And though
She is lost
And cannot
Find the place
She once knew
To be her home
She has found it here
In the sweet serene
Lyrics and melody
Which fills the room
Briefly but just enough
And the truth that lies
Beneath the anxiety
Will ****
Even the beholder
And even though you don’t
Feel like yourself
You are not scary
You are more you than most can be
And for all eternity
You will be free
And though you feel
Scared of yourself
You are too excited
To notice
You are in the moment

I spent my time letting my hands die in the arms of my own body
I broke the chains of slavery yet broke myself in the process
I drank my spit with a dry swallow and discontent for what that meant
My legs tensed and I, like most of the time, felt disgust with myself
And though this was new and strange
I’d known it for some time now and it wasn’t getting easier
My eyes welled up but not enough to form a tear
At least not at this point
And my teeth grinding at the thought of what was happening to my body
But again I said this had happened all too often
And lastly I thought of my day
And the whirlwind I was in that brought me to my own demise
And I wondered why this has happened so often
And each time a bit worse than the last or at the very least a horrifying reality
My fingers felt different than my own and my depression from what they said
Would be to blame but I thought of this much differently
And not in the sense that i did not feel depressed
Just in the sense that the only thing I knew how to feel was death
Death of a self or a hand or even a time in place that I could not accept
I thought that everyday must be like this
And this is why I felt alone or rejected
At wits end or neglected
Why I felt like no one understood or like I was the only one standing in a room
And even with no words leaking from my mouth
My cintrivical force still beared witness to the pain that existed around me
And though my confusion consumed me
My eye began to shed a tear
And my left knee buckled up
And even though my right pointer finger was not to be found
And ultimately made my teeth grind again at the thought
I still was able to exist
Even in this poem
Even in this world
I was here
And the tear fell down my cheek
And thinking of you made it fall harder
The hardest thing I’ve ever experienced Was in the eyes of someone I’d described my pain to
And their go to was to make me feel it again or some part of it to an extent
Their first instinct was to let me relive it through them
As if the pain initially was not enough to comprehend
And that’s where I come to end
This poem or this explanation
That everyone has something to prove
And if it cannot be done through them
They will choose your pain as a way to regain theirselves in vein
And to say this is a joke
Well my only hope
Is that you are not another to
Let my heart be revoked
Of its own truth

i am back
i am lips
i am ****
i am pain
your heartbreaker

i am astound
i am profound
i am unsound
i am bound
to your world

Your rhymes meant nothing to me because your pain was not seen
and im sorry

that you are alone
there
in the closet

sleep well

Time was like a construct that
i didn't want to be a part of
i stopped thinking that it held any real meaning
and i started to forget it
i thought memories were a waste of time
because in two years i will hate that self
and she will no longer be important to me

I used to think i could clear my mind in a park
or a forest
that a getaway would be the right way to write
but what is nature when you  implement it into your picture
I lie there, **** floor, crashing my reality
I would say it was falling around me but
someone took that one already
I had a way with words and sharing them
I had a way with lovers but not with friends
men wanted my *** or my **** or my face
and i wanted to be someones saving grace
so tell me am i at fault for not knowing
what the hell was going on
or am i introuble with myself for lying
by acting like i would belong
i am the nobody here bud and
it is unfortunately because of what you do
but i wont be too harsh
except on myself, just for you

Once you looked hell in the face
You swear you’d go back
Because living eternity
In a world where little know
The satisfaction of misery
And contentment at once
Meant heaven to you

Morning hit her by storm
Waiting in her bedroom
For the stars
The day passing by
In and out of feeling
Familiarity and reflection
Were just horrendous

Do me a favor
If love kills me
Read my poetry

I know I can let you go
For a second
I doubt it
But I think I am better now
I sure hope so
You didn’t care
Right?
I didn’t think so
Maybe some
Not enough
That’s okay
I have found a new love

She thought about trains
And what they looked like
The stations and how it'd feel
Just to sit and wait while figures pass
What it would feel like
To sit next to a perfect stranger
Everyday of the week
She thought she could live there
That place with trains
Grey stations and faces
She thought she'd never leave
Because when the snow hit
She could forget
All she felt before
She wanted messy love in the fall
The leaves changing colors
Smiles as bright as the sun
She wanted genuine silence
And admiration
The boots that fit snug
Wrapped around her ankles
She wanted to feel pretty
In pea coat in the rain
She wanted respect
The sort of acknowledgement
That anyone should get
She wanted to share her heart
With everyone who fell apart
She wanted simplicity
And hell
In one big shot
She wanted to live
And know she was

I stood there
Where were your cries
How could you live
Without me?
I surely knew
I couldn't go on
Without you
I pleaded with myself
Tried to forgive myself
Heal myself
But still I glance
At memories of you
Wondering what to do
But you were not good for me
You see and I should know now
To flee
I ate your ******* apples ******
And burnt your **** cookies
I cried in the corner
You laughed at my tolerance
I thought I could understand you
It wasn't so bad
I could teach you too
But you taught me lessons
Of who not to be
I took the pain
You gave to me
I broke it down
Talked it up
Cried and cried
Filled a cup
I melted at the thought
That it would not work out
I'm so glad I left you
But you haven't left me somehow

Speak
He said to me again
Please tell me
I'm here to be your friend
You stay so quiet
In a room full of people
But while alone
I feel so little

I don't want to need you
Or to know you so well
You may be different now
But make no mistake
I hold your heart
It's here with me in times
Where you're disconnected
I feel it around me
Wonder if you meant for it
To float above the horizon
Above the deep blue sky
I wonder if you feel it
Lurking where I hide
You're waiting I believe
The way you said you would
Then again I am crazy
And you would want me to
Wait for you?
We had plans of a sort
The ones you described briefly
I tried to comprehend
I do now sometimes
But you are gone now
You see your heart is with me
I don't think you'll get it back
I didn't ask for it
It just doesn't make sense
Like love has no rhyme
Has no reason
The way you said you got it
But you never could believe it
I still write for you this way
Though you're long gone
But your heart is here with me
I'll take it where it belongs

I knew I fell for you
When I heard your voice
Walking up the stairs
The second floor of the apartment
I was scared
To look in your direction
Our eyes met for a split second
Feeling sort of sick
I couldn't help it
Nervousness hit
I sat down and watched the room
Loading a bowl
I listened without full comprehension
Of what Impact you'd have
On the rest of my life
Scared and vulnerable
I lured you to a cigarette
Talking for an hour or so
Waiting for time to go
As it was still when watching you
I felt admired
My best friend speaking highly of me
And a plethora of personality
Surrounding me
I think I was grateful
Drinking absinthe to numb
What I knew to become
The last bit of myself to flee
I offered you a ride home
Drunk but still sure
To get you home safe
Throwing up in the parking lot
I knew to be your place
We left that night
You had most likely other plans
Knowing you'd see me again
I couldn't resist you
But who could really?
You were the trees
The few I had known
I waited for you
Hurting me then helping
Turning me seldom
So it seemed
I was inlove with you
Thinking I'd have to leave
That this was bad for me
And it would bring pain
I couldn't let fear rule me
But you gave me that
The fearlessness
At least I had thought
I knew you loved me
Taking me back now
Are the images in my head
Painted beautifully
I still can't relax
Please come back

I keep reading Bukowski
You said he *****
That he was a whiney baby
And then Elliot Smith
You said you hated
But Goodwill Hunting
You said was your favorite
And I'd show you songs
But you knew them already
You told me time trap
Was the best from Built to Spill
You ate honey with fries
Said it was a secret
You told me lies
Until I'd believe it
You said I liked big words
Like I wanted to be smart
You'd challenge my intelligence
By tearing me apart
You said I had a high eq
That your iq was 155
You said if we dated
I would want to die
Suicidal I am
And more lost than before
Why couldn't you let me
Walk out your door?

Tears are sprinkling my skin
Just enough moisture
To feel alive again
I was a bean
Waiting to grow
But you were the gardener
Sitting each day
With a watering can
Somedays staring at it intently
yet you wouldn't budge

I've been thinking
I should leave you alone
I mean
I haven't called you in months
But I've bent backwards
Trying not to
I doubt you'd answer
So what's the point
She's what you searched for
But me, I showed you something
I know that I did
I know that you controlled me
But there is love
Where stones hit roses
I pleaded with myself
You couldn't help it
And by any means
I deserved it?
I don't know
I ignored it
Because there is love
Where stones hit roses
Still I wish for you
It was you I wanted
Always & forever
I bet you make her laugh
She does the same for you
You probably even dance with her
And you don't say she's terrible
But does she stretch your legs
When they get tight
Does she massage your back
Through the night
Tickling your arms
Up to your fingertips
Does she whisper to you
The way I once did
I ask these things a lot
Was your love bought?
Probably not
But there is love
Where stones hit roses
She must be a stone too?

It's nuts
How every night repeats
The thoughts of you
Flooding in as I try to rest
Then I can't
You're everywhere at once
You spun my mind
Around your fingers
Missing you is toxic
You'd say, 'Banana's nuts'
And I'd laugh and say 'no'
It's things like that I miss
How you made me feel
Like nothing yet everything
Was so ******* real
You swept me
Off this Earth
So every nights a repeat
The thoughts of you
Flooding in as I try to rest

Why won't you leave?
It's been a year now
stop torturing me
give it up darling
I believe you've moved on
So why won't you leave?
I'm driving the same roads
Seeing the same places
Writing the same words
give it up darling
I thought you were gone
Please won't you leave?
You're holding my frame
Stuck in my brain
Driving me insane
give it up darling
listen to that last song
And just leave me be.

I'm falling in love with you again
Yet, this time in my head
I used to think the real thing was better
But this way I hold it together
You see, you and me
We didn't blend easily
You wanted to hurt me
I wanted your love
I wanted to run
But I never gave up
And you will see
That you left me
When you return one day
Noticing I've spent a decade
Falling in love with you again
Everyday in my head
This is what you've done

She stood at his feet
As he lay there asleep
Wondering where he'd been
She wished to know him
More than he'd shown her
She ranted every waking hour
He brushed her aside
Kept her to hide
He couldn't give her away yet
He was not done with her
She loved him too much
He still had more to **** from her
There was never enough of her
And he watched her go mad
He watched her lose all she had
He watched her cry and then laugh
He watched her scribble for hours
She was mad
He did that to her
He ripped her apart
He took her passion
He took her heart
She tried to leave
Time and again
He'd always weep
And she'd let him in
Why do you stay?
She didn't know
She had felt too much
To let him go

It's silly to me, how I have to write "loved" each time I write for you.
I can't, no,
I won't believe I still love you,
even though I do.

She drew hearts all the time, like she had been waiting for someone to fill them in.

sunk into my seat
melting in the ground
the wish that makes
you fear yourself
I lack the self respect
to control and contain
a section of insanity
seeping through my veins
fearing, sinking, falling, patience

I wanted to fix you
I think I really did
Or at least I tried
I loved you more than her
I think I do
Or at least I once did
I carried you further
Than anyone
And you'll look back
To forget me
My heart will ache here
As it does now
And I will miss your laugh
And your charisma
I'll miss your passion
And I'll never believe
You really loved me
Even though you tried
And maybe you did
I am sorry
darling I loved you

I used to think if you were writing for a past lover, you were an imbosol
How could you be so lost to be stuck on one person, stuck in the past
But now I am that imbosol
That terrified gut wrenching individual
That you can't feel bad for
Because I chose to give my love away in hopes that one day it would return to me

I write you
I write you a lot
I write you letters you'll never read
Poems you'll never see
I write to you, for you, about, you
But I don't ever write for me
You see, you were my muse
And all I have left of you
are memories

It takes a great deal to be happy
Yet only one disappointment to be sad
I can only imagine a life
Where we didn't hyper focus on the bad

Is it the anger, pain and loss in our lives
That we so greatly turn our heads to
Trapped in a sinicle mind
Fear and sadness we succumb to

But a great life that we are given
to live and fail to recognize
The torturous thoughts we share
should be empathized

With time at a stand still
but as fast as the speed of light
Why do I wait for happiness
as if it comes overnight

And yet I sit in regret and discomfort
I hold on to my greatest nightmares
If all see is shadows and doors
This life will be purely unfair

A ray of sunlight fills my days
And I fail to see it in skies of grey
Is it that I've become submissive
Or do I let darkness swallow my day

In a world where I can assimilate
All the satisfaction that surrounds me
I would have to disregard
All the suppressed pain I have seen