It's never appealed to me,
The smell of cigarettes.
Whether it was my upbringing or the Asthma,
I couldn't say.

2-3 days later and it's peaked.
Headache √
Anxiety √
Nausea √

Here I am.
All the symptoms are there.
What these lips have touched.
What these lungs have tasted.

They crave for more.

All that's happened up to this point
it has not been easy.
It has come with equal discomfort
as comfortable as I truly I am.

And although its not very sturdy,
this is the table in which it lays.
It's not easy but I am happy,
And I know it'll get easier in time.

Lately I've been
Thinking about this little girl
That was in the room next to mine
At the state rehab
Facility when I
Was 13
She was always
Crying
And being
Told to wash her face
Use her coping skills
She was 6
And her parents told
Her they were going
Out for
ice cream
Then they dropped her
Off
And she hasn't seen
Them in two weeks
So she's crying
And she's scared
And she's telling this
To a drugged up
Hospital gowned (they took all my clothes at check in)
Preteen
She's scared
I've got scars up
And down my arms

She's scared
And she's crying
And this isn't the ice cream parlor
Down the street
From her suburban home
And this isn't her bed
These aren't her friends
And I don't know why
But I promised her that everything would be ok
And that it was fine to be scared
         her parents were coming back

Everything would be fine
And perhaps there would be pudding
With sprinkles at lunch
Which is pretty close to ice cream.

I wrapped my pinky around
Hers
Half the size
And I promised her all of these things
None of which I really knew
To be true
A nurse came barreling down the hallway
And screamed at me
For interacting with a younger
Girl in a different program
Then they moved her to a different room

I never saw her again
Heard her cry
And I forgot about her
Little blotchy
Swollen face
Crying to me
Throughout the years

Then a few weeks ago
I remembered that you had promised to me
You would always be here
Which you couldn't possibly know
And I thought of the girl
And the ice cream
All of the promises I made

I wondered if I had lied
To her
And I wondered
Why we so often
Make promises
We aren't entirely sure
Will be kept?

A majority of the struggle for Art,
is simply becoming a reality.

I hate finding the beauty in things,
But by now it's all I can do.
And I hate finding the beauty in everyone,
Cause I fear I'll glaze over that beautiful someone.

I'm not weak.
I am scared.
I love you.

I listen to the sounds the leaves make as they fall to the ground,
Look at the way the water moves as the breeze blows,
Smell the crisp air as the sun beams,
And I wonder if they notice all the same things about me.

I kept staring at the ceiling fan reminding me of a dog chasing its tale, but the breeze relieved me. It kept me from sweating as your heart pounded in my ear begging me to answer your question.
I knew the answer you wanted, but I couldn't give it to you could I?
I spent so much time focusing on the one I lost, so much time knowing that she was the girl of my dreams that I was afraid to wake up.
As long as I stayed asleep I didn't have to live in a world where she didn't walk next to me every day.
Your eyes were burning a hole in my face.
So I burnt a hole in the ceiling fan.
Wishing and hoping it would take me away like a propeller on a helicopter.
Same concept right?
I wasn't going to escape this question that there was no right answer to.
You asked again maybe thinking I didn't hear you, but I heard you clearly both times when you said, "I love you."