The I love you's and I miss you's all turned to violent threats,
All the giggling and the laughing became broken whimpered frets..
My once smiling lips became pinched tightly around a burning cigarette,
Your whispered sweet words gone, you shout at me angry and upset.
Accusations loud and sharp were thrown at me without regret.
Anxiety disguised as butterflies bruised my insides from all your texts.
The fear at your reactions always present in my mindset,
No more of this! I'm done paying in angst some racked up unknown debt.
I'm done forever proving I'm alone at home and not getting some guys **** wet,
I tried but I am done, this isn't love being trapped inside your net.
But like a Phoenix in the ashes, I'm reborn from all the fires that you set.
The chains you tried to bind me in are gone now, in my life I've pressed reset,
I'm happy that I left you and broke free, on that you can bet.

Rotting away. Just like my insides. Drying, Decaying.
Pain and suffering. Day after day... What games are the Gods playing?
I'm practically growing roots on this mattress, what debt am I paying?
There's nothing. Nothing to hold my interest anymore, the colors are all greying..
Like a feline, under the knife. Waiting in line for the spaying.
This waiting seems eternal, speed it up please, who's delaying?
I'm so tired. Exhausted. This isn't living anymore. The toll, it is weighing.
These roots are a disease, it's continuous, its spreading, the pain, it's replaying.
Make stop... I'm so tired. The walls are so haunting, is this how it's all staying?

You cannot tell her she's beautiful,
You cannot tell her you love her,
You cannot tell her she's your world
When she's at her best moments.

You may only tell her those things,
If you're ready for her to have those off days,
If you're ready for her to not always wear makeup,
If you're ready to deal with her mood swings,
If you're ready for her to be clingey some days and distant others,

You cannot tell her any of the pretty little comments,
Unless you can handle her
Alone at two A.M.
As she's struggling with life,
And wondering why

She is not enough to win her own internal battles

Sleep evades me almost every night, he hides in the shadows, taunting me with his dark face,
I lay in bed and beckon him with my eyes to come and take me to a far away place,
But He stays out of reach, and chuckles at my attempts, watching so still in my sight,
I sigh with frustration and turn away, He does this most every night.
The crickets chirp and the frogs all croak, then suddenly it begins to soothe me,
He calls my name my eyes peel open, he laughs loudly at my misery.
'Please come to bed, I'm so tired, lay with me a while,'
I pat the spot next to me,
In silence he stands, He sighs then nods.
Finally.
Exhausted I turn and smile.

~


Layers upon layers,
flaking residue...
scraping at the inner walls of my heart,
priming the ruins of my disassembled dreams while
masking off all hope of bleeding out or bleeding on

“Dare I bleed in the color of missing you?”

Scratches filled in with crayon,
vacant hues...
only on or outside of the lines of love
Woeful stick figures dancing to a lonely song,
played by the empty roller lashed to my hand

“Would you dare touch my handprints....smear them?”

Minutes take hours to pass, but who cares,
Que Sera Sera...
the old Zenith finds Doris Day happy,
nice someone can be
stirring a smile within a gallon of semi-(g)loss

“Why is the sale brand in barren tones?”

I cringe at the thought of another moment in this position,
base boards...
bent over and touching up,
flat lining without an edge,
waiting for your touch, your tinted smile...waiting your approval

*“Like watching paint dry...”

Frozen rigid body, stuck within my own loud chaotic head,
Having to sit in a room full of people fills me with unbearable dread.
The facade that 'Im okay' is one I've worn my whole life, can't I be alone instead?
They all look at me afraid that I'm lying. I am. I just want to lay in bed.
Can't do that without funny looks being thrown my way, this rotting mask I wanna shed.
In the confines of my sactum I go to breathe free, this all weighs so heavily, like lead.
Hate this feeling of anxiousness, like maggots, I scratch at my chest, until it turns red,
It flows through, worming inside me, I let it feel at home, it's better than being emotionally dead.
I'm comforted Feeling anything at this point, though now I can feel the numbness spread.
The lies spew out so easily now, none can be taken back, none can be unsaid.
Sarcasm has become my best friend. One that'll help me in those tiring times ahead.
I'm exhausted with myself, an endless invisible battle, no one sees, inside my own ****** up demented head.

I'm trying to fight it. 'Make it stop! ' I plead to the skies.
Pain is addicting, I've come to realize.
I come full circle seeking what's caused their cries.
******* to the fullest, I'm aware of the price.
When life begins to lose Meaning, that's when it starts, the lies.
'I'm fine, I'll be ok, I'm good' my smiling disguise.
Emotional pain is unbearable, slowly and silently my soul dies.
I touch my scars and yearn for the pain, I close my eyes.
1 deep breath, then another, I feel my chest rapidly begin to rise.
The anticipation builds. I'm trying.... 'don't give in! ' I'm tired of the lies.
'Don't do it! ' I touch the scars. ' Stop! ' my heart sadly sighs.
Physical pain I CAN control. I say when I say where. 'I'm trying! ' I look to the skies.
No answer.
Forgive me.
I say to everyone and no-one. I slowly open my eyes.
1
2
3
4
5... 6.. slice after slice.
Trembling, revelling, numbing. Calming. Oh, How time flies.
'I tried. ' I quietly watch through glass covered eyes.
Drip..
Drip..
Drip...
It dries.
It sets in, the guilt. It triples in size.
Pain is addicting. Do you see? Do you realize?
'Don't give in! Fight!' But, it's my only vice.
'Stop it!' Why? It's given life meaning, for a moment, it feels nice. For a moment I can believe my own lies.
'I'm fine, I'll be ok' it begins to fade. I close my eyes.
Full circle, but I'm aware of the price...
'Don't! ' my fists clench shakily on my thighs.
Oh, how I'm tired of the lies.