It's hard
To change
How you vocalize your mind
It's hard
when every poem has been pain
It's hard
When your mind
Doesn't process how it used to
I used to scream on pages
It's been so long
Since I felt lost
No?
It's been so long
since I felt empty.
I can empty my mind without poetry
I have grown
My old poems are beautiful.
Am I no longer like that?
Is this dread?
I dont know
But it's been so long
Since I had anything to empty
I miss these pages of poems
But
I dont miss being like that?
Who am I now?
I dont know
But it's time
Time I learn to write
From a new perspective

You've always asked me why I never verbalize my emotions,
well.
I don't know how,
when I try and speak the words
stumble off my tongue,
Into my teeth
off my lips
then
they fall flat of expectation
never really seem to strike a chord
or
stand out.
So I, simply, don't.
When I push the keys on my keyboard though.
That's when I speak the most fluently.

These days without you,
Make singing a lot harder
Oh, how I miss you.

I'm scared to sleep
because
If I dream about you
I'll wake up crying
Spend all day wishing you would hold me
Think about how warm you hugs felt
Wish I hadn't woken up
Know that what we had didn't last
Because
The second we said "forever" our love became a feather.

I'm not as easy to read
As you may believe
My head's a war zone
My heart's a sinking ship
My shell seems vacant
Because I'm trying
to keep my head up
But that doesn't speak for me.
My appearances don't match my feelings.
I'm trying to recalibrate
But one thing I can't stand
Is when I'm told
what
I'm
feeling.

Just because I said,
"I'm happy you're happy"
Doesn't mean I'm not still upset

They say, "think more, speak less"
It's not, necessarily, my moto
But I do tend to live by it.
I'm, typically, racked with anxiety,
Expressing myself can be hard
My actions may not always seem it,
But I'm always trying to help.

Last night,
For the first time since you left,
I had a dream about you.
Nothing amazing happened,
We sat there, talked, ate candy and laughed
I forgot how much you meant to me,
Those moments don't matter.
Those moments were just that,
Moments.
I thought if I smothered the flame
I have burning for you,
I could just be your friend.
I wonder if you've noticed,
That I don't look at you when I talk.
It hurts to see you.
I wonder if for a second
You've regretted not choosing me.
I think about you from time to time
In such a way,
It doesn't stack up
to the better fitting "puzzle piece".
I know,
I'll have to find a way to ****
what feelings for you
I have left.
I'm just not sure
That I'm ready to let go.

These days have become longer,
Subsequently the nights shorter.
It's not that the sun peaking through the cracks of the black out curtains reach my bedside or that my roommates make too much noise
but I've been waking up earlier.
I've been falling asleep
at a decent time,
Anywhere from 10:30 to one AM  
Depends on work,
who wants to talk,
on the orb resting on these shoulders.
My dreams aren't of past loves,
Like they used to be
But of things I'd like to do,
Drink beer with my friends,
Surf in the clear waters of Australia,
Run away from my responsibilities.
Waking up anywhere
from seven Am to 9:30,
has taught me,
there's a lot of time I forgot existed.
I won't let it fade.

As the weeping willows bend in the breeze never to break,
I will bend as well.
I know that every kiss was real,
Every touch,
Placed deliberately
Every night spent with you in my arms was appreciated.
I knew from the beginning you may change your mind,
To wish to return to the longing stares
That I'll throw your way when I see you in a crowded room.
I knew that we could,
very well,
return to your hand moving past mine unstopped.
I'll miss letting you claim me with your lips
Allowing you to stroke my soul with words unbound  
I'm not okay with the situation
But, yeah,
I'll be your friend, again.

Cadence
Has always seemed odd to me
Falling casually into pattens of speech
Pressing my words together
As if a breath is something I may never find
Colliding combinations of chaotic,
cascading,
Words
Pressed permanently through pressed lips
Pulsating the air
Puncturing silence purposing
Punctuation’s predominant purpose is
Silence.
To end, needless, nonsensical ramblings.
I want to walk, willingly,
from a wriggle in my mind
To a writhing sense of wonder.
Let me speak quickly
Let me fumble over words
Let me speak,
Even if no one is listening

separated and whethered by time.
two pieces of a whole.
making our ways ever closer to one another.
bound to collide once more
Bound to embrace each other till the end of time.
We are
*Pangea

when I said,
"you are my muse",
well,
I meant it.
When I said that
"You make me happy",
I meant that, too.
When I said that
"I loved you,"
I never knew that my love
would only be met
until he said he
"Loved you."
So, here's to you,
So, here's to us.
I don't think your love's
one I can trust.

I am rooted
Here I sit
Here I stay

In the breeze I watched you fall
I've seen your sprout grow strong and tall
with your roots still young and thin
you may leave my planted kin

while my leaves would give you shade
in the sun you'll need to play
So, off you go. Grow thick and strong
And follow the winds sweet sad song.

I shall still grow.
I ebb and flow.
I am still rooted I can not go.

In your winter I'll send my leaves
Wait for them upon that breeze
All my love our memories

You may be far
And I still here
But
In the breeze I'll hold you near

****,
I,
I,
I love you.
It probably looks odd
but you have a way
of making me stammer.
Stumble over words
like
my toes got caught under a throw rug
I'm a disaster flick with a grizzly ending,
When it comes to you,
I know up from down
The moon shines brighter
The water I drink tastes more crisp.
I was alive and well before you.
But because of the things you've done as a friend,
I'm living.
I'm free.
Maybe,
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Tonight,
ended like you say
you
want nights to end.
With you in your bed,
Me on the couch.
From here I can't hear you breath
Or
Feel your warmth,
However,
I can send you my love.
I can still do all the things I would have from my bed.
The only difference is
My heart aches a lot more,
Why wouldn't it?
The woman I love,
The north star in my life
My best friend,
The woman I can laugh with
The woman I can sing for
The woman whom I would die for
The woman i swear I'll protect
The woman who makes my face hurt,
From smiling,
The kindest,
Silliest,
Smartest,
Sexiest,
Most honest,
Most loving,
Most caring
Most talented woman I will ever know,
Is laying forty feet away,
Tucked neatly in her blanket
Behind closed eyes and doors.
I love you.
God, I ******* love you.
I'm so in love with you.
I just can't formulate a rhyme
Or a metaphor
Or A simile
To describe it.
Rachel,
Rachel, please
I'm begging you
Let me hold you tonight.

I love you.
"I love you,
so much so it hurts my head."
I just want to hold you close,
never let you go
And keep your smile by my side.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I was who I was
but
who I am now,
is in desperate need
Of you
And of your love...