I find myself staring at your pictures
for hours without end
an act that feels so involuntary
one that I constantly try to suppress
in these moments I wonder
are you happier without me
was there someone else
why do I care…
I shouldn’t care…
yet
the more I try
the more I feel drawn to you
the more I feel our faiths are entwined
the more I feel I belong
to you…
its intoxicating
the hold you have on me
and it seems I have none
over you

I have been lost at sea for a while
I don’t know how many days have gone by
months
or even years
I just know I have been here floating for a while
looking upwards at the sky
I watch the clouds take shape
while the waters change so unexpectedly at times
I float around without direction
guided by these waves that devour me whole
I sink deeper beneath these waters
yet
I never do drown
instead my lungs are constantly filled
I suffocate…
then somehow
I resurface for air
again
and again
I am consumed by these waves
endlessly...
I float around
lost at sea
aimlessly...
I have been lost for a while

I am a dark soul consumed by the darkness buried within this world
by its lust yet not by its greed
by its pain yet I don’t feel sorrow
no remorse because I feel I have done nothing wrong
no belief because it’s convenient when I justify my actions
a justification to whom?
one’s self
a reflection that is cracked, therefore it’s hard to stare
in my mind I promote self-hate
but why?
because the hatred of myself is easier to bare than the judgment of others
I walk the path of an outcast
that of isolation
all by choice
I say…
with that decision
along comes drugs and alcohol
alcohol becomes my god
and these drugs my sanctuary
I will continue to curse this world for all my pain while I spiral out of control
for I have no control
of these actions of mine nor their outcome
it’s never my fault
how DARE YOU blame me
for all that’s falling apart

I crave you in the midst of all this chaos
your love
your warmth
the touch of your lips as they meet mine
I remember thinking “how soft they feel”
how surprised I felt
the whisper of…
I love you
at night
the closeness of your body laying next to mine
I felt vulnerable
safe
being with you
the
love
of my life
moments with you
can only be felt
an experience that transcends time
being apart does not mean…

we are apart