I hurt her
I think i did
The girl who
I would light
The world
On fire for
I can't stop
Thinking about her
I don't even
Really want to
She's so...
Wonderful
Funny
Clever
Emotional
Imperfect
But perfect
In a weird way
I hope she stays true
If she can't bare
Another minute
With me then
Someone else
May end up
Picking up my
Scattered pieces
I can't stop
Thinking about her

It's a weird and confusing thing isn't it?
We all want to be loved,
But the timing has to be right
We want to be in love
But we can't control it once it happens
We cherish the idea of emotions
But too emotional is unattractive
We have the technology for X-rays
But few people see through the exterior
We want attention
But when we get it, we freeze
We want people to care about us
But when they do, we get scared
We close ourselves off
We want people to fight for us,
But we rarely fight for people
It's a weird and confusing thing isn't it?

There’s only one way
I can keep from ******* up
Ever again.

The slow dive
Below the surface of the night
An undertone
The moonlight
A flaming ember reignites
And blows out cold
I'm barely holding on
You were the only one
You were the only one

You know when you find someone
Who is the most perfect person
For you

And you know this is true
Immediately, know what they mean
To you

They have all of the qualities you need
In a person, you want them forever
With you

Sometimes I
Go to Neptune
To sing a little song
Or hum a little tune
I don't know why i go there but i do
And I went to Mars
The other day
Wasn't much there
I have to say
But i was sure a long way away from you
If you want to check my movements,
Look into space
And there you'll see
That the outerspace mover is me

It's like
Not being able
To see a painter
Or his painting
But peering
Into his mind
And seeing
Exactly
What he wants
To portray

Your yellow hair is like
The sunlight
However sweet it shines
Bit by the cold of December
I’m warm beside your smile
Oh lady, tell me I’m not leavin’
You’re everything I dream
I’m killin’ myself thinkin’
I’ve fallen like the leaves

Rain rain
Go away
Like *******
*******
Dude seriously
Come on
This **** *****

Keeping quiet
I never return
Eternity
… later
You surface
Forgotten names
It’s Jenna
Until next time
Pay no mind
Stay distracted
Every day
Then, again
Random day
Old faces
Best news
Hope again
Missed chance
But hope still

Time passes
Harder to stand
Just begging
Need some help
…
He’s got me
I see her
Stop and talk
Got a number
Small world
Go on smiling
Wait a bit
…
There it is
It’s Jenna
How was your day
Smoking, join?
My mistake

Chaos outside
You hear this?
Remember,
That’s the name
…
Asking again
And then,
Borrow my car?
I’ll take you
Weird excuses
Take a nap
And…
… nothing
For too long
I keep trying
Still nice
Still patient
But nothing

Last try
One question
What’s the question?
There she is
This…
… is Jenna
I’m a loser
Hate this
Poor medium
But fine
I don’t know you
You don’t know me
Borrow my car?
Why?
Next question
What did I do?
What happened?
Then nothing.
…

If I don't know what to do
And I don't know where to go
How can I trust
That which I do know?

Hander of loss
Candid response
Tethered things
And range, arranged
Plural bodies,
Vaguely, qualities
Read a page
Skip a page
Read one more
Never yore
Two explore
Colors and contour
Lone in home
As in Rome

I've been smiling
The entire time
I've been trying
To be happy
Then i remember
That you can't see me
I stop smiling
I sit down
Hold my head in my hands
I disintegrate
My soul dissipates
An ocean of madness
Becomes a river of sadness
Becomes my stream of consciousness
Spiraling down,
I see rock bottom
So familiar
I'm hoping i don't end up there again
But i know
I was lucky
Just to feel that way
For as long as i did

If I'm a dog, I'm a dog
A cat would be better
She likes those more
But it is not terrible
I like my position
Of course I am,
A dog, that is
Because I pant and I whine
And wait patiently at the door
Waiting for you to come back
So eager for you to pet me
Rub my belly
Show me your love
For the little while
That you care to show it
Because you're distracted
By things more important
I get that
I'm just a dog
And there are people
And cats and responsibilities
You need to attend to
I don't fault you
You are my owner
I love you unconditionally
I'll die for you
But just for right now
I want your attention
Even if its a fraction of it
I just want you to keep petting me
And stroking my ears
While you do the other things
So I'll keep forcing my snout
Between your leg and your hand
In hopes that you won't find it annoying
But just mindlessly pet me
Because you're the sweetest
Most gracious girl
A domesticated man could ask for
But your attention is elsewhere
And I need you right here

I'm repulsive, aren't i?
My sullen stature
My barren body
I find myself to be so
They all hate me
All of the people
Even She hates me now
I can feel it in her words
Hear it in her voice
See it in her signs
I do everything i can
But what can i do
Really, i'm just me
I'm nice and loving
It seems to be too much
But i can't stop
Because i love them
And i love her
And i'll die
Before i let them go

It's this constant fear I have
That I've been doing something wrong
Since the very start
Over and over again
Not realizing it at all
I mean what can you do?
If that is the case...
Because I was happy once
In fact I was happy recently
Very very shortly
But that was taken from me
And it actually wasn't me
Not my fault at all
Until it was my fault
And then I took the blame
Now I stay quiet
With my head in my hands
Full of love and shame

The strongest words
Are the ones I want to use
The most
The strongest phrases
Like "I love you"
When that's not necessarily
What I really feel
Or when I say
"I hate this/that"
What does that even mean?
Really.
Do we ever stop and think
About what we're saying?
Nah,
We just go straight to the top shelf
The strongest words and phrases
"I love (insert name)"
"I hate this situation"
I might not love that person
I might not hate the situation
But when my awareness
Is at its highest
I can assess this objectively
Then i can find the truth
I do love her
I do, truly, hate this situation
But I can make it through
Waiting for a sign...

I’ve counted in my head
The times I’ve looked ahead
But looking toward the future
Is all about the past
Not what was first
But always what was last
A heavy burden planning
Never a thing to say
The crystal vision made
Fades, slowly blurred gray
What is done is thought
As to be good or not
The pressure has amassed
But only the bad has stayed
How many times I’ve done wrong
How many times I’ve doubted
How many times I could, and should
And how many times I’d never

Looking ahead is always a task
Never look first, then to ask
Pass the past, cast the last
Nothing changes about time that’s passed

Often I forget
Why I loved her
Why I continue to long for her
In a way,
I just do it blindly
It takes a peaceful evening
But I remember the times
The memories make me happy
And then I remember her
Who she was back then
She made mistakes
She did things I didn't like
She was her own person
And I loved her for that
But she wanted to be my person
And I loved her for that
But I urged her to be herself
And now she is
She is herself, with someone else
I think of the first time she kissed me
She was herself
And she was the woman I still love
The one I will always love
And it feels good
And it hurts, at the same time
To remember why i loved her
Because I also remember why
I continue to love her

I feel like Bob in the Rain
There is no Lizard of Hope
I'm gone
From my body at least
I appear here now
But my body has no mind
No moral compass
It operates without me
My mind is in this writing
It's in the unconscious decisions
"I hate it when I know and I don't know.
Same time"
It all was a game
It isn't as if I was ever unaware
I always knew
The magnitude is different
Every time, I give up on humanity
And every time, I somehow find hope
This time certainly seems different
It's the end of something.

Staring all night
At the low hanging moon
Blind in the light
Despair so soon
Had the passion
But lost it then
Doling out the rations
Losing it all again
Pragmatic Pillow talk
At infinite distance
Reading in the chalk
A teacher's assistants
Quiet frustrations
Figuring out as we go
Certain illustrations
See you at work as you sew
Mouth is still
The fingers move
Words are my will
Anger shown to prove

Mistakes are made
Every single day
Those feelings fade
Where the needle lay

Always felt
Constant
Loneliness

Reality set
Now I know
What lonely is

You know, you can't feel new
If your circumstances don't reflect you
It's just what you were that you feel
And what you are isn't real
Your time is wasted in nights
When you think your work is your rights
The innocence is lost throughout the day
But the person hasn't changed in any way
Being given the orders isn't being grown
Maturity is with the knowledge that's known

Someday it will all end
When your bloom is late
So give caution to the wind
Then worry about fate

Somewhere, there is,
In a cloudy place,
A person, perhaps
With either ***,
Who might do all
And everything
For my sake
For my happiness
Who will give up
On other dreams
Other desires
Who would exist
Solely for me
And what was ours
One who carries
All of the burdens
That fell from my arms
I dreamt of that person
In a sleepless night
I know not where
Or who this person is
But wherever that one lies,
I am here, confounded
By life and love,
Completely oblivious

Where are you Isabela?
What happened?
I thought we were done with this
You no longer love me
But still you make me miss you
I question if I deserve it
I wonder if you’ll resurface
I quiver at the opposing thought

We’re older now
There’s no need for this
Sure, I love you still
But it’s not the same
And I know the rules
So what else could it be…
Where are you Isabela?
Why must you still make me sad?

Do you remember me?
You asked me about my dream
Things are not what they seem
What did it mean?
Can I be friendly to you
Something I couldn’t do

Can’t stop thinking about you
There’s something about you

Your smile would get me through
Just let me stand next to you
Cuddling up to me
A feeling I couldn’t beat
Why are you in my mind?
Why can’t I unwind?

Can’t stop thinking about you
There’s just something about you

I just miss it all
Bang my head against the wall
I just miss it all
Stumbling through the halls
I just miss it all
Rachel…

I can’t sleep
Memories repeat
Feel so very weak
Memories repeat
Memories repeat
Memories…

Can’t stop thinking about you
Can’t make it without you

There’s something about you,
There’s just something about you

It was such a dumb thing
In a stressful time
I knew who I loved
And it was not her
Not the one I kept secret
I only ever really loved one
She asked me if I'd tell her
And I straight up lied
Because I knew
I would never tell her
Not until she already knew
Because how could I?
I'm not shameless
I'm not fearless
I'm helpless
I'm relentless
I'm brainless
Because had I not
Made that mistake
I could still be looking ahead
At the little children
Little ones that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the wedding
The Marriage that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the happy life
The life with her that I'll never have

Talk to me
Come see me
Touch me
And flirt with me
Tell me no
But show me yes
Tell me never
But show me forever
Give me feelings
Revive me
Tell me tomorrow
Or friday
Maybe we'll stitch it up
Sometime soon someday
But i'll take what i can get
Because i just want
To spend the rest of my life
With you in some way

I'm down on myself
I've been thrown on the shelf
I don't wish i were dead
But never born instead
Oh you wanna be friends
Well i think that depends
I can tell you what i think
Until the cinderblocks sink
I'll help you with things
Like the madness love brings
I'll say you look good
True meaning understood
I can listen to your life
Oh, you live with great strife
I can give you advice
Without any price
I'll watch you marry
With the burden i carry
You can look toward me
With the loyalty that was free
Make my weekends and nights
With no fits, feuds, or fights
I can **** and lie for you
Until the day i die for you
Or
And this is just a shot in the dark
With the bullet as a spark
I can call you mine
Until the end of time
We'll descend into love as we must
And we can just see where that takes us

A cause for caution
The distance in the middle
When the hands aren't touching
And i can't return the call
There was a storm tonight
And my heart isn't calm
Now yours isn't either
I know that's the problem
But it's all better now
Or it can be, it could be
That is, if you still want me
Because i know i'm of no help to you

The Razorblade
That's what I call love
I bet you'd pick it up
And mess around with it
If I put it down
It gets extremely complicated
Anything to forget everything

Got to take me out
At least once a week
Whether I'm in your arms
Or I'm at your feet
I know exactly what you're thinking
You won't say it now,
But in your heart it's loud

Oh no, my feelings are more important than yours
Drop dead, I don't care, I won't worry

Oh the Razorblade
Wish it would snap this rope
World is in your hand
Or it's at your throat
At times it's not that complicated
Anything to forget everything

He would never talk
But he was not shy
She was a street smart girl
But she cannot lie
They were perfect for each other
Say it now, 'cause in your heart it's love

Oh no, my feelings are more important than yours
Drop dead, I don't care, I won't worry

Sweet one,
Your feelings are more important
Of course
OF COURSE

I'd like not
To live the repetition
To decrease the aging
To slow the motion
Of this war that's waging
I ought not
To force the action
To make myself a fool
To descend to utter sadness
In the endless tears that pool
I fear not
To die or live again
To start all the way over
To make amends to actions passed
Because of how much i love her

They're the moon and the stars
Stars, stars
The moon and the stars
Stars, stars
The moon is yellow
And the sky is red
But their love never ends
As they stare at the sky
At the moon and the stars
Stars, stars

You smile
You wonder
As we love
We sunder
The bellows
Of thunder
Bring us
Back under

A gust
Of wind
The child
Of kin
Pulled apart
Again
I'm the worst
Of men

We sing
We kiss
Our lives
Are bliss
It's you
I miss
I'm glad
Of this

The end
You see
I see
Or we
Is you
With me
We hope
It will be

You start our "baff"
We sustain our laugh
You have your hot tea
But you have to ***

A change has passed
Like a wave over me
My sadness has subsided
For the time being
I possess no anger
For past mistakes
No shame, only confidence
Look to the future
For every time to come
But it will end
It always does
I need to find a way
To end this cycle
Because i could be happy
On a good path this time

It fills the ocean
As it fills my eyes
I care more for you
Than my own demise
If i can't hold back
Then what can i do?
I can't go that far
I can't say that to you
For fear that you'll
Turn your scarred back
On me, i'm a fool
I'm a fool
I'm a fool

Hate it when I know
And I don't know
Same time

I am what I said
I meant what I said
But I don't know
What I just said

Hate it when I know
And I don't know
Same time

I’m strapped in
On a slowly sinking ship
A new pilot with an iron boot
Will soon make her way
But the hope quickly fades
When I’m told to throw buckets
Overboard of water in the sand
And I know I could right this ship
If only anyone was listening...

Fear is a potion
Its fire is potent
Like unrequitted love
It is its own mercy
It has you by the throat
And it squeezes
Until your eyes pop out
And your life is gone
Fear is your faction
It is debilitating
You'll need help
But you've got none
And too, you're only one
Good luck
You look fear in the eye
And give it nothing.

Listen to me:

The more you see
The less I’m me
The worse you think
The further you sink
You’re captured inside
Your needing to hide
Don’t slip through your skin
To the depression within

If you can trust what you know
We can both fight this foe
And if you do know me
Then happier, we’ll be
But now, you must be brave
And not fear what I gave
You must listen once more:
Something wonderful is in store

This is the start
And you are the first
We are just kids
But soon i'll be cursed
Playing and laughing
I love you so much
My heart is so tender
So soft to the touch
But you will move on
To bigger and better things
A fallen angel,
You lose your wings
Moving on now
The next one is new
I feel myself levitating
When i'm looking at you
Your beautiful brown eyes
And the hair so red
But before it has started
Our future is dead
I'm still not over it
But you will not be the last
No, the next one still stings
You come and go so fast
I love you most of all
Falling in love with you
Is literally my downfall
I could write books about you
Thousands, millions of them
You will darken my world
And make my life dim
But next is a short one
I need more from this
I care for you deeply, but
You leave my heart in the abyss
The last is least
That is, how much i care
You are perfect, i am lost
You are blissfully unaware
From The First, to VLG
And The Bell, to The Cat
To The Beauty, they go
I love them, and they hate that

But here i am now
Waiting for one more spark
Moving my hands, crying,
Making shadows in the dark

You killed me
With your words
Your unspoken truth
I'm a memory
Because you ruined me
My mind got ****** up
Now i can't live without you
So if i can't live with you
This is the result
Broken
Shattered
Gone

(And blood fills the room
Dripping from his eyes
He heard her last words
"I just don't want to be with you"
And his heart couldn't take it
It ****** all the blood up
Every drop in his body
And held it in
And waited patiently
And burst like a water balloon
Now all the other people
Have to clean up this mess
And they'll give her daggers
And his spirit will live on
Regretting every decision he ever made
Wishing he was better
A fraction of what she wanted
A better person
Or better yet
A woman)

How did I get trapped in this **** life?
Every day is a new version of yesterday
I now vaguely value things I previously never appreciated
Only to keep my interest in this world
I'm in love with the simplest things
I applaud myself with laughter
And on the inside, I yearn for the end
The irony is that I do the same on the outside as well
And nobody knows that I'm not joking

When you shout
It hurts my ears
I close my eyes
And gritt my teeth
Not for the volume
I’ll handle that
But for the tone,
The aggression underneath

Please be calm
I’m a fragile heart
Your sound waves ripple
And rip me apart

Look at her lips
And at her sighs
And see signs of life

Look at her shoulders
And her hair in the light
And see something right

Look at her feet
And her movements
And everything is proven

But look in her eyes
When you tell the truth
And you'll be caught in endless blues

But you knew i killed myself
And you didn't help me
Instead you came to the next place
Where i went after death
And you acted like you helped me
Like nothing ever happened
And i told you it was weird
That you left before i died
Yet you deny every bit of it
And you changed somewhat
From your looks to your person
And you're distracted by something
Like the time or the signs of winter
If it was space you needed,
You never once told me that

But you act like you loved me
And you act like you cared
But in the end,
When you don't pretend
I can see that you're really just scared

I began to lose control
There was a tension
Growing ever stronger
My pillow flattened
And the covers withdrew
The heat froze to a chill
And i remembered
That i hurt you
I was so confused before
But then, in that moment
I remembered perfectly
It was bliss, my life
And then it was pain
Just like that, pain
And i cried the night
Into a silent dawn
Until the wind was hot
The covers came back
The pillow fluffed
And in an instant,
Altogether, i forgot again
I forgot that i hurt you
And i forgot why you left

If I scratched myself on the way down
If it bled throughout the night
If it kept me awake for weeks
Would it matter to those I want most?
If all of my hard work
Is now for nothing
And if I made the wrong decisions
Will my tears fill the gaps?
If every moment, I yearn for one
And every moment, silence echoes
If that makes me say things I'll soon regret
Is it my fate I feel changing?


It's the spirits I talk to
In the night
We're both crazy
But you were right
The world around us
Clings too tight
It's just the two of us
But we must fight

Darling, angel, lovely girl,
Let us not fight each other
We must fight those
Who dare to tear us apart

The world will deceive
And people will lie
It's you and I who are constant
When they will all die

A bishop
A pawn
The Silver Saturn is there
Then it's gone

It arrives elegantly
Carries a mess inside
I get in, and we go
Fast as lightning
The Silver Saturn
Will leave
And return again
A hundred times or more
Every time bringing that mess
Expectations galore
It never disappoints,
But never meets
Tiny and dark
It carries a golden beauty
And i never know what to do
When i am inside
The Silver Saturn
It leaves me in despair
And arrives with more
The never-ending cycle
It's what i want, i'm sure
What i need is her
What i'd love is a pattern
Give me that Silver Saturn

I'm awake
Eyes staring at the ceiling
Days of sleep
After escaping death
Yet i can't escape her
She blankets every thought
Every time i try
To think of other things
Important things
My future
Doesn't seem to take precedence
At all
My family, my own happiness
Not a chance
But her, and my love for her
That shrouds my mind
It will forever
All i have are
Simple borrowed words

Don't be fooled
I am not complaining
I only wish it was not accompanied
By sadness

Someday, I’ll drown
In my memories.