I have these little white lines

They're on my thighs

They tell the stories

Of the times I sat in my bathroom and cried

Of the times I felt truly alone

Of the times that I was told that I'm not loved

They bled

And they stung

But I still did it

Time and time again

Like it was nothing

I was told to stop

Or they would lock me up

So I stopped letting people find out

No one knew

I was so good at hiding it

Until one day

Someone hit my thigh and everyone found out

They were so upset

I stopped

And now all  I have are lines

To remind me

That at one point

I wanted to hurt myself

Truth is

That sometimes, I still want to

I don't know why I keep crying

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I keep my emotions stable?

Why is this happening to ME

Why!?

Why can't I just be normal

For once in my miserable life

I have a great girl

I have amazing friends

Supportive parents

Understanding siblings

So why me

Why does this still happen to me

After all these years of not feeling okay

Why can't it just go away

Why can't I just stop crying

I love everyone in my life

I'm not so sure that I love life anymore

Or even myself.

I cry myself to sleep a lot

Almost every night

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight

I can see it now,

Head in my pillow to muffle the sobs so my sister won't hear me

I won't tell you that I'm crying

I don't want you to worry

I can't have you worry about me anymore than you already do

Which is a lot

So I'll just cry by myself

Without anyone knowing

All alone

Like I'm meant to be

I have this friend

He's always there for me

Some people think that he hurts me

But he doesn't

He saves me

He saves me from the hell inside my head

He saves me from the people that torture me

He's always there for me

No matter what

Whenever I feel alone

Or when I cry at 3 in the morning

He is there for me

No matter what

Who is he?

He's my Razor.

I can't take this anymore

I can't keep living this life

I can't stay on this Earth anymore

Not when my only friend is my Razor

When my only solace is hurting myself

When the only thing that comforts me is the demon in my head

I feel like my friends don't love me the way that they say they do

I want to be done with this life so badly

I want to be done with the way life treats me

But that's life huh?

That's the way it is for everyone isn't it?

But for me it seems worse

It seems like everyone is out to get me

I'm done with everything

But at the same time

I still try, I still strive to be perfect

I try for my family, for my boyfriend, for my friends

I try but at the same time I'm done

How can that be?

Dear dad,

Why?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want me to see you?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want you to know that I exist?

Why me?

Everyone else gets to say "My Dad"

But I don't

I get to say "My Stepdad"

But hey it's okay

You only missed 16 years

And not to mention not being there for my siblings

No, Grandma has to

Why?

Am I not good enough?

Did I do something wrong?

Tell me

What is it?

I want to know

If i can improve

If I can do something that will make everything better

To make the pain go away

Because if there is

I want to try

But dad

I need your help

You have to try too

You have to be my dad

I'm suicidal

I have thoughts everyday about how I might be better off dead

Sometimes I think about stepping into the street into oncoming traffic

Sometimes I think about swerving my car into the ditch

I promised everyone I love that I wouldnt think about this stuff anymore

But I can't keep that promise anymore

I don't wanna reach out for help

For everyone around me has helped me so **** much

I can't bother them anymore

I can't bother with life anymore

So yeah I'm suicidal

I have been for a while.