I can't be trusted
No, I can't be trusted
I inhale lies that the
World created
I exhale lies of my own
Destruction
I am two souls
Two flames
Two dreams
And I separate you from me

I'm buried alive
And floating free
Longing to be seen

There sits an ache
A longing
So deep
And reaching so far
That I don't know which direction
it's pulling

East or west
Past or future

I've left pieces in so many places
Each part longing
for it's better half
Having been carelessly
scattered
Along the way

Perhaps this vulnerable sore
Oozing with desire
and hope
Is the message of change
A reminder that
To heal
To become whole
I must collect the pieces
And tend to
Myself

The ache of hope
The ache of change
The ache of something real
The ache of connection
The ache of cracking
And crumbling
And restoration
The ache of beauty
And authenticity
The ache of wanting to live
A real life
Rather than the one
I've sculpted
For show

The dull throbbing
Increases with each day
With each
step
forward
that Isn't
in the direction
Of myself

The pain is a reminder
To take the first step
The one that is only mine
To take

Direction, unknown

It was in those days
That I left everything I knew
Behind
And it was in those days
Peering over the lake of volcanos
That I sensed my first
piece of
peace.

It was in those days that I
stumbled
up the cobblestone hills
No longer accompanied by
family and friends of familiarity

I walked amidst the shadow
Of the universe
I relished it's companionship
It's introduction to the people and experiences
I was meant to encounter

When I was afraid
It pushed me further
Showed me a thing of beauty
Reminded me
What it was to
Truly exist

In those days my heart smiled
Through the loneliness
Through the unknown
Through the broken hearts of a
World forgotten
I saw beauty in the ruins
Felt my body resonate with the
deepest pulse of the universe
and
In those days
I felt whole

My heart is a thousand hands
Grasping
At thin air

My heart is a thousand hands
Pulling
Tweaking
Cupping
Grasping
Kneading
Scratching
Bringing so much life to its core
That it collapses with
Exhaustion

My heart is a thousands hands

My body is a constant contraction
Cutting off all energy
Waiting to meet its ultimate desire
To spur its deepest breath
And an inward flow of life

But what happened
I repeat
to the feeling of
loss
that eats at me now

In this little foreign town I sit
by accident
across from a hotel
where we once stayed

And my heart strings
strike a chord
with unbearable tension

It was so good
wasn't it?
And then I remember
I couldn't be your lover
I was only part way there
most of the time

I fantasized
about not being yours
the freedoms of aloneness
a breath without your scent

How many years I spent
wishing
to have what sits before me
These broken strings
This broken heart
The greatest broken promise

I recall a moment
when the woman
with the great jazz voice
asked me
if I loved him
and I couldn't answer
Even though I know
in some fractured universe
an unshaking love
existed

How many nights
I was tortured
with the shame of knowing
that the love you needed most
was conditional

And for how many years
you sat
in suffocating silence
knowing that to be true
and sacrificing your soul
that it wouldn't be so

In my attempt to shield you
from the pain
I harmed you beyond belief
And now we are
left
with no other choice
but to say goodbye
to the life we had together

In the end
I guess
I just miss my friend