I make a mistake and it can cost someone's life. I have to live with the feeling  that something worse could have happened. How it could have been a lost life.  I have to live with the feeling that someone has lost their job due to one mistake.

I get told Oh, but you should be great ful because you still have your job.  The boss didn't blame you. I have to live with people not trusting me as much.
I have to live knowing I traumatized everyone at my job and everyone involved. I have to live with this fact!

They only have to live with the fact that they work with the village idiot and  the fact that they left this idiot in charge of something so important. Only this idiot wants to die!
So please take this life. I wish I was smart enough to end this life.

I live with this feeling possibilities that something worse could have happened to this precious little human that I care about. I literally.,...  If something would have happened I would have ended my life .

It's a lesson well learned everyone says but it's not. It haunts my soul, my body and my mind.  There are some out there that say I should have lost her job and I don't blame them.

In reality I should have and I wouldn't had cared because the only thing that mattered to me was that the precious human is okay and nothing happened. I'm devastated because they matter to me.

I loved you and you loved me. We loved the idea of us. We walked together, talked deep talks together, we did things together that we both seemed to enjoy, but we were made to be friends and some how our imaginations got the best of us. Our imaginations and fantasies of having a family and building together got ahead of us.  The fantasy of having someone always there even when you're feeling lonely. We entwined our dreams, our feeling to this. An as friends in ways we used each other because we thought what's more and we weren't thankful enough for what we had. We expected things that weren't there and some how we lost the friendship. I wanted you to be there in my life always as my someone to build with, travel with and you wanted use me for  your someone to be there when you're sad and lonely. I wanted to be chosen by you. The thing is we both wanted to be each others first choice and we weren't. An the trust was lost during our mind games, the little things we did to each other. Now we are both at peace away from each other and hope you're getting healing in the right way just as I am. We may never see each other again and that's okay. Love is letting go and letting that person live free as they want to be. An the chapter of us has closed with love, respect, and no more toxicity. 
The End

When she became free
and respected herself.
When she finally let go of what was hurting her and didn't look back.
She flew and it was beautiful.
For the first time she wasn't consistently calling texting.
She just remained beautiful and left it at that.

It's okay to be best friends
To be best friends and the opposite ***.
To be best friends and not romantically involved.
To just let it be as.
We're great as best friends
It's okay that we don't want it any other way.
That we're better as best friends.
That we care about each other deeply.
To just be friends and know that we care and respect each other.

Life pushes you to together, life pushes you away.
Life pushes, but you don't have to let life push you like a victim.
Life can seem like a bad dream, or a really good dream almost like there's no way out.
It's like sometimes you keep on living the same dream over and over. It can seem almost mentally unbearable, exhausting!
You begin to give everyone the cold shoulder and you begin to not even feel lonely. Emotionless.    
You barely look at yourself in the same way.
Until one day you begin to say ***** it you're done with bull crap and the excuses you give yourself not to change or socially engage.
All the stuff you suppressed has to come out some way.
You finally wake up and start realizing that life doesn't stop and neither should I.

I have to say the silence is deafening yet the silence has a different sound to it.  

Silence keeps me from running my mouth where I shouldn't. Silence keeps me at peace.  

When you pull silence closer to you. The silence is no longer an enemy but the silence is a friend.

Silence can be more a friend than the people who say they're your friend. The silence helps calms me down as a baby who is calm being rocked and soothed to sleep.

The silence helps me heal into the person I'm supposed to be like how nature functions so naturally.

The silence breaks down walls that I never knew could be broken down.

The silence builds and keeps on building.

Silence can really be a person's best friend.

I'm starting not to believe.
I know you like mind games and you play them well.

You say she does all this stuff to you but yet you let her treat everyone around you like they're her game. An you treat everyone around you like they're your game.

You make love look like a joke and not a good joke. You have insulted love with the way you treat your friends and family. You take them for granted like they're nothing even though they do so much for you when they can.

You feel insulted by your family all.the time but you insult your family consistently.  

When did your heart become so hard and cold like a coldest of continents? When did your mind get more messed up than mine?

We all need help, and have issues.

some people are willing to receive help and work through the issues that life has thrown their way in this world that is so small in many ways yet so big in other ways.

My intentions weren't to hurt you. I wasn't as good as a friend as I wanted to be. I do care about you because I want you to get help. I still want you to get the help you need, but I know I  can't help you the way you need. It would be selfish for me even to pretend I could. I hurt you and you hurt me.   I wish you could see how much I honestly care about you. I hope one day you will.

All I want is for you to be free, healthy and whole.

Some people use you, and abuse you. They say they have your back when you need something, but they ditch you at the very moment for someone else.
They lie to you, and they're bad for you but in the end karma catches up to all even me. Although I hope the best for them it still hurts deep.
There's no happy ending if you don't forgive. I forgive them as much as it hurts.
I'm letting go of the pain, and all the lies, and poison inside.

I want to go for a long drive
and never come back......

Love is a paradox,
it has essence,
character,
and a voice.

The gardens have bloomed. My thoughts are clear. My mind is clean, and my heart has heard the sounds of joy.

It has felt the warmth of joy. The joy that breezes across a person who has been loved so sweetly that I can see it in their eyes. 

I can feel it as I look at them, and I'm thankful for that.

The joy I feel, I hope you have envisioned your own joy in a universe that can be so lost and contradictory.

I have found the joy that makes mu soul glow bright. It has enlightened my eyes so clear.

My mind has opened to possibilities. I don't just see the possibilities but I have traced my finger across the joy of them.

That's a joy that stays inside. The kind of joy that doesn't fade, it's always there.

What is your joy? Have you found it or is just there? Maybe you have been looking in the wrong places and it's right there.

Waiting for the right time or place to have it.

The best thing about joy is that you are allowed to have it even when you're in pain.

I guess in this world
I never knew what my triggers
were. I have two main triggers and that's you and my mom.

I guess you're a trigger to me because you remind me of my mom. But you're a guy an you remind me of my mom. I'm a girl and you're a guy.

I know you never liked me that way and you won't and that's okay. I came to terms about that long ago.

It's just that every time I go to date or think about someone else. I feel like I'm cheating on you and it's nonsensical of my mind.

You're in my daily life but you're gone. An I'm not in your daily life an I'm far from your conscious and subconscious.

There's people that want me and love me. An I want the one person who doesn't even remember me in any form.

We were nothing, I'm nothing to you. An yet here you are haunting my very own thoughts.

You can no longer be in my very own thoughts. You don't belong here stuck in my mind or anything.

I am emotionally disconnected from you. Our souls have returned to our own bodies. We are done and I am a nun.

When I reach for you the very essence of your soul touches my soul.

There is a peace and energy that I can't describe. Deeper I go into your soul, and it's like a journey.

A journey that takes you into walls of lights, the journey I never want to end. Your soul is without darkness that brings warmth to other souls.

It shines the very breath of life. Breathing in, breathing out.

The soul I want to hold forevermore, but I cannot. For it is a traveling soul to enjoy when it is there.

Not to hold on to, but to be free where no one else has seen the joy your soul contains.

So be free traveling soul!!!!

I was so angry.
My anger an rage could fill the whole universe. What was I so angry about? I can't change the past, but I can change from reacting to responding.

My anger could peel oil paint off the walls. My anger could make the whole room silent. My anger made people disappear from my life.

Some how I need to let go so I can succeed mentally.
I can change myself, from the inward to out ward. I was always trying to control the outcome of how people viewed me or how they didn't do something.

I have no control over all that an yet when it didn't happen that way or it didn't go at all I was disappointed an that turned into anger.

sadly I had no recollection of how this would affect my relationships, my soul, my career, the way I viewed things, the way I viewed people including myself, an life in general.

Anger was my way of defending in a world who seemed not to care, who could not defend me.

Anger was a tool for me to avoid pain, hurt, an sometimes the anger turned to numbness an I couldn't feel anything.

It's time to let go of the pain of the past an sometimes you don't know where to begin

I breath in and I breath out all the poison you put in me. You stabbed me in the leg but you were on some meds, You said we were playing and now life is just a game that I don't want to play. 

The meds they get you and I guess I don't. The meds went first and I didn't even think to ask twice.

Sometimes you get a little funny on them like say Buenas nachos instead of saying buenas nochez.

Then other times it would sadden me to see you on these meds because the meds took your soul, an the worse night came.

One night I had to watch you but I had to shut my door as you laid up in the other room screaming I want to **** myself. I couldn't reason with you so I had to leave you in your own demise. 

My heart was saddened but I don't think anyone in that house had a will to live but more so a will to leave.

An you were stranded in your own mind and desert of a heart to the point where you were stuck without water and in now where's land.

When I think of my old behavior I cringe. When I think of what I did to you I cringe. My thoughts cringe over and over.
My heart cringes at the thought that I ever did that to you.
What I have done to you, I have done to many others without even realizing it.

So thank you and I let you go.

When I look at your soul I see beauty, an it makes me want to get lost in your soul. Your Soul has light, some darkness but the light of your soul overcomes that.
I love your soul because it's beautiful, filled with love, and kindness. Yet so many other aspects one can hope for. It has a hope deep down, that nothing can destroy it.

Yet there is some pain.I look into your soul can grab the pain and you're free. Your Soul is free to be the real you. The beautiful, messy, loving, kind, beautiful imperfections, and not shaken by anything or anyone no more.
Your Soul is free to roam this earth, the Heavens, the universe itself. Your Soul is free!!!

Your Soul learns to let go, to love unconditionally, to be who you were meant to be an no longer bound by others, your negative actions or negative thoughts that deprive you deep within.
Your soul free!!!

I take a stroll and there she is fading in and out.
Oh where is she, where she'd go?
Where did the days go?

The days were there as it seemed. She wonders where will life take her or will she take life. Oh where has life gone. Oh where have the days gone.

They fade and turn to night and night fades to day. There's no in between now a days. It's all black and white and sometimes there's a pop of color. It seems as though the mundane of life has caught up with her.

Oh where have all her friends gone and she doesn't have to live in the oh where state but it's in her. Her heart is more tender and caring than most would know.

She says and thinks oh where, but she can choose happiness, and joy at any time. She's just lost in Oh where land at this time.

So leave a message after the beep, or just write a letter.

I feel this tightness in my chest almost everyday, and it aches to no end.

I wasn't sure what it was at first
Sitting here wondering what's this tight pain in my chest? Going over and over.

Making a list of all these things angina, anxiety, stress, cardiomyopathy, or maybe it was from something I ate. Thinking oh what could it be?

Layer upon layer I had to take my heart apart only to find the answer was heart break.

It hurts being here because almost every where I go there's memories of what we have done, what I wanted to do, and what could have been but that's life. 
There's memories of you in my clothing. Memories in my music and every time I do anything.
I know in time this will fade but right now my soul and heart are in pain. An I am letting go of you in every way because you have let go of me and that's okay.
Thank you for being my friend and every day I apologize for doing what I did. I forgive myself though but I realized it's what had to happen, even though in my heart it hurts. That pain shall fade too.

When you're the only one willing to go out of your way for them.

Do you have trapped experiences locked deep down in your subconscious, your very soul, heart, and body?

Do you keep on replaying those very moments in your actions, in your head that the pain, excitement, happiness, all the very emtions you were feeling start to come out because you never fully processed that moment in your life time.
So it feels as real when it happens and it just keeps on happening until you let the essence of it go and learn to process it the right way.

For if we don't those processe these trapped moments, these emotions, especially if negative we begin to  naturally respond that way to certain things in our life. Or we begin to project those bad things on other people.


Do you ever just want to go for a long drive? To a different place where no one knows you or knows what you've done.
First to face reality and the toxicity of everything that I let control my mind, behavior and life. To become new.

Love can be such a non word sometimes.
It loses it's meaning, it's potency, you know like I really love a cheeseburger, and I really love a sunny day, and then I really love my family.
None of those are remotely the same.
They're totally different things you know.
It's really difficult to write about love,  or even use the word love in writing
Because what does it mean? what does it really mean?  
-John M.

You never know how beautiful someone is until you actually look at the truth of their heart. Pull the beauty out of people. Pulling the beauty out of people is worth every imagery.

Letting go of junk
Letting go of toxic behaviours
Letting go of what you've done from the past.
Letting go of people who are no longer alive

Learn that junk is not alright in your mind, body, soul. It is toxic to the whole system.
Learn that toxic behaviors are not okay and how to be the best you.
Learn from your mistakes
Learn from those people that are gone.
#learn #learntolearn #bethebestyou
#you'reworthit