Sometimes, post ******
you lie in someone's arms
simply because they are comfortable
and you need a moment
before you'll trust your legs to walk away.

Sometimes you will linger
kiss their shoulders
trace little circles with your pinky
out of appreciation,
Thanks for their sounds and the sensations.

But I am drawing fractals on your chest
and studying your eyelashes,
Every few moments
you lean over and we share three tiny, little kisses.
And each time, you feel my smile
so you smile back through the next kiss.
I sneak one extra
on the tip of your nose
because I am glad it is on your face.

And your hand comes up
to rub the skin beneath my ear
I let out a happy humming sound
you return it,
You leave a kiss on my forehead
and I keep making fractals

I first arrived
and this beach
looked like heaven.
Sand shifting
like clouds beneath my feet,
nothing bad could happen
in a place that looks this good.
And I guess
in the excitement
I never noticed
it was low tide.
My brow furrows
as I try
desperately
to see land past the water
but it is endless.
So I sit at the feet
of this endless god
inhale the salty spray
inhale the peaceful air.
How long have I been here?
At some point
the water
I swear
it moved
I swear
the water
it's coming for me.
My eyes are fixed
the edge of the water
approaching slowly
but I think
it's getting faster.
Cold
wet
my rightmost toe
it is here.
Why am I
still
here?
My mind has tied me down
I stare
unmoving
as the water engulfs my feet.
I do not twitch
I do not blink
I watch
my own fate unfolding.
I never learned
how to swim.

I type out
a friendly message to you
and I pause
to write a poem about it
about you.

I need you.
I can't even explain
Because I've never felt
this before.
Which is such
a stupid
cliché thing to say.


I slowly
backspace
over my carefully
carved words,
and click
the x next to your name.

And I sigh,
Tonight is not our night.
And maybe,
It never will be again.

I took a walk to the
meadow where dreams
come from and as the
sun sank down pastel
clouds followed me and
the birds stopped singing
as darkness crashed down
upon us. A fog crawled across
the meadow, clinging to the
surface of this rock and
I find myself clinging to
the branch of a tree, my feet
floating upwards, threatening
to fly me away. And
I want to go, I long to float away.
But my hand stays on the branch.

Normally my Demons
hide in the darkness
and they'll come out occasionally
to Laugh at me
and convince me things
I should know aren't True.

But tonight
one has Crept
through my ribcage
and into my fragile chest
putting Pressure against this heart
that isn't strong enough to Fight.

I feel it
an unwanted guest
occupying my body
reaching into my mind
clouding and squeezing
and every piece of me is tense.

And I long
to Break my chest open
to rip out this Demon
and send it away
but I cannot do this
and it Cackles at me
for it knows my limitations.

So I sit
and I Feel
the darkness of my intruder
waiting
for my Lights
to turn back on.

Sometimes I am the mountain
And nothing can shake me.
I am ancient elegance,
Unchanging;
I never falter.
The wind cannot sway me and neither can you.
But today I am the ocean:
Turmoil taken out on innocent sand,
Motion I have no say in.
The moon commands me and I
I am so weak, I do what it says.
The mountain is strong.
But today, I am the ocean.

Winds blow past and rivers flow,
But they have no influence upon me.
Nothing shakes a mountain.
The moon pushes, so
I stumble.
The moon pulls,
So I fall.
I cannot stop shaking.
At least a leaf on the wind gets to settle
To the ground eventually.
There is no rest for my waters.
The mountain is strong,
But today I am the ocean.

And there are days I know how to speak up
For myself and for others;
Days when I can face anything.
The mountain outlasts ice ages.
But I am trembling.
I am a tsunami and
I want stillness but
I am crashing destruction.
I stumble away
pieces of me left behind
puddles amid tragedy.
The mountain is strong.
But today I am the ocean.

.                         it's not
                          that I have
                          any particular
                          desire
to **** myself                                
                          ­it's just that
                          I have no real
                          objections
                       ­   to the idea

life goes
on
so they tell me
two freshmen
gone suddenly
they ex-
plain
how we should keep going
without our
humanity showing
god for-
bid
our grades should suffer
just like all
of us - like they were

Sometimes I think
it would be so nice
to be a
Ghost.

Because then when I stand
to the side of a group
uninvolved
untalking

It will be normal.

Because what can a ghost do
except for watch others interact?

But now
I am flesh
that hides from other flesh
that avoids social interactions
that whispers
                     when she wants to scream.

Sometimes I try to rhyme
When I have free time
To spare on little details
And leaving behind art trails*
Evidence that I exist
That'll last longer than a fist
In the face of the things I hate.
I'm always running late
(A bit of a common trait)

I could dig a hole to change the world,
But what good would that do?
So instead maybe I'll just try
To have a lasting impact on you.

you don't know me
but you won't speak to me
for whatever reason
          it's been decided
     we aren't friends
     we aren't friendly

Why?

Am I so easy to hate?
     to ignore?

Why am I so easy to not want?

you're laughing with your friends
     and something
          about the sound
               pierces through me
I think you're laughing at me

I don't know why
     but it bothers me

I pretend
     not to care

about what people
     people like you
          think
               about people like me
If there are other people like me

I guess I don't get a chance
to show you that your judgment is wrong

shouldn't I dismiss you as an *******?
     for dismissing me so easily?
          but my heart is aching
               for an answer
                    why
               what I've done

the people here don't like me
but they won't just say it to my face
they'll whisper it to each other
     as I walk past
they'll laugh it through my chest

I am craving being known
     I guess I don't get that option
no one wants
     to know
          me
no one
     wants
          me

and maybe I could sleep tonight
     if at least
          I knew why.

I never told you
                              that I loved you
     or about the magnitude of that emotion.

because for the longest time
     you weren't mine
          and then I
               was someone else's.

And now
     my heart doesn't break
     every single time I see you.
     It shatters.

So I carry a hundred shards
     of this shattered heart
          but they cut into my hands

And so desperately I want to show you these wounds
but you wouldn't understand.

Because you know me
in a way I don't think anyone else even could.
But these wounds aren't for the unknown pieces of myself
     they are for the misery
     painted on your eyes.

I'm not stupid, I know I couldn't make you happy.

It's been a ******* year and I still cry
                                                                 because I lost you
                                                                 because I never had you
                                                                 because these shattered shards
                                                                 belong to you

One day the fire between us went out
     and you never told me why.
And now I can't speak to you
                  I can't look at you
     I run away grasping my shards and cry
     for the love I can't tell you about.

What would you even do with my love?
It would be of no use to you.

Something broken
          can be taped or glued or stitched
               back together
                    but once something shatters
                                                                      it is shattered forever.

We want peace but
we can't stop the war
Everyone is fighting
no one knows what for
But I am so small
I am a candle
floating around in space
I crave a little less
darkness in this place
But I am so small
There are two people
by their own hands dead
And everyone else
demons in their head
But I am so small

that lumpy muscle imprisoned in my ribcage,
did she ever tell you she can see the future?
She whispers warnings of what is to come
and I am so thankful that she is so wise.

She tightens
and presses
against her bars,
so I freeze.
I listen
to her panicked
breaths
Something
dark
is approaching

You know that thing
where a stupid predator
can't see you
if you don't move?
Well I guess
the darkness
must be pretty dumb.

Because we freeze
the instant she tells me
and we wait
memorizing the shape
of the air in the room.

Late at night
I hear sobbing
in her cage.
But during the day
we live
or we wait
for darkness
to finally win.

You and I are nonproductive.
There will be no house where we'd live.
We will not be star crossed lovers on a book cover.
There will be no pictures of days spent together.
No rings on our hands
Or ancient rituals with family and friends.
We'll never get a cat or a puppy.
We'll never have a child. We won't even have three.
You and I will never result in a single thing,
No, nothing.
Which seems like a waste
So I decided to
turn us into
a poem.

Sometimes happiness is just a little flower,
Disguised as a ****.
Sometimes I think it is just a hot shower.
Sometimes I think happiness
Lies in a cigarette
And a source of fire:
Either bon or a match or a lighter.
Sometimes I think it is a universe away.
And I think happiness ran off today.

We've had one night
And the better part of a morning
But already I can feel
That some piece of me is gone
And now it lives with you.

And it is too soon
For me to be yours
But...
I am.

I wonder if you feel
The electricity
From across this city;
I can.

Who am I today?
Sore muscles, sore heart
Because of exercise
and his brown-gray eyes.
And we don't have the time
for him to be mine
and for us to be we.

     And a piece of me wants to stay
     to test out this spark;
     see if we can light something in the dark.
     Can we use this desire
     to start a forest fire?
     or is it just a match
     the breeze will blow out before we get the chance?

          Do you want to stay ignorant?
          Or do you want to learn?
          Do you wanna try?
               Or are you afraid of the burn?