am i trapped in a spell?
nope but trapped i a hell
i want something to feel, sides this hate
i will never escape this fate

because i refuse to,
i rather suffer then be without you
leaving this place means leave you
behind, but seeing you, this is true

makes me feel okay
and helps me through my ****** day
i am tired of understanding, my friends
because their problems come to no end

i want to be understood
but not by any  brotherhood
or some idiot, but wish to be yours
understood, and liked, just yours

3 weeks or so
Since we did that show
And now I'm alone
Yes I got a phone

But no one to call
Not even ghostbusters, fall
Is far off and till then I fear
Nothing from "friends" is what ill hear

Nightmares are back
Puting my mind under attack
Constant reminders of mistakes made
And that memories of you refuse to fade


But that doesn't matter, does it
The truth is , I act like I don't
Need anyone or anything,
But I need something in my
Life to be constant, aside from
The constant of being told I may move again

6 months later and I still
Have the feel of your kiss
On my lips, the feel
Of your embrace I miss
The way you bite,
The way we kissed goodnight
Just a few more moments
And I'll be with you in my arms.
Just a few more months.

a few more years
and ill full-fill her fears
and gain a uniform
some country i  will storm

the only reason to stay
has now gone away
i used to want to be
her's, now i want free

not me to be free no
but for her to be so
i want to protect her freedom
so where ever i may roam

i hope she finds a home
to be herself, a home
for her to be free
and so she will forget me

since i am not her taste...

baby, i really like you, and i feel like i am messing it all up
could i have one sign baby, that i am doing something right?
you are my girl, and i know i am awkward and dont express myself right
but girl could  you give me one sign, just one sign that i'm not ******* up

am i doing anything right?
what should i do if not baby?
you know how i feel, but could i have one sign?
one sign so i know to keep doing what i am, or to change what i'm doing wrong

you know whats annoying
have to get up every sunday
and go to a place where
people try to belittle your beliefs

threatening hell if you do not
submit to there corrupt ways,
and interpretations of one of
the many holy texts,

so this is why i do not want to go
to that place, i hate it
all i am allowed to do
is bite my tongue, grit my teeth

but it makes you happy
it seems, when i pretend
to be glad, pretend i want
to be there, when in reality

every second there eats me alive

i am anti-america
i am a racist
well i say thank you
i am the racist just because

i dislike the president
do you even ask why though?
it couldn't be cause i dislike his political stance
no it has to be his skin color i don't like

i am anti-american because i call the government
out when it does something wrong
i am suppose to sit in silence while our government
screws up in other nations and making sure our nation

gets more and more *******
my question is who is the
anti-american, me who calls out the government
or the person who sits in silence or covers up our nations ****-ups?

Everyday i think of you not as a friend but more
regretting every one of the many mistakes i have made with you
internalizing all my emotions and trying to hide my feelings
not wishing you were mine forever, but that you would give me a single chance

the memories seem to fade back to her
when i was young, and every breathe
i did not resent,

back before my first attempt,
or the first time i put a blade to me skin
before i had to grow up,
before my first broken limb,
she was the first crush,
in the sense of girl i fell for
and girl that crushed me,

she knows nothing to this
day how i felt,
yet it all comes back to her

Its not the major things
but the little things
that mean so much to me
and make you beautiful

I should have been there,
to talk you out of it
but instead I wasn't and
you did what you regret
I should have been there
this mistake i will not forget
how can i earn forgiveness
for not talking someone
out of taking a blade to
their precious skin.

why do people think i am better then i am
its time to realize what i did when i was young
i am worthless and useless other
then to **** and to eventually die

People think I'm better now.
That it's all gone, the thoughts and such
But that's not the case.
I'm just better at holding it all in
And not letting people see it.
Just imagine the hurt they would feel
If they knew their rock was hollowed out.

Your memory is a bittersweet melody
That is stuck in my skull
The bitter reminder of it being over
But the sweet remembrance of your soft kiss.

my ignorance is your bliss

that oh so familiar taste is in my mouth again
caused by someone i was told to trust
hate from both women and men
causing my soul to rust

Heart crushed, head cracked
all of this for what?
i get attacked
cause your girl did what

with me? oh yea nothing
so time to fight, time to taste blood
this time i'm not holding back
this time your gonna feel my attack

while bust your lip,
crack your ribs
slit your wrists
and let you ******* fist

for every time you
or others, have made me taste
that salty metallic liquid
blood

Blood, leaks down my wrist
loving you is my only reason to exist
over joyed to be with you
order, and happiness if only it was true
**** it why do i want only you

we pay for freedom in blood and bone.
the lives of our soldiers, not only soldiers humans like you and me
and we treat them like s**t for following orders and them remember them in stone
when will we stand up and support them? when will we leave them be?
they make to the choice to pay for our freedom with there blood and bones
and yet we are ungrateful, i will rememeber your soldiers, and it won't be in stone

i am here alone, stuck in my "home"
with thoughts of you of you in my dome
of thinking, stuck in my head
is stuff we have said

to one another, i read are chats
and think of you always, thats
to bad though, cause you don't have a care
for me, you just want me out of your hair

bottled up inside,
my emotions that i hide
will i ever have you close at my side
sides a stupid bus ride

i wanna hold you
and kiss you
and get to

feel your lips on mine
bet it would feel divine
because it sounds lame but you are fine

i just wish i had the guts to say
hey its a nice day,
will you spend it with me?
but instead i leave you be

you make my heart skip a beat
when you joke with me i can feel the heat
build up in my face, i hope i don't blush
because you are my big crush

i wish you knew
because i swear, my heart is true
and all i want to do
is spend my time with you

"we are made of broken parts"
i love this quote cause it is true
someone broke me to make me you
i realized what happened and tried to stop it

but it was to late and i was broken
my heart cracked spirit shattered
looking at the pieces wondering where to begin
put me back together, but i'm still torn and battered

battered and torn
full of scorn
pieces missing and feeling blue,
the emptiness can only be filled by you

At work i was distracted thinking
of you, and was rewarded by burning my hand
when i fell and put my hand on the
oven to catch myself....

slice here
cut there
and watch my blood spill everywhere
but i sit here instead, pulling out my hair

i promise to you i made
before my scars had a chance to fade
so i sit here, cause the promise i will not break
even if your intentions are fake

You care?
You ignore me for months
then talk to me claiming love
and feelings of affection for me

try to get into my bed
then try to mess games with my head
try to manipulate me,
You care

thats why you try every way
possible to break the walls
that are there because of you
and blame me for your actions

and the scars on my skin
and mind, that are there
because of you,
so this is you caring?

This is Psychological chess
and i am two moves behind
i figured out your game
and you have figured out mine

Our knights are dead,
our bishops have fled
and so much has got to my head
but when will we look up and realize,
we are on the same side?

Our difference is your a queen
I am a king,
you are stronger and faster,
but i lead the team,

we are chess pieces of the same color
king am i, and you the queen
but sadly i do not know one thing
what does this mean?

If it is our place to burn, then let me burn
if it our place to go to hell,
then i will burn with a grin
knowing my only sin
was my parents creating me

merry Christmas, enjoy your gifts
stand under mistletoe with you crush
give your happiness a lift
and let this give you a rush

i hope you get what you desire
and what you wish for
stay warm by a fire
and have gifts piled on the floor

tell me what you want and got
so i can congratulate you my friends
i only wish i could be what i'm not
so i could be the guy she needs

or be the one she wants
to be with under the mistletoe
her kiss, i would love to taste i want
to feel her embrace me, though

we both know this will not happen
so enjoy your holidays
and message me when you can until then
i will be here, writing the ****** poems thinking of ways

to get her, Merry Christmas
I wish you all the best
and you get your love's caress
because the best gift is love, there's no contest

"Guys I think I beat being depres..."
The words refuse to come out
Somethig inside me stops me.
Maybe the darkness inside?
Is it the sadistic nature that reveals In
My own depressed states? I do not
Think I suffer depression... But
These states come and go...
"Should I stay or should I go?"
It stays and goes as it please,
Nightmares here and nightmares there
Unforgiving discontent stares.
This little pressure is making me crack
I can get this darkness off my back.
Should I embrace the darkness or hate?
Is this truly what is to be my fate?
This constant struggle? This endless rebirth of my inner struggle that devours and wrecks my psyche.
This that destroys my very mind?
This ? This should one be content with?

In only a couple hours I will be seventeen
This all feels different then a year ago. I have a different girlfriend
I have different hair, more open views
But all I am missing is you.
Rest in peace my friend.

you began to spark my thoughts
when you were with my friends
and I, with your unusual polite
attitude, it was even nice to me

why is this, why now
why this after declaring hatred
towards me, why after saying
you only had me around to use

as a tool to lift your spirits
and to help your mood by crushing mine
why be nice after our falling out
this has me curious to say the least

cut open your chest
to put your heart to rest
cut the heart out, leave a stone?
no, you can be forever alone

leave it empty,
"so they long
for it to be filled
and all it can yield
is pain"

cut open the head
to make them dead
or in this case, wish
wish that was the case,

in their head you will leave it empty
so it yearns to be filled
and anger is all it will yield

no sew them up
leave the brain and heart  in a cup
and bury them in  the ground
so they can never be found

When that blade breaks the skin
and blood spills on that high carbon steel
The chemical release, forces a grin
and then the guilt becomes again real

so another cut must be made
till the guilt starts to fade
and all i feel is the brief and fading release

tomorrow will be the dance,
the dance with her
that i have waited so long for
hopefully i do not mess up
for her sake....

I will look like a fool,
and you will look beautiful
I will be nervous,
and you will be calming
This formal the one
dance i want, is one with you

Does anyone find it ironic
When we are young we are scared of the dark
Outside our windows and under our beds
But then realize the darkness growing inside
Of our very bodies, our souls and minds?

Dreams of death,
nightmares of life
soul full of the dark,
but dear you are a light
that shines and keeps me sane and whole
one that no longer shines for me
but desires me to be trapped in darkness

Why am I Alive?
Death is too easy,
So I will suffer on
And keep hating myself

What are we deserving of?
Not of hate that I will write
Of on a later date, but tonight
I mean love,

People say we deserve the love we allow
Ourselves to receive but others
Think we deserve what we receive and yet
There are those who think we deserve so much more

But I do not know what I deserve or
What others do, I just know that now
You are one who deserves so much better
You are so loving and kind,
Someone that deserves someone better
Then I.

the ground is covered in blood
it soaks it and makes a awful mud
i am surround by the fallen dead comrades, everywhere
the musty smell of bodies in the air

then i see the demon near
my body frozen, but lacking fear
to stupid to feel it i guess
the demon devouring the bodies, and the mess

then it comes for me
when i only want left be
by humans and demons alike
this demon should take a hike

it tortures me
and traps me
making me
re-live, my life

and i hate it for it

How come dreams wish to
remind you of the past, or nothing true?
Why do dreams have you think of the taste
of her lips, the taste you crave, or the waste
of a different relationship that has come to past
reminding you of friendships that didn't last.

Dreams that bring up old pain
or remind you of the time in the rain
or the nightmares that echo
events true, and suffering due.

a voice echos in the back of my mind
"one small cut will do just fine
no one cares"
your right, i should paint
the walls red shouldn't I
but this urge i do deny,

"Just stab yourself in the neck
then, you'll die fast that way"
anything to make the pain go away
not physical the emotional kind
this voice is starting to get hard to resist

I can't figure out how to feel,
I can not understand these human
emotions, why do not know how to feel?

Pulls a cigarette and lights it up
“They are gonna **** you those sticks”
Yeah well tonight I don’t care
That’s what I’m here to do
Inhale it up and let it out
Close your eyes and start the count
Then you drop the gun
Cry tear after tear
God gave you life and you were going
To give it all back.
This isn’t the end but maybe soon
You realize you are only here for her.

Why do i feel like i am waiting on you?
Because i am, i disgust my self
do you see what i am truly? no
you do not, no one does
think i am so great,
I AM WORTHLESS

I should have died five times now
but yet my worthless self is still alive
***** this and that this needs to end
I can't do it so, dear friends
end me
put my worthless disgusting embarrassing
existence to rest, end it all
END MY WORTHLESS LIFE

What is mine? Nothing.
What do I deserve? Nothing
What are we entitled to? Death.
That is it, nothing else.

So why are we even here
why am I even here?
If i had never existed
He would still be alive

People died that would
still be alive, if i had not
been born then they
wouldn't have been there

because of me,
breathe, i need to breathe,
it should have been me
but i can not change it now

I got to move on
but I need help
but I am to stupid
to ask for it

well i am sitting here with the knife
desperate, and lonely, i'm gonna end my life
a cut here, a cut there
knife sharp enough to split hair

my body goes slack,
i fall on my back
it looks like an attack,
but it doesn't fade to black

i stop cutting after that attempt
cause i guess my death isn't meant
i meet her and feel wanted
but i am still haunted

from the ghost of my past
how long will this last?
the memories of that hell
the come back, and you can't tell

cause i keep my emotions hid
and bottled and boxed up, and sealed with a lid
i meet her, and its good for awhile
and then it is like being in trial

we break up, and i am alone
to my thoughts that have the same tone,
i am worthless
i am useless

so i am sitting here with this knife
ready to end my pathetic life
if not bound by a promise, blood i would lack,
but now it all fades to black

family, a word i know, but i do not understand,
people have told me family is suppose to be there for you
but what if your "family" does nothing but make you miserable
they make you feel worthless and bring back the memories of suicide
and self torture you do your best to suppress?

What do you do then?

the poems are here
they are filled with doubts
curiosity, and a little fear
the things i think about

the hatred gets funneled into
these poems, the rage as well
my emotions that cause me to brew
the things that cause my chest to swell

and my fists to get balled up
but how come this does not
alleviate my depression
it doesn't absorb the sad thoughts

or the urges to die
the urges to cut my wrists
and the rest of me, the urges to jump,
off the roof, and not fly