Wish 1: I wish I looked perfect in society's eyes.

(I mean, I look fine but the pressure I feel every step I take anywhere makes me feel like ****!)

Wish 2: I wish I could stop worrying.

(Worrying doesn't help and at this point I'm worrying about worrying!)

Wish 3: I wish I wasn't me.

(This doesn't need any explanation.)

1 word can change everything
2 wrongs don't make a right, it doesn't make anything right
3 words can change a relationship "I love you"
4 people can change the world
5 truths can make a DIFFERENCE

Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!

today i wanted to be perfect yesterday i wanted to be perfect i always want to be perfect but if i was perfect what would god be.

Me: Hey mom! Do you remember that style of shoe I wore for years?

Mom: No honey, that was a long time ago.
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember doing my make-up for my 8th grade dance?

Mom: No, I was too out if it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Me: Gets reverse cared played on me

Mom: Hey, uh, you don't remember seeing me in the bathroom back then right?

Me: Oh no mom! I let you have your privacy. I didn't want to intrude.

Me: In my head I remember everything...
---------------------------------------------------­------------------------------------------
Dear Mom,
     I remember EVERYTHING! The drugs, the stealing, and the lying...we all remember mom! I will never understand why you are the way you are. You picked favorites and basically said "*******!" to all your other children. You even stated that there's no reason for you to keep your sobriety all because your "Number 1 Son" doesn't want anything to do with you! You said that you have nothing else to stay clean for...WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHILDREN! I'm so angry with you! All the **** I did for you! Just for you to throw away being a mother! What's new though huh? Why did I expect any different? Why did I ever believe in you? Why did I think you would change and defended you when others said you would fail? Why couldn't you just have been a regular ******* mom! I hate you mom! I wish you had never had children because you don't deserve to see our joy after you talk **** about us and tear us down! I'll forgive you, but I'm so mad at you!
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
There's a mother's love that I long to have that I will NEVER have...

What a mother's love...to just give up on your children.

Thanks mom.

Anxiety attacks make me feel like I ran a marathon entirely by myself with no water.

Anxiety attacks make me remember, actually forget how to breathe.

Anxiety attacks remind me that I HAVE anxiety

Anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can't escape from.

1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
Stop. Breathe!
1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
DESTINY! BREATHE! IT'S OKAY, YOU'RE SAFE!

I relive that very session pretty frequently. My therapist was absolutely amazing and I'm so glad she knew how to get me out of that moment. I can't really express how it felt other than feeling paralyzed, but not actually being paralyzed. PTSD is what is was and it was terrifying. Actually it was beyond terrifying. I didn't want to leave her office. I didn't want to walk to my ride. I didn't want to do anything. It shocked my whole family because they were confused as to why I was all of a sudden afraid to be alone. That's where the anxiety really started to become major anxiety. That's when I actually had to spend a whole day in the ER because my chest was hurting so badly, I thought I was dying. It was there I was told it was just a bruised sternum. Now I know so much more about my surroundings and how to find the inner me where I don't really experience that level of terror anymore, which is great.

Psychologists are amazing if you are willing to stick it out and find the right one.

I'm starting college soon and I actually want to be a Psychologist because of all the trauma in my life.

Thanks to all those who support mental illness's and I hope that the stigmas will change.

My body is a canvas.
A canvas of many different mediums.
Some great.
Some awful.

How could art be awful?

This medium involved Scarlett. . .
  -Bright Scarlett. . .
Silver. . .
  -Shiny Silver. . .
Tears. . .
  -So many tears. . .

Self-harm is something I truly never thought I would find.
I never thought that I could inflict so much physical pain on myself, when everyone saw me as the "baby" of the family.

You know, it's always been easier to be the cause of the pain. That way, you can actually stop the pain. But I didn't want to. I liked feeling the "real" pain. I didn't have access to drugs or alcohol, so I found something else to get addicted to.

At first it wasn't as bad.
One cut.
Then two.
Then three.
Then one whole top of my thigh.

I still didn't think it was bad.
I was oblivious.

Then something happened.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Psychosis and PTSD.
So then, the cutting got worse because I couldn't stand the thought of being everyone's problem.
I couldn't stand the truth of what "I" was.
I was THE problem.

Everyone had to put their lives on hold.
For me. . .
I hated myself.

I was crying out for help, but I was invisible.
I was hidden in plain sight and I might as well have put on a show for my family.
Called, "Welcome to the Destruction of a Ghost!"
Because I was invisible!!!

Oh, but it was all my fault?

How?

I eventually started to dissociate.
Meaning, I had no clue what I was doing or where I was.
I starting waking up with more throbbing wounds that I didn't remember.
I was in danger.

Oh!
That's nothing.
The worst of it all was when I would dissociate AND have a psychotic episode.
The voices grew louder each day, until I cut deep enough to need stitches.
I never got those stitches.
I was still hidden in plain sight.

I. . .Finally. . .Got. . .Help!

Two years, 11 psych wards, and so much pain.

I've been clean for 4 months.
It's a battle that I fight everyday, but I'm a warrior with the proper training.

I've gotten rid of that awful medium on this canvas.

Now I express myself through the power of words, writing music, and putting my thoughts in to illustrated art!

Okay.
I love my family, but they are the most toxic people in my life.
I love being happy, but being happy only means that bad things are to come.
I love my smile, but that's the only thing I like about my appearance.
I love having friends, but that only means I have to socialize and show my body in public and how awkward I am.

Okay.
Now that I have you all intrigued at the fact that I am trying to impress myself within society, here's the real deal...

I do love my family and they are toxic, but what does that mean?
That means that even though I wish to escape the abuse, I have to stick around because of my attachment issues that come with having severe anxiety when I can't make them all happy...it simply means I'm trapped.

I do love being happy and it is true that it means bad things will come. I'm also really terrified of being happy though because all my life it's been confusion and chaos that I've gotten comfortable with. Hospital stays, suicide attempts, medication changes, and staying in bed until I was sore!

I do love my smile and it is the only thing I like about my appearance. Hmm...why? " You are so beautiful just the way you are!" "God made you how he needs you." Look, I get it, I shouldn't worry about what I look like but how can I help it when everywhere I look I see "perfect?"
At first, I didn't eat for one meal, then two, then a whole day, and then 36 hours. It slowly turned into me eating "normally" and then getting rid of it by shoving ******* down my throat hoping my gag reflex would wake up...now I gag just swallowing food. I don't get rid of the food anymore, I'm getting help and realizing that food is not bad. I'm trying to accept myself for me...not for anyone else.

I love my friends...I really do, but society scares me into thinking that my friends don't love me. Social anxiety is something that I'm actually not diagnosed with but I should be. I mean when I have to take a tangle into the grocery store just to get milk and I skip plans with friends because I'm afraid of getting hurt by other people...I think I have social anxiety along with generalized anxiety where I'm scared and worried about everything!

Expectations.
Standards.
Rules.
Conditions and Catches.

Listen up Eating Disorders!

Your expectations are contradictory! You want girls to feel so ashamed of their bodies that they starve and shove their fingers down their throat so that they'll live to be happy. You know better than anyone though that really, you just want us laying in our deathbeds.

Your standards are stupid! You think you can put each individual girl into one category. A category that is labeled "so-skinny-each-individual-bone-pops-out-with-no-effort."

Your rules are torture! Rule 1: Exercise until you pass out. Rule 2: Start off "in reason" with restriction. Rule 3: Cut out all processed foods. Rule 4: "You like what you see?" Keep going! Rule 5: Why not cut out all food? Rule 6: Develop fear foods. Rule 7: Eat everything because you're so hungry your insides are burning. Rule 8: Oh no! You can't gain weight! Go shove your fingers down your throat! You must get rid of the food! Rule 9: Restrict again because you can't see anything but a monster when you look into the mirror. Rule 10: Speaking of mirrors, do at least 3 body checks a day. How big is your waist? Can you wrap your fingers around your wrists? Do you have a thigh gap? Rule 11: Cry for hours because you "accidentally" looked at the scale for the 20th time today. Rule 12: Start over and repeat until you end up in the hospital. "You'll never be sick enough though!"

Your conditions and catches confuse us! You have these conditions, but there's always a catch! "You can have that one candy bar, but you must lose 13 pounds this month!" "You will be happy when you reach your goal weight, but you should set a second and third goal weight just in case!" "You will have so many friends when you're actually underweight, but you must lose all the ones you love now first!" "You can get help, but it'll make you feel worse because then you'll see that you're weak!"

ENOUGH!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

What do you want from me?
Why am I not good enough now?
Why do I have to wear a size 00?
When will you stop killing all these sweet girls who just want to love themselves?
When will we stop hearing you yell at us because we want to go out to eat with our family and friends?
Why can't you stop casting all your imperfections on all these perfectly imperfect girls?
Why do you feel like you're not enough?

                                           Sincerely, We-Are-Enough

I'm enough.
I'm enough at any size!
Yes I'm obese.
Yes I want to be smaller, but I have to do it healthily and without the guidance of "Ana" or "Mia" or "Ed!"
Ana, Mia, and Ed will only tell you lies.
Lies that will tear you apart!
You must listen to those around you who want to help you!
I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
Happiness is real and possible, but these eating disorders don't know what happiness is!
You are enough!
You are perfect at every size!
You are so much stronger than this illness!
You are not weak for eating a granola in fact, you're not weak for eating a pint of ice cream!
It'll all fall into place.
This illness will not take you!
I promise, you are enough!

Hi, it's me again.
It's your daughter.
I know you are in Heaven, but do you remember me?
Do you remember when you would sing to me without mom knowing?
Do you remember that last time I told you I loved you?
Do you remember THAT day?
The day that it all changed?
The day that I was pulled off you?
I miss you.
I really miss you.
I need one of your hugs!
I need you.
Sincerely, Your Daughter

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Memories
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Sometimes, it just becomes too much!

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Sometimes, it just haunts me!

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Sometimes, I can't escape!

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Sometimes, it hurts more than it should!

All the memories have seemed to fade, but always find its way back!

These memories don't really ever go away, they just linger.

They think that they're welcome.

They don't have a permanent home.

They shadow my every move!

Faded memories aren't very faded anymore...

I get it!
I really get it!

Most days I heard, "Hey Fatty!" more than I heard, "Hello!"
Most days I looked in the mirror at my biggest enemy.
Most days I just cried.

I never understood how someone could just look at me and tell me that I'm fat.
I am not blind.
I KNOW THAT I'M FAT and I don't need you to point it out for the 20th time today!!!
I really do know that I'm fat and I wish I could change it.

I tried to change it.
By starving myself.
By forcing my fingers to the back of my throat.
By exercising until I passed out.

I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Please stop reminding me!
Please stop haunting my thoughts with those hateful words!
Please think before you speak!
Please!

I realized that starving myself wasn't helping and I was just in pain because of how hungry I was.

I realized that making myself ***** wasn't helping either, I would just cry because I knew that the food in my stomach was getting absorbed.

I realized that exercising until I passed out wasn't right, but I wasn't going to stop.

The suicide attempts.
Just because I wasn't thin enough.
Just because I let myself eat more that one rice cake.
Just because no one believed me.
Just because I hated myself.
Just because of you!

I get it!
I really get it!
I'm fed up!

I am enough just the way I am!
I am enough no matter what you think!
I am enough because I'm me!

So please, stop calling us "FAT", we know and we see us even bigger than you see us.
Just stop.
We are nice and friendly, just give us a chance!

I feel like I'm drowning and no one can save me
I feel like I am screaming but no one can hear me
I feel like I am falling but none is there to rescue me
do you feel what I feel or is it just me

I'm afraid of fire.

I'm afraid of the fire that blazes and melts flesh.

I'm afraid of the fire I feel in my cheeks when I'm embarrassed.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm angry.

I'm afraid of the fire in my mind when I sleep.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm sad

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M AFRAID OF THE FIRE I FEEL ON MY SKIN WHEN I HAVE EXTREME URGES

My scars scream...
My skin crawls...
My head spins...

Please go away.
Please go away.
Please go away.

I say it as though I'm calm...

PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!

When I should say it like this...

I'm such a failure to myself.
If I pick up the razor, everything I just worked towards will disappear.
I will become homeless.
I will actually have no one.
I won't have anything to live for, which would give me and excuse for suicide being the answer.
I say NO!
SUICIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Suicide only kills others on the inside.
Suicide only kills the dreams of your family.
Suicide doesn't even **** you!

You think that if you **** yourself that everyone you've ever met and loved will forget about you.

You think that the memory of you is dead and that's why you think it's okay to kills yourself, when in reality your memory will become more prominent.

You think that nothing will matter to anyone when you breath your last breath, but you don't understand that everything following your suicide will matter more than ever.

You think that this is it...that you'll be in pain for the rest of your life.

Your life is going to be so beautiful!

Yes, you'll have your ups and downs, but so what? You've been through so many of those already!

Stay strong!

Even if it's for your pet fish...
Or your favorite stuffed animal...
Or your favorite TV show to come out with a new season...
Or you to order your favorite food...
Or for you to dance in the rain...
Or for you to make your very first Doctors appointment on your own...
Or to meet the love of your life...
Or to stroll downtown...
Or to go to the fanciest place ever...
Or to ride a helicopter...
Or to go fishing for the first time...
Or to get married...
Or to have your first baby...
Or to go swimming with dolphins...

I could go on and on with this list on why you should go on with your life.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Things will eventually get better.

I am ashamed of how much I've let myself fall. . .
I am angry at myself for not talking about it. . .
I am hurt that my brain could betray me so much. . .
I am guilty of keeping so many secrets. . .
I am disgusted at the things my brain tells me. . .

I didn't choose this. . .
I didn't ask to be so messed up in my mind. . .
I didn't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. . .
I didn't ask for my family to do the things they did. . .
I didn't want to make people worry. . .

I'm sorry for trying so hard to disappoint you. . .
I'm sorry for thinking the thoughts I think. . .
I'm sorry I'm not perfect. . .
I'm sorry for lying. . .
I'm sorry for being me at this point. . .

I can't help feeling anxious. . .
I can't help feeling depressed. . .
I can't help being afraid to gain weight. . .
I can't help feeling euphoric when my ED type thoughts win. . .
I can't help feeling hate towards myself for being super overweight. . .

I want to see my collar bones. . .
I want my clothes to continue falling off. . .
I want to see that I lost five pounds every weigh in. . .
I want to be cute. . .
I want to be sick if it means I lose weight. . .

I am sick. . .
I am confused. . .
I am scared. . .
I am dumb. . .
I am stupid. . .

Please forgive me, as I sit here pointing out every flaw. . .

Hey, My name's Destiny!
I'm a ****** up MASTERPIECE!
You know what though?
That's okay!
It's okay to feel like you're ****** up!
I can promise you though that I'm a masterpiece.
Do you know what it means to be a masterpiece?
It means that I am priceless!
I am a warrior!
A lion!
A Goddess!
I've been through ****** up stuff, but I made a masterpiece from it all!
A MASTERPIECE!

I'm just me!

I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .

Hey mom, you are TOXIC.
Hey mom, you are EVIL.
Hey mom, you are BITTER.
Hey mom, you are SAD.
Hey mom, you are ANGRY.
Hey mom, you are GUILTY.
Hey mom, I FORGIVE YOU.

It still hurts though!

The highest recognition of a female role model and mentor will never go to my mother because the things she was supposed to teach me were taught to me by another.

Another mother, yes but so much like the big sister I never had but always wanted. From simple conversations about how to be me to complex conversations about how to let go.

She helped me understand it all without being made to feel small. She helped me let go of the anger and resentment I held onto so dearly in hopes that you would eventually come around.

The jealousy speaks louder than my heartbeat in the midst of a severe anxiety attack when I feel as though my lungs are being crushed. This feeling of jealousy I know all too well because I remember it being taught by you.

I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

I HATE YOU!!!

i know what it's like when you've smile so much, it starts to hurt
i know what it's like when you've cried so much, it starts to burn

My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.

My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!

Offenders Name: Destiny

Location of Unit: Prison of Minds, Suicide Town

Charges: Any and Every Mental Illness

Time Sentenced: Life

Cell: Suicide Wing 101

Visitation Rights: All Who Actually Care

I gave you all had to lose
my soul my heart my finest Jul
I lowered my walls so you could break them
for what? for you to hurt me again
I thought you were better than the others
but I thought wrong
this what I get for thinking and not knowing I guess
you taught me not to trust people so easily
so now people have to gain my trust which I should have done in the first place.
so now that I think of it you taught me a life lesson so thanks


By Michayla

Let's go away.
To a place of peace.
To a safe place.
A place where there is no evil.
Where there is no fear.
Let's go.
Now!

We never went.
It got too late.
You backed out.
You were scared, which is why we were going.
You disappeared.
I have to go.
Now!

I stayed.
To visit you.
To share my love with you.
To hold your hand.
Let's go.
We can still go.
Now!

We went.
Both of us.
You left before me when you jumped.
I came to where you are when I swallowed them all.
We are together.
Now!

Dear Self Hatred,

Could you leave me alone? I'd really appreciate it!

                                                                 ~ Sincerely, one lonely gal

I was 15.
I was a freshman in high school.
I had just moved to a new school for the last 6 weeks.
I had just moved in with my adoptive family.
I was very vulnerable.
I was quiet.
I was scared.
I was a joke to everyone.
I was a disappointment.

Some context would be nice I'm sure.

I was *****.
I was in pain mentally and physically.
I was terrified of people.
I was taken advantage of because I was a ******.
I was once clean.
I felt *****.
I felt numb for the most part.
I was called a liar.
I was just a kid.

The worst part was that it was family.

I was the sister.
I was misunderstood.
I was confused.
I was ashamed of myself.
I thought it was the end for me.
I wanted to know what death felt like.
I tied things around my neck.
I swallowed hand fulls.
I was one wrong move from actually jumping.

Nothing I did made me happy anymore.

I went to a hospital.
I went to another hospital.
I went again.
I went a fourth time.
I went a fifth time.
I went a sixth time.
I went a seventh time.
I went an eighth time.
I'm sure you get the pattern.

It all literally made me a waste of space because I was a zombie.

Medication.
Sleep.
Hatred.
Anger.
Sadness.
Fear.
Disappo­intment.
Shame.
Confusion.

You name it and I felt it.

I didn't think that things would ever get better.
I didn't love myself.
I cared way too much about the number on the scale.
I starved myself.
I made my throat a new home for my fingers.
I sliced my skin.
I gave myself bruises.
I banged my head against the wall.
I tortured myself daily.

It never crossed my mind that I was hurting those I love.

I felt like the world was crumbling at my feet.
I felt alone.
I thought my life was in slow motion.
I stopped smiling.
I couldn't hear the birds sing.
I always just saw gray.
I couldn't smell the rain.
I didn't want anyone to be happy.
I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling.

The journey was long, but worth it.

I'm living life.
I see that my body is imperfectly imperfect.
I don't focus on my flaws anymore.
I got rid of the scale.
I learned to love.
I'm in college.
I'm living in my own place.
I have support.
I am enough.

The road is so very long, but not everlasting.

You'll get through this!
You'll find who you are!
You'll learn to love yourself!
You'll enjoy life!
You'll impact others who need you!
You'll find the love of your life!
You'll find where you belong in this world!
You'll grow through what you go through!
You'll make it, I promise!

I am a survivor!
You are a survivor!

If you are FAT, they judge you.
If you are SKINNY, they judge you.
If you are PRETTY, they judge you.
If you are UGLY, they judge you.
If you LIVE, they judge you.
If you DIE, "***, they were such a good person. I miss them so much!"



RIP