this is the seventh year
i have laid awake
in the small hours of the morning,
seized with insomnia,
reliving the night you died,
knowing that a part of me
will always blame myself--
no matter what my therapist says.

this is the sixth year
i have known
i'll sleep eventually.

this is the fifth year
i can't find the right words anymore.

this is the fourth year
i was able to celebrate you
instead of merely mourn you.

this is the third year
i have had a teaching job
and had to call in sick
because i can't fall asleep until 4am
when all i can do is stare,
bleary-eyed, into the snow and stars
and ask myself why the hell
i ever went to sleep that night.

this is the second year
i've realized your voice
is fading from my mind,
and it scares me.

this is the first year
i've realized that it gets better
but no easier.

3rd degree burns
pierce my chest
every time your name plagues my phone
I'd rather sell my tongue
than talk to you again
chemicals wash my throat and
needles fill my mouth
when I flash you a smile
or have to tell you
one more time
to be good to yourself

upon the scaffolding of your bones,
she builds.

where a heart used to beat,
she invents a wild chaos with taut strings,
a mechanism fueled by *******.

she paints the walls of your long-silent skull
with a fresco of desires you never harbored,
vices you never possessed.

systems of ascension are fixed to your spine;
an express elevator, a jet, a zeppelin.
with glee, she crashes each one.

her vision shreds the blueprints.

and i, who walked the old halls,
who knew the sonorous echoes of your heart's hollow,
who learned the secret passages and the warmest rooms,
am powerless to halt her sabotage.

A secret lives within her mind, and he whispers to her all night.
The nightmares don't end when she wakes, they continue to give her a fright.
They are demons that want to soothe the soul.
She grabs the razor and begins to draw, her eyes are black as coal.
This is how she lives.
Because the monster is in control and he never gives.

Baby girl, little angel, do you hear that song?
Don't listen close your ears, it will lead you to wrong!
Do you hear that sweet sound?
That is the sound of your tears as they hit the ground.
Do you see that beautiful face?
That will lead you to a darker place..

Depression is a monster, and cutting is relief..
So don't judge until you have felt her grief.
She is just a baby, alone in this cruel world, she has no one.
Do you know what it's like to live in a world with no sun?
The map to heaven, is written in the stars..
Soon she will make it, just look at all her scars..

Sweet darling, mommas angel, please listen to my words voice..
Put down that razor, you have another choice!
She runs away from it all, inside her mind.
But the fallen angel is there, and he is not kind.
He holds her, and sings to her that sweet song of death and pain.
No wonder she is hardly sane..

There is a story to this beautiful girl, she always wears a smile, have you seen?
She has a heart of gold, never mean.
She loves with all she is, only to be broken down to nothing more than a shatter heart.
Cupid has seemed to forgot to shoot her with his dart.
This baby has never even lived, and she is already ready to end it all.
Do you know how hard it is, so see you angel fall?

She is 16, and already she dreams of flying with the angels above.
Flying, and at peace like a white dove.
She smile in the face of all her friends, but cries herself to sleep at night.
This battle is not a fair fight.
Do you know what it's like to be trapped inside your mind?
To know no emotions that are kind..

But this will be her last morning, her last faked smile.
Because today she will no longer go that extra mile.
She writes letters of goodbye to ghosts.
Because she has no one she kept close.
She draws the blade across her skin, once, twice, and many more.
Now she will fly with the angels and her heart will soar.

i need it: the concrete floors
that send electricity through the soles of my shoes,
the ascent up stairs, cold metal under my palm
as lana sings to me and i give her my own words in return
and the pillars of my past rise up before me.
i need the now-familiar halls, the gleam of wood and glass
appropriately placed. i need the embrace of cold air,
heavy with home smells: vulcanized rubber, sweat,
fresh ice. i need my wall, my stairs, my home address: 112, 3, 12.
i need my family, related by blood and ice, by joy and frustration,
by elation and tears. i need the ceiling off its trusses,
the pitch black, the red lights, the resounding bass,
the cold and reverent silence as the bulbs sizzle back to life--
the opening face-off, teeth gritted, fists closed.
i need the smack of sticks against ice,
pucks stinging red pipes, blades scraping up snow,
the crunch of the boards, the red light and the deafening horn,
six thousand people erupting in screams, one entity,
every hand pointed to one end of the rink. i need the urge to
bite my nails, an adrenaline rush, i need to clock-watch,
i need to ***** and laugh and yell and grin, i need to
collapse and breathe when the buzzer sounds, three more points,
closer to the penrose, closer to the ncaa's--
i need hockey.
i need home.

She was walking alone in the rain.
All of life was just so full of pain.
She smiles throughout the day.
No one asks, so there is nothing to say.
That's the funny thing, about walking in the rain..
No one can see the tears falling endlessly down your cheeks, no one can see the pain.

She wakes up and she starves herself, trying to be perfect in someones eyes.
No one notices all the pain, or how often she cries.
Depression overtaking her mind.
All she feels is pain, never love; nothing kind.
There is a secret she buries deep within..
And if anyone knew, they would say suicide is a sin..

She is going to let the smile fall, she is going to succumb to the pain.
Nothing more to say as she walks through the rain.
She walks to the place she will say goodbye..
Somewhere beautiful so no one will cry.
She smiles as the blade slides across her wrist.
Darkness has tainted her soul, demons kissed.

She lays down, looking up at the skies.
The most beautiful thing in her eyes.
She starts to close her eyes, the blood flowing free.
She whispers, im coming home, to fly with the angels, can't you see?
Soon her vision fades to black.
She knows, it's to late no going back..

In the rain, she lay there dying.
Everyone thinking she was happy, never seeing her crying..
She hid it well, but you should have seen.
How could you not hear, the nightmare, it made her scream..
You ignored the signs, they were all clearly there..
So, she knew, no one would care.

She took her life, and you sit and wonder why..?
You have no right, because she was begging you every time she would cry.
You ignored her pain, because you were scared..
You showed her, no one cared..
She was a broken heart in a shattered world, she would spend hours in the rain, crying..
When inside, she was already dying..

Famous last words, Im fine, and out came that smile.
When in reality she was begging, look, please save me, go the extra mile..
But you took her word, and that sealed her fate.
She was living in a dying state..
Her eyes could not lie.
So why did you listen, when the tears were always there, about to cry..

You will never know the reasons why.
So don't torture yourself with the questions, because no matter what she was gonna die..
You could have looked and seen, always going for a walk in the rain.
The only time she could clearly express her pain.
She will live in our hearts, a memory..
But what she needed was you to see...