when eventually I come to pass
I pray that they rip me from limb to limb
such as a flower sheds its petals
and that I may be more beautiful in death
than I ever was in life

for we only see the vibrant rose
in the fading colours of having been plucked

I am compelled to look,
To understand the grotesque.
I am drawn to it like prey.
Fixated on the abomination in front of me.
There is no peace in obsession-For it hums below the surface,
Persistent and invasive, staining the landscape of the soul
Each glance deepens the pull, as if understanding it somehow makes it less monstrous.
It grows like ivy in my mind-twisting itself around thoughts that refuse to dissipate.
It doesn't shout or scream, yet it has turned the quiet into noise
It lingers-
endlessly circling me, refusing to pounce till just the right moment.
It sharpens it's gaze as it hones in on me
And I know I have been captured,
Made prisoner by my own fascination.
Even in my very last seconds I relentlessly fight the need to understand
Making sense of something that has none.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned
I have drank from the sacred cup, tainting it with the atrocities of my mind.
Forgive me.
For I give you my life today and confess my faith in your son.
I dread the loss of heaven and fear the agonies of hell
Forgive me father
For I am not truly seeking forgiveness.
I have every intention of sinning again.
Letting it's sweet taste fill me up,
Allowing me to drink from the cup and experience salvation once more.