I took care of myself.
and sobbed through a therapy session,
I was the one to sign up for the next appointment.
I took care of myself
and worked through pages of homework, even when I could hear arguing from your room.
Even when tears fell on the pages and all I wanted was to run away.
I took care of myself,
When I remembered what happened,
hands under my nightgown,
My four year old brain not knowing what was happening.
I took care of myself,
When I bought a pride shirt,
And some middle aged women told me I was going to hell.
I took care of myself,
Even when you told me the God I know is with me,
Was against my very being.

I did it on my own.
So when you say you won’t walk me down the aisle,
Or pay for my wedding,
Or love me the way you said you always would...
I don’t need you. I learned.
At sixteen,
How to love myself,
And I did on my own.

I miss you.
Can we start over?
I know we both want what we had, but is that lost?
Can I come over?
Maybe explain and  introduce who I am now?
...
Do you still want me?
I cried myself to sleep,
Night after night.
Is this what it's like to be me?
I scream and kick and shout
Crying and tearing...
Should you know me?
Would you heal without me?
I don't know.
I love you.

Im sorry
I know i’m clingy,
I know you don’t understand the hugs I need when I’m sad,
The embraces I give when I’m happy,
I understand that you simply don’t get this side of me.
This part of me that physically latches onto anyone I cuddle with,
The constant touch and contact I give and take.
I’m sorry I’m desperate and I need you constantly,
I know that you don’t understand how I can be so vain, and yet so self conscious,
The soft parts of me are so molded to be who my friends need,
And yet I can feel so alone.
I’m sorry….

To the girl with long brown hair,
Your eyes are intoxicatingly intricate,
And I didn’t notice until
They wouldn’t leave my head.
Until they were all I could see...
Until they had left a haunting on my heart.
•••
To the girl with glasses,
I didn’t realize what was missing.
I didn’t know how I needed you...
And suddenly you were there...
And I felt whole.
•••
To the girl who smells of soap
and ocean waves,
I didn’t- couldn’t- express my feelings.
That day that you expressed yours.
Inside my heart, an unpredictable sea.
But the storm has passed,
and I know now.....
But it’s too late,
Opportunity missed,
like a leaf in the wind.
•••
To the girl who sings,
You feel of late night vibes,
A constant reminder of delirious laughter
And whispered secrets.
...
I know you have to go,
I even understand that you’ll be back...
I know it shouldn’t make a difference,
But it does
And I’m still hurting.

•••
To the girl of roleplays,
I know it’s lame to say this,
But when our characters,
Touch and love and kiss...
My stomach gets a million butterflies
And my heart does backflips.
•••
To the girl named Avery,
If I could express my feelings,
I would.
But you feel for another,
And my parents restrict on who I can love,
So I will sit here,
In my veil of       S   I   L   E   N  C   E
•••
To you, my sweetheart...
You make every day worth living,
And I know we hugged goodbye,
But I still cried myself to sleep last night.
•••
To the girl I love,
You are the most;
Smart, kind, ethereal, funny and cunning
person that I know.
•••
I can imagine us in our twenties.
In only our T-shirt’s and underwear,
We cook and dance.
It’s early, but you sing anyway,
as I only grumble at the time...
———————————————————
You hug me from behind,
And I kiss your cheek.
You’ll say “Morning Sunshine”
And I’ll sleepily reply,
“Morning Sweetheart”.

I imagine evenings where you are ranting,
Pacing our living space.
I’ll sit and listen, a cup of wine in my hand.
In the end, I’ll offer comfort and love,
Laying your head down on my lap,
I’ll hum,
I’ll play with your hair,
I’ll give you my thoughts,
And if you fall asleep,
I’ll lay there all night,
so as not to wake you.

I imagine you getting overwhelmed,
By all my emotions and irrationality,
But somehow still finding it endearing.
I imagine bumps and cracks,
But in the end, it’ll all be worth it....

I imagine us.
And I’m too afraid to say it.
I.    L O V E.    Y O U.

should i keep it?
or should i cut it?

I wish you could live inside my heart, see deep into my soul.
I wish you could rest in our love, be calmed by our mutual “more than friends”
I hope you would see me, feel me and tell me I’m better than I think of myself.
I hope you know how much I love you, adore your smile and how much I wish I could be loved.
I want you to comfort me, to get closer, to stay when I say go.
I want you to understand i’m pushing you away because I care too much, and it’ll only hurt when you eventually leave...
I know you’ll never feel the same, you could never love me, but I want you to understand how loved you are, because if the situations were reversed, I’d want the same.
I know this is cliche, but sometimes these words must still come out...

Loving, is easy.
It’s the aching.
The waiting.
The breaking.
That’s what tears you apart and tells you,
Love is hard.

a lovely angel girl,
who fell in love with a beautiful human.
The girl eventually broke and fell and searched,
but she could not find her human, no matter how she tried.
so she wandered.
they say she got lost,
walking farther,
                            and  f a r t h e r,
                                                        and   f  a  r  t  h  e  r.

Deep orbs of water, like the depths of the sea
Soft and dappled in the morning light, I stare into your eyes,
Slowly forest specks are visible, deep and dark around the pupils.
I watch you dilate and reflect, struggling to understand my gaze,
I give a small smile, tired from talking all night.
My head falls to your shoulder, and you wrap the blanket closer around us.
Nights like this are the best, nights where I watch the laughter and mirth bubble through,
Causing the deepness of your eyes to twinkle, nights where we sit and cry, talking of all the hurt.
Up on our small roof I watch your eyes fill with tears, causing the soft specks to be prominent until I’m stumbling in woods of fir trees and emeralds. But I know how to bring the ocean back, how to make the waters as bright as the sky.

You, my father,
The one who says
“Meet me in the middle.”
So I take a step forward,
While you take two back.

Today I told my story.
Every single little thing.
My old therapist told me I should, so I did.
One friend told me I was faking it,
because I'm too happy,
Another told me that I was just being dramatic,
cause I smile too much.
But the most charming smiles,
hold the weirdest pasts.
My bright blue eyes have cried so many tears that they have changed colors
And I know my heart is kind,
But the softest souls, have held the most pain.
I am who I am, because of who I was.
And that is valid.
I have become like the waters I jumped into,
turbulent once, but now,
Simply soft and caressing.

You remind me of the blue irises I used to walk past.
Disappearing when the world becomes frigid and dark,
And raising your striped arms, as soon as the sun appears.
You know how to sway your body,
Matching the movements of this world.
You appear cold and uncaring, but at your center is a heart of yellow,
Pure and warm and safe.
Yes, you are an Iris.
A beautiful flower, too far for me to see.

I miss you.
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way you smell, of ocean waves and soap.
I miss the sound of my name on your lips,
Spoken like honey.
Sweetheart, why did you leave?

Can I take you back?
Give in, lift you up in surrender?
Let you breathe me in and drink my love?
I miss your arms, and your simple touches.
*******, I know I was the one to help you leave,
But I wish I had been selfish. I wish I'd told you stay.

Ironically, the only friend who'd understand I've drifted from.
I used to not miss her, but now all I want is to explain my situation to her.
I used to scoff when she said the word Love,
It was like a mantra, appearing at every friend she made.
But I think I understand.
Can I break the distance? Can we talk?
...
I don't know who I am.
Can you tell me?
You used to...
I never thought I would like girls.
Is this a phase?
Can you answer me? Do you understand?
I pray to god you read this poem.
I really just want my best friend....

I’m  getting really, really tired of having to think about my feelings.

For the second night in a row, I lay awake, their face flashing through my mind again and again and again. Guilt, fury, and shame all curled together in my gut, heavy as lead, weighing me down into the bed but keeping sleep at bay.

The guilt threatened to eat me alive. But the fury curled around it, hot and unrelenting, and justified every action past justification until I’m not sure what was right and what was wrong. Were their parents even wrong? Or mine? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I went about it the wrong way.

Then came the shame. It was like fog, seeping into my chest, dousing the flames and filling my lungs. Making me choke on its lingering bitterness. If I had just kept my **** mouth shut, it would’ve been fine. Or maybe if I’d been bolder, I could’ve made a stand.

And once again, guilt spread through my gut, long fingers of ice scratching down my spine. I winced, dragging my pillow down over my face. All this thought about rights and wrongs...

It exhausts me in every sense of the word. My chest ached, their face appearing in my mind yet again. Were they just as torn, just as unsure as I was right now?

Guilt, fury, shame. The cycle continued. With a long, heavy sigh, I sit up; I guess I’m  not going to get much sleep tonight.

But what else is new.

I watch the words swim,
and swallow razor blades.
I wish I could say I'm okay,
but unfortunately, I can't speak a word.
I skip lunch, my stomach too turbulent to trust.
I do my math test, correct some science papers
I don't want to go home, would honestly rather be at school
I don't know why I can't take a break, but I'll just keep coughing,
Sitting in my sick...

roses are red,
violets are blue,
these monsters,
are just memories of me and you.

i'll see you again,
when the god above,
decides it's time
for our paths
to cross
again.

im so so sorry

If I could create a swirling haze,
I think I’d keep you right here.
In a hidden dream, (will it ever really be clear?)
….
……
And yet,
I still go looking for you in the space between,
Watching sunlight pour through leaves.

Can we ever go back,
to when you sang me to sleep?
Can I reach through,
to a time of hidden memories?

If you’d stay here, I’d put your head on my lap,
And stay with you through it all.
I’d give you the breath in my lungs,
And watch you shatter my heart,
If only to see you again.

You affected me,
Like sunlight affects the dust,
You took a grey, dull thing,
And made it magical.

Trying to be perfect,
is killing me,
sending acid in my veins
Fire in my lungs.
Maybe I'll just wilt away
And show you what you've created.

Your face brings joy to the forefront of my mind
I look at you and know that no matter what,
I’ll be alright. I can be okay.
But along with that, there are times I think of you and my eyes *****
They burn with unshed tears, And for the life of me, I can’t understand why.
Maybe looking at such a great being, at such a wonderful friend, simply is too great for comprehension.
Maybe this feeling brings the same sadness as watching the night sky, and listening to the thunder,
Maybe when I look at you I see sunflowers and daisies, I see the forest in all its majesty.
But whatever the reason, you make me want to live everyday like its my last,
Your friendship brings out that part of me that wants to dance without a care,
That wishful part of me that believes I could sing without anxiety.
You make me want to feel soft kisses, and sometimes when I think of you…
It makes me wish for small tears that never come...

Lately all I do
Is relearn how much I can miss you.
Every enjoyment orbited by bittersweet memories,
Every memory evoking a night of sobbing so hard I can't breathe,
Till I can't think.
I miss you so much.
I don't know if it'll ever stop,
because every pain just becomes replaced with a different one.
What we had was so beautiful.

You were such a Lion Hearted Girl.
How do I stop feeling this way.
stop the guilt and the longing.
You never apologized for how you felt,
Life was tough, but so were you.
You were so harsh and sharp,
yet when you spoke to me you became malleable and soft.
God I miss you, but i didn't when you were mine.
Which is a sign as clear as any other...

I am Christian.
and I am loving.
Love who you love,
Cause God loves you.
He made you perfect how you are.
I believe if you have the opportunity to help,
you should.
That person's prayers could be answered through you.
And no, God doesn't hate gay people,
He doesn't hate anyone. That is his truth.
The journey might be hard, but it is always worth it.
I believe that everyone is better than their darkest moment.
And I never would have believed these,
If I hadn't been through hell and back.
I promise you, no matter what you believe or who you are,
It will be okay.
You will make it, even if you don't think so.

i left it in the band hallway,
so it was stolen,
by someone i pass everyday,
they used my card,
but i do not know if they took everything.
I hope they left behind the rest.

What *******.
Life will slam a million doors in your face.
I'm not gonna wait around for the "right door" to open,
If I know the path God has made for me,
is through the door Satan just closed,
You better **** well believe,
I'll open it again.