The weight of expectations have been laid upon varied scales
regardless of results it's something I ain't carried well
that's how I know my dreams are just fairy tales
cuz your goals aren't something that you just barely failed
The start of how my doubts came to attain this leverage
I've bit my tongue and intoxicating prides my beverage
I need to be cut off but I can't start the severance
Everything amounting on me is dwarfing Everest
life keeps throwing you in your past and you're broken
you had the confidence, you were brash and you're gloating
warnings came subtle so you ain't grasped what was spoken
I don't remember the time it was last you were open
emotions you harbor have been dangerous to hide
you push em deep down, that's how anguish abides
now you hate yourself so much you languish for pride
it's even tough to put qualms you've vanquished aside
and you won't talk to nobody like your language has died and there's a lot on your plate so the pain pitched inside

how you expect to be blessed when it's curses you speak?
how do you expect guidance with no purpose to seek?
my heart wants love, my mind searches for peace
havoc is the only thing this nervousness wreaks

a two faced man, you're in the circus at least

cuz I say the only way you would do me a service is leave
when me and my words are all that versus this beast
yet somehow every time all my verses are bleak
I have nothing to look back on and say I accomplished
self disdain always comes as a ruthless accomplice
I can't release the anger that I've hid in my soul
my idiocy says I'll get out as I'm digging the hole
I can only feel more alone in a prison that grows
I know you hate yourself with such a villainous loathe
drowning in an ocean of hate not willing to float

cuz an ocean of hate won't let you be sure(shore) of healing or hope…….

They say in the end it'll be fine
But at the end, it's too late.

Look at all my missteps which have birthed hating
i swear the sweetest venom is a cursed craving
my brushes with love have made the worst paintings
i found the fountain of youth right when the thirst faded
i think it's obvious i became my first satan, so
God You're wrong for thinking i'm worth saving
Don't i make it obvious i'm broken and shamed
Eruptions that i can't move on the notions to tame
Thinking about my situation hoping for change
Knowing being more open means more open for pain
See how at times my thoughts are overwhelming
i can't block it when they scream out "we know you're failing!"
"Tell us now why you can't slow your ailings?"
"What you carry will crush you, we know your shoulders aching!"
i have never in my life felt more scared and nervous
Why show emotions that weren't prepared to surface?
i can barely find a smile and even rarer purpose
Any mistake means my mood flares or lurches
And you may think my walls aren't fair, but curses
But there's depths of my dark that do not care for searches
my anger explodes and i no longer care for surges
Ironic im yelling at You saying "i swear im wordless."
How long has it been i've been deprived of peace?
i have self harmful ways i've tried to cease
my life's a living hell but i provide the heat
im living with hate but can't decline the lease
i wish i didn't know how to disguise the beast
Any kind of hope is what i've strived to keep
But a failures what i am when described in speech
Dreams to arrive at peaks im now denied to reach
and i cant lie, i gotta admit that it's got to me
always being the perfect lesson for what not to be
Anyone else in my shoes could tie the laces
paying for mistakes is all i can buy with wages
let's be honest i'd never be the guy with praises
guess that's why i fail when i try to face it
Face i raced against my past and saw it get the checkered flag
i thought that i was it knowing i was never tagged
now i wonder if solace is something that I'll ever have
when it rains im poor and i see the weather's bad
i say i can't find the words when really im not looking for em
i say it's to avoid involving you in a crooked forum
You go asking your questions and i start shying from sharing
not speaking means you can't see how my lying is glaring
i shut out the fact i know your prying is caring
Only the paper and ----- know how im trying but erring
i have too many wrongs to feel right in my heart
i know a way to stop drowning but im fighting the ark
how many connections are you responsible for driving apart?
So far gone you're blinded by the light in your dark
My own criticisms have never felt constructive
A council of hurt i've watched my sins appoint
All of my actions have been so self destructive
But then again that's always been the point
i couldn't point to a time when i saw these habits begin
i wish different choices were made so i didn't have em to end
Lord knows not many of em were right for me
i never wanted what's become of this life for me...

All your future days are looking bleak and tragic
All your choices made have been wreaking havoc
You never let a drop of pain seethe this fabric
Life's driven you crazy and you ain't reaching traffic
The way you eats erratic you're only feeding habits
If they only knew how the thoughts that sneak in ravage
So if you ain't in hell why do you grieve in ashes?
Maybe the answer I need to be seeking's drastic
I desire a rest from battle
Life has me stressed and rattled
Is it chains or change that's left you shackled
There's only one answer why you're at best a hassle
My body just isn't finding energy
There's no winning a fight where your minds the enemy
Your eyes betray you where you're blind to inner peace
Everything tells you you're consigned to misery
Slashed by how your demons have clawed and sleep's a facade, i can solve both by just not breathing at all
I aint beating the odds or even keeping with God, im defeated and flawed, all im seeings a fraud
Fallen to a place where you're loathing yourself
And in turn you ain't ask or even hoping for help
you're the only one to ask where your smile has been
Ida been one wealthy lawyer with all the trials I'm in
Picture my life and the candids are trying
There's no situation you've managed to smile in
You don't handle it well as the damage is piling
It's become more obvious what your antics are hiding
There's been none before but this man is an island
So I have a place to vanish for silence
You blame yourself cuz you can't blame who's broken your bonds
Cuz everyone sees there's no pros in this Con
There's a reason all who've seen you open are gone
If you ain't on thin ice, you've frozen the pond
Why must I question if You heard me above
The only thing i do well is worry enough
Life is a test and the easiest question to answer is why I'm not and never been worthy of love
You feel your backs packed still you hated the lesson
There's no strength that can lift the weight of depression
Is it hubris or is it stupid you can't abate it's progression
Maybe you can't cut your ties to a fate of repression
God may as well send you to Hell you're not worthy to save
you're better forgotten, you see they've bought in to no mercy or grace
You're a failure i can tell you're only here to undermine
Father throw me to the darkness You won't get this son to shine
all i called my rocks watched me find the bottom too
Tell me what im good for besides bringing solemn moods
I think I've already found the deepest pit to fall into
I am just a burden so gift them with my solitude
How often I hope for these omens to spare me
Vagaries on all which you want broken and buried
i am aware the notion is scary
I'm still hoping but barely.

I struggle with how'd you'd feel if I would brandish my mind/I paint pictures but you can't see the canvas in mine/the perfect duality I am both damaged and kind/I pray that all these bad habits vanish, I'm trying/see the world with my eyes, there's no  vantage to pine/its a one that saw all of the best chances decline/like that day you quit school and left that campus behind/bad choices have been the worst bandits of time/and you tell me that it is but how can it be fine?/when a person like me is so bandaged and blind/there once was a point when you were outstanding and fine/but lately your way is something you ain't managed to find/maybe who I have turned into isn't how to be/maybe not being the greatest child keeps on clouding me/I think I have the right and the reason to keep doubting me/the water I chose to quench my thirst wound up drowning me/I feel like lately I've been living detached/too much outgoing and no one giving it back/this more potent than anything I've written in fact/I know you ask for the real but you getting an act/I think I'm too anxious, have I run out of patience?/I been through it before but it doesn't help with the latest/even when you look out for others your motives are selfish and I mean for heaven's sake all these times have been hellish/I see such an up on trouble in age/how do I contain all this bubbling rage/that only a few see cuz my subtlety ways/I'm paying more for it but can't double my wage/I'm up all night because my struggles a daze/me myself and I should be huddled to pray/tryna do too much at once and I juggle afraid/comes and goes still I jump in the puddles of rain/was once strong, now broken, that's how rubble is made/maybe it's my fault and God decides I'm humbled in waves/I never tell nobody so I haven't been lying/once again I'm paying for it, it's extravagant buying/my futures up in the air but it's not talented flying/I'm feeling others pain that I can't balance on my end/so many emotions it feels outrageous/I write and I write till I fill out pages/I wanna break this cycle but there's real stout cages/if I said I could handle it would you still doubt cadence?/and any relief on its way can't come fast enough/if you want the truth I feel I seen the last of luck/I'm tryna do my best so I don't flash my bluff/I'm tryna avoid a breakdown but this patch is rough/tell me how do you pick from such warring options/I wasn't even happier being poor and jobless/i take it each day but I'm not sure in progress/I say just think it through but I need more than logic/I don't wanna start feeling neglectful but what I'm dealing withs stressful/either it's not better or not true that this healing is helpful/the way I picture my life see it ain't photogenic/so why push yourself so hard when you don't know your limit?/God I'm feeling forsaken God I'm feeling Your hatred God I can't be more patient my life can't be more wasted/and I feel at this point most of my thoughts are desperate/and I feel like most of my decisions are reckless/do you learn more in the valleys than you gain versus peaks?/I feel like I can never have my anger released/I feel like I have failed to cage this dangerous beast/it's weird to feel happy but what's stranger is peace/and nothings come of it all man I hate your production/I don't know LoneA maybe your natures destructive/And the way that you been acting is deserving of Oscars/and I'm sick of the ways that you've adopted like fosters/you deal with the pain although none of its doctored/I just feel like I have run out of options/ so here we are, as I sit, writing lonesome is drear/I might never find a path for me that's wholesome and clear/you write paths to your thoughts just to close em in fear/has God sent you a message you haven't chosen to hear/it's no mystery to me I'm so certain I'm sinner/I should put all my flaws on the table like I'll serve em for dinner/so can you honestly blame me for not being positive?/if you knew you can't say I have no cause to give/I got problems and debts I need to pause to live/these words are my art but all I draws a wish/where to go if you got here trying to follow your mind?/if you so hungry why not try to swallow your pride/chew on that while you let your worries wallow inside/and you think you have the answers when you're called on to guide/My world is feeling cold it's probably like four degrees/everyone in my life has opened the door to leave/it's all I've ever known I'm looking towards the grief/I think it's become obvious that everything's worth more than me.......

To give someone a hand you would sever your own
And trust the ones saying they'll do whatever, but don't
When all that you're asking is to be treasured and known
But opening up reveals you as lesser and prone
You look back to see all of the effort's your own
You know they have actions they won't ever atone
Their presence will shrink as the pressure has grown like they don't get loneliness is never alone
i run from problems in vain to flee my sorrows
i close my eyes hoping I don't see tomorrow
Time is something i no longer need to borrow when the path to happiness was one i wasn't free to follow
It feels like my time has been quick and it's wasted
Tell me why i was picked and created
God i am so sick of the hatred but i feel like i was tricked and im jaded
ive given all i can and all ive gotten's crushed and damaged
Turn me into dust im famished my trust has vanished i cant adjust or manage God what else is left i must be banished
Theres nothing left to savor, every breaths a labor, each mess is greater, i failed my quest for favor
i couldn't cut it close with the best of razors
i come to tell You im depressed and tapered
Life'll teach you guess that's why my stress is major
How did i get to the point of thinking death is safer
How did....im abandoned in pain
Masked tears feel like im the only one standing in rain
i pray and i pray but God's not granting refrain
why am i the only one You never planned to sustain
I can't escape the toll of anxiety's bell
Dont stop now when You've never denied to me hell
If never in life then in death imma be quelled
With my demons hands around me at least im finally held
i hear them clear as they cackle in bleakness
And no one's running back to me to tackle a weakness
Head on the ground i am shackled and speechless
im not worth fighting for when what ive battled increases
...the useless rambles of a stupid dreamer who's weeding through everything that's rooted deeper
i'll never get why people bruise the healer
Leaving me acting like im not lost or wounded either
i try to keep the notions of your rival repressed
But it's like You're working to give him vital success
Ask and it's given is what our bibles profess so stop giving me breath, that's my final request

Stay worried to death what if one of us will lose our way?/and what if that's the reason one of us will choose to stray?/I can't describe my heart when I heard the news you may/I write with pens but I'm sure you would drink the ***** for pain/I know sometimes your heart makes it tough to use your brain/don't want this to end pointing fingers like who's to blame/I see us together but girl are your views the same?/I would hate to show how distant my once muse became/but what if it's all a joke what is this ruse to gain?/after all that I was hurt I thought my dues were paid/I thought I was through dealing with all the blues and shame/this could be a dream but will you hit your snooze today?/i'd hate to feel I'm played when I can't refuse the game/do I fight it do I leave it I'm too confused to say/if we take a break then I don't want a huge delay/either road we take at the end I just want you to stay/

I'm praying that you tell me this is just a phase/cuz If this goes bad that's memories I must erase/stare into my soul and know that you can trust the gaze/don't know which way to go so how do we bust the maze?/I feel the winds of change but I don't want the gusts to raise/I know you may be thinking now perhaps your crush was fake/I know you may be thinking now that we rushed to date/girl in the end I just want to know and then trust you'll stay/

We each have our problems and Lord knows I have my vices/might be insecure deep down I think that's the crisis/don't hide under guises talk it out I ain't psychic/if I pay for it, what the price is, to me this is priceless/is it something bout me like is it my niceness?/I think we can work it out but then again I'm biased/I'm feeling thin ice here and I never learned to skate/ maybe you could teach me baby if you just stay/gotta do what's best for you so I shouldn't beg and plead/all I've spoke is from the heart it wasn't said to please/I think the worst route to take now is if we head for ease/the answer to it all is something that I dread indeed/I'll give you my heart and for you I will shed the keys/I just want us to be the ones to work instead of leave/hotel of my life and I hope that it is fate/that you don't check out and you enjoy your.....Stay

I want you to fly but you've been stuck in the ground/you looked for dawgs but you couldn't find luck in the pound/so you adapted a style that left you ducking the hounds/you delved inwards when people came you shutting em out/the black sheep to be sheared the ugly duckling that drowned/you gave em your pitches just to get shoved off the mound/we all wanna be, but you looked away from buzzes they found you never wanted the cardio they got from all they running around/I want you to fly and you don't have to be a person of wealth/I want you to love you so bad you start nursing your health/this anger and resentment has only worsened yourself/the cause of holding your demons close and cursing your help/they ain't sitting in class still your senses are taut/yet beyond it all you still wanna give glimpses of thoughts/you paid attention and could do feats with the inches you bought/you can lose your vision but ain't that when lenses are sought?/

so whatever your dream is you wanna call the sky/I may not show it well but I know we all can fly/even me

My life has been full of harmful coping mechanisms/it's at the point I can't even trust my next decisions/I can't think straight I feel every steps a big'n/nothings been working I need a better system/been fighting and feel guilty I failed when I led the mission/ wasn't long ago I had confidence I was bred for wisdom/you wouldn't know because my problems weren't said it's written/all I'll let myself believe is none would have read or listened/I'm not there yet but I must say I dread the symptoms/all these contacts but none to tell I have no speck of vision/what's the point when your track record shows you've only wrecked when driven/I mean come on son no plan you have set has risen/You see it all around you, you know the devil is real/playing games with you, you can't stay at this level and chill/you promised God you'd stop but then you severed the deal while you would wrestle your feels like you needed something special to heal/I can't count your bad habits, you got several to ****/tell em your rebellious ways never left the rebel fulfilled/how long will it take until your demons convince you/to do something you'll regret although you'd never intend to/I've been running from my problems I feel winded as hell/I just want a story in my life that's splendid to tell/but your sins own you and you were even rented to sell/chained like you were sentenced to jail and no ones hinted at bail/tell me what you would do even with the charges lifted?/because you don't deserve it I know that parts a given/what can I say though, you are your harshest critic/doing a 180 would be your hardest pivot/I hate you so much like I am a heartless bigot/taking a trip to church just feels like the farthest visit/your soul is becoming one that carries the darkest pigment/if you don't clean it you'll be left with a tarnished spirit/the signs were obvious youd go off on a tangent/when things wouldn't add up you enraged and you ranted/they used to be seldom now those moments are rampant/this monster will finish you if I have to be candid/that's what you'd take it for so no wishes are granted/you carry the smell of defeat and the stench is so rancid/you're tryna find it so quick that your methods are frantic/on the road to success your car broke and you're stranded/it's like your only dream is living a life of leisure/but somehow you've never been using the right procedures/and people say they got your back, but you know the fact, it's only so they have a place for the knife of Caesar/how long has it been since you've had patience inside?/your silence and contempt are just agents of pride/vulnerable emotions you've been racing to hide all of this work for what man you're just wasting your time/all of the dreams that you were chasing have died/you think on your mistakes that keeps frustration alive/at best you and the problems that you're facing are tied/you can never advance if you put the basics aside/every time they give you credit you say the payments denied and lock all this hate away in the basement and hide/watch as your heart is gonna wind up vacant in time if you let nothing else in life but this complacence abide/have you got the message? It ain't been a race to reply do you even know the questions for the answers you're aching to find?/to become more open was not my resolve/perhaps my life is better with no one involved/I just wanna beat my demons like they're DePaul/opportunity may have redialed but I can't recall/tell me what you've done since you're flaws were recognized?/oh they've all been set aside? I haven't saw a better lie/they say your life hasn't beared fruit I got an orchard in mine/penny for your thoughts if you only knew a quarter of mine/ and they havent done a thing except torture my mind/and I can't see what it's doing to me, it borders on blind/even your successes seem to trigger the doubt/life has knocked you down with such a vigorous foul/most resort to downing bottles till the liquor is out but you've never been a one to mirror the crowd/You know when they talk about you that those whispers are growls, I don't have the answers to your problems will you figure it out?.......