This morning i woke up to
My sister's alarm
6:30

I turned it off so fast
She didn't hear​ it.

I layed awake till 7
Just thinking about how
Fat I am
How useless I am
How cold the room is
Day dreaming about a TV show
Trying to distract myself
From the toxic thoughts
Spinning in my brain.

My alarm rings
And I jump out of bed.
I tell my sister that she slept in.
She's pissy.
Telling me to wake my littlest sister
Cuz she can't
Because she screams her awake.
Because she treats her like ****.
And my 8 year old sister replys
With a temper.

Who can blame her?
Having a huge 15 year old wake you
By screaming in your ear
To hurry the **** up.
Isn't cause for a calm rise.

In her room,
She sleeps like a little angel
You'd never guess
That her mouth is worse then our mothers
I crawl in beside her
Wishing I could just let her sleep.

I slowly shake her awake.
She's angry I ate ice cream without her.
"Finish your dinner next time"
I tell her
Before leaving to go to the restroom.

Shoving my fingers down my throat.
The least favorite part of my day.
But you grow used
To the burning and the choking.
I've dropped a lot this way.

Wiping my mouth
I think back
To when I first got to Portland.

My step dad hadn't seen me
In a little under a year.
Without him making me feel worthless
And the man I love telling me
That I'm beautiful
I had forgotten how ugly
How fat I truly am
Till we arrived at his garage
And he whispered
Laughing to my mother
"She got Chunky"
My mom laughing too.
I covered my fat,
Ugly
Stupid stomach
With my jacket.

I look into the mirror
I rased my shirt.
I lost a bit.
But I'm still fat.
I'm still ugly.

I feel too broken to cry.

I clean myself up

In the kitchen
I find the coffee has been on all night
Black burnt stuff covers the bottom.
So ugly
Gross

I start my coffee.
Just enough for a cup
And a travel mug for my friend and myself.
The more I drink
The more I'll ****
The more I can become somewhat better.
Skinnyer

I leave it to brew.
And get dressed.
All my jeans are *****.
My sister yells at me
For not washing them
I tell her
"I forgot"
She seems unconvenceed.
"Also I don't care."
That's a lie
I do.
I just didn't wanna get up.

Instead of jeans I wear black dress pants
And a black shirt.
I look plain.
I grab my cat ears.
They make me feel good.

My sister is wearing my shirt.
I tell her to leave it alone.
I don't want it to smell or feel like her.
She scares me.
She couldn't win a fight against me I know.
But something
Something about her
Makes me uneasy.

I feel guilty to think this
About the girl who lived in
The same womb I did.

I shake the thought.

She's yelling at the 8 year old.
Their gonna be late.
I watch them leave.
Hearing her yell all down the street.
Worried that maybe
Stuff happens on the way.

The dogs been following me
All around the house waiting for me
To take him to ***.
I take him and watch
As he runs down the stairs.

He ****** on a lawn.

I'm late.

I grab my coffee and drink a cup
In under a minute.
I hope this makes me lose my fat.
I grab my bag.
It's heavy
But not as heavy as my thoughts.

Ugly *****.

I need a smoke.

Oh ****. My bus passes me.

I run.
Aware of my bouncing stomach.
My ugly face.

I make it and smile at the driver.
Flashing her my school ID.
Covering my picture.
With my ugly face.

I don't find a cigarette anywhere before my train pulls up.
On the train.
I tell my mother I'm going to work force after school.
She says ok.

I need to get a job if I wanna go home.
I think about my man
And how I need this money
To get back to him
To get back to a happy place.

Or at least to gets some ******* ****.

I don't wanna think.
So I open my book.
An old friend.
"The Angel's command"

I read till I get to my spot.
Laughing at a joke.
I close it and turn on acdc.
Got no headphones
But the music makes me forget
How much I don't deserve him
For a bit.

I'm only a few minutes late.
A rare thing for me.
I normally miss half of class
And come in ******.

My Friend isn't here.
My other friend has no ****.
My English teacher talks about the play
Fences.
It was werid to hear these people talking
Like me.
As they read.
Though I'd been told
That I can't talk that way cuz I'm white.

My second class.
Current events.
I listen to stories of human stupidity

And I write this poem.

While I'm sober.

I hope at lunch
Someone has something to make me forget
About how useless I am.
About everything.

And at my third period
I hope my teacher
Doesn't make another joke
About my home.


And when I go to work force
I hope I find a job.

And when I go home.
I hope I ***** myself small.
I hope my sister isn't home.
I hope my mom's in a good mood.
I hope my ex step dad calls.
I hope my mom's boyfriend cooks dinner
Just so I can eat a lil and lose it right after.
I hope my shower doesn't end in crying.
I hope I add another chapter to my fan fic.
I hope my man calls and tells me he loves me.
I hope that I sleep without crying.
I hope that I don't see myself in the mirror.

It's gonna be a long day.

You laugh at the girl
With the ****** up clothes
And books on voodoo
Yes you do

And you know
Her mom's on shrooms
And her father's a deadbeat
But what you don't know
Is you don't wanna **** with this little lulu

Oh she knows tricks
You'll never know
Like how to shoot fire
Out her nose!
And how to turn your ****
Into a fire hose
Whoo

Watch it fall from the sky
And fly
As she puts her knife back in her pocket,
Locks her lips
And laughs from this little blue dummy
Yummy
Well ain't that funny?
You thought I was lieing
But now your **** is flying

And you'll probably never
See it again
Watch your lips
And don't talk smack
To a voodoo lulu
When you don't know ****
About the voodoo of a lunatic!

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.

My friends,
when you die,
go to hell,
I'll meet you there
and welcome you home.
For we belong down here.
We curse and we yell
And we howl all night.
Tis always night here
With bonfires
and such huge flames
In camps of the sinners
Here we're all winning
Oh it's never boring here
We drink
We rob
We love
We hate
Discord is our favorite thing

A lot like a firery prison
We will punish those we see fit
Not all who don't fit gods approval list
Beware our anger

When you die
My friends
Go to hell
And I welcome you there.

to donate
people need a reward
a shirt
a gift card
to give to someone

to do the right thing
it must benefit them
never mind the other people it'll help
only you matter

to give a cigarette
"give me 50 cents"
never mind this woman has 3 kids
and works all night
and just needs something to chill

people disgust me
they don't care
unless they get something

selfish creatures
deserve hell  
we all know that quite well

Let me out!
Let me out!
i scream and scream
yet, this mindless drone
continues to talk aimlessly
about finding Y's X
just let me go

i began to see
numbers flying through the air
with plus signs and graphs
everyone around me
laughs, laughs, laughs
and
that mindless, soulless drone
starts reciting binary code!

oh let me go!
let me go!
the graphs have teamed up
with the X's and zeros!
and the imagery numbers
became the allies
of symbols i don't remember!

Y's chasing the X
and Zero's ignoring all the rules

Let me go!
Let me go!
they've trapped me
in problem 92
i can't escape
my work is due

Oh let me go!
Let me go!
i scream and scream
behind my eyes
and this heartless, merciless drone
KEEPS RECITING
THIS **** BINARY CODE!

a ringing sound
and my eyes un-haze
class is over
i made it
i escaped
till tomorrow i say
to the mindless drone
i wish to slay.

Why did I push you away?
I didn't know
it would case me
so much pain
I don't wanna say
I want you back
cuz how horrible would I be
to tell you I love you
after I pushed you away
I think you were right in saying
I'm scared of love
maybe because it's hurt me
my soul
my being
I'm afraid that one day
you'll hate me
so I decided to cut ties
I try not to fall
so to avoid the struggle of standing back up

I miss you through
but I won't let myself tell you
why?
because I'm a stubborn fool
so stubborn
I hate people seeing me
my pain
my tears
me.
but I'm scared of losing you completely
so that's why
right now
I'm staring at you
so intensely
looking for even a hint of longing
for a hint that you've noticed
that I'm fighting myself
over you