I’ve been feeling so much
That only the touch
Of one saint as such
Jesus could save me

I am not religious by any
Means it’s just analogies
It’s funny this feeble
Season that mingles
My feeling so little

Into something less fragile
Like cheese made from milk
Worm ***** and silk
Or whatever there is
That suits up your ships

I’ve been running from feeling
But that’s where the healing
Seems to be found
And I am quite proud
So I’ve been quite loud
In prolonging the frown

And I’ve been holding my foot
On this nail yet no root
Seems to take place
Or some divine grace
To appear by my feet
I guess I must meet

Myself where I am
And grief yesterday
If I can’t alone may
Therapy help me

Or a friend if there’s any

Preferably both

So all this depression
Turns into expression
Not to be rid of
But to feel it belongs
And is safe to be
As long as it needs
And then it will leave

By it’s own volition

But that’s not my mission

For tears are a must
If you ever put trust
In something you believed
And it brought in the grief
Of the hopes dead with it

I will grief it all
Between the ***** and the ****
And the drugs and night outs
And it might take a while
To relearn how to smile

It might take forever
But I won’t know if i never
Get out of my head
And say the word ”help”
Cause I’ll die of regret
If I go like this yet
Never pray that I’ll land
Wherever I'm meant
And take the first step
To where I see life
Forgive all the strife
And become less ****
Myself too with it

Thank God that I lived
With enough honesty
To have something to grief
So passionately
Again, not religious, just using the saying
How else could say that I'm always praying
That I'll see what's tomorrow
Beyond this deep sorrow
And this feeling so hollow
How else to keep faith
To not fall in my grave
When it's all feeling hopeless
And endlessly scopeless

Maybe you can't tell
I am not doing well
I hurt a lot now
Because I somehow
Managed to live
Just how my heart dreamed
And now I landed
So my knees hurt a bit
Bit lost and in need
Of help for a grip
On the kindness I seek
In me, it's not lit
So a lantern would fit
At least a matchstick
IF at all anything

Maybe you can't tell
Ever since I fell
It has been some time
But I know, I'll be fine,
I'll take me a while
To let go of denial
And get through the mire
After all, it's hellfire
I'm learning to feel
But It's all part of grief,
It's all part of life

This Suffering and pain and strife
The stars, the moon, the skies and sun
They're all aspects of this "one"
That this poem calls a God
Or Nirvana, Universe
They are all words wrote in the verse
Of living life through your own lens
There wouldn't be as much suspense
Without the heavier chapters
Sad, or mad or sea or stone
They all beat being monotone

So while it hurts and brings much dread
I do accept that love is dead
In the shape it used to have
And it is not coming back
In my life on the same track

To my surprise it's not that fun
When black holes consume the sun
But something I've come to believe
Is that they don't call it "good grief"
For nothing now...)))
Onwards I row, onwards...
Somehow

_M.

We’ll be asked where we were
When the world was ending
And we’ll say “oh right there! Pretending
It was fine, sitting, watching
Debating online whose fault it was
Never changing things because
Why would I? It didn’t affect me
Look at this wasteland now, I am free
They’re all screaming anyways
This happened because of the gays
So let me be here, never fighting
Standing king over my nothing
King after all, over all I did choose
To stand up for and not abuse
King after all over this world
Who’s forgotten the key word
That maybe would have made me be
King over less misery
All that’s left is scarcity
Cause back when we still had wifi
We used it to televise
Live worldwide a genocide
No-one told me I could have said
Something against until too late
Why didn’t I do a thing
When the first human was killed?
Or the second? Or the fifth?
By the millionth it was worth
Too little.
Yeah tell yourself that
While your sister is beaten and
Your black friend deported
Your mother works with a black eye
And yet you wallow cause your pride
Won’t accept it cannot hide
Behind the pretext that the side
It voted for refused to abide
To crazy things like - empathy
Was too focused on money
Towards what end? Don’t know - beats me
How much pain until you see
It’s up to you to plant the tree
That changes this society
And makes it act differently
You want change well better be it
Because people won’t believe it
When you say ****** is bad
If you turn the other eye
To the clouds when gunshots fly
Instead of running from the trap
Many fell in like a trance
When they were given ignorance
As an option to a change

Who sold them that?
Never bothered to ask
Enough to wonder
How ignorance would fix a ******
I will dare take it a step further
It’s like someone told them it’s better
To not act to avoid regret later
So if a mother’s being shot
As a son you better not
Take a stand against the lot
Who praise bloodshed to the crowd
So the world stands still and watches
As sons **** daughters and the fathers
Left with nothing die as well
Just in a way you can’t tell
From the start
Until the sons take one more shot
Because some son found some power
And the tried to please his father
By bringing death upon another
And then another son would whine
“This book says this land is mine”
And just like that all the world’s leaders
End up being just men-children
With their own rules and battlegrounds
And they got bored of water-guns
So they looked at the ones they lead
Said they should die in our stead
For fights that aren’t event theirs
But we’ll convince them that it is
They’ll listen and we’ll make them pay
For the guns we use to lay
Our neighbour 6 feet under
And if they question our ways
We’ll just say it is the gays
They will believe in such a notion
If we also ban abortion
The less access they have to life
The more they’ll want to blame their strife
On some sort of external power
We’ll just have to guide the hatred
Like aikido, to another
And they’ll just wish the other dead
By nature of the human mind
Born to survive, not to be kind

The world’s fuse is running short
And it won’t stop if you don’t look
Inaction never stopped a fire
It can’t even change a tire
What makes you think this time is special
And that world peace is an exception?

They say till death, defeat is mental
But seems now there’s a new meta
There is no cure for us to find
Because the world lost its **** mind

_M.

There’s asteroids crashing … - down on my heart
Cause the space of my mind too often too loud
Is way overcrowded and evacuating
Painful regrets to my chest where it’s setting
It’s eyes on the so called feelings feeler
Maybe it dies or the thought calms down quicker
Either way it’s a win for this ego so feeble
Who thinks I can’t feel and thus makes me brittle

I’m fighting a war and riding my horse
In a field full of cannons, of course I’m morose
Of course I get heavy with worry and still
Showcase this story so others don’t ****
Themselves over feeling so overwhelmed
That they can’t say even they’re doing okay
Because it has become harder to pretend
Than to share the red sorrow which runs to no end
Here’s a fun one by the time this poem
Will have finished 40 men and women
Will have tried suicide, two also will win
Out of those 40, 30 are men
Never taught ever that feelings are real
And might be worthwhile to be tendered and cared
Never been taught how to feel and not think
Or to ask for help when they are at the brink
Of ending that ice cream and then every thing

There’s gunshots and bombs happening here
And long before any of those dissapear
I’ll have choked on silence and drowned in the fear
That I could’ve been judged if I ever died near
Another one like me and dared ask my kin
To help me not lose myself in the ring
It’s shameful, it’s weak, and not a man thing

We must die strong before we live soft
Then have a kid but not do a whole lot
Go work and then eat and forget all of that
Achieving dreams thing it’s not in your part
Before key realisations, drink, go to bed
Drown in the liquid, do not feel but hide
From the weights put on you by ego and pride
Until it’s too late and the barrel of steel
Is excited to help you push it all to the side
By pushing you down 6 feet underground

You see I’m worried I’ll end up just like them
Although I am quite well intended
I think they were too
So what do I do
When I cannot see a spark coming through
And i know all the quotes already so, boo

How does a man learn about self worth
When as a man I choose bear for what it is worth
How does a man learn to make space and breath
For both himself and a relationship
And how does a man not end up alone
So he won’t be challenged in his catacomb
Tell me how do men even exist
When it’s so hard to see your own therapist
And talk about life like, every two weeks
How do men keep all the made promises
When relationships die and then time changes
And how does man not forget himself
And hold space for his needs and someone else
And has a job and a hobby or two
And then walks his dog in the afternoon
And then is well read and emotional stable
And holds his ground well yet kind of agreeable
And has a happy go lucky relationship and
Get well with his family and all the wishes
The world expects come true but where in all this
Does he even fit except his coffin
Because he did choose to hold it all in
Until no love or hug could make a way through
If I ever grow roses I truly would do
Prefer to be gardener
And not fertiliser
And if I die I would like to see the horizon
And shed tears of joy for having lived right
By my values and morals and having had in sight
Both my dreams and humanity and compassion alright

Many souls believe that to be a man
Means to gain power however you can
But for the sorrow to finally end
For men to be complete and not need to pretend
We must seek to notice what we have ignored
And at once reconnect the heart to its chord

There’s craters down here and they might never heal
But I have been nowhere that has felt so real
And if I seek to live, I must do it from here
Where softness is born and cruelty killed.

Where I don’t hold in, but I guide and I lead
And there is never pressure to follow a script
Cause I am the safety I’ve always needed
So I can be me and feel **** completed.

You left in the dark
I was carrying a torch and I thought you were too
But once you found your peace your morals just grew
Rotten

How foolish not to realize
That it was just a disguise

That one time when you told me:
“Don’t just say your wounds and leave
And leave me all alone in grief
To make sense of all of it,
Better not say anything”

You were not talking to me
I didn’t have that in myself
And NOW I see it more clearly
You were talking to - yourself.

_M

Please just
Notice me
Without me screaming my soul
Out loud
All the time

_M

It’s all become a metaphor
And I can’t stand it no more
Can I feel something tangible
At once?

Can I feel bearable?
Can the distance

Between pain and romance
Stop?

Can time
Take a break

Can I not be late
To work or to
Self actualization

Can I stop growing for a bit
Only cancer never sleeps
Like this.

And I’d rather be cancer free
And eat barbecue ribs.

I’m more of a Gemini anyways
That’s why I talk about the days
I travel

To unravel
The depths of my soul
And learn to release control
To make the world a mirror
So I can see myself clearer

Can I sleep? A bit is enough
To make me less rough

Can I please rest
Because at this point giving my best
Looks like white flags

And I lost the point of the poem anyways

The ******* flag got in my face
But maybe that is the whole point
Maybe that’s how you learn grace
And make life more of a joint
Operation

I don’t need to know everything
About everything or tweak
All because now I can’t sleep
The body maybe’s just adapting
To what the soul is never lacking
Peace, a steady life and love
Because to hate they’re a disease
And if it means I have to cough
The rage out of me
So be it.

_M

If you're like me, lost in it all
Fear not, or do, if you wish, bawl
But heed my words and don't despair
If you know this, hope will prevail

We always return to the call
That lives in the depths of our soul
Like baby ducks on their adventure
To their mother's call, it's nature

And we are part of it.
You will grow and love, can’t skip
The steps of life that hurt a bit
Cause the fastest way is slowly
So be on your way consciously

And you will see the sky is free
To change if you let it be,
And wind will blow both in your face
And in your sails, that is how grace
Is.

_M.