Pain like none other
darkness around every corner
heartache to make devils weep

I could never have imagined what I feel now
the agony of her loss is so strong
it drowns out everything else.
Hope is dead
and there is nothing to comfort me

I’ll never hear her voice
and worse

I’ll never escape the image of her laying there
surrounded by blankets
resting on a cardboard box

burning

The sound the furnace made

my sister sobbing

puking

her gray hair streak that wasn’t there when I saw her the first time

or maybe in my agony I missed it

the lack of scent

aren’t the dead supposed to smell?

her face.  not hers and hers all the same

in my mind is a building

white stone and stark in its beauty

stairs in the front leading up

a dim cool spartan room

carved from snow white rock is it granite? or marble?

in the center of the room is a dais

but before we get to that….

roses.  20,955 roses.  One for each day of her life

all of them red.  Red for passion and blood.

each bunch in a clear vase

now back to that dais….
a flat white dais raised to waist height.

on it, there she is as i last saw her.

shirt raised to cover her trach.  She’d appreciate that

hands loose

gray hair streak

and a white sheet draped from mid torso down, covering her legs.

dead….but not in my memory

Why did my mind want so badly for her to wake.

why can’t it all be not real

Why can’t I make it more than a week without a late night breakdown

Why can’t I make it more than a few hours without visiting that room

How do  I move on from an unspeakable loss

How do I continue?

worse is the realization that all humans die

and my daughter will one day hurt

as does my mother’s daughter now.

Grief is.......



Crying in the bathroom

I wish I could write things
To make young lovers sigh
I wish I could write things
To make old lovers cry
I wish I could write things
That spoke right to the heart
I wish I could write things
To tear a soul apart
I wish I could write things
To introduce pain
I wish I could write things
To show love's dark stain
I wish I could write things
To be read again and again
I wish I could write things
Steeped in passion's sin

Waking Here
Is Failure beyond Hope.

Loving You
Is Destroying my soul

Changing This
Is Pain personified.

suddenly I'm overwhelmed by a desire for shisha and hot tea and warm weather. A desire for the thirst caused by hours of kissing.  A desire for you.

How can I let myself think
Of you.  There is no
Possibility of togetherness
Every thought stings
Leaving me floating in
Excruciating memories of you
Saying you love me
Saying goodbye

Slowly fading drop by drop
Leeching out of my brain
Feelings of betrayal
Sluicing off like so much waste

"Who needs a death wish
When all I want is you?"
You don't even try
But you tear me
Apart.
My heart is shattered
My dreams are as dust
In my mouth;
All that I lived for before
Is no longer enough.
Why do I love you?
There are better decisions to make
And yet
You are all my in between thoughts
The beginning and end thought
Every day
I continue to suffer
A constant hope to see you again
Someday.
For now I'll pine after you
As if you are everything
Even though
The least of my concerns
Should be our next moment.

I used to breath music and poetry
Second-hand smoke and second-rate coffee
I roamed a giant chessboard
Towards a marble staircase in a dilapidated building
Secret moments under a magnolia tree
Earl gray tea in an orange mug
Pentacles in the snow
Hope, dreams, and ice
Friends

So many things unsaid
Mostly we stare at one another
In silence searching for
Love in each other's eyes
Enjoying thoughts that make us
Smile

Your voice
Your smile
Your touch

Perfect
like a sunrise
Like croissants and coffee
Like standing naked in a high rise window

Perfect
Like hot evening air
Tense but happy conversation
Your hand holding mine

Perfect
Like secret kisses
Like wine poured onto feet
Like lentil soup

Perfect
My favorite word
And the most painful word
Because it reminds me of you

All I have to do
Is stop loving you
All I need to do
Is start loving me
Why is it so hard?

Two days
Two nights
Trees, rocks, dirt
Woods
Two days in the woods
Alone with me
Alone with my thoughts
Serenity and peace
And still at every opportunity
My thoughts turn to you
Blue eyes, warm smile, rich voice
Kindness.
How did this happen?
At the end
Two days wasn't enough
To forget loving you
So I carved us into a tree.

Felt the vastness of the world?
Seen the way the sky yawns
Stars stretching into infinity?
Stood on a ship and watched the ocean
Lick your hull and the sun set?
Thought of how tiny a part
Your life plays on the planet?
Considered that happiness is fleeting
And pain is eternal?
Touched the dirt and felt the earth pulse?
Remembered something and smiled at the memory
While your heart ached with longing?

It came in the mail
Purple ink
Sweet handwriting
Innocuous?
It came from someone safe
Hate filled
Angry words
Lies?
It came on a Wednesday
Peace shattering
Panic creating
Tempest.

Wake, work, exercise, sleep
Wake, work, exercise, sleep
Wake, work, exercise, sleep
No time for love
No time for fun
No time for gazing into the future
and hoping
And no hope of recreating the magic we had

Heated passion of childish hopes
Ice cold recognition of adult realities
Tepid normalcy
How do I reach beyond adequacy and wake myself from this nightmare?

The last sunset
Nothing worked
Not my phone, the cabs, or the traffic.
So much traffic!!
When you opened your door
Your handsome face was a mask of worry.
In the cab you STILL insisted
THIS was a terrible idea
Yet...
You reached for my hand and held it
With hookah, conversation, and smiles
We welcomed Ramadan and love.

Betrayal
Seems so simple
Like something that can easily be discerned.
But it's not
Who is currently being betrayed?
Me?  In some ways I'm sure
Who is my betrayal slashing as I lie
Panting and gasping in these arms?

Slowly fading drop by drop
Leeching out of my brain
Feelings of betrayal
Sluicing off like so much waste

Clingy to a fault
I need so much
A lot of your work
Is undone
How do I repair
What comes down
With no resistance?
I need
A better foundation
Before i rebuild.

The second hand is dragging
I'm waiting
Waiting for you
It seems life is all about this
Waiting
Waiting for a moment
Waiting for the right time to act
Waiting for that chance
To be near you again

I dreamed I ate Cheerios last night
I dreamed them with real milk and no pain
I dreamed our hearts as one, lives entwined
I dreamed us happy and content lives
I dreamed of good things and painful things
I dreamed until fear woke me because
I dreamed I heard dreadful words: She's dead.

Ding!  All my hopes are pinned to that sound.
Ding!  He's safe.  He's free.  He's got time.
Ding!  The 2nd best sound the world offers.
The first being his rich voice laced with love.
Ding!  The sound that lightens my heart and yet
Ding!  Sounds incremental increases of my duty's burden.
Ding!  Happiness and heartbreak in one bell
Melancholy to slay kings; and yet, I still long for-
Ding!

1 bottle of tequila
1 drunken conversation
13 more minutes
1 day later for me
A difference between morning and evening for you
Change
Distance
Pain
Now, now you pull away
Not then
3 words to doom?
No!  3 words to salvation!
And 1;
1 bottle of tequila
1 drunken conversation.
Oblivion.

Heart on a sleeve
That's always me
I need to tell you something
But I can't.

Can you see it flowing
down the
                       drain?
Can you tell what's going
through my
                       brain?
Why do you try
to keep
                       me?
I don't know why
you can't
                        see.
I'm running from you
like a
                       plague.
I guess my hinting
is too
                       vague.

Pain I think
has no equal
will be as small
as the bee sting
that hurt
when I was little
Ouch.  It hurts.

Reassuring buzz
comfortable smell
frustration sliced through
like so many blades of grass
my grass
my field
my lawnmower
Peace from a setting sun

Will you stop?
Will you not?
kiss me--
no! hold me...
God, that this moment could continue;
WAIT!
it's over, I forgot
Those feelings are solely an imprint
of things remembered...