I didn't believe in heaven until I realized this is it.


I was absent from truly living,
But then my light was lit.


With the cactus I've found that everything is divine. Nothing is good, nothing is bad
It's all perfectly designed.

I've felt the beauty of life when I drank mushroom tea.
Learned that I am everything and everything is me.

I met people whose paths I was destined to cross, and learned soul mates can come in more forms than I thought.


In the desert I felt connected to all things High. From life, through death, I saw it in the sky.


The Mountains, the Moon, the Desert, Me.

All
One Consciousness,
One God,

One Energy.


I didn't believe in heaven until I realized this is it.


How blessed it is,
I will never forget.

There's something comforting about crying yourself to sleep with a storm raging outside your window.

The rain, your tears.
The howling wind, your sobs.
The thunder, your pounding heart.

Almost as if you're crying, so the world is crying with you.

I was sad for a while, quite a long while.

And i never felt beautiful.

I couldn't sit there with myself without letting my thoughts destroy me, without wanting to destroy myself.

And that caused me to almost destroy the most important relationship in my life.

There was nothing beautiful about it.

But now I'm happy.

Now I'm happier than I've ever been.

And I kindof do feel beautiful, for once in my life.

Because I look at him, and how happy I can make him now, and i can see the beauty in me that I think he sees.

I can see it reflecting back at me in his eyes, in his smile, in his voice.

There was no beauty in my sadness.

But this, where I'm at right now,
This is beauty.

Seven days,
   Six nights.
Spent with the best kisses,
   The best laughs,
      The best love.
                    The best boy.
Filled with cuddles,
   Burritos,
      Showers,
                     And tears.
Skating,
   A Scottish wedding,
      The ocean,
                    *And some beer.

I'll miss his voice. The way he'd say I love you or the way he'd sing his L's.
I'll miss laying on his chest with my leg wrapped around his. That was when I felt home.
I'll miss watching him dance. So goofy, and so cute.
I'll miss his hands. His gentle touch, his strong touch.
I'll miss his veins. I loved tracing them with my fingers in awe that they are what keeps him alive.
I'll miss his smile. There was a certain one, and it made everything in life seem okay
I'll miss the way his burritos would fall apart.
I'll miss his kisses. So filled with love, they'd give me butterflies.
I'll miss watching his lip twitch when I'd touch it. It was one of my favorite things.
I'll miss him getting me to adventure with him. He made my life so much more exciting.
I'll miss making him ***. The sounds, the faces, the taste.
I'll miss falling asleep with him, and waking up to sleepy kisses.
I'll miss taking showers with him. Feeling so exposed and letting him touch me all over.
I'll miss making him food. I loved taking care of him.
I'll miss having him comfort me. He always made me feel so safe. Like when we would go camping and I'd get scared of the sounds.
I'll miss having him tell me howcute, pretty or beautiful I looked everyday.
I'll miss his curved toes. And laughing at them and having him get embarrassed.
I'll miss his cantagious laugh. I now laugh like him sometimes.
I'll miss seeing his cute **** when he'd get up to put pants on. And trying to touch it.
I'll miss standing on my tip toes to try and be as tall as him. I never was.
I'll miss trying to act tough and wrestle him. I never won.
I'll miss getting his goodnight texts.
I'll miss picturing our lives together when we're older.
I'll miss how goofy he gets when he's high. Even though I sometimes wasn't in the mood.
I'll miss the weird looking animals that he thinks are cute.
I'll miss him kissing my feet. He's the only person I can let touch them.
I'll miss plucking his eyebrows and trying to hurt him.
I'll miss all the weird selfies he takes on my phone.
I'll miss driving around with him.
I'll miss how excited he was about his pins, and his games. Even though I made fun of him.. I wish I didnt.
I'll miss talking to him. About anything and everything.
I'll miss feeling so loved
I'll miss everything about him.


I keep reading that to get over someone, you should try to remember all the things you didn't like about them. But there isnt anything. I loved everything, all his imperfections, everything.


I wish I would've appreciated all these things more. I wish I would've known the last time that I would've witnessed everyone of these things.

I wish this wasn't happening.

I love watching you smoke.
I don't know what it is, but just watching you inhale, then exhale.
It's beautiful.
You're alive, and you're breathing.
Breathing in smoke, that is slowly killing you.
I know it's not any good for you.
But you like it, and you're lovely, so I'm not going to stop you.

Every time he told me I was beautiful, every time he reminded me how strong I was, every time he held me when I cried,

he was planting seeds.

Planting the seeds to help me bloom into the beautiful flower that I'm supposed to be.

Right now I'm a stem. I have a few leaves over here, and a few dead ones over there.

But it's time to bloom.

Into a beautiful flower, who glistens in the rain, and shines in the sun.

A flower who needs nothing but the earth to keep it alive.

A flower who needs to believe in itself in order to thrive.

I will love you like a flower loves rain in the summer and the summer loves the river.
I will want you like a believer wants a god and a god wants belief.
I will need you like a candle needs fire and that fire needs wind to calm it down.
I will hold you like a mother holds her newborn baby, and as her baby will someday hold the hand of a man, half as magnificent as you.
I will stay with you like your scar from a lighter and like the light that shows you the way.
I will love you like a flower loves rain in the summer and the summer loves the river.

Every night
   We are laying in bed at the same time,
      Falling asleep at the same time.
But
   We are never
      Doing these things
Together.

I'm filled with doubt,
Which leaves me with nothing to do
Other than to pout.

Sometimes, i swear i'm insane.
If only you knew what goes on in my brain.

It's like i'm on a train, in the rain,
That the conductor no longer knows how to maintain.
And every single passenger is totally, utterly, inhumane.
They're all sipping their champagne,
Or snorting their *******.
Doing whatever it takes to restrain,
From dealing with their pain.

The best feeling in the world has got to be falling asleep with a smile on your face every single night.
Because you can't help but think of his smile,
Or the way you feel when you hear his heart beat with your head lying on his chest,
Or the way he makes you feel when he kisses you all over.



*And these feelings are only getting better.

When you aren't feeling your best,
I want you to lie here on my chest.

And hear my heart beating,
And know that it's beating for only you.


I'll run my fingers through your hair,
To let you know I truly care.

And you could close your eyes,
Forgetting everything that you despise.

I had his things packed, waiting for him to come take them, waiting for the last time I'd see him.

I looked out the window and saw that the sky had grown cloudy. Just like the day we started dating, I thought.

And then I thought the clouds were there so that we could end it the way we started it.

But, my love. I was wrong.

We cried. And cried. And decided we needed to go to the river. At least one last memory together.

I needed one more memory.

But as we drove, it started to rain. Of course. But the rain never stopped us in the beginning, why would it stop us now?

We parked. And kissed. And then hands moved to the places they tend to go, and moans escaped my trembling lips.

We walked down towards the river, rain pouring down on us.

We got high.

And that's when I realized.

I realized that the clouds didn't come to end us the way we started.

They came to give us a new start. A new beginning, a new life together.

Filled with nothing but love. And growing closer together and being happy together.

Standing under the trees trying to hide from the rain, it reminded me of the day we first started dating.

I felt the same way. The same hope, the same happiness, the same feeling.

The feeling that I was right where I needed to be.

That I was *home.

it's true that your mind wanders more,
and you can't keep yourself from thinking of the things you try to avoid throughout the day,
when you stay up too late.

but once you've stayed up all night,
and forgotten to sleep at all,
it all sort of goes away,
leaving you with the thoughts of things that really matter.

like the warmth of his arms around you,
and the sound of his voice when he tells you you're beautiful,
and the sincerity you feel when he whispers i love you,
and the smile on his face when he looks at you.

and these are the thoughts,
with the comfort that they give you,
which allow you to slowly start drifting off to sleep.

whatever gets you through your days,
do it.

if it's that late night walk with your pack of cigarettes that you bummed off a drunken homeless man,
do it.

if it's that blade you've thrown away numerous times but always find yourself digging through that bathroom trash to retrieve the comfort it once gave you,
do it.

if it's that alcohol that you stole after waiting for hours for your parents to finally go to sleep,
do it.

and do it until you can't do it anymore.
do it until it fixes you.
or do it until you realize there are better ways.

but if it helps you,
**do it.

I want you to tell me everything.

I want to know the most tragic things that have happened in your life
And the best.

I want you to tell me what makes you really excited
And what makes you really upset .

I want there to be certain things that you share with me
And only me.

And I want you to know that I get jealous a lot, because I don't like other people being with you, or even talking to you, because you're so wonderful, and I don't want anyone else to realize that.

And I want you to know that I will listen to anything you have to say.

And when I ask you how you're doing, or how your day has been,
I genuinely care.

And whenever you aren't feeling that great, whether you're sick, or sad, or just tired, I want to be there
To make you feel better.

And I want you to be happy,
So I'll do what I have to do to make that happen.

I hate myself,
   and everyone else.
Except for you,
   of course.

      But when i'm with you
         I tend to hate
            myself
               a little less.

going on adventures
singing in the streets
together 'til your soul ventures
c'mon lets take our seats

dancing in the rain
frolicking in the snow
the only things that keep me sane
oh wouldn't you like to know?

laying in the flowers
living in a tree
i could do these things for hours
as long as it's you and me

i need you so
please don't go

My heart grows a little happier each day.

As the days grow shorter, the wind blows stronger, and the leaves turn darker.

*I ache for this season all year round

I'm not here as your guest,
Because guests never plan on staying too long.

I'm not here as your guide,
Because it is rare for a guide to ever be wrong.

I'm not here as just a friend,
Because friends often fail to stay strong.

But instead,
I'm here as your lover.

Because although I'll often be wrong,
I promise to always stay strong.

And I plan on staying very long.

The best kinds of presents
Are the ones that are a surprise
And they come the day after christmas
And you can't believe your eyes.

It's so easy to live life in fear.

To stay comfortable.

To not take any risks.

To hold on to people as tight as you can in hopes that you'll never lose them.


But when you live life like this, you aren't actually living.


Experience new things. By yourself and with the people that you love.

Hold those people close, but realize that they need to live their own lives, too.

You'll never know what could've happened all the times you've said no.

So get uncomfortable, be afraid. That's how the best memories are made.

You're the best of the best.
The pounding in my chest.
The one that I see over all of the rest.

You're the song in my head.
The ending that I dread.
The empty space in my bed.

You're the cutest one ever.
The one I'll always treasure.
The greatest whatsoever.

You're the best of the best.
The pounding in my chest.
The one that I see over all of the rest.

My problem is that I feel too much.


When I was 14 I thought I loved a boy who cared nothing about me. I felt so much and didn't know how to handle it, so I began to cut.

When I cut it was the first time that I had control over what I felt, and it helped.


When I was 15 I fell in love with a boy who cared about me more than anything in the world.

I learned that there are better ways to be in control of what I felt, and I started writing poetry.


Now that I'm 19, and me and that boy have grown up, we've broken our own hearts by being so unsure with the world.


And I feel way too much.


More than when I thought I was in love the first time, more than when I knew I was in love the second.


My body is overcome by everything it feels.
My ******* turn into sobs.
My sobs turn into laughter.


Poetry helps, but not enough.


I haven't been eating enough, because by not eating I regain some control.


But I need something. I know there is something that is missing.


*And I'm going to find it.

Unwind.
Open your mind.
Explore all of the things that you may now find.
You will understand things, of all different kinds.
Now just move on, and don't look behind.

Before I fall asleep everynight,
I go through and close all the apps I used during the day.
But I always leave my messages open
so that I know he's just one click away.

what is the point,
of having a brain,
if we only use parts of it,
ever so often?

But I can't think of a thing to say
that is more beautiful than the way his presence makes all the pieces of my life feel complete.

Nor can I think of an arrangement of words that can express the emotions I feel when our eyes connect and our bodies collide.

The only words that come to mind are the three most overused words in our language, and at this moment, I cannot think of a way to put them to even begin to show him how I really feel.

I want to see what you see.
I want to spend one day being you.
And see all of the things you see,
And how you see them.
But most of all,
I want to see how you see me.
Because then maybe I could understand,
How someone like you would want someone like me.

I want to fall in love with the trees the way I fell in love with his body.

I want to fall in love with the wind the way I fell in love with his laugh.

I want to fall in love with the rivers the way I fell in love with his veins.

I want to fall in love with the stars the way I fell in love with his eyes.


I want to fall in love with myself the way he fell in love with me.

With hugs and kisses and holding hands. Slowly getting a feel of who and what they are.

Then tongues join in with the kissing, and hands start to wander to different locations. Letting go and giving yourself to them, while feeling them letting go and giving themselves to you.

Then kissing other parts of the body and wandering underneath the clothes. Learning more and more about them with every touch.

When clothes come off sparks fly. Bodies begin to move in sync, heavy breathing and slight sweating. Not only your bodies, but your emotions combine. Becoming one in each other, and feeling the emptiness that you once had, slowly but surely start feeling complete.

Then before you know it, almost 2 years have gone by. You've continued growing closer together with every kiss, every touch, and every ******.
There are no regrets, just love. You're completely and utterly in love.

And now you know.
Now you know that this is why you're here,
and he is all you need.

If there's one thing i would tell you right now, it'd be that i love you.

I love you i love you i love you.

I've loved you since the day i met you, and I'll love you till the day i die.

Hey Haley, I'm Willem.

From the moment those words escaped from between those lips, I wanted more.

I remember barely glancing up as i said hello.

Because you were the most beautiful person i had ever seen.

But i had already learned that i wasn't going to let myself feel things anymore, let alone let somebody in.

But when i got home, my mind was filled with you.
With your voice,
Your lips,
Those words.

And i knew i needed more more more.

And then we started talking on a daily basis.

And i still wanted more.

You taught me that feeling things is what makes us be alive, and i can honestly say that i was not living until the day i met you.

And before i knew it, 2 years have gone by.

And here we are.

My mind is still filled with you.
Your voice,
Your touch,
Your thrusts.

Your smile,
And your laugh.

And if there's one thing i would tell you right now, it'd be that i love you.

And you've given me so much more than i could've ever asked for.

But I'll always need more.

More of your voice,
More of your touch,
More of your smiles
And your laughs.
More of your thrusts,

And most importantly,
More of you.

The rain the rain
it keeps me sane

The life outside
makes me want to hide

The trees in the breeze
make my mind freeze

Your hands on mine
make everything fine.

Rain rain don't go away.
Stay with me while i feel gray.

You can leave me any day.
But please wait til I feel okay.


Maybe sometime in next May.

There are a lot of things in life that i take for granted, but you my dear should not be one of them.