I feel lost
and I don't know what to do
or where to go
how to feel

i glance
at this
clock because
this block
will never
stop
oh how
i hate
this frickn
clock that
only ever
shifts when
i dont
stare and lift
my hands
to my
head where
these thoughts don’t
fit
oh my god
where is my
sanity
all i have left
is profanity
i need to
purge myself
of vanity
and
focus
focus
focus
on this clock
that prevents
me of thought
oh what i
would give
to not
live in this
twisted plot
where tears
fall
and fears
stall
and ears
hear all
they should
not
but i cry
nonetheless
maybe if i
die i can
finally shed
the stress
against the wall
here we
go
i sit and let
the demons
call
call
call
my name
to play
their game
but i cannot
blame these
voices give
me the
shame
for what i
create in
this ******* up
head
only adds
to the dread
that follows me around
invisible and
without sound
but still
it drives me
into the ground
what would
happen
if i drowned
in this misery
oh why do i
try to find
victory when
all i ever
win is
self-inflicted injury
another
cut
cut
cut
makes me
feel somewhat
at peace
nevermind the
blood but
the marks might
draw attention
gotta cover
up not to mention
lie
lie
lie
im alright
didnt sleep
last night
im just
tired
tired
tired of
this fight
that just might
end me
what will
come free my mind im
floating at sea
calm breeze
my
thoughts tease
me
hope flees
and again i am
left to sit
and grit
my teeth
as class continues
i want to
hit
hit
hit
my head
against
the wall
the bell
sends me
into shock
i glance
at the
clock
as my body
begins to
walk
walk
walk
out of this
hellhole
I have worked
hard for
this
freedom though
i know
it will go
as i return
for school
tomorrow.

I hide my scars from the world
because its embarrassing
for the world to see the dark parts
the times it got so bad that I started to slash
and attack myself
because it made me feel
something
I'm not proud of it
but it was a coping mechanism for me
and sometimes I relapse
and I do it again
and feel the guilt
but I feel
sometimes
these scars
make it hard for me to
interact with people
do therapy honestly
swim
show skin
feel love from others
and feel love from myself
but they show my journey
but my journey scares people
I just have cuts and slashes
and they will stay with me
It feels like I'm in a forever relapse

I wish you were here
so I could hold you close
I wish I could hug you when my soul is crying out for someone
and that I could be there for you if you are to ever need me
I wish that soon one of us could get a car so we could have a magical day
and many more that follow
I wish I could see you and your smile each and every morning
and that I could wake up and see you next to me through the change of the seasons
I wish that in the mornings I could greet you with the cup of the perfect temperature tea or coffee
and the occasional breakfast in bed
I wish that every night after collage we could make dinner together
and talk about how are days are and what funny thing the birds did
I wish that we could travel the world together
and make beautiful adventures together
I wish that one day I could call you mine
even though commitment can sometimes be scary
it would be scary up in till the point where my brain would realize that it would be with you and how happy that would make me  
but for right now we are on earth together
as love hungry teens
fighting to stay alive and do school  
and be the perfect person
hoping that one day our wishes would come true

I shake and people worry
I pretend I'm normal and okay
but inside I'm dead  
and while I have my normal mask on
they treat me like I am a person
not some depressed, psychopath
when I am normal to them
they hug me and this feels like ants
they touch my shoulder i shutter
it all fuels my anxiety
my leg begins to shake
my mind begins to race
I hear every noise in the crowed
it fuels it from
the sniffle to
the bobby pin that fell out of her hair
the world is so loud  
the words in the world come to me so negatively
maybes gives me no hope  
when people tell me I'm alright
**** when I tell myself I'm okay and I'm not
laughter makes me want to give up  on every thing
its the one thing I would give the world to do again
is real laughter
a smile that is not fake
because I know that I'm broken
when people think I'm normal it scares me
and i don't know how normal people do it

I know I shouldn't but I do
People don't want me to but I do
It hurts me
It hurts them to
I feel pointless and bad
I relapse and relapse and ******* relapse
They tell me self care
I do
It doesn't help
Nothing dose
They talk and consider
About what to do with the ****** up girl crying in the corner
They yell at me
Scream at me
To feel happy
To get better
But it feels like I won't ever
Ever get well

how do you tell the ones you love
that you don't want to exist any more
but you don't want to die
like you would be okay with just poofing out of existence
but you will not try to end your own life
you start to give up
because the absence of feeling
is to much
I use to cry for hours
now it comes in waves
i'll cry for two minutes
and lack all emotions for hours
and then night falls
I can't sleep
but I feel anxious
so anxious
I start to shake
and panic
every night
same time
my nightly panic attack
and I'm sick of it I want emotions back