Blood boiled in every vain,
Like a flicker in every flame.
Tears streaming from my eyes,
'Cause my life is built on lies.
Overpowered by my fears,
So I kept quiet for many years.
The secrets tore me up inside.
With a twisted mind and arms atied
They took their turns,
So I buried the burns.
I grew up thinking it was my fault.
My fault for every ****, and every assault.
Those dark memories still haunt my brain,
And still I feel I'm the one to blame.
Every night I lie awake,
Wondering how much I can take.
If only someone would have listened,
To the screams and to the pleads.
Maybe I could have ended it all,
And still be able to stand tall.
But I can't take it ant longer,
They say you can't hurt me anymore,
But I'm not so sure,
But tonight enough, is enough,
You can no longer hurt me..

The pain grew and grew,
And I began to experience suicidal thoughts,
I realized that life for me,
Was at a desperate impasse,
I thought of the garage,
Of a place where I might sit in the car,
And inhale carbon monoxide,
I'd look at the rafters,
In the attic and think,
Of them as places where,
I might hang myself,
I look at sharp objects,
As being implements,
For my wrist.

so..
I guess,
I'm about to get jumped,
But i deserve the beatings i get..

Last night,
I was going to end it all,
But when you said those words,
"Baby I love you"
I broke into tears,
I feel broken,
Like my chest is empty,
And it's closing up,
But when I'm with you I feel,
Like everything is okay again,
The words,
"we are getting worse and worse and we will end up braking up"
It broke me,
I lost all hope,
And gave up,
6 days and it makes 5 months,
Why give up now,
If we think about it they didn't want us together at the beginning either,
Last night,
I told you I couldn't make it through the night,
But you said you knew I could,
That's the first time I have ever heard that,
It made me smile when I was in tears,
Last night,
You had to get off the phone,
When we hung up,
I went straight to bed,
But I didn't sleep,
I couldn't find out why,
But this morning,
I realized the only thing on my mind last night,
Was you and why I couldn't loose you,
Yes, today I seem a little weird,
But, I still feel empty,
And like my chest is closing,
And Today I can't seem to come back to reality,
And it hurts,
So don't take what I say today,
As I am being a *****,
Because I can't even seem to know where or what I am doing today..
Just know I love you..

do I
eat breakfast
or starve myself
again? tonight
i will write my
suicide note
but only in
in my head
tomorrow i
will wish
i was already
dead, and despite
all this i will still
will get myself out of bed.

Only if you knew,
If you knew how much I want to be friends,
Be friends with that silver beast,
That silver beast tonight,
Tonight just a few slits,
Slits on my wrist,
My wrist, to my thigh,
Just from my thigh to my sides,
On my sides, Up and Down,
From up and down,
To side to side,
Only if you knew,
If you knew how much I want,
I want to be friends,
Be friends with that silver beast tonight,
Tonight is the night just a few slits,
A few slits on my wrist, To my thighs,
From my thighs to my sides...
Only if you knew..

When she has too get off the phone,
And your world crashes,
Because honestly all you want to hear,
Is her voice,
ugh..

As I lie in my bed,
Your name's running through my head.
All I can think of is you
And all that you do.
The way you look at me.
I feel as if I'm in a dream.
The blue sky
Reminds me of your eyes
Which gives me butterflies.
You have brightened my life
With that beautiful smile.
No longer are my days a trial.
Your touch is like heaven,
Upon my young skin.
If only you knew
That what I say is true
I would do anything just to be with you.
Hand to hand, palm to palm
Just hold me in your arms,
I love you with all my heart
'Till the very day it falls apart.
I may be young,
But my heart is strong.
I know what love is
It's my name and hers.
You make all the problems float away
No matter how was my day.
I love our heart to heart chats
When our beats connect,
And when my head starts to fade back
From when the blue sky
Turns sacred black.

I don't want to live anymore.

Pain pain go away!
Please do not come back another day.
Tears falling down my face
oh how I wish for his warm embrace.
Wonder if he cares about me.
Wonder if this is supposed to be.
How can he stand there and break my heart
How did we allow us to grow so far apart?
My dreams of us being happy is not going to come true
all I am feeling is down and blue.
Pain pain go away
bring me back to another day
where he loved me and
Were we laughed and cared,
I will not stop loving you that much is true
but I will be stronger in time
and not feel so blue.
you will always be in my heart
even when we are apart.
One day I will have that warm embrace
and tears will stop flowing down my face.
Pain pain go away
leave me alone and do not stay

In time,
Things come
Things go

With love,
Leaves fall
Leaves grow

The morals of life,
Have no beginning
Though it seems the trials
That we face,
Have no ending

Words said to hurt,
With thoughts made to
****
The only way to express
a pain that I feel

Just let it go..

I want you,
I need you,
And I want you to see that,
**** it,
The thought of loosing you makes me want to **** myself,
I've attempted,
Don't you remember?
Don't you see?
I can't say it anymore then what I have,
I need you,
I want you,
I'm your girlfriend,
I'm suppose to know,
I'm suppose to care,
I don't know if you have ever had one that does,
But I do..
And I'm here to stay,
So get use to it,
I should  be the one you come to,
I don't know what is wrong,
I don't know how else to say,
I need you,
I want you,
I want you to be the one I marry,
I want you to be the one I have kids with,
And get my life right,
And all that ****,
But you simply don't see that,
It's like it is all blind to you,
And it kills me..
So More like If  you leave take this as my,
Goodbye note,
Love you.
D
O
N
**E

inside I'm crying
outside I'm smiling
no one notices
but its hard for me to control this
when you see me walk by
it doesn't look like it but I want to die
thoughts racing through my head
then comes the tears that I shed
how can I change
all the tears and rage
you say you understand
and all I need is a helping hand
that may be true
but first take a walk in my shoes
sadness, angers, and unbearable pain
you'll be taking a walk full of nothing but shame
as time moves slower
my self-esteem gets lower
am I nothing to this world
or am I just a worthless teenage girl?

"I Love Her But I Don't Want To Talk About It"

Around 10:28 on January 15, 2015
I got that call,
The call I never had thought,
Committed suicide,
Eight years of age?
You had so much to live for,
Your aunt here to morn over your death,
I have broken in less then 24 hours?
I don't want to be here without you,
Last night it made two of us not sleeping,
I know you didn't leave to hurt me,
But why didn't you just stay,
I need you here,
I love you,
I miss you,
I care for you,
I want you here,
Come back,
Don't leave me in this hell whole alone,
I miss you,
Please watch over me,
Malicah I hope you're okay?

To know your heart stopped beating,
Just about four months ago,
my heart broke in two,
to know that,
there won't be another,
one like you.

It's so much easier
to act like none of this matters
and pretend to wear a smile
then to confess
my heart is nearly broken
and you have won

Your smile.
    Your eyes,
       Your lips,
         Your hair,
           Your voice,
             Your laugh,
               Your hands,
                 Your smirk,
                   Your teasing,
                     Your humor,
                       Your weird faces,
                         The way you walk,
                           The way you say my name,
                             The way you look,
                               The way you talk,
                                 Your singing,
                                   Your body,
                                     *You

School makes me sick,
You get up and get dressed,
In the clothes you think someone there will like,
You get up and do your makeup,
So people say you're pretty,
But that's not you,
That's you're makeup,
School makes me sick,
You get up and do you're hair,
Hoping someone will realize it looks different,
School makes me sick,
You don't  eat because no one can see you,
You have to hide your cuts,
Who and what you love,
School makes me sick,
Popular people,
Lame people,
Rich people,
Poor people,
Freaks,
Cute people,
School makes me sick.

I walk the face of earth once more,
a mindless puppet, my strings are torn.
the creaky bones, the bad eyesight,
yet the chance to turn wrong to right.
wars-a-waging, old mans guilt,
the worlds now on more then just a tilt.
parents weeping, children slain,
****** thoughts, fear will reign.
I look in the shadows, a creature did lurk,
he whispered to me, hiding a smirk.
"Thou shalt be killed if thee can't find,
the demon lurking in thou mind."
So off I ventured, to quench my thirst,
of corpses piled with hearts-a-burst.
And on that quest what did I see?

I'd rather be in bed away from the world..

Everyday around quarter past three,
you burst into the bathroom searching for me,
I get hidden by your mother while you are away,
hidden, unused for most of the day,
I feel your anger as your hand grips me tight,
I'm the one & only thing that helps you sleep at night,
I live to put scars upon your wrist,
I leave my mark I'm proud of this,
I watch as the beautiful red blood pattern drips,
and runs off the ends of your fingertips,
what possesses humans to act like this,
to scream, cry & cut their wrists,
but for now my job is clear
the reason that I was brought here
to relieve the pain
to sit by the window and watch the rain,
up until around quarter past three
when you burst into the bathroom searching for me...

The cold icy blade,
running across my skin,
Sending chills down my spine.
Crimson blood running down my wrist,
Dripping down drop by drop to the sink below me.
I feel calm, and in control.
The devil inside me has taken my soul.
The blade doing it's job one time, two times, three and more.
My vision goes blurry, the room goes dark, my heart pounds faster.
I wake up the next day groggy, confused.
People pounding on the bathroom door.
My brain pounding in my head.
I put on my best face,
Because they can't know,
They won't know.
I'll find an excuse, for everything.
And their world will be fine.
No matter if mine is a living hell.
they'll never know. Until it's to late.

Today Is the day,
My monster is released,
The silver beast,
Yet to believe you were once part of me,
Your love I still bare,
But yet, was it love?
I have scars,
That **** loved ones,
So was it really love that I bare?
Today is the day I am finally free,
From the silver beast,
That cut parts of me,
There for my silver beast,
Is yet released..

Put a smile on your face,
You're always looking so sad,
It makes everyone around you,
Sad as well,
but
Instead of that,
Why not say,
Why do you look so sad,
Is something wrong,
Do you want to talk,
Are you okay,
A smile looks good on you,
Try it out beautiful?
Not always about you and other people,
Because just what you don't know is that,
They could be hiding so much more then just that smile,
That you claim you never see,

Anger is bubbling away at me,
Burning a whole in my heart,
Making me burn with rage,
I have good reason to be angry.
I only wish,
I could make them pay,
Put them through,
What they did to me.
Anger is destroying me,
For I’m hell bent on revenge,
I would love to dish out,
My own justice,
But I cant.
Anger Bubbles away.
Like a swishing sound,
Of the waves,
Like a brook babbles,
Anger takes a hold

Why are you so depressed?*
I don't know.
maybe because at 4 am.
I'm alone.
maybe because this world.
is so ******* cruel.
maybe its just because.
I'm so tired of living.

I know this is a place for poems,
but I just wanted to let you know,
i wont be on for a while,
I'm going out of state,
To visit,
And get my life back on track,
And yes, when I leave I am getting help,
I have to go talk too someone,
And get all new meds.
Ill be back,
I'm not up and leaving.
That''s a promise,
So from the 25 of this month to the 3rd of next month I wont be on.

So many lies,



                                     The truth?
                                                      
            
                                                                  It don't even matter anymore.

I slit my wrist to erase the pain,
you look at me, and think I'm insane,
my eyes turn red, bleeding my tears,
and still you try to protect me from my worst fears.
Look at my scars then you will see,
why I can't seem to go around and fake happy,
yet you tell me you love me, that you'll forget,
for I'll soon be gone, and I'll be your greatest regret.
So let me die, broken and scarred,
I can't deal with life, it's getting far to hard,
everything's gone wrong, it's not worth trying,
so leave me alone because I feel like I'm dying,
I don't want you to worry,
because my life is ending in a hurry,
I'll be fine, and happy you see,
for death is what I wished for and soon it will be.

Eat dinner,
Smile,
Yeah its great,
Go to your room,
Go to the bathroom,
Run the water because your washing your face,
And as you shove your fingers down your throat you cry,
When everything you ate comes up,
And your body feels okay again,
Walk out like nothing happened in smile,
**relapse

i know this is a place for poems, but I need to let this out. I am over whelmed and I don't want to be here anymore, and o its not just her. It ls everything. And I simply just am giving up..

I guess since I have been broke many,
Many times before,
I can feel when my world is about to,
Crumble and go to ****,
And tonight is the night,
Just great,
I don't even care about anything anymore,
So If you ask me anything more then likely you will get,
"I dont care anymore" take it how you want,
I'm done,
**** this,
I think the silver beast is going to be my best friend,
&& I have only made it four days clean..

So  I was seven days clean,
But that all went down in flames,
And so did mine and your forever's,
But it's all okay,
Because I just painted a really big picture,
Anywhere I could tonight,
And I really miss you,
Like You don't even know,
I put so much strength and fight,
That I didn't have in for you,
And I guess yet,
I still wasn't enough,
But it's okay,
Because I'll cry tonight until my eyes bleed,
Holding "our" jacket,
And wonder why I was so stupid,
It's okay,
I hear you voice and I brake,
But tomorrow I will put the mask on,
See you and pretend,
That I'm fine,
Sleep in the same area as you,
And feel nothing right?
THAT'S NOT ******* POSSIBLE!
But I will have to pretend it is huh?
But it's okay because,
I'll come home after my "great" time,
And come cry in my bed,
You know I would say no I'm not coming,
But, I promised,
And I yet to this very second still love you with everything,
So I want to see your face,
But as I picture it,
It brakes me..
But yet know,
I didn't cut over you,
I cut because I,
Lost the most amazing thing..

Leave,
Stay,
Leave,
Stay,
Leave,
Stay,
Happy,
Sad,
Happy,
Sad,
I don't ******* know anymore you do it, it'll be easier..

You cannot possibly
IMAGINE
exactly
HOW MUCH
I
hate myself

Ohh me I fall in love with you everyday.