I feel like I am fighting in a war in my mind. Every day I get sliced, stabbed, picked and probed at, and out of all the wounds blood comes rushing out. I feel the blood drip down my body and I can see the wounds, and they hurt.

But there's this voice in the back of my head that tells me I have to stop being so soft; that I'm just making the wounds up in my head. All because I'm too **** lazy. The voice screams at me to get up and to keep fighting and that I have to keep fighting until I'm dead. Death is time that I am allowed to rest.

So I keep running and I keep fighting, but the voice in my head was wrong; and those wounds are real; and I'm slowly bleeding to death.

And I'm scared that one day I might not wake up again.

It's funny how desires work. A thought pops up in our mind, and it snowballs to the point that if we don't do it, we fear we may explode in that very moment.
The lustful heart. How dangerous it is for both parties. Secret touches, forbidden words whispered in passing breaths. We all want love. Even for just one second. We crave the sweetness of being adored, even if the aftertaste burns our lips... and hearts. We fall for the wrong people, for the right reasons; most of the time. We fall in love with how a person laughs, or talks, or the way their eyes crinkle ever so slightly when they smile. We notice the tiniest things about them and grow fascinated by them. Curiosity about the scar on their hand or why they don't know how to react when you say sweet words to them. You watch everything they do and store it in your mind. A memory to re-watch on the days you miss them. But we can also get addicted to the way they make us feel. How the world doesn't seem so vast anymore or how your heart slows as they hold you. You memorise how their hands feel in yours and you make blueprints of their lips in your mind. You get addicted to the electric shock down your body as their undivided attention is on you. Do you really love them or do you just love not being alone? Both, perhaps.
Oh, how curious the human heart is. Capable of feeling so profoundly and deeply but capable of killing it the very next second. How quickly our feelings change. They cannot be trusted. Promise me you won't fall for the trap of love again. I ask you, no, I beg you, please don't do it. I am only nineteen years old, but I have felt the greatest of heartbreaks. Love, in this world, will destroy you. Maybe, I have only ever known the wrong types of love. The love of an abusive dad, of cheating and abusive boyfriends, the love of someone who is truly not meant for me. I have been heart broken and I have broken hearts; I wish for neither any more.
Being heart broken makes you feel like you will surely die the very next moment. No air enters your lungs, lips and mind frozen in time as you feel every piece of your shattered heart fall. Every moment death does not take you, you taunt the devil so that he may come quicker.
However, in some ways, being the heart breaker can feel even darker. You meet the side of yourself you thought would remain in hell. So cruel and inhuman. To see someone crawling on their knees begging for the scrapes of your love, but the best that you can afford to give them is time, and when you get bored, you cannot even afford that anymore. You turn and laugh as they scramble to pick up the pieces of their heart before the wind blows them away.
No, I do not wish for either. But if I were forced to choose one, I'd choose to have my heart broken. A painful reminder that life is real. How dull our lives would be with no heart break.

You were my secret,
for a little while, anyway.
We would sit under that tree,
my hand cradling you
as you made my belly swell.
You made me feel at ease.

But you see my little one,
I was so **** scared. I’m only eighteen;
I didn’t have the stability for you that I should.
Still, you were mine.
I was going to protect you.
Give you everything I possibly could.

I would give my life,
I would give my soul,
just so you could have yours.
I would carry the pain of the world,
bear the markings of death,
if it meant you were at peace.

Your daddy and I weren’t ready.
You were a surprise,
oh my dear little one.
But we would have loved you,
I promise you.
You would be our little sun.

Did you have your daddy’s eyes?
Brown, loving, forever yearning.
Would they crinkle when you smile, like his?
Did you have your daddy's personality?
Mischievous, kind, confident.
Would you face the world head on, like he does?

I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry if I did something
that caused you to leave too soon.
My heart is forever broken.
It snapped into two,
Half of it wanting to stay here with your daddy,
And the other half craving the unspoken...

Do you like heaven my little one?
Is it beautiful and serene?
I hope you’re up there
playing with all the other babies
taken away too early.
I hope you’re happy, oh please hear my prayer.

I miss you.
Every day my heart screams,
grieving for who you would be.
You will always be in my thoughts.
My hands beg, again, for the feeling of you
while we sat under that tree.

She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle.
Why would they? She wouldn't let anyone see.
She built her walls to heaven and beyond
placing indestructible bricks so none could break through.

Not even God could peer through the roof she had constructed
She had forced herself a slave in a prison she made
Why should she burden others with the torment she deserves

It's been ten years yet you still linger
in every dark corner that my mind beholds
I wish I could be rid of you, of the scars that you left
I wish I could be rid of you, the nightmares that haunt me

It still feels like yesterday, your hand covering my mouth
I couldn't scream for help. Why did I ever trust you?
My wrists were bruised you held me that tight
I  couldn't escape what you had planned to do

I was only eight, man, who could do that
to someone who was the same age as their sister?
You were like my brother. We grew up together
One day we were family, the next... you were my demon.

I kept my mouth shut, we lived next to each other
It'd be so much easier to pretend that everything was normal
That one time was the only time
you had left me alone, or so I thought

You see your sister, she was like my sister
she was my life, we played all day
So each day I came back to the house
the house with the demon that took my innocence

I was starting to believe I was safe again. I mean,
three years had past. We had become a family again
We played the wii and climbed trees together.
Everything was okay..until it wasn't

It happened again, and again, and again
Oh, I wished I never had trusted you
What did I do that made you do this
Surely this was my fault, right? I couldn't make you stop.