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139 · Oct 2018
If You Only Knew
Slightly Lovely Oct 2018
If you only knew, that your depression, your despondency, would only last a moment...
I beg,
Don't make a decision that is eternal, for one period of time.
For one year of bleakness.
Don't deprive yourself of a happy ending.
If you only knew how much love for you I've been given.
If you only knew how many hours I spent praying for you.
How often I sobbed.
If you only knew how much He loves you.
If you only knew of the joy awaiting you, how, the life in every fiber of your soul is so incredibly inspiring.
If you only knew...
My best friend attempted suicide in 6th and 7th grade. both of those times i added something to this poem... It's not the best, a bit outdated and prematurely written, but it was a very healthy coping method for me.
139 · Feb 2019
fairy tales
Slightly Lovely Feb 2019
Fast asleep
Dark, alone in the deep
Rise again
oh, how beautiful it was then.
137 · May 2018
Leave
Slightly Lovely May 2018
Leave his heart
Forget his face
Surrender  his smell
You need to forget this place...
You're no longer his counterpart
Give up his embrace
Forget the fact, you knew him well
We'll never close this amount of space
136 · Mar 2022
Rot
Slightly Lovely Mar 2022
Rot
There was a softness in me,
coveted, beloved,
my soul and body filled with rot
a decaying, spreading decomposition,
an instability I could not hide.
the putrefaction showed in every word I spoke.
it spoke of weakness and vulnerability.
In order to survive, I ravaged myself,
tore out every mailable piece,
and cut away my roots,
I removed myself from the soil which had so corrupted,
and now I grow, missing pieces and hollowed out,
but I am still here,
and I am no longer soft,
but instead I am withstanding and hardened
Slightly Lovely Mar 2021
I collapsed inward,
a tidal wave crashing down as sobs ripped through my whole chest.
You held me tight against you,
a hand holding my head to your heart as I broke,
and when you asked if I wanted to talk about it,
I didn't know how to say
"you"
131 · Apr 2018
Simply Sad
Slightly Lovely Apr 2018
I’ve been dreaming about you
And I realised, i never got to know
Until i realised that we were overdue
You were already gone
And your broken parts
Were scattered and twinkling
like the morning dew
In the morning dawn
Always out of reach
130 · Apr 2018
T O R N
Slightly Lovely Apr 2018
You took me away
She needs me
And you tore me away

A friend, beautifully minded
Forever alone
Trapped in a darkness
And when she needed me most,
You took me away

I’m sorry
I'm so so sorry
129 · Apr 2018
Nonexisting
Slightly Lovely Apr 2018
What do i do
Can you please be concerned
Try to understand
My world ends almost every week
And you just stand there
I can’t do this without you
I deserve to sleep at night
But when your gone,
I wonder if your ok
School is getting so hard
If you don’t come back
I’ll be dysfunctional
I won’t come back
I’ll stay in my mind
Nonexisting
129 · Apr 2021
I have a Liar of a Father
Slightly Lovely Apr 2021
"I'll love you forever," you say,
Holding me against you,
as you twist the knife in my stomach
"I'll always protect you"
as your poisonous words
"I don't believe you"
rip my stomach to shreds.
"I'll always be there,"
a stark lie spoken the night after
you told me you wouldn't walk me down the isle
you're a ******* liar,
and I'm tired of pretending you're not
128 · Sep 2021
Molten
Slightly Lovely Sep 2021
I want to ravish and scream,
I want to press my tongue into someone's mouth,
I want to press this burning into anyone else
I want it out,
Singed and simmering on someone else's skin,
This smoke so thick it could be solid to rest inside someone else's chest,
I  want to cry,
To feel numb
To let everything pour away, and never see it again,
Returning to withered ashes and bones yet again
126 · Nov 2020
Bleak
Slightly Lovely Nov 2020
My arms ache,
from trying to hold you
125 · May 2018
Somewhere
Slightly Lovely May 2018
Deep inside of me,
I am torn
A book without pages,
An empty spine
Somewhere,
I'll find you,
I can't save you,
But i'll stay,
Like i always have...
125 · Nov 2018
Three days
Slightly Lovely Nov 2018
You’re coming home,
Three days,
Three days and I’ll be pressed against your chest,
No more facetiming across the world,
No more calling at midnight while you pick up at 6am…
Instead of uneasy words,
When I cry you can hold me, you can twirl my hair and rub my back
Like you used to.
When I want to scream you can drive me out to the middle of nowhere and let me,
We can drive again, music blaring, voices singing,
hands out the window and smiles plastered to our faces.
Three days until I get my brother back...
124 · Sep 2019
Hi
Slightly Lovely Sep 2019
Hi
In a hazy faded blue,
I wish  for a dream,
one too big to see an end to.
One that could lift me on wings,
and take me to you.
124 · Feb 2019
I did
Slightly Lovely Feb 2019
Snow, drifting in and out of my mind.
Sun, shining through the cracks in my chest.
Rain, pouring out of my overflowed eyes.
Music soothing, writhing in my soul.
The world has shifted.
Ever so slightly.
Can you tell?
Have you noticed?
Well that's okay, cause I did.
124 · Jun 2019
L I S T E N T O M E
Slightly Lovely Jun 2019
You ask for my opinion,
but did you actually want it?
It seems like you just wanted confirmation.
You ask what I'm learning,
And then proceed to tell me why all of it is wrong.
You speak
                 and
                        you speak
                                         and
                                                y o u
                                                            s  p  e  a  k

you speak without research or regard,
without consideration for the other side.
So for once can you just listen?  Cause this needs to be heard.

You are N O T  justified in oblivion.
You are entitled to your informed opinion, N O T your ignorance.
I'm sick of you talking about things you don't understand,
And I'm tired of your refusal to listen to me.
122 · Mar 2020
im very small sometimes...
Slightly Lovely Mar 2020
like a little kid,
the sensations overwhelm me,
frustration and love and hurt and longing.
tears build up in the corners of my eyes,
as pleasure overwhelms me.
but you're not here
so i cry in my pain all night
122 · Jan 2019
Bias
Slightly Lovely Jan 2019
Your skin threw me off,
And for that,
I regret who I am...
But I will work towards destroying my walls,
I know my biases are there,
And I will try to be careful,
Cause, believe it or not, I know it’s not fair.
I understand the wrongness of my thoughts,
And I hope we can still be friends.
Cause you really care....
Slightly Lovely Oct 2021
I hate the way you cared for me.
I would have rather never been loved than to know what I do now
To know how it feels to be comforted,
To have your soft hands holding my face
To curl my body into yours,
To hide my face in the crook of your neck,
To be safe,
To be loved.
That is the cruelest thing you've ever done to me.
I miss you
121 · Nov 2021
I'm alone
Slightly Lovely Nov 2021
No one will hold me,
and I'm shaking and sobbing,
as I drive the whole way home,
on the wrong side of the road.
No one will love me the way that you did,
And in fact,
I don't know if I'll ever be so loved,
But you left me
To cry in the dark,
And I'm starting to think,
That maybe I deserved it.
121 · Oct 2018
Expectations
Slightly Lovely Oct 2018
A life of sun
A way of love,
I missed you all,
I don't know your expectations,
I don't know your love,
I can't think of why
you'd pick to be friends with me.
But If you want to,
I'd accept,
Because you've exeeded
All of mine.
120 · May 2018
Shadows
Slightly Lovely May 2018
Then i plunge down, under the gelid water
And the world around me softens
I open my eyes to a familiar glow
The muffled light and the deepened shadows
Remind me of a time when all we said was “hello”

When you leave, i’ll still seek her
But she never left that stupid coffin
So it seems we’ll never know
The world beyond the shadows
117 · Dec 2019
# 33 of my notes to you.
Slightly Lovely Dec 2019
I hope you never lose the fire you hold inside you.
It's one of your best qualities.
116 · Nov 2018
Self Observation
Slightly Lovely Nov 2018
I hate the stretch marks on my thighs,
I hate the way I smile
I hate my chubby tummy and the way my arms flap,
I detest my hands, my odd fingers.
I despise the fat under my chin, the bump on my nose,
And I dislike my broad shoulders

I love my muscle in my calves,
I love my blue eyes, my long eyelashes,
I love my lips,
I like my long caramel hair
I take pride in my curves and indented waist
And I adore my sense of fashion...
Trying hard to like myself more...
116 · Apr 2020
Reality crashes down
Slightly Lovely Apr 2020
Seized with a sudden desperation to hold this moment as close as I could,
to freeze it in time,
to protect it from the slow crawl of inevitability,
I closed my eyes.
      I barely allowed myself to breathe,
Scared to let the effervescent moment pop.
I wanted to cling to it, protect it, cherish it,
like a child cherishes a bubble,
for a moment so enraptured by its existence that they forget that it isn’t meant to last.
      But it’s over now,
and my eyes are open.
I’m still in love with you,
But do you even remember me?
116 · Apr 2020
I’m sad, and it’s 2 am
Slightly Lovely Apr 2020
The pain isn’t poetic,
Which is why,
All my poetry
Has turned into sad statements
Instead of swirling art
115 · Apr 2018
Separate Lovers
Slightly Lovely Apr 2018
I was a piece
In your puzzle
Taking and giving
A breath of imaginary love
In and out
Waves of our lives
And you drew out of my harbor

You were certain
So was i
But some things shouldn’t last
And you were meant for her...
But i’m still hurt

And oh
I loved you
A cry of life
In a world of lukewarm
Moving in the rhythm of our secrets
Rising and falling instantaneously
But I was misinformed

You and me
You and her
Vertically falling
Always seeing you
When i close my eyes
Behind my lids

And oh
I loved you
A statement of love
In a world of lukewarm
Moving in the rhythm of our secrets
Growing and sinking into our shadows
But I was misinformed

I don’t regret this
But i wish i could forget us
Because i deserve sleep
And you deserve to be happy
But i guess that's why you left

I breathe in
You breathe out
I go under
You go up
Separate lovers
With separate love
This is more like a song... It's actually for a friend of mine, who is not doing so well.
115 · May 2019
I've Learned
Slightly Lovely May 2019
I've learned that doubt is part of the journey,
as integral and important as faith.
I've learned  that it can be easier to leave people to their own conclusions,
rather than try to explain a convoluted truth.
I've learned that love is not to be protected, but risked,
and that loving someone is an inherently dangerous act.
You taught me the difference between losing something you knew you had, and losing something you didn't.
And how you can only feel something by its absence,
by the empty spaces left.
And I know that soon, I'll get that feeling.
The one after you finish a book or turn off a movie.
Where I feel thrown back into a reality I don't want, one I don't belong to.
And my chest will become cavernous.
I'm losing friends
113 · Oct 2021
hurt
Slightly Lovely Oct 2021
You said to me,
"Hurt me. Again and again, in the worst ways, and I'd still run back to you."
and I pressed my cheek into your soft hand and replied with;
"You could show me the worst version of you, the ugliest, cruelest, craziest, version of you, and I'd still think you were the prettiest thing I'd ever seen."
And we didn't kiss
but we wanted to.
oh, how we wanted to.
And we aren't together. We won't be together. And that ******* kills me
112 · Apr 2021
Dreaming of Death
Slightly Lovely Apr 2021
People say to live every day like it was your last,
but they call you impulsive when you do.
I used to wish id die of cancer,
so I could call you,
see you again,
Cause who would say no to a dying 17-year-old in love?
And I'd still rather have 2 weeks to live spent with you,
than a whole life without you.
112 · Sep 2019
Bye
Slightly Lovely Sep 2019
Bye
I miss you,
even when your face rests in front of mine.
I'm jealous,
Even though I was the one to tear us apart.
I should have kept trying to fall for what was already mine.
111 · Apr 2019
Hazy Nights
Slightly Lovely Apr 2019
If you were mine
I'd tell you how i feel
But we're separated by miles
miles of love
miles of brain blocks
This night i thought of you
As the warm sunlight drifted into a humid midnight
I remembered us
I layed on top of my poofy comforter,
all that covered me was the pleasant air
softer than its been all year...
The tiny fan I used to listen to, playing again
Covering me, back and forth with ripples of wind
I sat there and thought of white beaches and beds outside
The fan blowing over the two of us, snuggling closer this time
We were only five, but even then i knew
I wanted to make you mine.
110 · Sep 2020
Could you?
Slightly Lovely Sep 2020
Could your delicate hands,
hold me?
Could your soft lips,
press into my face?
Maybe.
109 · May 2019
Where are we
Slightly Lovely May 2019
I miss you.
Can we start over?
I know we both want what we had, but is that lost?
Can I come over?
Maybe explain and  introduce who I am now?
...
Do you still want me?
I cried myself to sleep,
Night after night.
Is this what it's like to be me?
I scream and kick and shout
Crying and tearing...
Should you know me?
Would you heal without me?
I don't know.
I love you.
Somehow, by becoming who I am, I lost who was most important to me....
109 · Dec 2018
Romeo and Juliet
Slightly Lovely Dec 2018
A hot and deep hatred
Burning fury and scorching wrath climb out my mouth,
Your family indignifies mine,
Your bloodline an atrocity,
I mope and weep and hope for death,
But I soon decide I’d rather yours.
Blood lust and icy glares,
Unforgiven crimes and unapologetic faces.
I send a knife through my kin,
I destroy my only future,
The heat suffocates our sweltering bodies,
And my blood becomes the sun.
I watch the bodies pile up, I swear aloud and fight the urge to growl
A simple hand gesture can start a brawl
And a single kiss can start the bloodshed.
Hatred courses through these roads,
Filling the cracks between our city,
I curse and swing my sword
Thrashing and fighting,
Dodge, step, attack,
All our futures bleed out,
Drying on the cobblestones.

A kiss
Warm shivers,
cold winds
Night walks,
broken promises,
Love and lust,
Soft touches of red and fire,
Cold dread, constant worry,
Joy overflows,
Love blinds
Hate kills,
Lust torments,
Pain and fear, suffering and mourning,
But still,
We love.
A feeling fleeing to the dark,
Something makes me want to follow,
Fluttery feelings,
Quick succession,
A garden full of life,
A kiss,
A beginning,
The means to an end,
Love
This was a school project....
107 · Sep 2019
Avery
Slightly Lovely Sep 2019
I love you so ******* much that it hurts.
107 · Aug 2020
Myself
Slightly Lovely Aug 2020
I took care of myself.
and sobbed through a therapy session,
I was the one to sign up for the next appointment.
I took care of myself
and worked through pages of homework, even when I could hear arguing from your room.
Even when tears fell on the pages and all I wanted was to run away.
I took care of myself,
When I remembered what happened,
hands under my nightgown,
My four year old brain not knowing what was happening.
I took care of myself,
When I bought a pride shirt,
And some middle aged women told me I was going to hell.
I took care of myself,
Even when you told me the God I know is with me,
Was against my very being.

I did it on my own.
So when you say you won’t walk me down the aisle,
Or pay for my wedding,
Or love me the way you said you always would...
I don’t need you. I learned.
At sixteen,
How to love myself,
And I did on my own.
**** my dad
107 · May 2018
Dreaming
Slightly Lovely May 2018
I am stuck, dreaming
I wonder what dream is awaiting me in this dark place
I hear my perfect dream calling
I see a floating, breathing thing
I want to leave, and then i don’t
I am stuck, dreaming

I pretend  i won’t wake
I feel as free as air
I touch my perfect ecstasy
I worry that my mind is a million miles away
I cry out, for i cannot wake
I am stuck, dreaming

I try to be heard
I understand what i must do
I say that  reality has a price
And i hope for freedom
I am stuck, dreaming
A school project, my teacher really liked it, so i thought i would post it
107 · Nov 2018
sorry
Slightly Lovely Nov 2018
Im sorry
I know i’m clingy,
I know you don’t understand the hugs I need when I’m sad,
The embraces I give when I’m happy,
I understand that you simply don’t get this side of me.
This part of me that physically latches onto anyone I cuddle with,
The constant touch and contact I give and take.
I’m sorry I’m desperate and I need you constantly,
I know that you don’t understand how I can be so vain, and yet so self conscious,
The soft parts of me are so molded to be who my friends need,
And yet I can feel so alone.
I’m sorry….
Slightly Lovely Mar 2020
It feels like parts of you are slipping through my grasp,
and all I can hold onto is a vague fog,
deepening around me.
I wake up, your touch on my skin, your name coming through my stuttered breaths.
And I don’t really know if it hurts less, or it just hurts differently.
So honey, can you please come back to me?
104 · Apr 2018
The words in red
Slightly Lovely Apr 2018
I CRIED
HE WHISPERED
I CALMED AND TRIED TO LISTEN
“YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE LOVED”
WHY DID EVERYONE TELL ME THIS
IT ISN’T TRUE.

“I KNOW YOUR HURTING, BUT THIS WORLD IS NOT YOUR HOME”
I KNOW SO WHY LIVE IN IT?
“BECAUSE, LOOK AT THE WORLD AROUND YOU”
I TURN, AND I SEE HORRORS
BUT BEHIND THAT THERE ARE MIRACLES
THERE IS BEAUTY
AND IT MIGHT TAKE A HUNDRED SLEEPLESS NIGHTS JUST TO HEAR HIS  VOICE,
OR A MILLION TEARS TO BREAK MY WALLS AND SEEK HIS  COMFORT,
BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT WE CAN SEE.
SO I WILL LIVE ON,
IN AWE AND WONDER
...
103 · Mar 2020
can you even see these?
Slightly Lovely Mar 2020
im so tired of not being okay
103 · Sep 2019
come back
Slightly Lovely Sep 2019
i can tell you exactly how my heart is being ripped apart,
And you're not here to tell me;
"shhhhh Sunshine. It's alright. I've got you."
Oh, how I miss your arms.
I want your hugs.
Not talking to you is so hard.
When the person I'd turn to for comfort,
Is you...
100 · Sep 2020
Can I touch you yet?
Slightly Lovely Sep 2020
She always smiles like she’s about to cry,
Looking at me,
As though she’s expecting a goodbye.
I’m not leaving,
But I can’t stay too close.
For I’m afraid to live,
But more afraid to die.
Slightly Lovely Jan 2020
I like the feeling of being held.
So if i become a hostage, i do not know if i would struggle.
99 · Sep 2020
To love you.
Slightly Lovely Sep 2020
Lay with me in the rain,
  Walk with me in the twilight,
  Hold me in the dark,
  Sing to me from beside the fire.
       You glow on the fading sunlight of an autumn day,
                                                                The leaves falling,
                                       And so are you,
Dying
i love you still
Slightly Lovely Nov 2018
I wish you could live inside my heart, see deep into my soul.
I wish you could rest in our love, be calmed by our mutual “more than friends”
I hope you would see me, feel me and tell me I’m better than I think of myself.
I hope you know how much I love you, adore your smile and how much I wish I could be loved.
I want you to comfort me, to get closer, to stay when I say go.
I want you to understand i’m pushing you away because I care too much, and it’ll only hurt when you eventually leave...
I know you’ll never feel the same, you could never love me, but I want you to understand how loved you are, because if the situations were reversed, I’d want the same.
I know this is cliche, but sometimes these words must still come out...
99 · Jun 2019
I. am. valid.
Slightly Lovely Jun 2019
Today I told my story.
Every single little thing.
My old therapist told me I should, so I did.
One friend told me I was faking it,
because I'm too happy,
Another told me that I was just being dramatic,
cause I smile too much.
But the most charming smiles,
hold the weirdest pasts.
My bright blue eyes have cried so many tears that they have changed colors
And I know my heart is kind,
But the softest souls, have held the most pain.
I am who I am, because of who I was.
And that is valid.
I have become like the waters I jumped into,
turbulent once, but now,
Simply soft and caressing.
98 · Jan 2020
get out of my head mf
Slightly Lovely Jan 2020
a scream down an empty hallway.
that's what it feels to think about it.
as broken air conditioner hums along,
the darkness shrouding the actions of a man I did not know,
who's hands were in places they didn't belong,
and I wonder if that night from my childhood,
will ever really be gone.
I couldn't say no,
If I didn't know what was going on.
repressssseeeeeedddddd traummmmmaaaaaaa
96 · Oct 2020
What is it about Autumn,
Slightly Lovely Oct 2020
that tastes of heartache?
That feels like longing?
Is it you?
Or is it the ghost I never quite stopped loving?
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