to breathe you in
and the reminise our love left
in the air.

I close my eyes and let my mind float,
like the vapor,
to you and I
when we were still "us."

I loved you.
You loved me.
Why?

My hand detatches from the wrist
and turns the heat
up
        up
                  up.
Until it burns me.
Like you did, with your burning sweet caresses.

The steam fills the room
Fills my body;
an empty hot vessel without you.

This acid rain from my shower head,
It hurts so good.
Like our love.
Like before.

Now that we're you an I instead of we and our,
I’m just left longing
For the kind of hurt,
For the kind of love,
For the kind of everything that a hot shower can’t give.