I'm slowly disintegrating
I'd love to say I feel nothing
But that would be a lie
I feel everything all the time
It really ***** ***
When will it be over?

No period of six days
Has ever felt so long
As this one seems to
I've never felt so wrong
Feel like I'm in a maze
With an hour long ****** song
Stuck in my head all day
For some reason I'm singing along
Going backwards in a daze

I'm so in love with you
That I act like you
When I am alone
Because I can't stand
To be without you

She rubs her eyes
Like a child would
"I'm a sleepy girl"
"Hm, I know you are"
"But I don't wanna go to sleep!"
She pouts, then she smiles
And then she sleeps
Precious as the day I first saw her.

Oh death...
Why so sluggish?
If its going to be like this
Then i'm ready for you to take me
100 percent
So let's go

I’ll smile
All the while
Through the teeth
Of a crocodile

So it begins
And so it ends
The secrets of the day
It all depends
Careful morning
Hectic dawn
Measuring ingredients
Tastefully drawn
Fitting shoes
Making do
What we use
Getting through
Just preparation
Never early
Lucid planning
Going surely
Talking of days
Long before
Talking of days
When we won’t be poor
Sitting, singing
Awkward distance
Mindless thinking
Mindful assistance
Arbitrary sadness
Arbitrary stress
Arbitrary madness
Arbitrary mess
Exchanging a look
Long overdue
Labeling the tag
From me to you

The secrets of the day
It all depends
So it begins
And so it ends

This morning I received
air mail letter three
from my connection overseas.
I pulled the paper back,
you begin your attack and it reads:

Of all the places I laid down my head,
I think of two I regret
Love isn’t easy my baby
Is sayin' today

But tell Mr. shoemaker I’ll be away
On a rocket or a comet
or the dock of the bay
On a continental steam ship
sailin' away
On a one way ticket
on a 1st class airplane
I wanna know
what you’re thinkin' about
Don’t just let me go

Four hundred days have passed since I’ve heard from you last
I’m getting worried, I admit
Maybe it’s nothing much
There’s nicer shores in sight
Oh I just don’t know

Of all the places I laid down my head
I think of two I regret
Love isn’t easy my baby
will tell you today
But tell Mr. shoemaker I’ll be away
On a rocket or a comet
or the dock of the bay
On a continental steam ship
sailin' away
On a one way ticket
on a 1st class airplane
I wanna know
what you’re thinkin' about
Don’t just let me go

I’m sayin' so long
I want my baby back
I know it’s hard to see
Why she’s in love with me
I’m sayin' so long
I want my baby back
I know it’s hard to see
Why she’s in love with me
So long to the headstrong
I wasn’t qualified
to lead that city life
That’s all I have to say

Some coincidences
Are crazy
The numbers
The meanings
At 6:38, she wrote,
Use the numbers
Multiply them
You get 228
Significance?
Evident, her day
Coincidence?
Possibly, but really
I could never know
But she loves numbers
She'd appreciate that
I know it

Someday,
In a way, I’ll have never been alone
And someday,
I’ll listen to the voice
That has called my name for years

Someday when i'm younger
I'll have more time to say
Things i always wanted to
And i'll attack the flaws
That were so hard to find
It seems i'm forever Old

But someday when i'm younger
I'll tell women in my life
That i don't have time for them
I'll tell them to grow up
I'll have a future but
No growing up to do, my own

And someday when i'm younger
There won't be things
I have no clue about
I'll be in love with someone
And i'll have high self esteem
Happiness won't be so far away

Yeah, someday when i'm younger
I'll think about the things
I did when i had the chance
Rather than think about
What i didn't do when i had the chance
I'll be brave, and people will like me...

Someday...

And at the end of life
She will have said my name
But I would never know
What it’s like to feel love
From someone that perfect

After all is said and done I feel the same
All that I hoped would change within me stayed
Like a huddled moon-lit exile on the shore
Warming his hands, a thousand years ago

I walk with others in me yearning to get out
Claw at my skin and gnash their teeth and shout
One of them wants only to be someone you'd admire
One would as soon just throw you on the fire

After all is said and after all is done
God only knows which of them I'll become

No one exists around me,
There are no friends to make
With the devastation that surrounds me
There is no advice to take
If I have fortune
I’ll die of alcohol consumption
The ones who are immune
Will make their own assumption

Grasping at straws
To obey the laws
You set out for me
I can’t help it
I feel like ****
I’m just so lonely
And when I try to communicate
I’m the only one who participates
You tell the truth, but I can’t see

Left out for another
Blowing the cover
Agree to disagree
I know I’m not wrong
But I’ll try to play along
Because you showed mercy
But in the midst of the longest night
When I beg your right ear for my plight
You want me to be something I can’t be

Almost two weeks later
And I don’t know where I am
I know not who controls me
But every minute,
Of every day
In every situation,
I always wish I were somewhere else

I know nothing more than you...

Today was just a day
And you dealt with it okay
But tomorrow is a boy who needs to run

You've seen it all before
You've knocked on all the doors
But tomorrow is a funny looking one

Everything is about to change
But I say bring it closer to me

Oh it's coming soon
But like the spinning of the moon
In truth, it is already happening

Think back to the start
When we sang with bolder hearts
And the darkness wasn't even bothering

Oh everything is about to change
But I say bring it closer to me

Bring the storm and the blows
And everything it knows
And I say bring it closer to me

Soon
Soon

Hope it was a bird
That flew til it was heard
And landed in a corner of a mind

I'll get what I'll get
And we ain't seen nothing yet
And no one has ever glanced the other side

Oh everything is about to change
But I say bring it closer to me

Bring the time and the space
And the lost, forgotten place
And I say bring it closer to me

Today was just a day
And you dealt with it okay
But tomorrow is a boy who needs to run

Oh everything is about to change
But I say bring it closer to me

Making a claim
To love the same
Revived throughout
With speckled doubt

A father
His suicide
A drugged up mom
Depression
A miscarriage
A ****** life's bomb
Bipolar
Pessimism
Being just a pawn
PTSD
Insomnia
How do you go on?

All i know
Is that i'm in limbo
And no matter how close
I get to an angel or demon
I'm never in heaven or hell
Just still in limbo

Pain is presence
Presence is pain
Pain presents itself
Presenting, itself, is pain
When you ache and groan,
I notice it
It chills me to the bone
Nowhere to sit
When you call out for help
I'm fully aware
You're the puddle when you melt
You wonder if you can relate to grass
As you feel people stepping on you
You feel them on your ***
To say something is taboo
You don't deserve that, you know
You've done nothing wrong
Inherently, although
The feeling is lifelong
I can never truly understand
What it's like to be you, and
You stick to solid ground,
But you're sinking in the sand
Being a woman is hard, man.

Sometimes...
I want to **** myself
I want to discard my body
Make the world like i was never here
This would hurt people
But only for a little while
They'd move on
Because people do that
And the world
And all the people
Would be way better
Because i'm not there
Then people tell me that its selfish
To think such a thing
And so i feel selfish
I feel terrible
Because of that i think
Sometimes...
I want to **** myself
I want to discard my body
...

When once was vague
And we did not play
We hugged and kissed
Every day i was missed
We wanted to be together
And closer than a bird and its feathers
We looked into each others eyes
Very closely, our love never dies
Until one day in the winter
I was just a splinter
You kiss me and swear words
And my voice cannot be heard

And it still can't be
And you still won't love me

Someday
I'll have sweet release
But my pleasure will come from sparing them
Because she won't have to worry about me
Nor will the rest of them
And they'll all live happily ever after
Without me
I'll no longer annoy the **** out of them
Someday

Worthless
A shame
A mistake
An accident
A name
*******
*******
*******
Lame
A burden
I am
And I won't change
I never should have been
I shouldn't ever be

Tired, and weary
Afraid for death
Lights in the window
Kindred like us
In the waking night
Nothing like shadows
Gone in the wind

Stolen lives
Pillaging souls
Inside and out
Ruining a memory
In a lonely morning
To a faulty whisper
Singing a tune

Ten, and two
Me and you
Two, and two
All I think about is you
Ten, and two
This feeling's not new
Two, and two
I'm rubber, you're glue
Ten, and two
Like a recurring flu
Two, and two
What can i do
Ten, and two
We went to the zoo
Two, and two
Watched Younghoe Koo
Ten, and two
The Morning dew
Two, and two
Clearer now to you
Ten, and two
Now you're a jew
Two, and two
And unrelatedly, i'm blue

If the sun refused to shine,
I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea,
There will still be you and me.
Kind woman, I give you my all,
Kind woman, nothing more
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain,
Tears of loves lost in the days gone by
My love is strong,
With you there is no wrong,
Together we shall go until we die
An inspiration is what you are to me
And so today, my world it smiles,
Your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done,
For you to me are the only one
Happiness, no more be sad,
Happiness, I'm glad
If the sun refused to shine,
I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea,
There will still be you and me

That scream continues to haunt me
It brings me to my knees
The tears, the broken heart, the shout
"Go...please! Just please...get out!"

Why am i so attracted to brokenness?
Like a magnet to little shreds of iron
Picking up all the pieces, naturally
Is it a flaw, or is that my purpose?
Am i meant to, as Jimi Hendrix once said,
"Pick up the all pieces, and make an island?"
Or am i some sick, demented man
Driven by lust to love what others won't?
Maybe i'm wrong, i'm not bad
I actually admire the people
Who are broken, and still come back
To form some new, strong human being
My heroes are the broken ones
Sticking to life with their own adhesive

You should be careful
When you juggle knives
There are people you love
And you could end those lives

You think that it's simple
Or its all just a game
If it's alright with you
We are not all the same

It's just not fair
And it seems that way
But it all comes together
At the end of the day

And we'll be with each other
If you let that be, here
There's nothing more
That you need to fear

I'll be here, and there
I'll be your bleeding star
In the darkest night
Sit here with me in your car

Forever please

The day will come
All the lives are gone
You came to me
A knife between your legs
When you scream
The earth shakes of fear
I don’t know what you said
But something’s horribly wrong
The knife behind your back
Tells me nothing to say
You fell, you died
I screamed, and cried
And carried you away
There we lied
Finally awake

And there are waking moments
But I prefer those less
Whenever I tell her truths
Cross my fingers and confess
She shakes her head and
I can see her struggle
Feelings and emotions
And her trust to juggle
Then there are sleeping moments
And I prefer those more
When I imagine her only
And my heart is not sore
I talk to her and laugh with her
Love her, make love with her
So far away from everything
That made her will wither
But again there are waking moments
And I have to make a decision
Wait and try and dream,
Give up and make an incision,
Leave and agonize in misery,
Or create a new fire
With so much time,
It feels as if the present is dire

I want the future
To find me now
But what do I want?
Hello or meow?

When i whisper
Something sweet to you
Will you always laugh
And smile that cute grin,
Looking at me
As if it's the sweetest thing
Anyone has ever said to you?
You know what you mean
To me, to my life
You storm through my heart
Tearing down everything
That once inhabited there
And though i couldn't be happier,
I get the sensation
I'm not your last strike
The lightning and the wind
It won't last forever
I'm just another shadow on the wall
As we look
Through the foggy window
We see what we want to,
Neglect what really lies ahead
Peering through the mists of time

Put my eyes
Where I can see
Where the soul
Used to be
I feel the walls
Closing in on me

Shut my mouth
I take it back
It’s no way
For us to act
I missed the boat
But somehow sailed away

But that’s okay
I’ll have a talk
With this divebar
On a long walk
Along the shortest pier
And watch it disappear

There’s a hole
In my mind
Where the sun
Used to shine
Memories
In black and white

Cut me off
I’ve had enough
Infect the wound
And sew me up
No more words
...

But that’s okay
I’ll have a talk
With this divebar
On a long walk
Along the shortest pier
And watch it disappear

I have to wonder
How fast the soul could travel
To get away from here
Far away from this life
That I have ruined
Oh,
The life I have misplayed
And the feelings never decayed

"So the mind won't lie
And the arm won't set
And the bright red eye
Isn't off you yet
So the words won't come
And the hand won't touch
And a midnight sun
Doesn't look like much
As an Iris contracts
Facing the day
I can tell you've cracked
Like a china plate"

Family, in pieces
Set in motion
The future, in splices
Many of us dissipate
The rest of us remain
Throw forward
The throes of time

This idea of trust
Is one that is learned
Not inherent in us
And never learned soon
It is only learned
After slow, grueling pain
Suffering at the hands
Of the one you'd die for
No one understands trust
They trust blindly
Until they are led into hell
Then the moment of truth
Do you trust again?
Can you learn from this?
Most do, i think
Some don't, and
They are guided once again
But this time they can hear
The crackles of fire
The screams of death
And they are burned again
So they learn
And the next time they are led
Anywhere,
They look around
But everything looks dangerous
It all looks like pain
And they know
Then and there
That they will never
Be able to trust again
How incredibly sad

And no wonder
I couldn't see it before
I just didn't realize
How much she loved me
If i lived again
From before when i broke
I like to think i could avoid
Making the same mistakes
But something i've been learning
Is that we'll always make those decisions
No matter how many do-overs we get
It's what keeps us from improving the past

There's always been a passion
A feeling, a need to love
Killing, evil sensation
We drown in from above
He looks ahead, she stares back
A portrait as blue as the skies
He can't look away, he's taken aback
By just the sight of her eyes
He knows, he knows
He's got no chance
She goes, she goes
Without a glance
There is no way of expression
For this solo threatening depression
A 7, a 6, a 4 or a 5?
Is there any point to being alive?
8 and 9 and 10 or more
Those are the ones that i live for
I really wish i was dead

It's a split decision
Of a loss in time
It's not quite so
But still it's mine
It takes an hour or so
To get in the swing
We get the food
But i'm not eating
The people are nice
It's really very fun
But the dog barks
Because he's scared of the sun
All in all
It was three days in Texas
Peaceful and fun
But responsibility begs us
We return now
To Murfreesboro
To an anti-abortion rally
And my love for it is now narrow

Timothy can't find his happiness
It's abandoned him it seems
Though he does not know it now
He sees it in his dreams
It escapes his grasp, it runs away
In every single scene
It may be confusing him
But he knows just what it means
And it really gets to him
It hurts him to the core
If it goes like this much longer
He can't fight it anymore
He shudders every minute
With every step he takes
He does not know why
He hears his heart break
He's given it some thought
And taken all his time
He just might have to do it
Have a bit of wine
It will crush who he is
Who he wanted always to be
But he doesn't have a choice
He knows it is the key
Then hopefully he'll get the girl
The one who likes to sing
When he hears her pretty song
He'll imagine her with wings
If it works, he can be happy
All smiles and laughter
With her he can live on
Happily ever after

What is it like?
I have no recollection
Ever of being wanted
No love has come my way
My vision is a collage of mirage.

Cried out, to me alone
What's in you? Throw me a bone
Oh life, what did you know?
How do I ever decide?

Careful love, blow it away
Let's go there, what do you say?
Oh life, why did I wait
How do I get to the sky?

Called out, to me alone
What made you? Maybe you know
Oh life, let it all go
How do I get to the sky?

Why should I
Wait for tomorrow?

It's me
At sea
I really am useless

And she
Agrees
I'm not very good

The fee
To be
Totally misunderstood

To be free
Is a plea
To be far far away

I'm just me
You see
And i really am useless

What do I deserve?
Death?
Well obviously
Suicide?
Certainly that
Torturing myself
In unimaginable ways
Until I die of just too much pain?
More than that really
I deserve to lose the woman
That I love most in the world
That's the worst thing
That can happen to me
I deserve it
But i'd rather have to do
The other things

Cried out
To you alone
What's in you?
Throw me a bone
Oh life
What did you know?
How do we ever decide?

Careful love
Blow it away
Let's go there
What do you say?
Oh life
Why do you wait?
How do we get to the sky?

Called out
To you alone
What made you?
Maybe you know
Oh life
Let it all go
How do we get to the sky?

Depression and sadness
Alone on the road
Get to the intersection
Approach a crossing
There I see the fire
Like hell on wheels
Like my life in the world
Full of danger and pain
Turn left,
Away from the fire
Going down another road
Full of hope and happiness
With the flames in the mirror
On my way to new things
Leave the fire behind
With all my fears
Until it disappears

Two of us riding nowhere
Spending someone's
Hard earned pay
Two of us Sunday driving
Not arriving
On our way back home
We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home
Two of us sending postcards
Writing letters
On my wall
You and me burning matches
Lifting latches
On our way back home
We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home
You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead
Two of us wearing raincoats
Standing so low
In the sun
You and me chasing paper
Getting nowhere
On our way back home
We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home