They say I am not me
Then who am I ?
They tell me to take the shoes from off my feet,
And throw them away

They ask me what I am wearing
I know they are mocking me
“Why is your hair in braids?”
“You are not the right shade”

They tell me to go wash my makeup off
That I can’t wear too much on my face
They tell me that’s not how a white girls suppose to dress
They tell me to act my race

They tell me to stop talking how I talk
Don’t I talk how everyone talks ?
Don’t I walk how everyone walks ?

They are trying to lock me in a box
Throw away the key that makes me,
Me
They try to make me change to fit in with society

They are creating my anxiety
Forcing my insobriety
An impropriety to my surroundings

So I won’t wear my ***** “white girl” hair out
I wont check out “American Indian” on my applications
“My skin is white”
“It’s too light”
So I can’t check my race ? Right ?

Society will be the destruction of my soul
A tsunami that gets drained by a black hole,
Whole
Another soul wasted,
The word “variety” with no meaning
Judgement with no ending

Was that too straight forward?
Was that not okay to say?
Why pay attention to your words when u can just pray it away
But praying does not fix it and make it okay

I’m lost in the dark
Cold
Shivering
And nobody is trying to find me
I’m alone
All alone
I’m trying to help myself but I can’t

MOVE!
But I can’t remember how
I’ve been here before
But now
It’s permanent
MONTHS
I have been here
Weak
Not able to get up
JUST GET UP AND RUN!
But I can’t..
Why can’t I run ?
CAN’T I REMEMBER HOW TO RUN?!?

I want to lay in that red grass
That you put in my head
That feels like soft feathers
OH the feeling of joy that I bled
I want to see that beautiful red tree
That I see in my visions
Different shades of glowing reds
That for 5 seconds
I could see my place in heaven
where I never felt misled
If only I could show it to you
But god put it in my head
I feel like I’ve been there before
A piece of a story that has been unread
I want to hear those shiny red diamond birds chirping
I wish you could hear it too
If only you could enter my head
You could see the placement of the view
But my heads a dark place
A place you don’t want to stay in
And when I’ve had enough
I go back to that world full of red
I always thought that red meant evil
But these reds made me feel happy
And I believe one day I’ll go back
To a place where my heart and mind will never ever again
Be misled

If you knew me you'd know my favorite color is red
like a rose
If you knew me you'd know that I am a huge sweet tooth
But I never want anyone to know
If you knew me you would know that I act tough
knowing that I am even more sensitive
You’d know that I over think
ALMOST everything
If you knew me you'd know I cry more times when I am mad
If you knew me you'd know I should have died when I was 8
Which made my mom very sad
You'd know I have a 6 inch scar on my stomach
And under my arm
You'd know I've never known what a father feels like
but sometimes that makes me sad
You'd know I use to have Bulimia because I was fat
because I felt fat
Because I was called fat
If you knew me you'd know my dad is gay
If you knew me you'd know that I was judged my whole life
by someone who was judged their whole life
and that affected me
even though he wasn’t there so much
If you knew me you'd know I hate being called dumb
You’d know that I have a lot of insecurities and I think people see them
My brain hates knowing they are there
and if you knew me
You’d know I’m scared of being alone
because everyone always leaves me
You’d know that when I’m in public
I think everyone is watching
So I get nervous
Because I am an imperfect person

God I know it’s gotten dark in here
I know I turned off my light
I can’t seem to see you anymore
And that’s utterly my fault
I gave up the fight

God I know that I have sinned
And I know that you aren’t proud
I convinced myself
“I am just trying to live right now”
For this I am sorry
I neglected the one person I have always vowed

God It’s gotten lonely all by myself
And I need you to help me find my way out
So show me what to do God
I love you
I love you
without a doubt

Sometimes I break my own heart
Expecting better
Giving all of my self in a moment
and expecting more