When you don't get in touch with your inner self,
You lose touch of yourself.

So I never thought I would be writing this...I have recently had some amazing conversations with some inspirational people; who have all helped me to see where I have gone wrong recently:and trust me I have gone wrong a lot.....

Depression......what a word...I dont want that word near me;but its what I have been. Its an illness in the most complex ***** of the body that affects every aspect of you....sleep, food, ability to communicate effectively, or not communicate at all feeling fear of some thing and not quite sure what it is you may be fearing...There are feelings of anger, It's so strange, confusing, lonely, enlightening, interesting, challenging, reminiscent, sad, ashaming, happy although most of all thoughtful and thankful.

Its an illness that one in three of us suffer from. I actually believe that every one does, although people have different coping mechanisms. This is what I am learning about myself and others at the moment. Anyway...back to that word DEPRESSION....I have just written that in capitals for some reason, its like the ******* word - lol....For me it should be called realisation...my depression has been about change and managing this effectively and some times not so effectively....I have experienced change in who I am...peoples perception of me, and in every realtionship in my life there has been some adjusting....it been an interesting journey.

My angels...my friends and family....they are like diamonds in the sky...They have been there through this hard journey and I know it has not been easy for any of us....thank you for still loving me and continuing to understand me when I know at times you have wondered where the strong, open, bubbly fun JC has gone. And I know I have propably cause you a lot of frustration on the way, I know I have as I have caused myself some...lol.

I understand that and appriciate each and every one of you...thank you for your advice, smiles, for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry...I never knew humans could cry so many tears. You have picked me up when I was struggling and each in your individual ways and have carried me forwards...some times I have not recognise the impact of your words or actions for months...but suddenly some thing clicks...

I have been to some dark places recently and you have supported me and loved me...so for that my diamonds I will be eternally grateful.....

Some diamonds have been light and powerful and some have been heavy and wonderful.

The relentless education machine
***** in working class heroes
and churns our middle-class drones.
How willingly they fall in line
to register for that course,
unaware that getting an 'A'
in conformity leads directly
to an 'F' in satisfaction
and a life on the treadmill
to emptiness or nowhere at all.
Become a contrarian anarchist!
Jump off while there's still time.
Run for your life while you
still have one and it's still yours.

A little note with so much to note
A small amount of time,
Felt like a lifetime
Could have been an eternity
Grown, and by no means alone

Before
A year of starkless loss,
Dark and crippled
Crippled by the loss
Loss of confidence
Loss of consciousness
Anonymous to all tht surround

I start,
Feel part of the heart
You guys,
Wonderful people
From the start
Built me up
Made me believe
And see

Support work
Like art work
Fireworks and beyond

Beyond a job,
its in your blood
Beautiful souls
Full of smiles
Ears to listen
Hands to help
Arms to embrace
All to contain
To take the pain away

Unique
Beautiful team

I admire all of you so very much
Inspired me
Bought me back
into touch

A company that employs a special kind
So loving
Giving
Knowledgeable in signs
Nothing is too much
Your the beautiful kind

The university of life
We all travel through
I feel blessed to have shared a seminar
or two
with you.

My mind has been astray
Thinking about pure
Distorted
Faith

Feeling betrayed
The pain
Suffocates
I cry in physical pain

In a dark black array
In darkness
I lay
I believe in nothing
Feel numb

So ******* dumb
Unable to speak
Just wanna freak

Can't feel me
I am out of body
Although my heart
It palpitates
All I can hear
Feel deep inside

I suffer

I know
It may not appear
But that's the sphere

The pain has toughed me
Made sparkling armour
Surround

Nothing touches now
Out of reach
Peaked

Felt the stain
It still remains

It will disappear
With time
Although constantly reminds my mind
Of mankind

I will tell you a story
In all its glory
Explaining the
****** *****,
Creating much more than
The eye can see

Its a story about a vibrant flower
So beautiful it needs to be to attract the buzzing honey bees

The story goes some thing like this

So you can see the flowers multiply through the years
Make two
Four and many more

The bee
flys along and sees so many Beautiful flowers
Longing to devour
But which one
So many colours
Shapes
Sizes
Flowers cascading
Parading
So shameless

Stands still

Wow
Striking
Its a big bright pink one
Circular in shape
Bold
Beautiful
Its the one
Open, with so many soft small petals
Glistening with the rain drops
Shining in the sun
Sparkling with beauty from within
Makes the bee meander to thee

The bee needs to reproduce
Suduced

Stops and fills
Spreads the seeds
Allowed to please
Pollunates
Impregnates
Recreates

What you dont see is the story
Combined with the
True glory
Of the extra ordinary *****
The beauty
Of the buzzing bee
Combined
With the  gold assigned
Inside

So free
Flying
Trying
Frantically to find the
The hive

Taking nectar
Making honey, wax, all kind of f
Fascinating lines
Made from hexagon
They divide into the lines

They are full with precious delights

The story continues
The more you learn
The more you yearn
To see a honey bee

Together the bee and the ****** *****
make harmony
The vibrant flower allowed to duplicate
More beauty for all to see
For all to feel

The special honey bee procreate and makes
Wax
creating ambiance
Such a clever bee
A savont; such a worker
Magical tyrant

Buzzing madly yearning to create
the sweetest honey
A honey bee can make

Its like you to me
You're the combination
Make migrations in me
Spreading beauty from within
To others to proceed
And begin

I feel it with you;
Vibrant flower
Honey bee
Coming together
Creating so much sweet honey in me

It's a wonderful story to me
You see
The story of the flower and the honey bee