It is not who you are,
but rather what you represent, to me,
which defines you.
You encapsulate a love for me,
which I will never know again,
all-defining, pain and fear filled love-
the one he took away.
In a manner, when I look upon you
I look upon him too.
The face of one who
tore my heart and threw it back
cemented in me all that I did lack
which he would then attack.
In a one sided battle,
the blows raining on me like tears,
adding years to my tender age.
You see he had tore the page of childhood,
leaving this book beyond recognition.
Looking back, perhaps I should have had a premonition,
Phil,
of what you were going to be to me.
But I did not want to see
that which would break
the tinted image which I owned of you
which I knew would remain
true
only to a point,
from which it would then be tarnished forever.
I so wanted you to love me back
and so agreed that I lacked
in all that you'd say,
come what may, I know that
I allowed you to control me.
It was not always so one sided.
You bided your time well, you know,
you timed it 'just so', so you
could be sure this final blow would hit.
A finishing spit in the exposed page of my future,
You turned,
you changed,
and the burning pain I felt within,
is possibly your only sin in
this endeavour.
As whatever you are I cannot
blame you for that
which is past.
No matter how long this pain will last-
possibly forever.
And I will prove myself again.
I will prove that I can still love and
be loved in return.
No matter how my heart may yearn,
I have no choice but to spurn those
who are like you.
A half life it may be,
but half full to me.
What you once seemed,
that which I never dreamed you would turn from.
That which, though I may long to,
I shall never see again
when I attempt to see anew.
Not even blindness could hide
all that is true.
Now all I can do is to
bow to the memory
in defeat.
I will never greet who you were again.
You will never eat your words,
you meant them then.
You still do.
The final blow is that;
I will never live up
to the girl you thought
you thought that you once knew.
You reap only the fake crops which
I attempted to sow
in desperation to be,
all that you thought once thought of me.
That girl is dead.
She lives only in my mind
and your heart.
Our paths were meant to be apart.