the existential romanticist

the existential romanticist Feb 2016

02:49

maybe that's the thing nobody taught me about love...it fades

#love #sadness #angst

the existential romanticist Feb 2016

maybe it's because it's 3am and maybe it's because he hasn't truly been with me when beside me in over a month but the more i look at him now the more i realise it's painstakingly easy for him to let go and it's embarrassingly difficult for me to do the same

when i grew up i was taught that love would walk into your life with a smile like no other; i was not taught love would be etched in cigarette butts smoked in earnest after sleepless nights and onto early mornings; i was not taught love would be sprinkled in every glass of red wine i have with the name chianti and the price £6.99 almost haunting every sip i take

the truth is, even when he's not near me i try in earnest to find him - i try to taste him long after he's gone until my mouth goes numb and my tastebuds cannot tell apart chocolate from meat, i try to find the remnants of his cologne in my bedsheets even though it's been a month since he's slept here and i've washed my sheets already because maybe, maybe there's still a chance he'll be there, i try to touch him but no longer on purpose - accidental, timid touches that have my veins screaming to seep out of my arm and grab him while they can because they need more oxygen and he was the only source of clear thinking i had for a long time

the truth is no matter how many times i wear my lucky socks, no matter how many times i buy my favourite shampoo, no matter how many bottles of wine i drink, no matter how many text messages i send, it won't make him come back, because wearing his favourite perfume doesn't change anything but the desire in his eyes and like a flame it burns bright and suddenly all within a matter of hours it stops shining altogether

call it naive, call it pathetic, call it lonely call it lost call it depressed call it wrong call it meaningless pointless tragic sad ignorant poisonous stupid, but my heart trudges forward, and i know at 03:48am that no matter how much i try, i won't be able to stop it until it has taken all the roads leading up to him

why?

so it can crash and die all over again

#love #heartbreak

the existential romanticist Jan 2016

to the boy who will break my heart, undoubtedly

you look me in the eyes and you tell me i don't know what i'm doing but i fire back with a tongue that can lash every single wound you thought was healed open that no, you don't know what you're doing

sure, i may look at you the way the sun stretches across this city and clings onto every ray of grass it can find, and your body imprint in my bed and my memory is perhaps always going to be there, but that does not mean i cannot fall out of love with you

to the boy who will break my heart undoubtedly, know that i will try to break yours first, even though i will ultimately probably fail

know that i will try to kiss every other stranger i can find in attempts to wash out the taste of your perfect lips from mine, know that i will drink to the bottom of every glass they hand me to try to erase the feeling of skin on skin, the feeling of sweat combining and combusting into a deep, fiery love

i won't lie when i tell you that every glass of wine we drank together was an attempt for me to separate myself but you go one step back and i step two steps forward; maybe i will always be the girl that was stuck inside of your head for the early days of december when my looks and my om attracted something in you that not even your relationship status could ignore, maybe something inside of me convinced you that i was different

but, dear boy, know that you - you are not a man, and you still have a long way to go to reach that illustrious status you so badly want to claim

know that when you grab parts of my body i never knew existed, know that when you let me build a home inside of your eyes and your hands, know that when you kiss me innocently or not, that you would never do this if you were a man, because men

well, they wouldn't let me watch them break my own heart

#love #depression

the existential romanticist Dec 2015

f a l l i n g

and perhaps it's in the moment we realise that we smile with every perfectly crafted moment our lips collide and cause our skin to become tainted in goosebumps because we cannot believe how incredibly lucky we are that we realise yes, i am falling in love

#love

the existential romanticist Dec 2015

drunken thoughts and other compilations of stringy memories

there's something about the idea of sitting down with him and a glass of red wine that he cherishes so much that really appeals to you, something about listening to call it fate call it karma and joking about the irrelevancy of individual objects in this mass world that makes you want to message him immediately

the truth is, you need him because you need someone to save you when you have realised at about 3 am on your way to see him this morning that you are no longer a person to rely on to be there for you emotionally - you're your own bad influence, you're your own a.m. thoughts and bad decisions

the truth is, you wish you were still drunk enough to tell him that he should date you instead; you wish you were drunk enough to kiss him, drunk enough to play with his tie when he kept fidgeting with it, drunk enough to tell him that he's full of **** and you love it

you wish you were sober enough to forget about everything that has happened and get off that feeling knowing somebody told you that you'd be in their head, because your situations have never been perfect and this hurricane is making its way towards your heart faster than you anticipated and this time you don't want to drown in the raindrops of lost desire and empty words

there's something there, something about the two silver rings, one on each hand; something about the way his hair slicks back, about how he wears his glasses and how excited he gets to show you what he can play on piano; there's something there about the touch, about the electrifying feeling of holding his tired hands, and about the way you can tease him and he still takes it, about the way he assumes things but you do too and then you both admit your faults, about the way he tells you to smile more because a smile suits you and that thinking too much can be a serial killer

there's something there, but it's too far away to be understood - too far away to be felt, too far away to be loved

your drunken mind assumes it's utopia, but your sober mind concludes it's hell

#love

the existential romanticist Nov 2015

love: a warning

that feeling in the pit of your stomach as you raise your eyes to look at them, it's lethal

my love is like poison and the second upon exposure i'm left vulnerable but you're left affected forever, one step forward, a single blow to the lips and he has to open his eyes to see her face and remember this is real, she is real

it won't be movie love, it will be real love, and for that you must be warned - do not engage if you don't want after-*** cuddles and life contemplations, hot chocolate runs and holding hands without gloves since the heat from your hands are enough to warm the lack of oxygen reaching mine, late night laughter and cheesy dancing

do not engage if you don't want to let yourself fall in love, because it will happen slowly and if you realise when it's too late that you need to back out you need to know that like a bee who stings and dies, pushing me away from you after i've loved will cause me to be crippled not only by the weight of the falseness that i've been living in, but also the dense, crushing weight of my own love, of the letters and the kisses and the laughter

if you see me contemplate running after you when we say goodbye because i've always had a fear of departure, if you see my eyes light up when you walk into a room with an expression that can only be described as warmth and admiration, if you see my hand slowly make its way to yours in a desire to be held and comforted, if you see me love completely, depressingly, you need to stop me, because i'm warning you that if you don't i will get hurt and the pain of being locked out of my life forever will hurt you more in the months proceeding than it will hurt me as i learn to build myself up again for somebody else

you can fall in love with my lips, my humour, my dresses, my laughter, my smile, the emptiness of my eyes, the constant fear, the happiness when food comes, and anything else and everything else - but please, remember that it's lethal

it's lethal to love and to be loved, but it's the best poison i've ever really known

#love #danger

the existential romanticist Nov 2015

strangers

it starts off with a new face, intricate details, sharp jawlines, eyes so brown they speak to you without him ever having to open his mouth, lips so pink they're ready to show you what you've never been shown before

shot one, the eyes look deeper, emotions get elevated, suddenly the melody becomes easier to follow and your body loosens

shot two, he gives you the look you know too well, and you smile because you know that's all you needed

shot three and you aren't strangers anymore, pushed against a club wall, tongues intertwined in a melody only your heart knows how to describe, your brain not thinking because what would it say other than love is falling in love with strangers for the night to fill something that can't seem to be filled, stranger after stranger after stranger

#love #sadness