We twisted our necks
Our bodies
We breathed
Together
Alone
In the dampness
Of that space  

I told you then
What had never been said
Before
I told you
That
for once
Each moment
Each encounter
Each step
Seemed to be
Exactly what it was meant
To be

I told you
In this way
I felt
The messages
Of the
Universe

“Maybe”
You said
“It’s because you are
finally beginning
to ask
the
right
questions”

Why do I ache
For what crumbles

Why do I ache
For the
Rough
Touch
Of cement
Disintegrating beneath
Itself

It’s the story I long for
History
Life lived
Heart broken
New layers
New life

Where is the beauty
In my own
Destruction
Where is the
Rebuilding
The splash of color
Where is the
Texture
That brings me back
To myself
To life

Is it in your eyes
In your silence
Or is it in
The stirrings
And the rumbles
Of my gut
As I lie there
Breathing

I long for the
Movement
Of color and texture
Of aliveness
And a new coating
Against
The decaying
Walls of the
Me
I left behind

It was in those days
That I left everything I knew
Behind
And it was in those days
Peering over the lake of volcanos
That I sensed my first
piece of
peace.

It was in those days that I
stumbled
up the cobblestone hills
No longer accompanied by
family and friends of familiarity

I walked amidst the shadow
Of the universe
I relished it's companionship
It's introduction to the people and experiences
I was meant to encounter

When I was afraid
It pushed me further
Showed me a thing of beauty
Reminded me
What it was to
Truly exist

In those days my heart smiled
Through the loneliness
Through the unknown
Through the broken hearts of a
World forgotten
I saw beauty in the ruins
Felt my body resonate with the
deepest pulse of the universe
and
In those days
I felt whole

It was the burden
I couldn’t love

You held it
And I held you

It wasn’t your core
that I finally rejected
It was your
choice
not to let it go

To let me
drown in it’s weight

You aren't here
You keep saying

As if I had a choice

You let me carry
The universe  
and viewed me with disgust
when I
forced the whisper
‘enough’

And then
let it all collapse

The shaming of the world
rasps
in my ear
and fingers wag
with
disapproval

You didn’t care enough
You let it drop
You were supposed to
crush
your
self
trying

Like any good woman
Would

Failure
Failure
Failure
You want me
to believe
Monster
Monster
Monster

And I repeat it
to myself
At the same time that I
lick the wounds
and inch my way
forward

It’s a withered self
that lives with me now
And all the weight
that’s left
is my own

But
I was always
strong
enough
to carry
that

There sits an ache
A longing
So deep
And reaching so far
That I don't know which direction
it's pulling

East or west
Past or future

I've left pieces in so many places
Each part longing
for it's better half
Having been carelessly
scattered
Along the way

Perhaps this vulnerable sore
Oozing with desire
and hope
Is the message of change
A reminder that
To heal
To become whole
I must collect the pieces
And tend to
Myself

The ache of hope
The ache of change
The ache of something real
The ache of connection
The ache of cracking
And crumbling
And restoration
The ache of beauty
And authenticity
The ache of wanting to live
A real life
Rather than the one
I've sculpted
For show

The dull throbbing
Increases with each day
With each
step
forward
that Isn't
in the direction
Of myself

The pain is a reminder
To take the first step
The one that is only mine
To take

Direction, unknown

The universe is tearing through you
He said with stern eyes
Locked with mine
The universe is tearing through you
And I leaned forward
Wondering if it was anger or love that
Radiated from him

The universe has power
Power
Is tearing through me

Why do I feel so weak
If the universe exists
Within me
Clawing
It’s way to light

The universe is tearing through me
And I can’t grab on
Moving
Moving
Moving
I think about these words and I wonder
What is it that he could see
That eludes itself
From me

I’m an idealist
They said
So my heart
Should be
Easily broken

That
I’ll choose to believe
The best in you
For the sake
Of my
True love

Should I let that
Go
To protect
Against pain
Or should I risk
It all
And break myself
One
Kiss
At
A
Time

Pale faced
I spoke the words
That would
Cut

I watched you collapse
Into yourself
Watched your world
Crumble
And I
I felt
A world
Expand

I didn’t know how much I cared
On behalf of you
Looking into your darkness
Wanting to take it away
I see now that I helped
Lead you there
Into your destruction

You are faced with terror now
And I am faced with the joy
and sorrow
Of a chain
Unlinked

There’s a numbness
An aloneness
A shock
A confusion
A fear
All hovering around my body
At once protecting me
and preventing me
from knowing how to move
Beyond each
Next
Step

You believe this is betrayal
Abandonment
I believe this is the greatest act
Of love

Freedom

Can I trust you
The way I’ve trusted
Those
Before
You?

For the first time
The world looks
Like a
Dangerous
Place

The lens shifts
From rosy
To grey

I have
Believed
Something good
About humans
With a complexity that
Shapes each life

And now this
Monochrome
Film
Covers my eyes
And I see something
Plain
And dark
And worth fearing

Do I know you
In my soul
With my intuition
In my gut
Or am I a fool
To believe
That you wouldn’t
Break my heart
That I won’t become
Another song
Another movie
Another shattered being

Is it a right of passage
That I’ve never endured
Perhaps it’s a lesson
I've been waiting  
To understand

Trust
Fear
Hope
Resiliency
Soul
Path
Healing

Where I sit now
Is in between the lenses
The way that
A dreary day
Makes your eyes squint
With cloudy
Overcast
Light

I readjust the glasses
Over and over
Again
Trying to find the
Position
That both
protects me
And let’s me see
With clarity
What lies ahead

Even as the words
Tumbled out
I knew I was lost
As if thoughts
Transformed into
Language
Transport me
Instantly
Into
The last forest
Of my childhood

I am on the brink
Waiting to crumble
Waiting for
The right spirit

To catch me

When I
Collapse

But what happened
I repeat
to the feeling of
loss
that eats at me now

In this little foreign town I sit
by accident
across from a hotel
where we once stayed

And my heart strings
strike a chord
with unbearable tension

It was so good
wasn't it?
And then I remember
I couldn't be your lover
I was only part way there
most of the time

I fantasized
about not being yours
the freedoms of aloneness
a breath without your scent

How many years I spent
wishing
to have what sits before me
These broken strings
This broken heart
The greatest broken promise

I recall a moment
when the woman
with the great jazz voice
asked me
if I loved him
and I couldn't answer
Even though I know
in some fractured universe
an unshaking love
existed

How many nights
I was tortured
with the shame of knowing
that the love you needed most
was conditional

And for how many years
you sat
in suffocating silence
knowing that to be true
and sacrificing your soul
that it wouldn't be so

In my attempt to shield you
from the pain
I harmed you beyond belief
And now we are
left
with no other choice
but to say goodbye
to the life we had together

In the end
I guess
I just miss my friend

I can't be trusted
No, I can't be trusted
I inhale lies that the
World created
I exhale lies of my own
Destruction
I am two souls
Two flames
Two dreams
And I separate you from me

I'm buried alive
And floating free
Longing to be seen

I’ll be ok
Though the earth
Had lost its weight
And I float in space
I’ll be ok

I feel a well of knowing
Waiting to be tapped
Just a spark
For now
Elusive
And untouchable
On this day

But it will grow in time
I’ll be ok

At night
I can hear my heart beat
Over the white noise
It’s a beckoning
An invitation

And it scares me

It reminds me
That I’m alive
But not truly living

Sometimes
When I wake up at night
I walk to the bathroom
And think
This is it
This is what life is
This is what it looks like

It’s the kind of recognition
That vibrates throughout my
Entire body
The darkness
The quiet
The incredible alone

I wonder why in these
Little moments
At night
This realization hits
With such force
Little moments when I have
No control
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose

I wonder why
It’s so hard for
That realization
To strike
When I’m awake
Aware
And have a voice to share

I drown at night
To the sound of my own
Beating heart
And the expansiveness
Of my tiny existence
Afraid
That I’ll miss my chance
To feel this life
While I’m alive

I’ve been here
All night
I’ve been here
All day
The music screams
And the lovers around me
Smile
But I
I am alone
Moving my energy
Toward
Eliminating
The contempt that you poured
Into me

I’m going to backtrack
Again
Smile
Try to say the right words
So you won’t leave
Although I know
In the deepest part of
My heart
That it’s me
Who should be leaving

Why I can’t
Or won’t
Is still a shadowy question
I haven’t found
Courage
To answer

How I reduce myself
For your approval
How my self worth
Has been tangled up in
You
How I let go
Of a me
I thought I knew so well

I suppose it’s because
Without you
I’d be sitting here
Alone
All the lovers around me
Without hope

And hope
I now see
Is how I keep myself
From drowning

You were the first to know
A stranger
I slit open my throat
Shared my voice
And laid it
In front of you
A brick
Whose weight only I had ever known
Until those days

The beauty in you
Kim
Is that you didn’t care
About me
More than
I needed you too

You smiled at me
Laughed with me
Wandered with me
And asked me questions
That I was too
Afraid
To ask
Myself

In you
I discovered the sound
Of my beating heart
Through words
That had long been
Silenced
But never
Forgotten
Only hidden
In the
Folds of my
Loneliness

You okayed me
And let me be true
With a
Soft
Force
That none before you
Had been able
To prove

The beauty in you
Kim
Is that you let me
Be
Human
So I could
Listen to
A me
That wasn’t previously
permitted
To exist

But we sat there also
Didn’t we?
After that first year
In the desert
The worst of my life
The tears could only be softened
By the kernels
That had been touch by
Sun wrinkled
And desperate
Hands

I breathed then
Just for a moment
And waited for the
Next journey
One that would
Ultimately deliver
A darkness
And suffocation
I never could have
Anticipated

We sat in silence
We enjoyed the moments
Of peace

Had you begun to unravel
There
Had I not yet seen your
Fragile heart
Or did I still believe
That I could save you
From yourself
Even then

In this place now
I no longer own the fear
Of your collapse  
As I did
Those 3 years ago
But now
I sit in terror
Alone
And afraid of my own

My heart is a thousand hands
Grasping
At thin air

My heart is a thousand hands
Pulling
Tweaking
Cupping
Grasping
Kneading
Scratching
Bringing so much life to its core
That it collapses with
Exhaustion

My heart is a thousands hands

My body is a constant contraction
Cutting off all energy
Waiting to meet its ultimate desire
To spur its deepest breath
And an inward flow of life

“I signed the papers”
You said
And the next day
I finally
Missed you

Funny how that works

Where did I come from
When did I learn
How to be
And not be
Myself

You called it self care
But you didn't know
I was sacrificing
My peace
For pleasure

They say that it's too
Expensive
Losing peace
But I can't seem to
Let go
Of this beautiful suffering
And magnificent
Betrayal

I am two
Shades of grey
A storm
Looming over myself
Longing for sunshine
But dancing in the rain

You called it self care
Truth
But you didn't know
I'd been
Swimming in a puddle
Of lies

She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
To begin

She whispers
To herself
Wishing that the words
her heart
speaks
Would utter themselves aloud
Without wound

She climbs deeper inside of herself
Turning her heart inside out
Hoping to find
the answer
willing others to see her
Truth
And set her free

She treads
uneasily
Desperately
Seeking equally for the rawness
of the unknown
And the warmth of
What presents itself
Here and now

In a frozen state
She works
She waits
She whines
Waiting for her life
to begin

Though I've drawn a line
In my minds eye
my feet can't seem to find
Momentum
to leap this great divide

Words have already altered
the course
I've narrowed my eyes
and hardened my voice
I've spoken the things I want you to hear
yet I cower
gazing upward
at my imminent choice

A little whisper
Beckons the reveal
And yet
I fight this flight
Terrorized
by the untouched limits
Of my musty appeal

I want to jump
Jump
Jump
Like I've asked you to do
But I don't want to break
Up
Break down
Break me
Break you.

In moments
Impending
We both shall lose

Some days
I can't breathe
My chest caves under the pressure
The things I want
The things I long for
The things I can't reach
Take my breath away

Some days
I cry out
But no one hears
My muffled voice
They prefer the sound of
Gurgling  
Perfection

I think my (real) voice makes people uncomfortable

Some days
I'm angry
(Most days I'm angry)
Because I'm trapped into silence
And I don't trust
My own existence

Some days
I want to ***** up all the lies
I've been told
That I've told
That make up this world I've created
For myself

Expose it all
For the crusty
Musty
Mess
That it is

I'm sure none of us would look

We wouldn't see it for what it is
Instead, we would
mop it up and place it
Neatly
in the trash
I would sanitize myself
Once more
With the hope of
Some day
finally
becoming
What they want

Maybe
some day
I'll find the courage
To do it
anyway

Betrayal
You exclaimed
Believing that it
Was my job
To keep you held
Without
A desire
To hold yourself

I imagine you
Wimpering
And I cringe
At your sadness
And
At my hardened
Heart

How many times
Did I hold you
Thinking that this time
You could move beyond
That you would
Find the way to
Unstick yourself

But movement never happened
You gave me words
A false life
You asked me to love you
But you wouldn’t learn
To love
Yourself
Or me (truly)
In return

And I shrank
Depleted
Lifeless
Without love
To offer

You stole from me
Calling it love
Partnership

But I was alone then
Even beside you
And now
Without me
Near
Loneliness is alive
In you
Too

3/26/18

Bursting with fury
I smile and hide
Walk a straight line
I straddle the divide

I can't be seen by your shallow eyes
You're twisting and pulling
The power of disguise

We are all phonies
Maintaining a lie
We know nothing
Just trying to survive

There is a line
Dividing myself from myself
I am two tormented bodies
Merged intricately into one skin

Trouble is looming

They want out and I am trying to mediate The conflict
They are tired and insecure
They want themself to themselves

And I want it all

I can see the marks on my skin
The stretching and the pulling
And the tearing apart
It cracks and flakes
And I watch me lose my faith
Fragment by fragment

There is a line
It can be felt but not seen
It is hard and bold
And obscured by fantasy

There is a line
That awaits
The tug of acceptance
Once the collision
At long last
Materializes
Into
Something real

I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
That will
Smear this
Illusion
And ****** me
Into
Inescapable
Suffering

I’m going to make you
Speak it out loud
Tell me
That it’s not love you feel
And I’m going to have to walk away

I’m going to say it out loud
I’m going to speak the words
So that I can
Save myself
From the torment
of wondering
Night
After
Night
Whether or not
With you
I am alone

I'm awake now
Alert to
Chaos
Created in vain

Eyes wide shut
Gazing
Into the constriction
And expansion
Of days
Just ahead

Veiled in the crust
Of a half lived life
Bleary eyed
I stumble forward
Creaking bones
Limbs numb

Searching in darkness
afraid of the light

Was I numb then
Or is that what it felt like
To be alive

Is this daily routine
What my life is all about
Or was that instant
The true reveal

Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth
I've been seeking
All along

I expected pain and sadness
But I got peace
I spoke my truth
And it hurt everyone but myself

For no relevant reason
The man with the beautiful eyes whispered
It's an illusion
As we ate our cashews side by side

I wonder about that exchange
About illusion
A false sense of reality
A misunderstanding
A lie

How do I know
What truth is
If I can't trust myself

Was it a moment in time
A glimpse of an ideal
Or was it the truth I was seeking

I wrestle with those ice blue eyes
That spoke without hesitation
I have to wonder
Which illusion
I will ultimately choose
to believe

You ripped me open
And branded me
With a new sense
Of what it meant to be
A me

The harder I fell
The more I longed
To be free
Of the chains
That kept me afloat

Wading in my world
Unknown to me and yet
Bound by my own creation
I cried for freedom
And built walls to shelter
The agony
Of desire

Forcefully
And tenderly
You ripped me open
Exposing me
Marking me
Letting me betray
The me
I meant to be