No one can say this world's the palace  of wonderful  things,
When born into a broken home,
Where the love given isn't shown
A concrete hell
A saddened reality
Where we see a corrupt sight

My mother with a depressed life
Seeked herion to feel numb.
A brother rebel of his own making
Tool, pantera and slayer his music engraved his soul
Marilyn Manson echoed his ROOM Nothing but anger. ..
Loomed...
A sister thoughts outlined in chalk
Her addiction to liquor flowed forth HIDDEN
Away .. to cover the years that were in a disarray
She always wanted a perfect size two body
To show off... anorexic and bulimic disorders covered her pain..
Innocent and still so very young
I was locked away in My fantasy world
Barbies and Polly pocket... and my teddy bear Bentley. .
I climb the tree in my front yard to protect myself somehow.

Teasing me my sibling would say..
Hahaha your the adopted one
The truthfulness wasn't there
Why did no one care
Issues of a broken home
Memories come flooding back

I wasn't strong, my knees were weakened by the addiction that feeds  my forsaken life..

To be a amazing person with the ability to overcome it and show the world I'm different then the rest...
To bad so sad I failed the test.

My addiction never fooled ANYONE
I had no idea how strong of a grasp it had on my soul, it took the innocence
And left a big hole.

To think I would  be just fine
That it wouldn't
been blawing my eyes out
Because I lost months of my life..

Disappeared in the blink of an eye..
Wrong of me to think that I would be an exception.

Now this battlefield in my life
A wrecking ball with cracking frames, writhing dreams,
Shattered hopes,
Devastated CRYS
And don't forget guilt ridden
Thoughts separated family
Children with unanswered questions
And fears that **** the soul
For I can't let them know
I chose to not try
And now..
2YEARS LATER I WANT TO SHOW THEM MOMMYS GONNA NOT FAIL
BUT TOO LATE ..
I BAILED
And failed my sweet babies sooo extremely much
---
A few thoughts of suicide entered my brain but that won't solve a thing

So I have 13 years I have to miss of the memories I can't have  but with time .

I can ensure my life will be on the right track
When their 18 with a head on their shoulders. . My chance to be the mother I was supposed  to be
Will be at my feet!

For now its only hopes in my dreams

This thoughts in my mind
Repeat over and over
Picturing it like a movie on rewind
I reminisce the past as I close my eyes.

Memories come flooding back
Breaking this this cage of glass
I simply don't think anything through.

Now I'm here, what can I do
My heart is now broken and ripped in two.

The secrets I locked inside my mind
Is best kept tucked away hidden from the light of day.

If my secrets was revealed
I wouldn't have my best friend
Eric Pratt to enjoy  in his company anymore.

The truth about myself is smashed into millions of pieces stored in a box  labeled top secret,
So my tears and fears won't come true and ruin all the things that reeked havoc in my addicted lifestyle


No one can know ...
I now swallow my key
So I can't lose my friendship
And ruin my life from the mistaken
CRYS and immoral lies

I miss the way you loved me,
Will I ever know that love again?
I wasted my energy on drugs and gambling problems, when you waited for me.. I was to busy fulfilling my selfish to do list..
Now realizing  what I had .

Oh my god I wish I could erase the past..
Redo the damage done
Think through the things I didn't know. .  I thought  that it would never be a different kind of truth

Facing reality I realized I'm burnt.
No more unconditional love from my sweetheart Eric.

His tears were over he wasn't going to take this anymore. He decided I'm not the one .. he didn't want to hurt any more. .

I broke his heart and seemed not to care and when my heart decided to try and can't seem to fight the tears I now cry..

Month by month she was fading away,
Sometimes I saw who she really was.
She was a friend, a wife, and she was my mom.
Day by day it seemed to get worse but I sat with her and talked to her as much as I could.
Sometimes the memories come back of how it used to be, I remember her calling me a *****.
She told me she hated me, she said I ruined everything when really I was trying to fix things.
I loved my mom, even if she didn’t always love me.

A blank stare
A void reality
A broken promise
A shattered existence

A innocent child
A false hope
A crushed dream
A broken home

A ruined family
A depressed life
A hollow future

A missing parent
A guilt-ridden mind
A consequence
A numb heart

Shame on me
For having emotions
To express sadness
To have tears
Shame on me
For having fears
To escape the darkest hour
To hide my love from the hurt
Thoughts from my brain
Will splatter !