I wish that I could slither out of my skin
Drop it on the floor like a soaked through towel
Used to wipe all the blood of the innocent from my hands
Free myself
Unbound
Unchained
Let go.
Not a giver
Not a lover
Not a fighter
Freedom from the every day
Let go of the past
Regrets
Frets
Let it all wash away in the tidal wave
No loyalty
No dogged plea
Just a person from here to there
Anywhere but here.

Falling through layers
Clouds and colors brushing
Past the flashing lights
Freedom filling all of me
A fire lit within
Embraced by the concrete hands
My final sin

If longing gave me dollars, darling
I'd be a billionaire
I'd fly across the universe
Just to meet you there

I took this fragile box of glass and put it on a stand
And hoped and thought and cried for it to cross to different lands
It jumped and shook and trembled to life like a beast trapped in the sands
Finally with kit gloved care my heart was in your hands

You stick a needle in my arm
The other end a fountain pen
And I would bleed myself dry
Trying to find the perfect words
To calm the thrashing in my soul
A million memories in one last breath
On my lips would be a name in sin

I would rather drink these glass shards of truth
Than tea sweetened with honey full of lies

My lungs inhale and with every breath I know
In this garden of life thick with fragrant distraction
Shadows follow and brightness fades
Light in my soul will illuminate the way
Down to the darkened forest floor
If you turn your back and lose your path
In the thick of it
Let the flame in my heart guide you
Through the rose bush brambles abundant with longing
Back down to the cool healing of this burning ocean of desire

I feel your fingers trace gently
The shape of my heart
Every time a new piece of art
In my mind a permanent etching of love that is shared
Framed in my soul
An eternity paired

Equidistant
Suspended animation
Caught between
Living in a dream
Not quite in your heart
Not shut out
Your gravity has pulled me in
I can't go now
Lock to my heart
On the ocean floor
Flooded with wonder
I have to know
Watching light seep into my world
A million songs couldn't contain
Words in my heart that I need to explain
Darkness coming
Quickly now
Pull me in
Cast me out

Soft and slow
Hard and fast
I fell for you
In future in past
Distance between
Inches apart
Breath to breath
Heart to heart
Silly nicknames
Lyrics sent
Secrets shared
All of it meant
Soul to soul
Laugh for laugh
My life is changed
I won't take it back

The day is long
The water is deep
I am drowning
Not knowing what you need
Nothing has changed
Yet everything is different
Crazy is what it seems
Do I listen to the words
Are actions what I dream
A thirst for answers
The knowledge I need
A peace of mind
I need to be freed
From the questions inside
Voiced with no answer
Begging for scraps
A dog on your floor
Is this what my heart is for?
Tell it to me straight
It's what I need to know
Do I stay right here?
Do I pack my griefcase and go?

To the observer
On the surface all is calm and serene
An oasis, a river flowing down a mountainside green
Underneath in the current
What remains unseen
A creature bound in the rocks and the reeds
Writhing, screaming, contorting in pain
Inviting an end that is much more humane
These crushing boulders pin down no matter how hard the pull to escape
Desperate for oxygen, yet none to be found
A final shriek filled with water that won't make a sound

I am yearning for a grave
To be my forever home
A place to go and rest
While being torn flesh from bone
Somewhere to close my eyes
To know I'm to hurt no more
A tranquil space for this ragged heart
That was stomped to death on your floor

Love to love
Lust to lust
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

Because my brain in swimming in a goo that is made of me and you.
There are quiet moments loud as screams, but nothing compares to the waking dreams
Where laughter is shared and fun is felt in our own little world
Where we can help but leave all our problems ignored

I lay in bed at night.
Wishing
Hoping
Praying
Dreading
Goodbye.

"Come here little dolly," they said.
Snip, snip.
"You won't miss the pieces we cut out of you one bit."
Snip.
"There went kindness."
Snip.
"There went caring."
Snip.
"Now let's change the clothes that you're wearing!"
Snip.
"There goes anger."
Snip.
"There goes pain."
Snip.
"Now you can stop worrying, and don't be so vain."
Snip.
"There went trust."
Snip.
"There went joy."
Snip.
"Now you are worthy of the love from this boy."

Be yourself,
Wait!
Not that much.
You make me uncomfortable.
PLEASE, always be you.
Not when it's inconvenient for me.

So who is it, then, that I am supposed to be?

I am a blade of grass
Keep mowing me down but I grow back every time
Until you pull me up by my roots
Not even your fire can **** me

Pacing back and forth like a Tiger in a cage unable to process this primal rage
Wanting to know what is it that comes next knowing and everybody thinks that if they distract me with shiny objects...
I will just go away.

Thinking if you can just hold this off just one more day, this will be the thing that you don't have to say. I know I'm the problem, I see it in myself. You don't have to tell me that you're ready to put me up on a shelf.

Medicines line these walls and yet all the emptiness inside still draws all my energy into this black hole, ******* out my entire soul.

Demon heart pulls you in
Making you love me is a sin
Walking through life in a trance
I  brought you into this devil's dance
Suddenly feeling unchained
In this dream we can't be tamed
Hold me close and love me deep
Wake me never from this sleep

Slipping in and out of consciousness listening to the words of others
Pulling my own bones from my body waiting on you eternal.
Fuzzy electric, feeling eclectic.
My skull opening to provide access to my brain open wide.
Free falling through color and sound.
Waiting and wanting to be found.
Lucid dreaming, body screaming
A soul crying out.
Pleasure and pain wracking my body and brain.
It's enough to make me feel insane.

I am beginning to trust
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Out of sight, out of mind
Are not the same thing
Oh, look.
You came back as promised.
I can let you go but you're not gone.
You don't forget me.
Right ******* here.
Me too, lover.

Roses from your funeral
Plucked and placed lovingly in a bowl
Of glass used to enable your addiction
Lyrics of the last song you learned folded and hidden away never to hear your rendition.
Your guitar passed down through generations now gone, hanging.
Silently staring.
Daring.
Meet me on the other side.
Let me know what day it was did you decide?
Was it before or after you slashed us open wide?
We were waiting for you.
Did you know?
You said you would be there in half a day and nobody in the world could take me away.
What happened?
The madness creeped in and you couldn't pay for your sins.
Now I get it.
I run through this life, shoving everyone away just knowing someday...
My fate is the same.
Don't bother getting too close,
Or like me you'll be left loving a ghost.

I'm not saying I love you, but when you're gone, I'm gone too.

I can't say just what I'll do, but on the day you die I'll die too.

Bloodlust and new tattoos, my soul has been reaching out for you.

Close my eyes and dream of this, and undying love that can't exist. No longer stuck in a lovers tryst but a thirst in my soul because I need this.

Break it off and draw me in, the needle can't be removed from this skin.

Chasing you down the street, people scream and scatter.
You run from me, but don't you see?
I will pick you up to help you reach the apple on that tree.
You can ride on me while we cross the sea!
My intensity is there for you to see that you can always count on someone: ME!
Overbearing and complicated.
Let me help you!
This terrifying monster with outstretched arms just wants to hug you, just to be there!
Didn't you know?
I roar because I care.
Yet, I scare you off...
I'm aware.
🦖

I am beautifully contemplative
I wonder how many grains of sand are on this Earth
I hear the waves crashing on the rocks
I see the crystal blue water of the ocean
I want to become something outstanding in life
I am beautifully contemplative

I pretend to be a part of the night sky
I feel connected to sanity
I touch the soft fur of a black panther
I worry that my friends are not really my friends
I am beautifully contemplative

I understand that the world will go on without you
I say it only matters what you think about yourself
I dream that I am part of the Stars
I tried to be perfect for them
I hope that someday I will be
I am beautifully contemplative

Lightning flashes
Feeling this electricity burrow further as we go
Pinpricks of light
Seeping into the recesses of my soul
Surges of power
Keeping me up at night
Waves of passion
Lapping at my synapse
Slipping into your oblivion
Bring me down
Drag me in

I shake these words out of my head,
But they swarm back.
A million killer bees on a mission.
Filling my soul with dread.
Not enough
You can't hold on
It's all over
A full on assault.
The buzzing is enough to drive a person mad.
The hive has broken open.
They are angry.
Ready to serve a death blow to anybody near.
All I can do is curl up and say my final plea.
Stingers poised, they deliver.
Pure agony.
Last thoughts always profound I wonder...
Is this tortured death worth the sweet taste of honey?

Two voices become one
Our hearts finding the sun
Soul scrubbing at midnight
Constantly more insight
Missing you when you're not here
Wishing I was near
Lover?
Friend?
I'm in it until the very end

With loving hands you bound these ropes.
I didn't know that all this time you were tying a noose to hang me.

Severed
I send it to a place inside
Where other body parts reside
Locked away for eternity
Throw away the ******* key
Banish all the fuckery.
I can not give this the time of day
Or night, if you may
The door is closing
Seal it in
Unfortunately, to my chagrin
This won't be spoken of again
The love we have was not enough
Don't examine
It's too tough
You split my marshmallow
Open wide
Cut right through my elephant hyde
Too easy for you to run
So I tuck this away
Hide from the day
I can't go on another way
Trust?
Severed
I send it to a place inside
Where other body parts reside
Locked away for eternity
Throw away the ******* key
Banish all the fuckery.
Trust that simply wasn't meant to be.

I called my best friend today and had my heart ripped from my chest.
He said it's not you, it's me.
I text my best friend today and told him that the only thing keeping me from slitting my ******* throat is that my kids are home.
He said "Call your husband and go to the hospital. I don't know what to do, but I care about you."
I called my best friend today and he said "Hear my voice. You are needed here, I am one voice that needs you."
I called my best friend today and I am STILL HERE.

I was an empty vessel
You planted a seed
Watered my soul
Now my garden flourishes
Under your care
I bloom

Wake up to a blanket of stars laying peacefully across the sky
Driving in exhilarated silence to meet
Roxy Anne waiting to show us her peak
Navigating the terrain, your hand in mine
Watching as the sky moves from black
An explosion of purples, orange and pink
We make love looking out over this valley
Knowing that the same place that brought us together
Will divide us in the end

Fifty-four seconds
Straight through my soul
An aching in my bones that leaves me shaking
Thinking of your voice
Needing your touch
Always too far
Never enough

Listening to the words you say rattle in my brain
Tears flowing freely
I slip down in the water
Heat covering my body
Everything becomes blurry
I can't see my way through
A deep breath
Warmth filling me
The world fades away
Never to see another day

I am banging on the walls screaming
Come and get me
Can anybody hear me
Trapped in a box
****** claw marks down the sides of this cage
Free me from this pain
It's too much
I can't breath
Let me out
Set me loose from the misery
Please

I feel you with me.
I feel your callused hands slide down my body, your breath hot on my neck.
Your whiskers tickle as you kiss down my spine.
I know what would come next.
Pandora's box opened and this creature won't be banished.
I hear your voice.
I feel your passion, the heat cascading off your body.
My Parisian dream.
I smell you.
I have your aroma stuck in my mind.
A sweet and salty mix.
I know you.
Wild, untamed, free from pretense.
Yet your mystery draws me in.
I need you.
I have dreamed of a future so full of veneration.
Desire has taken over.

If I lay down and close my eyes never to wake again lay me down in a bed of flames to melt my bones.
Set a wreath out on the floor and wrap garland around your door.
As the world moves on and they sing the Carol Of The Bells know that my soul will be waiting.
Decorate your tree with gentle hands, stringing lights and hanging peaceful memories as you go.
Fill my stocking with cinnamon and cloves and know that on Christmas morning you will find that neatly wrapped under the tree is a last gift from me.
It is scarred and broken, but it is the most precious posession. Treat it well, keep it close and know that you are the only place I want to be for all of my eternity.

I stand across from you
Heat pulsing from my body
Fireworks screaming inside me.
There's fear and excitment.
Souls collide and what bursts forth is fast and furious.
Fire and flame come to burn the past away.
An inferno.
Standing on the edge of a precipice, needing wanting, dying.
We fall.
We swim in waters deep and rushing, drowning and pushing, fighting for air but never breathing.
Drink it in.
Seeing is believing and just as the end draws near there is hope in a million stars exploding with light.
Hearts turned molten run free.
Spin in and out of my arms again, bursting into flame as you go igniting my world once more.

Lying in bed
Trying not to scream
Hoping to wake
Is this a dream
Flying so high
Falling so low
Wondering
Where will this go
Every step I take
Hoping that my mind won't break
I am climbing this mountain
Searching for something
But is it isolation or solace

The day started out just like any other
Screaming boys throwing toys
Feet pounding like thunder

Tummies were rumbling
Energies depleted
Mom decided that breakfast was needed

While in the kitchen cooking
Always taking requests
Chocolate blueberry pancakes sounded the best

With pancakes on the stove
Aromas in the air
Two sets of tiny feet ran to the dining room chairs

With pancakes in sight
They squealed with delight
Ready to devour their share

While waiting for food
Conversation turned rude
One child shouted "MY PANCAKE, MOVE OVER!"

Knowing her children
Things could get heated
Trying to intervene she said "Move over, then stay seated"

Before she could turn her back
There was a shove a BOOM and a CRACK
Followed by ear splitting screaming

She pulled the cooking pancakes from the stove
Ran through the baby gate and dove
Looking to see if he was bleeding

His forehead was red
Blue and purple bruises already spread
A goose egg was starting to show

Pupils were checked
Tylenol and snuggles were given
Then mom returned to finish up her mission

A few minutes later
One hit the other with a Tow Mater
He fell to the floor
Thus ending the great pancake war

I once was brilliant.
Words flowed freely through my mind down my arms, to my paper...
To the world.
Ambition.
I knew that I would be a doctor, a life saver, a game changer.
A disease curer.
Curiosity.
It fueled me, freed me, lifted me.
A spark in the dark.
Literature.
It lured me, transported me, made me an addict of the wordsmith.
A literary scholar.
Life.
It derailed me, impaled me, stole my thunder.
A reminder that plans always change.

I am told often "I would never have know, how do you have such a normal life?"

Let me tell you my secret.

I smile while in my mind I see all the tragedy.

I always answer an octave above and with word that wouldn't be used by someone who wasn't more than "Okay."

I pick out the small triumph and polish it until it shines brighter than the sun even though it was just a pebble on the ******* BEACH that is my life.

I belly laugh at jokes even though on the inside I think "You *****."

In short: Fake It 'Till I Make It.

I feel like I am being suffocated.
Nobody has more than 30 seconds to hear what I have to say.
I drop everything and run to these people when they need me, but the reciprocation is just not the same.
I choke on these words that constantly flow through my brain.
By the time somebody stops long enough to hear me, I have shut away the pain.
I listen with open heart and give advice to those who ask.
I try to speak, but I feel like I am choking on glass.
I deal with it by shutting down and growing emptier every day.
My eyes will turn dark and their shimmer will fade away.
My words will eat my soul, and soon it will be lost.
I will sit here in silence becoming an empty shell, and when you come to speak to me you won't be able to tell.
I will answer with a smile and generously give advice, but I will never forget that when I needed you, you were as cold as ice.
Someday I will disappear and nobody will notice I have gone to live with these words in my own eternal hell.

A crisp new sheet of paper
My favorite color pen

A bright white screen
A cursor waiting on me

Starting out with Dear
My cursive scrawl on the page

Dude!
Some clinical font

Proper use of grammar
The love and care showing on the page

Unintelligible words
Carelessly tossing the conversation to the side

Elegant phrases
Sealing these words with a sigh and a kiss

Send
Now what was I doing?

A stamp and an address

A tangle of binary code

The rush of exhilaration upon receiving

The annoyance of another buzz

The excitement of knowing that somebody cares

The annoyance that the mystery is gone

Which do you choose?

It is feeling alone in a room full of people
It is feeling like you have nobody to turn to for support
It is the constant feeling that something is missing
It is the lack of emotion
It is the hard exterior
It is the need to be accepted
It is the feeling of being your own best friend
It is the feeling of being your own worst enemy
It is the feeling of dread to go to sleep, for fear of missing out on nothing in particular
It is the pain of not knowing
It is the pain of knowing
It is the animosity
It is the acceptance
It is the feeling of betrayal
It is the fear
It is the anxiety
It is the fact that at some point, you will lose everybody that you love
It is the feeling that you might as well not bother loving at all
It is sad
It is me