i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

10:17
and it's already a bad night.
not gonna lie it could probably
top the charts
for one of the worst.

it started out as just some tears.
and then the gasping for breathe.
and then mentally close up my throat--
giving myself a real challenge to breathe.
and then i start getting physical chest pains.
because my chest is so used to going up to bring air in and back down to let that **** out.
real bad chest aches.
so i tried banging on my chest.
you know, givin it a little kick to work.
and i knew my chest hurt on the inside.
and i could feel my chest hurt on the outside now-- probably from my punches.
and then i started to notice
it felt good.*
so i kept hitting.
and hitting.
all while i'm trying to breathe.
but my mind won't let me.
i begin to use all of my energy.
i'm trying to rip off all of my skin.
and get rid of every place i've been touched.
i had to have been making some progress.
being that i felt the skin under my nails.
and i could feel every body part inflaming.
so i kept going.
and going.
but then i must've started to shut down.
mentally and physically i think.
idk it's all a blur.
i think i lost my vision for a little.
and probably my hearing.
either that or my six minute song skipped the middle three.
idk i'm still so unsure.*
but to say the least i collapsed.
physically for sure.
because i was on the ground.
and all i wanted was to go lower.
imagine this:
i'm crumpled up.
laying on my bottom floor.
begging god.
to let me go just two yards deeper.

please, god.
just let me go.
six feet under.

you're a postscript as a title.

i miss the memories we'll never be able to make.

i am sorry that my everything was nothing to you.

you shattered my heart.
it didn't even hurt this time.
because honestly,
i don't know that it ever healed from that last time.

what hurts.
what is still causing me pain.
is that you cared so ******* much.

and now,
i am in more pain than ever,
and you don't give half a ****.


*honestly i'm afraid you might find a little bit of joy out of it.

i think
the deepest, darkest
parts of me
are the greatest
pieces that make me up.

and i'm afraid
no one
has the time
to get there.

you're really good at proving to me i deserve better.

saying*  *i love you  out of habit vs. **meaning it

i'm tired of ******* everything up.
and i say i'm sorry after i ***** up. which is a lot more often than i would like. but i'm sorry that i apologize so often that it means nothing anymore. i am sorry. i never meant to be this big of a **** up.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

you can't fall in love with someone only because they love you too.

i take my daily walk
(that is never the same).
i may walk the same paths
but i can't walk the same steps.

now i'm afraid you can't repeat the past.

*and i'm more afraid of finding out whether that is a good or bad thing.

my brain thinks faster than my hands can write.
so i'm sorry for hardly ever making sense.
but please don't question me.
because i probably have no idea what the **** i'm talking about
and i really don't care to know what i'm talking about.

even if i do know what i'm talking about,
i don't care to share.

figure it the **** out.

people say
"you deserve better."

well how the **** do i find something better than the best **** thing that has happened to me.

tired of paper being the only one wanting to listen.

there's nothing here anymore. leave while you still can.

did you truly love me or getting in my pants?

if you aren't in love with the sky, then open up your eyes. this isn't some kind of dream; this is real. this is wonderful.

i'm sorry for everyone i have bothered

mornings would not be so bad if i woke up with a view of you.

i can't tell if a bird is happy or sad while he/she is chirping. and i kind of find peace in that because that means even sad things can be beautiful.

sometimes you just gotta lay down on the floor with your dog and let go of the world for a little.

cheers.
bottoms up.
i'll drink to that.

whichever your preference.
but here's to hopefully:
the beginning of the end.

now the tricky part. picking a way to go out.

see you soon, nick.

it's like
i'm an artist
and you're blind.

i've spent countless hours on these paintings.
i've put my everything in them.
there are small details that even the professionals couldn't notice.
and it turns out you can't either.

so why am i still painting?

the people who love you can still hurt you too.

Everyone wants this sad sob story
Like some sort of excuse
for the way I feel.

And I'm sorry that I can't give you that.
Because the saddest thing that has happened to me
hasn't really happened to me.

So I don't know why I'm so upset.
I have no reason to
Other than the fact
that only ****** people exist.

And I too am in existence.

So who the **** is gonna pity
Some ****** person like myself.

What's the perfect guy
If he's not perfect for you

Waiting for the day
For you to call me
When I'm looking at flowers
Instead of up at the stars

I think yesterday might have been
the best day of my life.

That's easy to say being that I
don't have much to compare it to.

Lately everyday it's been storming
and I've been locked outside.

The rain hasn't stopped since
before the summer.

I can't remember the last time
I felt sunshine on my face.

And yesterday it may have been
just partly cloudy.

But that's all it really took
just one little ray of sun.  

Now I'm hoping to get a tan
because I could get used to these better days.

When drowning in your own thoughts
You have to be your own life saver.

Because no on wants best for you
More than you.

And I promise
No matter what it comes down to
You'll always be placed second
By everyone around you.

You're responsible for putting yourself on top.

So hold your breath
And swim on up.

Just know
that our comprehension
of each other
through communication
is furthest understood
through words.

And words have a limit.

So maybe we
are just beyond that.

I am not
Scared of
                      dying

And I believe
That's the most
Terrifying thing
I have ever written

And yet it
Is the most
Powerful thing
About me.

Who do you
Spend time with

When your annoyed
By your peers

And sick
Of your family?

It's 3 am somewhere
And that's just another reason
For me to tell you this.

I think I've gone mad
I just might be insane.

Come along with me
And together we can be crazy.

you used to pick me up when i fell,
but now i am laying on this cold concrete floor and i hear someone snickering in the background and i know i haven't heard your laugh in awhile but i know i could never forget that laugh of yours.

I want to do something big with my life
And I don't know what that is.
I wish I knew what I'm going to do
So I could get on the right path.

Because right now
The biggest thing I have done in my life
Is **** everything up.

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

What do you even mean
That's not right
You shouldn't be with him.

I don't give half of a ****
About what you have to say
So you won't affect my actions.

Don't worry
When you flip on me
I'm not going to care then either
So don't even waste your breath

Keep in mind
You're just like your friends.

So choose wisely
Because no matter how different you think you are
No one else can tell the difference.

You remind me of
Wilting roses.

Once so pretty
And full of life.

Now dying
And able to see the end.

Please don't be bothered
If I come along with you.

Because I can still see
All of your beauty.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

Am I truly happy
If I have to
Convince myself that I am?

I was lonely
And he was charming

He showed me comfort
And you didn't bother to text me

I can't say I regret it
Because you've shown me no reason to.

I have to admit
I like to see an underdog win.

I know that everyone loves a love story
And they're rooting for the soul mates.

But I must be bitterly truthful
Because love is never what it seems.

So I hope it ends now
So your forever broken heart can heal sooner.

Don't even listen to me
I have no idea what the ****
I am talking about

But honestly


Please show me someone who does.

But what if this time
When you say goodbye
It really is forever