i take my daily walk
(that is never the same).
i may walk the same paths
but i can't walk the same steps.

now i'm afraid you can't repeat the past.

*and i'm more afraid of finding out whether that is a good or bad thing.

i only want a place that i can call home.

why do i have to be so hard to love?

did you truly love me or getting in my pants?

i am sorry that my everything was nothing to you.

when you were 7 years old, did you ever think that this is really where you'd end up?

i miss the memories we'll never be able to make.

if you aren't in love with the sky, then open up your eyes. this isn't some kind of dream; this is real. this is wonderful.

people say
"you deserve better."

well how the **** do i find something better than the best **** thing that has happened to me.

i have a hard time getting out my house key.

there's nothing here anymore. leave while you still can.

tired of paper being the only one wanting to listen.

i think
the deepest, darkest
parts of me
are the greatest
pieces that make me up.

and i'm afraid
no one
has the time
to get there.

i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

please never tell me something that you don't mean,,
because i'm too stupid not to believe it.

saying*  *i love you  out of habit vs. **meaning it

you can't fall in love with someone only because they love you too.

sometimes you just gotta lay down on the floor with your dog and let go of the world for a little.

10:17
and it's already a bad night.
not gonna lie it could probably
top the charts
for one of the worst.

it started out as just some tears.
and then the gasping for breathe.
and then mentally close up my throat--
giving myself a real challenge to breathe.
and then i start getting physical chest pains.
because my chest is so used to going up to bring air in and back down to let that **** out.
real bad chest aches.
so i tried banging on my chest.
you know, givin it a little kick to work.
and i knew my chest hurt on the inside.
and i could feel my chest hurt on the outside now-- probably from my punches.
and then i started to notice
it felt good.*
so i kept hitting.
and hitting.
all while i'm trying to breathe.
but my mind won't let me.
i begin to use all of my energy.
i'm trying to rip off all of my skin.
and get rid of every place i've been touched.
i had to have been making some progress.
being that i felt the skin under my nails.
and i could feel every body part inflaming.
so i kept going.
and going.
but then i must've started to shut down.
mentally and physically i think.
idk it's all a blur.
i think i lost my vision for a little.
and probably my hearing.
either that or my six minute song skipped the middle three.
idk i'm still so unsure.*
but to say the least i collapsed.
physically for sure.
because i was on the ground.
and all i wanted was to go lower.
imagine this:
i'm crumpled up.
laying on my bottom floor.
begging god.
to let me go just two yards deeper.

please, god.
just let me go.
six feet under.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

i'm sorry for everyone i have bothered

i'm tired of ******* everything up.
and i say i'm sorry after i ***** up. which is a lot more often than i would like. but i'm sorry that i apologize so often that it means nothing anymore. i am sorry. i never meant to be this big of a **** up.

you shattered my heart.
it didn't even hurt this time.
because honestly,
i don't know that it ever healed from that last time.

what hurts.
what is still causing me pain.
is that you cared so ******* much.

and now,
i am in more pain than ever,
and you don't give half a ****.


*honestly i'm afraid you might find a little bit of joy out of it.

my brain thinks faster than my hands can write.
so i'm sorry for hardly ever making sense.
but please don't question me.
because i probably have no idea what the **** i'm talking about
and i really don't care to know what i'm talking about.

even if i do know what i'm talking about,
i don't care to share.

figure it the **** out.

mornings would not be so bad if i woke up with a view of you.

the people who love you can still hurt you too.

Keep in mind
You're just like your friends.

So choose wisely
Because no matter how different you think you are
No one else can tell the difference.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

I've learned to live this way
Because of people like you.
Yes you.
No matter how bad of a person I think I am
You are worse.

You take insecurities and
Give me less of a reason to feel safe
Especially behind my back.  

I'm sorry your stupidity probably doesn't understand
What half of these mean.

Ever understood an analogy?

Here it is plain and simple.

Go **** yourself.

I'm getting used to being alone.
Comfortable with being by myself.

Not in the good way.
Opposite of growing confidence.

Like me building myself up
To having no expectations.

No invitations out.
No boys talking to me.

Unless it's for homework.
Or being *****.


I guess we can't all have everything.
So don't check me off for friends or happiness.

Am I truly happy
If I have to
Convince myself that I am?

You remind me of
Wilting roses.

Once so pretty
And full of life.

Now dying
And able to see the end.

Please don't be bothered
If I come along with you.

Because I can still see
All of your beauty.

Everyone wants this sad sob story
Like some sort of excuse
for the way I feel.

And I'm sorry that I can't give you that.
Because the saddest thing that has happened to me
hasn't really happened to me.

So I don't know why I'm so upset.
I have no reason to
Other than the fact
that only ****** people exist.

And I too am in existence.

So who the **** is gonna pity
Some ****** person like myself.

I think yesterday might have been
the best day of my life.

That's easy to say being that I
don't have much to compare it to.

Lately everyday it's been storming
and I've been locked outside.

The rain hasn't stopped since
before the summer.

I can't remember the last time
I felt sunshine on my face.

And yesterday it may have been
just partly cloudy.

But that's all it really took
just one little ray of sun.  

Now I'm hoping to get a tan
because I could get used to these better days.

I was lonely
And he was charming

He showed me comfort
And you didn't bother to text me

I can't say I regret it
Because you've shown me no reason to.

Getting out of bed in the morning
Is a lot harder to do
When you have no one to wake for
And generally
No reason to live.

It's 3 am somewhere
And that's just another reason
For me to tell you this.

I think I've gone mad
I just might be insane.

Come along with me
And together we can be crazy.

When drowning in your own thoughts
You have to be your own life saver.

Because no on wants best for you
More than you.

And I promise
No matter what it comes down to
You'll always be placed second
By everyone around you.

You're responsible for putting yourself on top.

So hold your breath
And swim on up.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

I am not
Scared of
                      dying

And I believe
That's the most
Terrifying thing
I have ever written

And yet it
Is the most
Powerful thing
About me.

I am very quickly beginning to hate the person I have become

And everyone around me is assuring me that I have every reason not to be loved

Even from myself

Who do you
Spend time with

When your annoyed
By your peers

And sick
Of your family?

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

My hands are still shaking because I know I'll never speak to you again. I am still crying because I know I'll never hear your laughter again. I am still mourning over the idea of never hearing you cry again. I am still nervously laughing because I'll never hear your lies again. And maybe I never had time to let these sink in, because quite honestly I've never been so ****** up. But maybe I never was okay and now I'm letting you take the blame. For you are never going to be able to defend yourself again, and quite honestly, I'm still bitter.

I have to admit
I like to see an underdog win.

I know that everyone loves a love story
And they're rooting for the soul mates.

But I must be bitterly truthful
Because love is never what it seems.

So I hope it ends now
So your forever broken heart can heal sooner.

Just know
that our comprehension
of each other
through communication
is furthest understood
through words.

And words have a limit.

So maybe we
are just beyond that.