I make a mistake and it can cost someone's life. I have to live with the feeling  that something worse could have happened. How it could have been a lost life.  I have to live with the feeling that someone has lost their job due to one mistake.

I get told Oh, but you should be great ful because you still have your job.  The boss didn't blame you. I have to live with people not trusting me as much.
I have to live knowing I traumatized everyone at my job and everyone involved. I have to live with this fact!

They only have to live with the fact that they work with the village idiot and  the fact that they left this idiot in charge of something so important. Only this idiot wants to die!
So please take this life. I wish I was smart enough to end this life.

I live with this feeling possibilities that something worse could have happened to this precious little human that I care about. I literally.,...  If something would have happened I would have ended my life .

It's a lesson well learned everyone says but it's not. It haunts my soul, my body and my mind.  There are some out there that say I should have lost her job and I don't blame them.

In reality I should have and I wouldn't had cared because the only thing that mattered to me was that the precious human is okay and nothing happened. I'm devastated because they matter to me.

I loved you and you loved me. We loved the idea of us. We walked together, talked deep talks together, we did things together that we both seemed to enjoy, but we were made to be friends and some how our imaginations got the best of us. Our imaginations and fantasies of having a family and building together got ahead of us.  The fantasy of having someone always there even when you're feeling lonely. We entwined our dreams, our feeling to this. An as friends in ways we used each other because we thought what's more and we weren't thankful enough for what we had. We expected things that weren't there and some how we lost the friendship. I wanted you to be there in my life always as my someone to build with, travel with and you wanted use me for  your someone to be there when you're sad and lonely. I wanted to be chosen by you. The thing is we both wanted to be each others first choice and we weren't. An the trust was lost during our mind games, the little things we did to each other. Now we are both at peace away from each other and hope you're getting healing in the right way just as I am. We may never see each other again and that's okay. Love is letting go and letting that person live free as they want to be. An the chapter of us has closed with love, respect, and no more toxicity. 
The End

When she became free
and respected herself.
When she finally let go of what was hurting her and didn't look back.
She flew and it was beautiful.
For the first time she wasn't consistently calling texting.
She just remained beautiful and left it at that.

It's okay to be best friends
To be best friends and the opposite ***.
To be best friends and not romantically involved.
To just let it be as.
We're great as best friends
It's okay that we don't want it any other way.
That we're better as best friends.
That we care about each other deeply.
To just be friends and know that we care and respect each other.

Life pushes you to together, life pushes you away.
Life pushes, but you don't have to let life push you like a victim.
Life can seem like a bad dream, or a really good dream almost like there's no way out.
It's like sometimes you keep on living the same dream over and over. It can seem almost mentally unbearable, exhausting!
You begin to give everyone the cold shoulder and you begin to not even feel lonely. Emotionless.    
You barely look at yourself in the same way.
Until one day you begin to say ***** it you're done with bull crap and the excuses you give yourself not to change or socially engage.
All the stuff you suppressed has to come out some way.
You finally wake up and start realizing that life doesn't stop and neither should I.

I have to say the silence is deafening yet the silence has a different sound to it.  

Silence keeps me from running my mouth where I shouldn't. Silence keeps me at peace.  

When you pull silence closer to you. The silence is no longer an enemy but the silence is a friend.

Silence can be more a friend than the people who say they're your friend. The silence helps calms me down as a baby who is calm being rocked and soothed to sleep.

The silence helps me heal into the person I'm supposed to be like how nature functions so naturally.

The silence breaks down walls that I never knew could be broken down.

The silence builds and keeps on building.

Silence can really be a person's best friend.

I'm starting not to believe.
I know you like mind games and you play them well.

You say she does all this stuff to you but yet you let her treat everyone around you like they're her game. An you treat everyone around you like they're your game.

You make love look like a joke and not a good joke. You have insulted love with the way you treat your friends and family. You take them for granted like they're nothing even though they do so much for you when they can.

You feel insulted by your family all.the time but you insult your family consistently.  

When did your heart become so hard and cold like a coldest of continents? When did your mind get more messed up than mine?

We all need help, and have issues.

some people are willing to receive help and work through the issues that life has thrown their way in this world that is so small in many ways yet so big in other ways.