Last time I ate: Yesterday around 12:30
Last time I cut: Two days ago.
Last time I purged: Two days ago.

My eyes close
I'm holding onto
my memories
and hatred.
my slumber
all alone in my head...
so silent.

I can't explain the way
my tears run blood along my veins
if I let go of my pain
I'll cease to be, give into the plague...

war is coming,
I can hear it in my heart
blood will flow
along the grounds of the innocent,
I can't deceive
the darkness anymore...
I'm letting go, I'm losing control of myself...

you beat me down,
so low and now
I'm crying my soul
I'm losing control.
you led me to
a place where I
can't feel my face...

death is just an anesthetic
for what's to come
a body left behind with no face
feeling numb
all alone I cry here
fading into nothing
all alone I lie here
dying...

...losing myself...

Will you still love me,
When its three in the morning,
And I'm crying so hard I can't breathe?

Will you still love me,
When I coat pillows in mascara and eyeliner?

Will  you still love me?
When I shut you out,
And won't explain to you why,
Because I don't want to bring you down?

Will you still love me,
When I can't handle being strong,
And I find relief in razors,
Instead of your arms?

Sometimes,
It's better to keep silent,
Than to tell others what you feel,
Because,
It hurts badly when you come to know that,
They can hear you,
But can not understand.

so sick,
so angry,
so mad,
and too top it off no one even knows that.

Mind telling me,
You're fat,
You're simply  ugly,
You're not enough,
Give up,
Stomach telling me,
Feed me,
It's been days,
Throat telling me,
I'm in pain,
Stop bringing everything back up,
Iron telling me,
I'm very low,
Take care of me,
You're slipping away,
Heart telling me,
She is the one,
Stay for her,
But I've been hurt so much,
Blade telling me,
End it all now,
Doesn't it feel good,
Starving,
Pain,
Broken,
In love,
Confused,
Stay Or go?

No one knows how I honestly feel,
Because I cant bring myself to tell them.

Everything is coming together,
You are gone because,
Because of me,
I killed you,
And you were eight,
You would of never known,
If I didn't act so stupid,
You are gone because,
Because of me,
And now,
Now your mom,
Your mom is going to,
You are gone because,
Because of me..

Sometimes,
I think about all that I have done
and gone through
that no one even knows about
and I get sad thinking that
no one will ever know
about all these things that
make me, me
but then I think
maybe its best that these things
die with me
maybe that's not such
a bad thing..

Didn't you know?
Its all because of me,
It's all my fault,
I hurt you,
I hurt them,
I hurt me,
Didn't you know?
It's all because of me,
It's all my fault..

Today I have smiled,
Smiled more then ever,
My family is all getting along,
And I'm happy with the way I look for now,
I'm seeing a few old friends,
My girl is going to be able to see me soon,
My life is turning right side up for once.
Just a few more things I need to get right.

Am I alive or am I dead?
My greatest regrets repeating in my head.
Feeling so empty and cold,
Like a puddle of my own blood,
Forming the Silhouette of a mold.
Wondering if I'll ever be missed?
Trapped in my own darkness..
Lost to the lucidity of my mind.
The depression, a war in time.
Counting down the days left in my life line.
Lost in all these sill rhymes,
Trying to breathe, but no longer living,
Lost all hope.
Lost all meaning.
Confused with what is real.
Saying grace at my last meal.
Counting down the seconds till death.
Watching in hell as they put me to rest.

This coming Tuesday,
I'm going to brake all over again,
You could be turning 15,
But you left,
You are gone,
So to..your grave,
I go this weekend,
To let my tears fall on you...

Do you see how you have helped me,
Once before I can remember running home after school,
Just to see my Blade,
And to see the fresh wounds,
And Red trails everywhere,
Yet today I'm clean,
And I smile,
For you,
I'm going through hell,
Yet I'm here because I can't see myself without you my dear.

There it is. My favorite thing of all this,
Ah the feeling of pain is gone from before and new form entered me.
Laying here waiting for you to come home.
I open my eyes and see flashes of you and me from before you went.
You walk inside.
You call to me and wait for an answer.
You hear small light breaths coming from the bathroom.
Thinking it is me, you walk down the hall with a smile.
The kind that makes your knees go weak.
You walk in, oh god, is all you can think.
I'm trying to look up at you but I can't move.
A cold chill comes comes over me as you pick me up.
You say we are going to the hospital and that everything will be okay.
You rush me in.
Blood running down
The nursen rushes you to a bed so I can lay down.
I can hear you asking her something.
But I can't make the words out.
I feel something cold and wet touch me face then my arm.
I feel the ***** of a sharp object go in my right arm.
And a band-aid go around and around.
After I slept for two days they let you in.
I can move again and open my eyes.
You say that I got 76 stitches because the cuts were way to deep,
And that I almost died.
I pull off the band-aid and look.
I see I over 20 cuts and begin to cry.
You tell me its okay, and we will get some help.
About five years from now..
We have two to deal with ourselves.
A beautiful baby boy and baby girl?
Jake and Emma.
The scars are still there
Sometimes I wish I could go back..

I broke,
I'm now 0 days clean,
Up my thighs..
Why can't I just die..

I tried to recover.


I tried to get better.


But somewhere along the line something went wrong.


I fell apart again.


I lost again.

Holding out these empty arms
Cursing my disillusionment
Why did I imagine it could be any other way
that I could have been content, dreams that's all it was,
Mothers arms are not meant to be empty
I look up at the sky, tears filling my eyes,
Searching the stars trying to find my angel
The brightest star I search for
Finding it the first tear rolls down my cheek
Memories flood back of our short time together
Love totally encasing my heart as I look at that star
I know you are there baby I will never forget
I just can't come to accept as I look that you are so far
I would have cuddled and loved you kept you safe
Within my arms holding you in a tight embrace
I will search these skies for you each night
But just for now have to leave you in Gods guiding light
Sleep well my baby one day my arms and heart will be full again
As I join you and give you all that was meant to be

People call me stupid,
And that I never learn,
But if that was  true,
I wouldn't feel so right,
Having you to call mine,
So,
Lets not put me down,
When I am Finally happy.

And i bet you didn't know,
That she cries herself to sleep EVERY,
night thinking of you,
Replaying everything you ever said,
Everything you ever did,
And wondering where she went wrong.

The days without you are lonely,
The nights without you are cold,
But even though you are gone now
That burning passion will never grow old.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night ,
Just knowing that you are gone, but it makes
Me feel better knowing that you are peacefully at Home.
Your body lays at rest now,
It's Harder than I thought,
Just knowing you are
Gone for good, and thinking it's all my fault.
Time will have to take its course now,
For There's nothing left to do.
Just always remember that I still care and that I will
Forever love you.

Forever, isn't as long,
Life is a struggle,
But you promised,
And now you're gone,
There was so much you'll miss,
Did you forget about me?
How we were suppose to,
Fight with every ounce,
Forever, isn't as long,
What happened?
Would you miss me?
Please tell me,
Where you here all along,
Or was it just me?
Forever, isn't as long,
And now I've been here along,
Why did you leave,
Did I do something wrong?
Left here all alone,
I need you here,
Forever,isn't as long,
If what you said was true,
Could I live here without you,
Forever**, isn't as long,
And now I'm here all alone,
Or have I been along?

H:  Hold
O:  On
P:  Pain
E**:  Ends..

Tomorrow..
I'm braking all over again,
Crying my eyes out,
Crying to sleep,
Tomorrow,
Not feeling alive,
Because I realize,
Where are you?
Not here living,
With me,
Devin,
Why did you leave,
I can't take this pain,
I'm braking,
Ugh..

I need to just stop,
Get my life together,
And stop hurting people..

"I'm fine"
When people say no you are not,
Then just walk away,
Thank you for letting me know,
I'm even more worthless for not hiding it,
With one of those fake smiles,
But thanks?
I didn't know I was dying inside.

You can scream but no one hears you,
As you sit and mock in disdain,
The blood seeps down your arm
As your crying out loud in pain,

The broken glass beside the bath,
The water turning red,
Laying down in a ****** puddle,
Trying to rest your head.

You can hear your family laugh
As you say your last words
Feeling as high as the sky,
Flying away with the birds..

The pain is going away now
And you can't help but hear
You're mum crying next to you..
In hurt and fear.

You try to speak,
But nothing comes out...
You know your going away
You're never going to live with doubt.

As you feel death coming near
You hear her say "I love you"
As you slip in to a permanent sleep
You reply with I love you too...

And hey darling
           I hope you're good tonight
                     And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
                                 Yeah I want it but no I don't need it
                                         Tell me something sweet to get me by
                                               Cause I can't come back home till they're singing

                                                              La, la la la la la la
                                                                   'Til everyone is singing

Nothing matters, But somehow you did, and always will. <3

Like an apple that has fallen from our tree,
my soul is rotting and I've taken you down with me.
Deep in the emotions of my misery
are the feelings that cannot ever seem to be set free.
You could say others have had it worse than me,
but until you take a few steps in the worn out path of my misery,
with the burdens I've carried, only then can you unravel my mystery.
If only to stumble on shards of glass,
only then to empathize the pain that I stash.
The scars always there never to vanish,
never to be repaired.
The physical pain may have vanquished,
but the emotional pain will always lay stagnant in our mind,
Always to remind us of our broken home.
The pain we endured through our childhood
made permanent cracks in the building blocks of our foundation.
Leaving the ones who've moved into our life
to mend the cracks with their love,
to suffer the sometimes bitterness that was left behind,
forever in our minds

Your just time wasted to me,
and that's all you'll ever be.
So leave me alone and spare the
guilt trip, I'm over it.

I don't wanna cry anymore,
I wanna be happier and on my own.
Cause you've caused me so much pain,
that i never wanna feel your touch,
hear your voice, or see you.

You lied and lied, i don't think i can
trust you ever again.
It's through and over with,
so i'm moving on.
Maybe you should also.
The pain is behind us now
i can go on and live my life
and be happy.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you!

I think they do it to toy with me,
They haven't said,
Anything about it,
And is all happy,
Its going by well,
Why say anything,
I'll just keep quiet,
Thank god!

I'm longing for some food, but no I must resist
Pull my hands away, yes I havent eaten yet
Starve my fat away, surely this will work,
Is this honestly the thinnest I will get

I stare at the food, But I know I must leave it
For in the end, I will be beautiful, and thin
So I sit, getting energy from my other addictions
This is a cleansing path, without food, without sin

Never thought I would do this, I'm too strong I said
But now as my fingers plunge down my throat, I am wrong
But I am going to lose weight, if it kills me
Another day without a meal, shows I am strong.

...Family has finally gave up on me.
I'm seven days clean from cutting,
Haven't ate in 3 days..
And cry myself to sleep..
Sorry, its just me.

As I lay here,
And think about all the times,
I ****** up,
Did you wrong,
Made you cry,
Made you feel worthless,
Failed,
Hurt,
Let down,
Yeah, Im worthless...

Why pretend?
Everyone always ask,
Why pretend?
So here is your answer,
Through out my childhood,
I was taught what happens today,
Happens today,
Don't bring it up tomorrow,
Because its a new day,
Don't cry you're too old,
Move on,
I'll take you to therapy,
Then you won't cut,
No.
I'm sorry but no.
Therapy doesn't help,
And neither does you judging me,
You will be okay,
Smile,
It's not hard,
Smile,
Even if you're not happy,
I'll be back in a few weeks,
Okay.
Freaking out as I lock the door home alone,
But,
She is my mother,
The one that birthed me,
I love her,
I'm who I am today,
Because of her,
So that's why I pretend,
Because the world don't care,
And you don't either so,
Stop saying you do.

The darkness surrounds me
It's getting so cold
I'm all alone
With no one to hold

My world is so empty
All what's left is pain
No sunshine to light my way
Just never ending rain

I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying

As I walk through life,
I look at all I have done.
I had wandered aimlessly,
And wondered what I have become.

I have been through so much,
It is amazing I made it through.
The lessons I have learned
I am shocked I pulled through.

The times I wondered
What life was all about.
The trials experienced in life,
Can make all the good come out.

We try to make it day by day.
Remembering what we were taught.
Just remember some time to pray,
It is important,
We need it every day.

Life can be short.
Unexpected at that.
We try to take its punches,
Just hoping it won't break our back.

Remember who you are,
Who you want to become.
Everything will fall into place,
When the time comes.

Don't forget I love you's,
Every chance you get.
The time may be short,
There is no time to regret.

Life can be exciting,
As we all have found out.
Eventful, even busy
There is no time to be left out.

Remember who you are,
And who you want to become.
The time can be short
Don't leave things undone.

Remember your families,
They are the only ones you've got.
To carry you in times of need
They can not be bought.

Remember they love you,
Either here or there.
They will always be with us.
Help for things to bear.

As tears run down her face,
she realized she's made a mistake.
An utter suffocation,
she's trying to hold on.
But the pain,
the pain's to strong.
The bloods running down her wrist
Her eyes are going shut
but she's trying to hold on
while voices in her head are saying something is going wrong.
She doesn't know where she is or even why she did it.
It started with a razor and a few little cuts.
But became addictive and she cut to much.
Now she's laying on her bed,
wishing she could go back.
As the world disappears and everything goes black.

I just got a text,
They know,
What will it be like when I get home,
I'm scared,
I don't want to go home,
I might not..
I can't take it,
I don't need it,
Sorry