I'm good at recycling
texts and touches and words
I didn't realize they were non renewable resources
but I'm smart, I saved them
and I've found I can live on very little
I'm an eco lover

He likes to do things that scare him.

Like me for instance.

I want to love you
and be yours and know what that feels like
today I got lost in the thought of kissing you
and that hasn't happened in so long...

but then the panic attacks
start in the shower
and I'm scared
and you might go away
you might

I have to trust that maybe
you won't
but it has to be okay
that you might

validation in a right swipe
finding maybes
finger on glass, left left left
I can't find what I'm looking for
because I know right where it is

I never know how to take you
So I just take you anyhow

There are days
it feels like
my life
is just a string of apologies

Speak your truth, like it's easy, like it wants to crawl up your throat and jump from your mouth, to splatter and splash everyone and everything
Speak your truth, like you do, like you will, let it soak through your skin like so much sweat
It's not easy to open, to pull back the sheet metal, your hands will blister and bleed, but pull through the fear, because you're there underneath, dressed only in your truth

We're just lonely vessels
floating around each other like planets and moons and
we don't ever get to know each other
we send out explorers and land on the surface for a while
take first steps and last steps and leave footprints in the dirt or sand or snow or whatever our planets are made of
but the heaving cacophony of sound and color and blinding light that resides inside
all of that remains hidden
because if an explorer got close enough, if they dived deep enough into our oceans
if they rappelled down our steep canyons
it would destroy them, they would destroy us

You know how
a shattered windshield
will keep it's shape
even when it's in a million pieces?
Are we all kind of like that?

synchronized drowning it looks like swimming
it looks like I'm treading, it looks like I'm living
I seem light but I'm heavy
an anchor in hiding
and the only thing you'll get
by swimming in my vicinity
is pulled under with me

That's my job, it's what I do
assign a number to your pain
to get a bill paid
like that's all it is, a number

But I'm happy to use that code
instead of another
that you made it somehow
to tell the doctors
you regretted it the moment you did it
and they all say that

this isn't the right job for me, I take a bit too long
because when I read things like your story
I have to stop, take a sip of my coffee
close my eyes
and think of where you are, which room, which bed
and send you thoughts and energy and anything I can muster
I don't believe in things like that
generally
but it's the only thing I can do

I'll always remember the sister
asking if he'll play guitar again
not understanding what brain dead is

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
in my head before I can collect my thoughts
a timer, tick tock, tick tock
my life the hands on a clock
moving faster now

why do I care
I'm getting what I came for
I don't get to decide when, I never did

I don't want the D
but I need the D
I think
it's big and scary and hard
It's just there, my fingers brushing over it
I can't seem to make myself..
it's just the D
but it makes love turn into loveD
I'm afraid it's past tense now

do you see that?
over there reflected in the window
what is that?
Behind me in the mirror
I feel hot breath on my neck
but something tells me not to turn around
it's just the warm breeze
keep going forward and don't turn around

sometimes I think I can hear it
making odd sounds that
seem hissed through a smiling mouth
if there is a mouth
I wouldn't know because
I never turn around, look under the bed
but it's in the corner of my eye
then it's gone
It hides in the horizon of my memories
in the shadows then it disappears in the light
or only hides better
but I know it's there
behind us all, waiting to lap us up
while we go about our meaningless business

the ones who do turn around, who look behind the door
we know them when we see them
but we pretend there's something wrong
something broken about them
because admitting they're right
means we have to turn around, face the thing

that's really only time itself
watching us waste it, waiting to lap us up

up there in the dark
every movement is honest
my heart's wide open

are you changeable, oscillating
do you have moments of bliss
others of dark insecurity
interspersed with stretches of blank indifference?
Or is that just me?

We are in uncharted territory
and my cartography skills are lacking
do we blindly forge ahead or go back
do I trust the bliss or the indifference
I feel the deep sea pressure of time
why do we think we can afford to wait?

Swinging on the trapeze
the crowd below calling out
telling me not to grab his hands so quickly
learn to fly on my own
but I need hands to hold onto
even if they are new
and I don't recognize the feel of them

My head on your shoulder
my line of vision your lips
everything inside becomes mercury and flows
warm and thick and heavy

My wine marinated tongue can’t seem to form
the words, they keep swirling around the ooze
viscous and sweet
in a language I can’t speak

I'm not sure which is true
Those days I don't care or
These days that I do

Are all those kisses
Trying to convince me
Or trying to convince you

staring at the blank page until it envelopes everything
the words stopped up at the faucet
Watching the hands chase each other but they never get tired.
Fall winds rattling windows but they can't shake the words from my head out to my fingertips..
instead the thoughts bounce around each other until nothing makes sense