My heartbeat feels like it is going a thousand times faster than it should be able to go.
It’s like a race car zooming around a corner, able to crash at any moment.
My hands tremble uncontrollably, like two tiny earthquakes set into my skin.
My palms are cold and clammy.
My face burns with the heat of a hundred fires right below the surface, heating my face and glowing it red.
There is a net in my throat, catching all the air I try to breathe.
I feel as if everyone is waiting for me to make a mistake,
To fall into their waiting, open jaws
My voice shakes when I speak.
The words barely slide out, and they sound clunky and sharp in my mouth.
I stutter, the darkest cloud on a rainy day.
I feel as though I’m melting with embarrassment and have to pinch myself to make sure I am still there.
I feel weak with the pressure of people’s eyes weighing me down.
I’m not sure what is happening around me.
The words that come out are prepared and stiff, like microwaved meals, slightly soggy and yet good enough.
By the time it’s over I’m not sure what truly happened
My actions forgotten, my words forgotten, to me and those around me
My wrongdoings and mistakes are forgotten in a whirlwind of mist to those around me
Those preoccupied with their own troubles and sorrows, their own prepared words, some like gourmet meals
But my mistakes stick out to me
A siren is going off in my head
You stuttered, you said um too much, you went too quickly, you didn’t pause enough, you didn’t look up and the people sitting before you, you sounded like robot without emotion or feeling, you messed up
My heartbeat, still beating like a drum, doesn’t falter its fast rhythm
My hands still shake
My palms are still cold and clammy
My face still feels hot and flushed
The sirens still go off in my head
And yet somehow I feel slightly more at ease

I know it's wrong
but all I want
is for you to lie to me.

I know it's wrong
but all I want
is to hear you say 'I love you'
once more.

I know it's wrong
but all I want
is for you to say it was all a joke
and that you don't want to be
'just friends'.

I know it's wrong
but all I want
is to be yours,
once again.

I know it's wrong
but all I want
is to hear you lie to my face
and say you want to be mine (again) as well.

Remember me?
I was the one who was there for you,
When you were down and out,
Lonely and sad,
Or really angry.
I was the one who gave you a shoulder to cry on,
A hug whenever you needed one,
Or just a companion.
I was the one who took you out of your shell,
And helped you fight your fears.
I was the one who believed in you,
Supported you,
Loved you,
And helped you up when you fell.
I encouraged you,
When you felt you were at your worst.
I did everything in my power,
To make you smile,
Make you laugh,
Cheer you up,
And help you out.

Do you remember me,
Or have you forgotten already?
Did you forget all the years we spent together?
Did you lose sight of the friendship we had?
What happened?
Why did you quit caring?
Why did you quit being there?
Where did you go?
What’s so important
That you can’t even make a little time for me?
You said you’d always be there.
You said you’d always care.
You said you’d always be my friend,
But where are you now?
In your own little world,
Absorbed in you,
So you forgot all about me.

Do you remember me?
Do remember all that I gave of myself?
Do you recall all that I’ve done for you?
Do you remember the lifetime of memories?
Well, I hope you don’t one day need me,
Because I can’t wait forever,
And I can no longer be a friend
To someone who doesn’t return the favor.
I hope you don’t remember too late.
I hope you don’t remember when I’m gone,
But I will always wonder…

Do you remember me?

i want you,
in every way there is to want a person.

from lazy rainy days
sitting around in underwear,
wrapped up in the covers
enveloped in each other.

to lustful late nights
high happy and in love,
too absorbed with each other
to focus on anything else.

i want you.
and i see so much in you
that counting all your perfections
would be like counting the stars,
there's too many to keep track of
and they just seem endless.

i am utterly in love
with every inch of your being,
every corner of your mind
and everything in between

i might not know what i believe
or where i'm going
or what i'm doing,
but i do hope
you'll hold my hand
and wander blindly with me.
because as long as i'm with you
i don't need a destination,
you are the journey.

i am simply enamored with your entity,
captivated by your character,
fascinated
infatuated
amorous
in love.

On that day which caused my voice to disappear,
All those around me rejoiced and had a feast, celebrating this moment
The words I say brought people tremor, fear or just pure hatred,
Everyone hated them the moment I moved my lips to convey along side them in hope to find someone who could become even a friend.
I was of course wrong all along, deserted for the reason that they found what I said in some sense weird or obscure, maybe irrational,
Was it my means or my purpose that scared them away ?
My looks or my style of conveying to appear more likable to them ?
In the end it didn't even matter for a second, as their false smiles carried the message of their fake friendship and intentions.
Maybe now that I won't have to converse with sound any further, those words of mine might reach someones heart and touch it instead,
But that is simply a distant dream, because everyone hates the words I say, perhaps it is meaningless to seek meaning in my useless self,
All I can do now is to heave in sobs,
Left behind, I can no longer even cry.

Frostbit fingertips caress the razor's edge,
Cold ideals implanting themselves inside my head,
Inadvertent gestures given effortlessly by my limbs,
Complacency of warmth never sets in.
This is an endless winter,
One where the air gets thinner,
A proclamation to the clement season,
War without a rhyme or reason.
Turmoil is elemental and so simplistic a feature,
Though personal and integral,
I cannot bear to brace this creature.
It's becoming deeper; this feeling urges my cliffs steeper.
Stepping closer to see the fall,
Negligence consumes my all,

Have I  let go of What I am?

I stand here with unclenched hands,
Retreating into my own,
Enduring this all alone.
I scream to remember passion,
Unheard emotions in breathtaking fashion,
Frostbit fingertips caress the razor's edge,
Cold ideals implanting themselves inside my head,
We are all the same; unique and indifferent,
Living as if this cryptic fever is isolated, but it isn't.

Have i let go of what I am?

I stand here with unclenched hands,
Retreating into my own,
Enduring this all alone.

Have I let go of what I am?

Between laughter and gentle hugs,
she hands you hatred and envy in a platter.
And screams above everything else,
and you promise yourself you won't turn out to be like her.
Between long conversations about life and love,
she springs out hurt and dissatisfaction.
And unhealed wounds  that leave scars and you promise again that you won't turn out to be like her.
Between braids and sweaty palms,
She gives you judgement and mistrust.
And silent tears that will haunt you forever and you promise once more that you won't turn out to be like her.
Between love and smiles,
You hand her hatred and envy in a platter.
And screams above everything else and you realize this time,
You turned out to be just like her.

The way she smiles,
The way she laughs,
Beauty is in everything she does.

She's a tender flower
Needed to be nourished,
Her eyes are the ocean
Telling a beautiful story each day.
Her lips are petals
Like of rose,
Soft and tender...

Her smile, her eyes, her laugh
Beauty is in everything she does.

When she cares,
It feels special...
When she talks,
It's so very different.

She herself is an entire miracle...
Because the way she smiles,
The way she laughs,
Beauty is in everything she does.

To be a hopeless romantic in a time when romance is dead,
Is truly a sad state of affairs in matters of the heart and the head.
While others’ concerns are twerking, *******, fashion and tweeting,
My concern is for finding a reason for my heart’s very beating.
Yes, the world’s no longer worried about love and romance.
No one writes letters, really talks, cuddles or holds hands.
Nowadays it’s all just friends with benefits and hanging out,
And it seems that everyone forgot what love is really all about.
There’s no courting, no dating, no gestures straight from the heart.
It’s all about how fast someone can get someone else’s legs apart.
Well, that’s not me and maybe I’m old fashioned or a *****,
But all the stuff that’s part of hooking up just seems rude.
No, I want the mush and the gush and all the sweetness too.
I want the courting and dating that leads into the I love you’s.
I want hand-holding, cuddling, and everything in between,
Letters and phone calls and to be treated like a queen,
But all I ever get is rejection and forever ignored,
Or I’m approached by men who leave me annoyed or bored.
There’s no brain or no heart inside of their soul,
And I know that these men cannot be the other half of my whole.
They put forth no effort and leave after my big heart’s revealed.
My heart’s been broken so much it’s a wonder it ever healed.
I’m tired of being hurt and constantly getting burned.
All that I want is to give my love and to be loved in return.

I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And forgot your reason to fly.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And remembered only reasons to cry.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
While filling the world with laughs.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
While we all thought it would last.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And struggled each day to fight.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
While you labored to hold onto light.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And felt alone while surrounded by friends.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And prayed for it all to come to an end.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
While your family stood by and watched.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And felt like your life was so botched.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
And that I couldn’t make you less alone.
I’m sorry you lost your happy thought,
But how could anyone have known?

I’m sorry that words seem so meager,
And will never be able to replace,
The laughs you shared and all that joy,
And the smile upon your face,
And if there is a single thing,
That could be wished or taught,
I would wish and teach every single soul,
To never lose their happy thought.

Surrounded and drowning.
What will they think?
Are they laughing at me?
Again, will I sink?
Sweating and thinking,
Can’t stop my mind’s pace.
I try to keep running,
From my thoughts constant race,
But the laughter seeps in,
And the tears seep out,
And all I can think,
Is don’t scream, don’t shout.
It’ll soon be over.
Surely they’ll leave.
Then I’ll be alone.
I’ve got to believe.
I feel like the joke,
That no one will get,
Like the person who’s so easy,
To leave and forget.
Avoid the big crowds,
For that’s not your scene.
They won’t understand,
How you’re stuck in between.
They’ll point and they’ll laugh,
Or that’s how it’ll feel.
Who knows what’s imagined,
And what’s actually real?
Just stay home,
With your cats and your books.
Avoid all the judgment,
The harsh words and looks.
Don’t deal with nerves,
The people, the fear.
Just avoid it all,
And stay right here.

Promises stitched carefully
Like an old worn out quilt
sewn only to soothe
all your mountains of guilt

You'll never quite know
about that empty scorn
'cause you weren't around
when my insanity was born

You were meant to come see us
but you never did
by the time you show up
I'll think- Too little to late

It took some time
to warm up to the thought
that this man was my dad
Who hoped love could be bought

I'm not saying,
that I loved you any less
it was wondering if you really still cared
That I was left just to guess

I wanted to forgive you
In hopes that you'd see
that left back in your shadows
was a broken, unwanted me

I was left with an image
of a ******* daddy's lap
That would one day grow up
to take another man's crap

You missed a few birthdays,
A Christmas or two
But what really went missing
was the father in you

You were always distracted
when we talked on the phone,
I was part of that old life,
you wish went unknown

Yes, you are my father
that now I don't know
The time keeps ticking,
as your daughter's grow

You keep running away,
keep turning your head
Oblivious to all the tears
on my bed that I've shed

I'll stay left behind
in the life that wasn't good enough for you,
Yes, you are my father
Just not the one that I knew.

Dear Adults,
I hate it when you look down on those of us in high school,
As if there's some sort of unspoken rule
That the time we spend in such a place
Is supposed to be sublime.

"Stop complaining."
I'm sorry, I assumed that when you asked about my day
I wasn't supposed to mask what I say
And tell you that everything is swell.

To what extent will you dismiss my discontent
Toward the discipline with hardly any discipline nowadays?

"You'll miss it. Just wait until you get into the real world."
The "real world"?
Why, suddenly, is my world not real enough for you?
From all I've been through in my life,
High school has presented me with the most strife, and so
Since when is a bit of resentment
Unjustified?

The nerve you pride
Yourself in having, presuming
That there is any amount of artificiality in my reality
Is infuriatingly consuming.

How can you think we could make any sense
Of the difficulties surrounding anything but what we've experienced?
This I cannot comprehend.
But maybe you want us to pretend?

"How was school today?"
Oh, it was okay.
I only dealt with misunderstanding,
The pressure of classes being so demanding,
The difficulty of self consciousness
That is amplified each day by bullies' relentlessness.
I only endured mental exhaustion
From switching subjects each hour, without option.
I simply struggled with your expectation
That colleges should long to give me an invitation,
Even though I'm being forced to commit to
A life plan I've made based off the little I've been through.

School is a privilege, we know,
Yet, so is possessing a job.
So why, then, am I a snob,
When you're allowed to 'complain'?

I realise that life could be much worse for me,
And someday high school might seem like a breeze,
But until the day comes when I become aware
That the troubles of high school cannot compare,
Let me have my time to vent, please.

Lost in between the pages again.
Just like all the days before today.
In between the words and the lines is everything,
And that’s where I get my biggest fix.
When I lose myself like this,
I become another person,
And live another life,
And teleport into another universe,
Where reality doesn’t exist.
All what’s real is the page and the story.
My personal escape.
My personal refuge.
On my shelves are a thousand worlds and a thousand lives,
And I’ve explored them all and lived them all,
And they’re mine to explore and live again.
Some are fiction and some are non,
But all are wondrous, glorious things.
How amazing is it,
That I can pick up a single item,
And be transported to another time and place,
And see things from another point of view?
I am worldly.
I am traveled.
I have been everywhere,
From the comfort of my chair,
Or my bed.
I have loved and lost.
I have been a warrior and a royalty.
I have been man, woman and child.
I have walked in the shoes of a thousand beings,
And learned from their journey.
Yes, this is my escape,
My pleasure,
And my passion.
I am a ****** for the written word.
I need my literature fix.
Pass me a book,
For there are volumes waiting to be read,
And I won’t stop until I’m blind or dead.

In the grips of the monster again.
He lurks inside the darkness within.
Sometimes he’s dormant, sleeping so sound.
Then he rears his head and drags me right down.
It feels like I’m drowning and cannot breathe,
And I’m fighting for something, a little reprieve,
But the monster he holds me within his clutch.
I try to break free, but stay locked in his touch.

When I’m his slave, nothing can be done,
To shed light on my world, not even the sun.
Engulfed in the darkness, consumed by the night.
It feels no one can save me from this dreary plight,
So I shut the world out and shut myself in,
For the monster’s dwelling inside my skin,
And he holds he down and drains me of tears,
While feeding my insecurities and fears.

He comes out of hiding and decides to play.
These are the scariest of all of my days.
He makes it impossible for me to live life,
And fills my soul with indescribable strife.
I can’t face the day and can’t face myself.
Yes, the monster gets pleasure out of this hell,
And try as I might I cannot escape,
For this is my life and this is my fate.

How can you run from what hides inside?
You can’t so instead I just choose to hide.
Hide from the world since I can’t hide from me,
And I never can tell where the monster will be.
In my heart or my brain or maybe my soul,
Or maybe he’ll take over me as a whole.
That’s what I fear most for that can’t be escaped.
The monster will destroy all in its wake.

So I fight to control the monster within.
Sometimes I lose and sometimes I win,
But the war’s never over for the monster inside,
And it will not be over until the day that I die.
I will fight and I’ll struggle and I’ll own this war,
And in the end I’ll know what it’s all for,
But one thing’s for sure this monster’s my own.
He is my enemy and I am his home.

We are the forgotten, the lost, and the rejects.
The ones who give love, but love always neglects,
And we are cast aside, but not without no effects.
Our souls are dying with no one to pay respects.

We are the invisible, the laughable, the misfits.
Not without our scars caused by all our critics.
It will **** some who become just a statistic.
That won’t stop the ones wanting to crush spirits.

We are the jokes, the gossip, and the rumors.
The ones who give you fuel for all your pointless humor.
The ones that get treated like cancerous tumors.
Wishing you’d have gotten rid of us sooner.

We are the options that you place on a back burner,
There when you need us, but you’re not a quick learner,
And we don’t have it in us to be any sterner,
So we will continue to allow you to be a spurner.

We are the geeks, the freaks and the nerds.
The ones who get hurt by all your ****** words.
You question our lives and even our worth,
But the geeks are the ones who shall inherit the earth.

My tired mind drifts off to thoughts of you,
And I feel like a prisoner escaping from a deserted island.

Holding hands with you,
Gives me the feeling of being a ray of sunlight making its way through thick canopies and finally kissing the ground.

Your smile casts upon me a spell of enchantment,
As if we were angels romancing in the skies over the fluff of ethereal clouds.

You send my heart to raptures when you embrace me,
And I feel as vibrant as the colour of the sky right before sunset.

Your tender kisses are poems on love,
Your lips: subtle metaphors, your dimples: extraordinary similes, your stubble is a hint of alliteration here and there.

And our love is eternal...

Isn't it funny,
How we can meet a person
That changes our life instantly?
Everything is reborn and improved
Just by hearing their sweet name
For the very first time…

When that person looks into your eyes,
They are no longer your eyes.
They are portals that have opened,
Exposing every bit and piece of you,
Letting them see your soul.
You’re scared, but you can’t look away,
Because their irises are the brightest color…

And just grasping that moment,
It makes you catch your breath.
The hurt of your past vanishes into thin air
Because you are incapable of remembering
Anything prior to that exact second.

Then, they smile at you for the first time,
You feel your heart soar above the clouds
Because it is the most beautiful work of art
You have ever seen chiseled into a human face,
Unreal, almost, the only thing still holding
Your feet to the ground are those eyes.

Yes, those eyes become your anchor, because
You’re not prepared for the melodic sound
Of their laughter ringing in your ears.
And you want to take back all the hurt and tears,
Turning it into something beautifully magnificent,
So that there’s nothing left but love in your heart
For you to give this person.

Surprisingly, your mouth forms a few words
To say to this person, although your brain cannot
Form any thought other than, “This is it.”

And now, you finally know,
Love At First Sight does exist.

Ignore the truth staring you in the face.
Pay no attention to the men behind the war,
And you will turn a very blind eye,
Until the death and destruction is at your door.

The cycle continues and repeats itself.
The ones pulling strings are the ones who profit.
Fear and population control,
While sinister suits reap all the deposits.

Disregard the truth right before you.
They're not here to protect or to serve.
They created the destruction, created the war,
And all of this barely strikes your nerve.

Try as you might, the truth is still there,
Begging to be accepted by all,
But the majority choose to refuse it,
And that will lead to our fail.

Unite we stand, but we can't stand in lies.
Together we band, but only in truth.
The truth's there to see for one and all.
You don't have to dig very far or sleuth.

The killing won't end till we open our eyes.
We are the puppets guided by suits.
Don't believe what they tell you to.
Stand together and search for the truth.

We are stronger united than apart.
We are stronger behind a wall of fact.
We can win the war hand in hand.
Let's reveal the real war wages in this act.