Sorbian, meaning, tickling the armpit of Germany
in terms of what's the desired encoding;
the variations of person:
            čłowjek (upper sorban)
               cłowjek (lower   "    )
     čovjek (croatian)
                           člověk    (czech')
człowiek (polish)      clawak (polabian)
              człowiek (kashubian)     človek (slovak)
                                 człowiyk (silesian)
         чoлoвік (ukranian).

' well, there is a little misunderstanding with the
  czech caron e (ě), mind this later.

yes, the peasants spoke more softly
compared with urban sharpening of accents,
so that you knew that in urban areas South
London has hardly Hackney Cockney,
and never Richmond, like Essex never spoke
good Yorkshire -
                             so they sharpened the letters
and that translated into involving accents
to later be abused -
                             the recipe? yes,
i was cooking Ukrainian Borscht today -
apart from the fact that Borscht isn't exactly classified
as a soup, a Borscht is a *Borscht,
   it transcends the category of being a soup,
just like rosół transcends the same category of being a soup,
           it's a very fine version of what is otherwise
chicken soup -
                            and as a critique of western cuisine?
why are all western soups like puree? they have
snot consistency, they ever never see-through -
they're all ******* creamy, like toddle-pulp of mauled
faeces - as if a bird feeding its chicks with regurgitated
products - eastern soups are see through,
floating bits you can see, a bit like the sea turned into
a Narcissus clarity. let me tell you,
the nurses love hearing the answers to the questions:
do you do any exercise?
                 yes, i walk everyday, once a week a take on
the miles.
             do you smoke?
        i try to fit within a packet of 20 a day.
do you drink?
                   only on alternative days.
        do you eat your five-a-day necessary ration
of fruits and vegetables?
          i don't like fruits... i avoid them...
vegetables? sure.
the basic ingredients of an Ukrainian broth?
        carrots, beetroots, celery, parsley root,
potatoes, leeks, fibre: green broad beans,
                   mushrooms,
                         red borscht concentrate
           white borscht concentrate for the sourness -
garlic.
                             (base? chicken, salt to taste).
well, coming back to the czech variation of the word
person... i feel there's a need to somehow find
diacritical uses coherent -
                                  i can only see it as
the nakedness of the original phonta (variation
on quanta: a specified sound being encoded with each
letter) -
                      it's diacritical marks akin to punctuation
marks and a few mathematical deliberates -
                  e.g. caron:
                                                        z
                                                      š
the z is invited to be applied to the s to make a shush
stress -
                                       arms wide open looking to
the sky for manna from heaven -
soon enough and y and j were confused with
yaks, tetragrammatons and some Spanish conquistadors
named Jesus - whether jumping or yanking the
shortest straws while sitting in a kayak -
or as Jacky said yards ahead if himself -
                   for every Jew there's a yew tree blossoming.
              there should be a rule of law stating:
only such and such diacritical marks to be applied
to vowels, and such and such marks to be applied to
consonants - but, evidently, this is not the norm -
             these are not merely unconscious accepted
aesthetic consideration, when i was being taught
French at school, i was never taught that
    ê (circumflex e) does as much damage to pronunciation
as does the è (grave e) - i.e. the circumflex is binding
the two letters in-between the stressed vowel,
while the incisor e with è cuts the word off when it's used -
              so the caron (mathematically more than? i.e. >)
  asks pleading to the skies for a letter to balance on?
   and the circumflex looks to the earth to find the seashells
and pebbles?
                             as in less than? i.e. <     ?
i rose above language, i rose above spelling because
i decided i could say to Bukowski's claim of genius:
tie your shoelaces before you talk to me:
simple as simply said: whatever lessons in life
i have to learn i'll learn them by my own accord -
               being drunk in Europe is the norm,
as is prostitution -
               last time the police booked me for drinking
i wasn't there... last time i talked with the Bulgarian mafia
i went back to get my debit card back,
            the **** showed me a wallet with 100 or so more
credit cards, i said: none of these are mine...
          the police cruised pretending law abides to the
standard imposed by politicians...
                   prostitution is fair game, but
keeping the girls contrary to self-employment is abhorred....
            me? i just don't do the dating scene,
should i be harrowed from that hide & seek of western
society's women woefully fishing? can i?
i can't be bothered with the games and the Geisha.
                       - you reach the proper level of appreciation
when you start to ridicule your heroes -
                                  you overpower them,
there's no point brown-nosing them with excess over-quotation,
you brown-nose them for a while, but then the gimmicks
begin... and they know it to be true:
    i' peg down Mr. B like anyone critical of getting an
education: learn to spell, and punctuate, and tie your shoelaces.
       you can't let them get away with it... those dumb-*****,
you can't: we all have a sad story...
    does anyone give a ****? m'eh... probably not.
it's the part when he says he read philosophy
but never bothers the ideas behind into a narrative:
                                   with him your end up *******
before Sophia rather than ******* her...
                        you have to **** her at some point...
                  no point ******* women and simply
******* before the deity -
                  better nothing ******* women and not
******* before the deity of worded fertility -
i was brown-nosing him for much too long...
                 whatever he said in his defence,
i'm aiming to capture the imagination akin to ****** addicts.
                      and that's hardly a feat to undertake.
so yeah, punctuation marks and some mathematical marks
above the Latin... Greek went wholly toward the Cyrillic -
oddly enough a Persian, Cyrus, entombed it into the strength
it possesses, rather than some Saint...
                                        so if i'm a loser at considering
myself a citizen of the world... what is Syria to me?
                                               Syria to me being Anglo-Slav
is:                    when Ramses destroyed Syria...
            don't come here with Westminster, please don't,
leave it out in the open with the paedophiles...
                                            i'm a citizen of England,
not of this world: you keep concerns over Syria where
you're at... if i can't be a citizen of thee world in a world
of globalisation, don't include me!
                                    diacritical marks, punctuation
alongside mathematical Copernican -
                                             yes, umlaut and the colon:,
what's the list? an extra oh... the latter phrase for
          omicron.
                                               Boršč or z z (zed zed)
             or h h (tricky, hay hay? ****** ******?
                               hatch hatch?)
            evidently the pronounced: shoo!
                                                        stinker that one:
given z morphs into h when given s or c...
                                i guess it's easier with      šč,
                   a.k.a.           shch...
and the most frequently asked question in English?
(by the middle class), how do you pronounce this?
                   you know why gangsters don't attack
educated people?
                           they love the fact that people made
the effort to learn reading and curtail other peoples' efforts
in changing perceptions -
                  for me it was always about being taught bad
French and rewriting the laws of stress -
                       i'll never understand the caron on vowels:
sure, the French makes it assured to make the circumflex
and the grave accenting above vowels synonymous...
  &

Sun settled over
beetroot sky, like
mother hen over
clutch.

And I could smell
the beetroots burning
against horizon
shift.

Sizzle-flip
and turn them over.
Leaking pale red into
the sea.

One dimensional folding paper,
greaseproof (we presume);
Wrap it up, tape the ends.
Send light to the moon.

i remember these two particular catchphrases uttered from english lips in the early 90s: the burqa? satan's postbox; and the other? jesus is coming: look busy.

i have to admit it, jazz sounds so much better,
and i'm sure if i was writing this in
the 20th century, jazz would have abhorred me,
but more so the beatnik poetry-jazz fission,
like some godfather of rap of something -
still jazz sounds better, and even though i was
partially raised on classical music,
point being, when *batman forever came out,
i didn't buy the soundtrack with U2 on it,
but instead the elliot goldenthal score -
notably for the song fledermausmarschmusik -
times were tough, we still used to play
with action figures and were the puppet-masters
in those days, rather than monochromatic
in smartphone wizardry...
                and i remember this one woman working
in our price asking me whether i was
sure i wanted the classical score of the movie,
rather than the soundtrack: and i said -
well, d'uh!
   but i can't contest for loving classical music
more than jazz, esp. not during these "detox"
weeks... jazz is just that: a cough medicine,
a paracetamol, something akin to beating
egg yokes with some sugar, until a pale canary
foam forms, and then you place it on top
of a black coffee, with some whiskey to boot...
i'll say this, these "detox" weeks are best
done during the autumnal / winter months -
just enough sunshine to make a 32+ hour days
bearable...
           what time is it? almost 3pm?
that's me crossing the 24h threshold of being
constantly awake...
            by the time i hit the whiskey this evening
i'll be heading into the 32nd hour of being
awake, straight...
            but i love these prolonged days,
the sort of days that merge into nights that then
somehow merge into the high octane morning
hours, notably looking at schoolkids pass my
house in school uniform...
         you should have seen this kid (who i was)
and his first time in regent st.'s hamleys...
  it was like a scene from big -
  once he spotted those batman action figures
his cheeks turned into bright luminescent
beetroots...
                   prior to that it was the joy of
playing outdoors, throwing marbles
into a dug hole from the distance of 2 metres,
and there was also the bet: 4 marbles a game,
5 marbles go into the hole and the winner
takes it all...
         and what about plasticine in the game
of kapsle, placed into bottle-caps,
and flicked around in a maze drawn on
       the pavement with chalk?
girls? hopscotch...
                                but we used to gang
up as if the utopian version of the lord of the flies
and head into the woods, and bake us
some tatties in charcoal of a fire...
            we used to look out after each other...
obviously some of the kids from my childhood,
last time i heard: became violent criminals...
but that's beside the point,
  when we were young, it mattered that we
had a group ethos: no one is going to be left
behind... stealing gooseberries -
  that would make these overly sweet sour-sweets
taste like honey drizzle over oats...
but that's the great thing about these "detox"
weeks, i get to experience 32h days,
   half a day, the entire night, and the entirety
of the next day, and about a third of the next night...
even if you asked me how i managed
to stay awake for so long and fail to even
powernap for a quickie 15 minutes,
       i'd probably sooner inquire:
so, what's the secret for those quickies you wild
kids have in the domain of ***...
last time i checked, she just perfected
her ******* before we were breaking up -
she tightened her lips...
        ah, i know the youtube hysteria of:
telling personal things to strangers -
    i get the argument -
  but unlike the medium of youtube - writing
still has the aura of:
as one stranger unto another -
          there's no greater sense of privacy,
as the privacy without a muzzle-guard of a dog...
it can be rather intimidating, to find that
however personal your content is,
   it actually entrenches your privacy,
paradoxically...
                    don't ask me how this happens...
i guess that: if your "privacy" is merely
an intricate web of lies... i guess you'd really
want to protect your spidery-ego as much as
possible...
                  but when you state your privacy
among internet profiles - glass people in glass houses...
(who the hell puts up these profiles,
what's there to talk about, on the date,
when you already have an a priori picture of a person
and their interests?) -
   once again, i don't know how it happened,
but by revealing my private life in "public",
i somehow managed to turn into
a right ol' hermit...
                      and unlike the youtube mentality:
i'm still a stranger among strangers,
       maybe that comes down to my ability
to talk to old men on benches, randomly,
while having a beer and a smoke;
don't mind homeless people either -
  give them a cigarette, ask how they're feeling,
and never bothering to ****** them
about the ethos of work, given that
so much of "work" these days is exactly that:
"work".

if you're asking me to be subhuman
give me a plot-line, i'd find one among the Zimbabweans
a minute later, but give me a plot-line,
i just want to know the hierarchy  from now on...
a Dutch spat in a Polish girl's face...
give me the ******* plot-line! or is this one of those moments
where you say: ja zapomnieć mówienia po polsku.
oh, you're one of those hybrids?!
should have told me sooner!
how's the Sunday roast treating you?
it's a bit dry, i admit, typical Pole-lack...
fights for independence from the Rus and the Prus
and then gets **** with the **** that pays him...
like some Chilean **** of a fake shaman,
or some Afro, gets ****** on all fours
for posterity being the reasonable standard...
has no pride, no ulterior motive, just sits there
expecting relief without working for it,
what a lucky bunch of beetroots, chequers in cheek,
rosy, the next flush of hope in casual conversation
estimating the standards of non-racial involvement
inside post-Saxony is Ulster -
they really want retards and are anti-bilingual,
the same plague that met the Normans, the Cnut
brigadiers, they want inbreeding, but as the ladies
say: better ****-pickup-grooming than a white
boy fanciful of romance... ain't that a pretty sight...
had to revolve upon the thick-skinned ones...
the ones who would't sue...
but with us Russia... ***** whipped by Jews and
cinnamon skinned ones are we? ***** - you said it,
i'm reaffirming;
you could have been colonial with them -
i won't let your colonial subjects turn colonial on me!

that's almost sandinavian in origin,
the missing grapheme of d ******* j
for a d'yeah...
  what do you call someone, drinking,
propped up on the windowsill?
io? oh right yu... ю      you...
yew? you yew you you?
                  ?
                     tree-hugging.
personally? i found that poetry (beside
the 20the century) are horrid, in that
they are rigid,
a bit like braking a shin good...
         who the **** what's a broken ankle?
limbo heaven darling:
  the ankle and wrist is already borken,
we're talking about those elongated bits...
     funny you should, i said quo vadis?
to my anaesthetist when i had "wisdom"
teeth removed...
once upon a time a muslim friend of mine
corrected me about the difference
between physicist and physician...
phy phy my ***... we thought that by eating
pork i contracted kuru...
i mean: what are the odds?
               i ate too much salt-meat which means
i ate human flesh... maybe kuru comes
from the notion that human flesh doesn't
require seasoning for the added fetish effect?
it's never bread and wine,
given there's no salt, pepper or butter.
          **** me aren't the greeks funky cool with
their ******* about a crimminal (of jewish origin)?
it's like: foundation layer a. we will have..
foundation layer b. we will not have...
foundation layer c. evangelicals hurrah!
   i was really onto asserting what the correct word
was for that weird **** they do in the ukraine...
apparenly is has a name in many variations;
there the noun [ɦoˈpɑk]: a language so abrupt
in ' it being used / in terms os usage... that no one
really does... linguistic *******...
   but the curiosity is concerning greek
translates into cyrillic... it's the gamma (Г)...
it's called a hopak for a reason... chłopak... boy...
it does denote the concept that only boys dance
this dance... i've ate
russian orange caviar and the ulranian borsh
of beetroots... me full...
        but who the **** writes this *******
more serious than the journalistic infirmary?
                exactly when did Г ≠ G,
but instead "E" / eta Hη?
                              what's the part i missed?
some historical fact about Columbus?
                      some muslim who's nostalgia is *******
me off trying to revive the crusades?
that part?!
              if you reread the encoding the word i
entitled to be the title reads as: gopak...
   but if you revise it and spell it as it "ought"
to be spelled, it reads as: hopak... or chłopak...
which just means boy...
what?! you going to teach me how to read
                  czech republic you ****?
caron c (č)                          eh... h the stressor, not
a variant of eta...
                               čeh,
                 due to the caron the other c is missing,
and the h is marked to imply a hark...
and hry sound (y is a hollowed out version
of i... like a cave)
                          which means that (c with caron)
is the equivalent of
                                  č = cz = ch.
             i was originally a chemist, seems to me i'm
starting to get really ******* by english
on the internet, that ******* of returning to
the obelisk and writing              :)
on it...                 do i even look like i'm smiling?
given the minor problem that this is...
and given that i'm writing about it in youth
(30 ain't old)...
                  i'm starting to think it to be perfectly agreeable.

i truly must have had one of those, very, very memorable nights, that i somehow also want to forget, so implant myself with false memories, oh, i've seen this done in a clinical environment, in psychiatry: it's called regression - a psychiatrist will call you up, he or she might have a handy student overseeing the "interview"... then he / she might insert a sort of: on the whim / "by the way" a speaking out-loud, referring to you in third person... e.g. oh... he was abused as a child... again.. to reiterate, today i woke up thinking i was screaming into the deafness of the night, not screaming via de profundis... more like... vitriol energy screaming: you ******* idiots! but i have proof... a nice, plum of an eye-sore... no mascara could do it justice... so it must've been a decent drinking session... my father just asked me... who gave you that LIMO... slang in ****** for a black-eye... LI-MO... thrill! i can find that in katakana: look at me go! ****... on L in Japanese... no trilling of the R either... WONG, WONG WONG.... let's see...  ha ha... oh but there is... you just have to be a rat, scuttle around the "palace" for a while... リ゜
                       モ
so when asked: who gave you the black-eye? i replied...
i was having issues with my shadow, who else?
i was punching myself in the head so hard, hey presto!
plum! ha ha...i always blame the shadow, we're always wrestling, no drinking session without a proper, fighting antagonism, the day  my shadow stops punching me, i, imagine, is the day some woman will come round and: ha ha... "kiss it all better"... for the time being... i like punching myself, i like... putting out cigarettes on my knuckles... masochistic little art of pseudo-algebra: X here, XXXX in total... it's always a good drinking session when i loose control, it usually happens when something is infuse... some minor biopic concerning Ted Bundy will do it... the erotica: YA-WN... i'm still trying to get paid... capitalism: sure... for some... i'm waiting... if they only pay me, properly... self-employed or PAYE (pay as you earn)... no one has bothered to clarify this with me... capitalism for some... i'll work, **** it... but the idea of bungee-jumping from some high building... no... not too alien... i can stomach the gravity, the thrill... i know that upon impact i'll meet sigma... alias of soul... my body's rent to begin with... no worries... i think i punched myself in the face since tomorrow i'm doing a stewarding shift up in Oxford... **** know's who's playing... i just want the supervisors to see my face... my whittle plum sore... if asked obviously i won't be telling them: i had an argument with my shadow... got in a fight, in a pub, self-defence... blah blah... oh no no... this metaphysical paradise belongs to me, to me: alone!
i almost feel terrible drinking this litre of bourbon,
you can't get better bourbon than ol' Jacky-boy'oh...
every time i open a bottle of bourbon
i'm reminded of the sort of perfumery you'd
most associate with a brothel -
bourbon scents = brothel scents...
bourbon is most certainly better than whiskey...
wait... no it's not...
bourbon is sweet whiskey...
i'm not much of a Laphroaig sort of guy...
come to think of it: on the spot...
i'd prefer a smoky whiskey... a Scotch whiskey
than this... sickly sweet bourbon...
perhaps i shouldn't have done
the no. 1, 2 & 3 (****, ****, *******)
& the no. 4 (the "baptism") prior...
sometimes you start drinking & absolutely nothing
feels right... i think my socks are stinking...
pregnant woman sensitivity to scents,
to tastes? do i really want to eat some cappers
or some gherkins to reach a counter balance
to this... sweetness...
i still haven't checked my newly set up bank
account regarding whether i've been paid
for my stewarding at stadiums...
o.k., o.k., think about going to the brothel...
let me just hope
i can sooth my disgruntled little self
with some decent d.i.y. music choices...
               or... if i get enough in... it really will
not matter what i'll be drinking by the end
of it...
Laphroaig... well... it's a bit like Marmite...
you either love it, or hate it...
i'm undecided... like i'm undecided about
bourbon... any other day i'd be loving it...
today... i'm undecided...
  perhaps i'm just used to drinking cheap whiskey,
cheap generic stuff...
i elevate the drinking experience by romancing
it: fraulein bernstein (ms. amber)
& mr. whiskers... etc.

- it really just takes a cigarette break & looking up
at the night sky... oi! baldy! where's that
old ******! never mind, but a night sky without
the moon is always an ugly night...
now i know what's up...

why did i watch no man of god today?
i had company when watching this movie...
but... how many more, how many more *******
movies about Ted Bundy? sure...
the movie was more about the FBI profiler
Bill Hagmaier... but still...
do we really need yet another movie about
Ted Bundy?! o.k. i know a little...
his mother had him out of wedlock,
he was raised on a lie: his mother was his "sister"
while his grandmother was his "mother"...
i dated a Russian girl for a while...
when i met the goons, sorry, her family...
way back in 2007... in St. Petersburg...
i was given the Ted Bundy introduction...
her mother was her sister...
her grandmother was her mother...
         what a freak of a woman: great ****...
tattoos and piercings...
she did this one number on me...
all scabs on her lips...
imitating the singer from hed(pe)...
wait... i'll look him up... jared gnome-head...
no offense: jared gomes...
all scabby... i implored her... take them out...
i implored her... cut those ******* dreads...
she complied to the point of...
proposing to me... she even chose
the ******* engagement ring...
she wanted me to get a tattoo... i refused...
even though she was this upstart tattoo artist
in the making...
she wanted me to get dreadlocks:
again... i refused...
thank **** that i disappeared from Edinburgh
and headed back down to London...
Ilona: thank you for introducing me to
BULGAKOV... i really enjoyed that book...
esp. reading parts of if
on my wait from St. Petersburg through
to London with a stay at Warsaw...
eh... as much as i love Dostoyevsky...
how he belittles Polacks every time he gets...
not to my taste...

2007... a pivotal year...
to cite Jung from the Answer to Job...
perhaps there are some female readers
in my audience, perhaps the Zodiac is to be minded...
this quote...
Luciferi vires accendit Aquarius acres -
Aquarius sets aflame Lucifer's harsh forces...

a lot has happened since... 2007... don't you think?
oh, look-look... she was an Aquarius,
i am still a Taurus... but that break-up...
my god... what a harsh trip...
i remember walking up to her apartment armed
with a guitar... about to play her a serenade...
REJECTED: ha ha...
pushed back by her ex-boyfriend she was
******* and her ex-boyfriend's friend...
a Russian... ha ha... oddly enough:
called: GERMAN...

it's so almost yesterday... i can sigh a sort of relief
from this memory...
it's good to remember...
i never sought out that quality of forgetfulness...
i want to remember... i cherish memory
above thought... it's theatre...
i want to... remember... select...
what... i want to remember...
so that it can have a recurrent presence in my mind
like... that drill "sergeant" of
pedagogy that instilled 2 + 2 = 4 into me...
the ******* alphabet...

now i know why i have this bad taste
in my mouth from drinking bourbon...
it's not that i'm drinking bourbon...
i love bourbon...
when the Scots took the smoky route...
the Irish took the mellow route...
arriving at bourbon years later:
and on a different continent...
                                     do, i, look, bothered?!
i hope i do: i (might) also hope that you might
"think" i do... but... you're not, you don't
(seem to be)...
so? back to sq. 1: 'ere we go...

mighty fun playing the ******* or are least
pretending to be one...
akin to... pseudo Jack Nicholson
in that cameo role of his as
enrolled by: actor playing actor playing
an actor: Keith Allen...
Bodies... Dr. Tony Whitman...

me, you...Joseph Roth &
the doppelgänger, right & "who" else?!

now i know... that cigarette break really helped...
the bad taste in my mouth...
of course! i must be drinking h'american liquor...
i knew something was up...
couple h'american liquor with watching
no man of god i.e.
not another Ted Bundy flick... o.k.
women are attracted to psychopaths...
wannabe cannibals... fair, *******: enough...

black culture is superior to white culture...
sure... white people are ******* gagging
to incorporate it...
inter-sectionality always existed within
the confines of religion: religion was
always post-modernist... given the current trend
of "thinking": it always... incorporated
outside influences to create a cohesive:
snowball effect... what's ******* new?
discovering the continent of America in a tin
of ******* sardines?!

there's no tree, there's no dog barking...
you're just asking for a a wrong type of a mental
gymnast to make some, weirdly allocated,
point, of ref....
i'm not doing it... god help anyone...
no... not even the ******* devil would get into
this much... anti-fascinating sort of "juice"...
i wouldn't...

o.k. now i know...
i was drinking this most, bountiful of a fully-bodied
red wine yesterday...
a south african 2020 shiraz...
by the name of arabella (name sounds familiar...
an arctic monkey's song?!)
origin: western cape...

i think i must have mentioned
smoky whiskey vs. bourbon...
well... this glass of red was so good...
i had to breathe some nicotine smoke
into the glass... let's go... full out theatrical
on this: "blood"...

to reiterate... why so many movies about Ted Bundy?!
modern ******* is so...
******* ugly... even in the brothel i would never
want to **** women like the women ******
in *******... ****?! come on...
******* with the addition of choking?!

as a child i had a categorical dislike for liver,
pork liver... semi-goulash
with onions... with the addition of mash
& gherkins... or pickled beetroots...
this sort of material, this sort of ***...
puts me off...
i scratch my head and think:
Abel... because H'america was built on
the CULT of CAIN... their fascination
their celebration of serial killers...

prior to mentioned...
America is a CULT OF CAIN...
i'm with the Iranians on this...
     three names congregate...
Kurt Cobain... shot himself in the head using
a shotgun... sure... that's one way to go...
but... shooting yourself in the head...
doesn't simply "solve" the matter...
recall...
   Chrstine Chubbuck *** Adndrei Chikatilo...
bullet to the head...
for both...
a quote from Bane... a Batman fictional character:
perhaps he's wondering:
why someone might throw a man...
out of a plane... before shooting him in the head?!
why would you shoot someone
in the head... in an empty prison cell?!
if you were not expecting them to rot?!
best explored with the added tenderness added
to the attempted suicide attempt of the incel
that Ms. Chubbuck became?

why not make more movies about
the Zodiac killer... anyone?!
oh, sure... here's me readied to ******* to little
Wisconsin... or... **** knows where!

i was having some d.i.y. d.j. issues...
thought experiments... undogmatic & kernfeld...
"issues": yeah, i couldn't remember the song's name...
no, wait, the artists...

last came... the origins of the niqab hebrew
vowels...
the: hmm...
come to think of it... there's more...
such is the nature of hidden things...

Adam Kadmon [tetragrammaton(s)] apex...
Atzilut (nearness)
Beriyah (creation)
Yetzirah (formation)
Asiyah (making)...

vowels like diacritical markers...
caron, tail... umlaut...
well... for the Hebrews...
   A - kametz...
    E - tzere -
    I - chirek
   O - cholem
   U - Kibbutz... some others... i will miss...

the study of vowels, though...
since they are hidden...
the entire concepts of vowels in Hebrew...
the niqqud...
i ask... looking down at the chiromancy...
of, my... right, hand...
did not the vowels arrive in "our" consciousness
via the Sefirot root / branch of...
the Malkhut?!

    Adonoy... you know... when the current people
perform *** & it's so ******* off-putting:
primarily because... they talk...
during *******...
&... i don't want to be talking during ***:
why invoke / invite "god"?!
they can't... Niqqut / Malkhut the deed...
o.k.... not that i'm ******...
just... mildly annoyed...

      you don't need to **** & speak at the same
******* ****'s sake time!

Europe... some weird ******* funnel for
the world to congregate around...
white women... white women and their *******
sado-masochism...
the cult of cain in america...
white women and their afro-****-boys...
cry wolf while i go around arming myself
with Thai surprises& Turkish delights...

i oust my shadow from my presence
with a few drop-dead plums in search for "light"...
imagine me punching a woman silly to
later reason wth me...
oh... but no one is going to say anything about
me punching myself silly "SOY"..
been my: bean my baby?!

      now' the time i hark, now's the time i bark...
now's the time i fill the night with a stomach's
worth of...              GRUNT..
indigestion...

       die stücke, bewegen sich!
schach, ja?! nein?
                       was ist die alternative?!
hund?! leine?!

i guess after seeing a ******* i couldn't be fed jealousy by a free woman... what the ******* taught was how to objectify in such times of crisis, when a woman does a Mantis chop with her heart to make you feel jealous on purpose, the: how lucky you are to have me, so many men would be jealous in your place! i guess so... but then i would't be walking up Arthur's Seat, sitting down on a cliff's edge thinking out the mantra: god, i wish i were dead, god, i wish i were dead. i could be blamed for spreading macho propaganda, but i read a little, and seen a little bit of the world to see things play out as they have - a woman's use of jealousy is her ultimate snare... see a ******* and you become equipped with a veil you can put on her when she instigates this tactic - you won't feel jealous, you'll then become to objectify her, no i don't mean objectifying her exterior, that's just shallow ****, i mean her inside... call me Genius Frankenstein Monster for all i care, i sensed there was a missing datum when they started censoring words in western society as if they might have censored it adequately to agreed to standards of education in algebraic mathematics.*

today? pork burgers, Slavic style.
pork mince, two slices of bread soaked in water
and later squeezed (to get the water out),
salt, pepper, one egg,
self-raising flour to make the mixture less
watery, spices, garlic paste, onions,
later coated with breadcrumbs.
side dishes? ćwikła / цвіклі (ts vikli) -
beetroots with horseradish and a bit of
crème fraîche -
fried baby potatoes with parsley, onions,
garlic, paprika and turmeric.
WE'RE RESURRECTED! WE'RE
RESURRECTED WITH ISRAEL!
FREE FROM THE LAW OF THE TSAR,
THE ARCHDUKE AND THE PRIME MINISTER...
ah ****, we're being inspected for anti-democratic
tendencies by the E.U. these days...
make our culinary skills outlive western media's
meddling with concerns - about
what is and what isn't democracy.

I've seen sand flooding through city streets like a torrent of hot gravy drowning sprouts and beetroots, park benches and church rooves.

Or maybe more like the final sprinkle of salt over a roast dinner, baptising the parsnips and chicken breast in some sick meal time ritual.

It bursts through stained glass windows, suffocating the streets and preserving the locals. It rains down.

They used to mix it into a paste and mould it into city scapes - arches topped with fancy statues in humble salute through holes in the clouds.

Nowadays they melt it down and make office blocks out of the stuff, 500 metres in the air propped up like a million glossy middle fingers.

We collect samples of it from the moon, then analyse it and draw loads of numbers and pie charts.

We bake it into computer chips and pluck digits from the stars in the sky. We can predict eclipses and the dances of the planets with only slightly more accuracy than Ptolemy.

The power and strength of the sand is unstoppable. It'll come again when you least expect, and drag us with it into our own graves.

i shifted my preferences greatly, i've move away from a certain stimulant, namely? caffeine, i've abandoned it completely in the form of coffee, this one afternoon i reached my fourth cup having began drinking it in the morning: i felt like my brain was trying to jump out of my head through my forehead: a headache without a headache: strangely possible... i prefer nicotine these days: obviously i smoke less, in order to make this poison more potent, but it works just as well if not better than caffeine: since the first cigarette of the day, after a night's "fast" (i.e. sleep) gives you the disorientating buzz, whereby an awakening stimulation kicks-in...

Wennigton village near Rainham burned to the ground,
Socrates hated the sophists, Ezra Pound
hated the Taoists... me? i hate the sceptics...
pretentious thinking-they're-clever ***-wipes...
i hate the sceptics with a passion:
i don't mind scepticism: i just hate the sceptics...
i can be sceptical in a microcosm about a lot of things:
usually traffic: at a roundabout... whether or not
i will gave enough "boot-licking" strength in my feet
to make it... but scepticism soon dissipates
in me and i just: lunge into the traffic...

even with all the past news about idiotic junior doctors
who were pulled under trucks and died
because they thought cyclists were the Hindu sacred
cows of the traffic hierarchy...
i have a different approach: cyclists can make the best
traffic shepherds... literally...
i've had about 3 motorists shout at me from
their windows... gnats...
you think i didn't speed up to them and start shouting
back?
one good example... i think he was trying to impress
his girlfriend in the passenger-seat...
by the time i caught up with him
   she noticed i was mad as a boar who was fed
beetroots instead of truffles...
'come on *******! mouth off me one more
******* time! stop the car and have a fight!'
****... she already pulled up the window... so i cycled
even more ferociously until i passed them and
turned around and pulled out the middle-finger
weapon of mute expression that's easily to read
if you know what it means...

of all the motorists: there's always one ****-sure idiot:
who's probably popping erectile-dysfunction
pills to sooth his hurting ego...
ego... wow! on my bicycle today i was experiencing
something weird...
it was an IN-BODY experience...
my ego was having a conversation with my ego...
usually ego undermines...
when cycling: oh i can't go on i can't go on blah blah...
but this time round my ego was talking to my ego...
ego (a) was saying the above: that my body
can't take the strain...
but ego (b) was saying: shut the **** up...
this idiot decided to take this route: of all days...

my god! after so many years of drought... the heat-waves...
i went for lunch with my mother...
she drank a Stella Artois and had fish and chips
while i had a Guinness and a burger & chips...
we talked... oh... right... so this is what potentially
dating feels like? you go out with a woman
and talk over food?
                                thank god it was my mother:
i couldn't stomach doing with with a potential partner:
what a ****** cultural artifact of the 20th century...
**** that...
so you go to a restaurant and you talk over food...
in the meantime people do this while also
profiling themselves prior... their interests...
their dislikes... it's all a priori...
and then... it's like reading a menu...
                            you already know everything you'd
otherwise like to find out through
conversation and all the quirks of: conversation
but instead you have profiling: so you already know
what a person likes or dislikes...
can i just eat alone, in peace?
   sure... if my mother asks me to have lunch with her...
but we have seriously things to talk about...
her fathers death... my grandfather's death...
familial estrangement...
with her mother my grandmother:

i didn't know my paternal grandparents...
they abandoned my father so i abandoned a thought
of them...
they're like grey ghouls of a white night of
St. Petersburg... come the zenith of June's longest day...
but we talked an anchor-topic... a sinker...
i didn't just lose a grandfather: i lost a friend...
a tear built up in my eye: glass! glass! think of glass!
thank god: i didn't cry...
the word grandfather coupled with the word friend
is heartbreaking in the right context...

i was getting my root-canal treatment done
when i saw him last...
and then... one month later... gone...
what really hurt? that ***** of a grandmother didn't even
bother to call me to tell me something
was wrong... oh sure... she called me...
the day before he died...
i would have been at his bedside the moment
****-hit the fan...
    my hatred for women: my "hatred"? it sort of imploded...
it reversed itself...
hell... if you get a chance to hate your grandmother
for that sort of trickery... what are you going
to do? me? i just decided it was about time
to love prostitutes...
these creatures who are supposedly least deserving...
and? oh **** me: i'm having a ******* hell of a time
stealing kisses from them...

****'s sake: if someone is dying you tell people that
are your family!
no wonder i didn't think about having children
of my own: given my family's history:
it wouldn't look pretty...
i think there's a curse on my family lineage...
but sure: i can go on a lunch "date" with my mother...
there's nothing Oedipal about that...
is there?
                          i don't think so: if you think so you're (a)
weird... oh...
           but do the same thing with a woman
i'm trying to court into bedroom fun?
   oh no... that's not happening...
*** first... dinner after... i can't **** on a full stomach...
i need one bottle of cider and three sips of
whiskey and a cigarette or two...

seriously! it's an artifact of 20th century mating strategies!
anyone see a man on a horse
dressed up as a refrigerator, i.e. in full body armour
anywhere soon? maybe: sooner?!
i don't... the dynamic has changed... apart from one...
the eternal: the archetypical one:
the one i'm already suckling at...
oh... pristine! it's that expression of kissing
your index middle fingers and thumb
   joined up... kissing them and pursing your lips
and "smooching": i can't write this sound...
an onomatopoeia would be a waste of time...
and while kissing and making that "smooch"
releasing the fingers into an unfold...

                     hold on... what was i talking about?
i learnt this method from my English teacher
at Canon Palmer Catholic School (i'm not catholic...
you sort of have to be CONFIRMED to be catholic...
i was baptised unwillingly, i gave no consent)
                   Ser Tom-as Bunce! Scot... Glaswegian...
he taught by digression... oh man: he was an expert
digressionist... that should be an actual noun in
the Oxford Standard Dict. he digressed a lot...
                         his way of speaking? i think... i'm trying
to imitate by writing... oh forget that Beatnik cut-up
technique... i'm not stitching random things together:
i'm not the origins story of Tristan Tzara pulling out newspaper
clippings out of a top-hat as a Swiss counter protest
to the first world war...
i'm digressing... ooh... it's like that scene from the Lion
King with the three hyenas... DIGRESSING...
i'm DIGRESSING... say it again said one hyena to another:
MUFASA! DIGRESSION! ooh... gives me the ******* chills...

****... i've already lost the plot...
precursor summary...

- familial estrangement
- running with Justine in the rain
- cycling in the rain
- some sort of feeling
- yeah: now i know... the whole modern dating introspection
put me off course...
- there's still a cat, persisting to sleep in my bed...
- what time do i start tomorrow's shift?
4pm? it must be, it's a Thursday...
i'll finish by 11pm... eh... plenty of time to
go back to the brothel and sweet plump plum of a Michaela...
i seriously don't know what awoke my adoration
for these plump plum women...
yeah: i know... all those Renaissance paintings...
all the women were: over-nourished...
- i hate chocolate... but... if i make mint-chocolate
obviously i will not mind adding a few dark chocolate chips...

(intermission, refill, cigarette)

nicotine and the art of light-thinking...
everything about gustave doré etching of
the fall of Lucifer screams at me
to couple it with Muse's Stockholm Syndrome...
a whirlwind of gravity...
i sometimes feel it in my head...
most of the time in my groins:
my stomach is able to digest stake Tartare...

a holy trinity: Dürer... Doré...
   hmm... who was the third? i know there was a third...
painter: obviously... Rodin?

never mind... today was beautiful...
i wasn't expecting it to rain...
i'm used to cycling in hail...
little pebbles of ice hitting your body as if:
***** on the ready: pinch pinch pinch...
but this was different... a summer thunderstorm...
the rain so great by volume i overtook
uncertain motorists pulling in through lack of vision...
it was glorious: after all these heat-waves...
my session began with a cider... reclining on the fake
grass i installed with my ginger "behemoth"
(master and margarita? probably my favourite book,
no... Stendhal's the crimson and the black)

we chilled... he sneaked into my arm pit...
folding himself like a larva of a caterpillar...
grunting...
see? cats and prostitutes alike...
i'd love to see Muse live...
only for a few songs... well... a whole bunch of songs...
who was that third person i was thinking
of in that holy trinity?

Dürer... Doré... oh... wait... maybe i wasn't thinking
about a third person... who did i prefer?
the latter... although: neither are competing...
it's just a cheap-gimmick of making comparisons
of: well: whast's already available...

but the rain? splendorous! awakening!
i was the only cyclist: цyбał
left on the street... manic peddling....
i didn't listen to the weather-forecast...
me lying on the fake-grass with Quorus was
enough to justify my solipsism
that gave me energy to peddle in the adversity...
of rain that obstructed my vision....
but my god... it felt glorious...
after the heat-waves... getting drenched so much...
it reminded me of a certain summer
in Poland...
when my maternal grandmother was still
alive: while the patriarch of my maternal
side of the family died...

it was me and my auntie: we were of similar age...
it was a joke calling her auntie...
we ran into the air and seemingly ran on
water in the summer...
when the rain fell like a monsoon season finale...
barefoot on the concrete...
me and Justine...
too bad she married an ******* that
undermined my father's self-employment
subcontractor stature...
i hated him from the get-go... no ******* chin:
all sunken... top jaw exposing a gap in his lips...
i suppose he could, could... slurp a milkshake...
but if he were donning a shirt...
he'd might have to change it...
because he'd slobber any excess onto it...
a **** of a man... his parents sold saucepans
in a local market place...
they would have survived living in London
for about a week... small-town folk...
live-small: think-big!
there are many, many centres of the universe...
none have to begin with a fixation
on the solitary sun: just ask any solispist...
or don't ask any autistic crazed up frenzy of reflex...

GARKOTŁUK - a person who hits saucepans...
with no intention of becoming a Red Hot Chilli plumber...
plumber?! drummer... oh ****...

i live in a realm of familial estrangement...
me and Justine used to run barefoot in the summer rain...
come back home and get treated by our...
my great-grandmother... her grandmother:
she was my aunt mind you: but we were of similar age...
it was so much fun...
today's cycling session reminded me of those times...
hey presto: me replicating that memory: solo...
they tried living in London for a while...
instead: deciding on going back to ****** land...
opening up a laundry service in Warsaw...
i have cousins that will probably hear of me
as that "weird" cousin living in London...
  
      i have family: i don't have family...
i have a family of gold-diggers...
from my current employment... i've learned:
it's far better to love strangers than
to inherit a blood-line of two-faced
push-overs of hope...
i'm estranged from so much of my familial
ties it's no wonder i prefer the company
of strangers:
my heart has shrunk...
   to the size of a pebble...
  
                just like my grandfather predicted:
his words run along the lines:
makes your heart small... then watch how you'll
have people in your grasp!

facio vester parvus cor:
lapillus: in manus: amore mons...
a pebble in hand: a love of mountains...

familial estrangement is: weird...
what's weirder still: the capacity to loving strangers...
i don't know where this capacity was born
within me...
i simply can...mind you:
the closer i allow someone to entertain
my personal space: the more they hurt me...
best keep them at a distance...
i like cats: they don't require leashes...
just a call: come home... esp. Maine *****...
that's cats... but dogs? people?
leaches... i need leashes...

then again: i don't have a pet cat...
i have a cat companion...
lucky: ******* me not having a wife...
what would i do?
earn more money than is necessary?
i look up at the night sky and wonder:
when will my beard turn into a violin?!
i keep stroking this ****** thing like
it might be an otter:
just before a ******* strokes it back:
by then i'm: happy...

i've watched enough Bergman... that one
about a magician was my favorite:
it sort of reminded me of the French craze
for... le swashbuckle... Le Bossu...
le clapotisflampage!
two hunchbacks in one myth of a nation...

seulement Z français (not française - z'eh,
**** wit pseudo Normans)
françaí...
now i know why i didn't learn Fwench!
too many ******* surds...
letters imitating Thespians: actors of sound
missing...
    what... a ****** language...
perhaps great for thinking to echo thinking itself
via the thought of tables... chairs...
"Judases", i.e. peep-holes...
but in terms of correlating: what is spoken
with what is written?
French is the worst... English at least feels like
a terrible schizophrenic puzzle:
but one, one can work around...
Deutsche is just custard...
but French is the worst... too many surds...
just like the English stress that there are too many
consonants jumbled up in the ****** tongue...
likewise...
too many surds in the French zunge!

what?! no one who said that ever heard
of a game called ping-pong?! no? run Forrest! wun!
then again: no one knows whether i am:
or whether i'm not *******...
it'z: beautiful...
           i'll just finish early and have an early night...
thinking about Michaela for an hour...
her fat thighs and *******... all of her...
     just all of her... like i might think about a full English
breakfast after a day's worth of fasting...
even i am surprised: i like plum plump girls...
Ed Sheeran can sing his shivers song...
me? i'm doing the butcher's load of effort...
100 press-ups... readying myself for the *******...
me go Tarzan crazy feeling her legs wrap around me...
hell... bad luck...
if English girls are not willing to give it up:
living in a nation of joke-nuns...
no wonder i moved my libido elsewhere...
it's a long bye-bye... a very long bye-bye-...
my heart broke once... now?
each time it breaks: it's actually mending;
thank you Romania and your women;

figures... a nut-jobs contemplating feeding elephants
and a choice between cashews and peacans...
hmm! an impossible choice!
i'd prefer some Brazilian bite!

- hmm, the strangeness of women...
i might be a lion: but she's still playing the role
of a mantis: of hearts....
i can absorb the best genetic make-up...
Darwinism makes sense in and with nature,..
but not with man: out and without nature...
man is the epitome of nature:
without it...

             straw-blinded thrown blind-*******
into a commotion of a harvest of wheat....
before you close up your legs i'll re-open
them again:
why? because i can.

Who needs a box of Sandwiches, who needs a plump Pork Pie
Snap those flimsy plastic Knifes, and bleed your Hip Flask dry
***** up your Paper Serviettes, kiss Plates and Cups goodbye
The War on Picnics has begun, and Coffee Beans will die

Bar B Q's will let them burn, checked Blankets can be ripped
Don't squeeze those juicy Oranges, all Bananas must stay zipped
Lock away your Wicker Baskets, cos Yogi's post is piped
The average bear has had his day, and smartness will be stripped

Cobs of Corn are wilting; they can't believe their ears
Asparagus has now been thrown, along with all the spears
Fresh Cream is left to curdle, Milk shaking through the fears
Too many Hops have been deflowered, so stick your crate of Beers

Who wants your Cheese and Onion, spin on my Sausage Roll
The march of Walkers has commenced, and Crisps have gone Awol
Let Iceberg Lettuce melt away, toss out that Salad Bowl
Tuna Fish has just got canned, so has the Dover Soul

Vanilla in an Ice Cream Cone, that's frozen to the scoop
Hard Boiled Eggs are going soft, so they've all flown the coop
A ****** on a Cocktail Stick, one ***** that's on the droop
Ripe Tomatoes are now squashed, pack up your Cup a' Soup

Chicken has turned rather fowl, Ham is now wafer thin
Kitchen Roll has given up, their towels have been thrown in
Farmhouse Loafs caught Cottaging, will take it on the chin
Candy Floss is so confused, and gone into a spin

Pizzas have fell like Domino's, they refuse to leave the Hut
Oyster shells are clamming up, so they are staying shut
Quarter Pounders lost their purposes, now they can't bust a gut
The bluntness of cheep Meat Cleavers, just didn't make the cut

The revolution of French Fries, cos they've all had their Chips
Slavery has come to pass, amongst the Walnut Whips
All Smoothies have had it rough, no blend without the Pips
Escargot are much to slow, so they can't pass my lips

Spaghetti tried to slip away, because it doesn't give a Fork
It's hairy for the Coconuts, but they're too shy to talk
Pepsi has been smoking Coke, as well as pulled Roast Pork
The Battering of the northern Puds, has forced them back to York

All the Grapes are souring; they have good cause to Wine
Nuts are turning to bad Seeds, upon the lonesome Pine
Pigs say that Bacon rationing, "is really just a swine"
We've grounded our Black Pepper, and of coarse it's now too fine

Fallen Fruits are badly bruised, too hard for any healings
A Jacket that once was snug, lost in Potato Peelings
Jelly has thrown a wobbler, why Trifle with its feelings
Biscuits forced into a Jam, so no more Dodgy dealings

Those Chillies are so lazy, Watercress will stay in bed
It's as easy as a piece of Cake, but the Beetroots seeing red
Margarine has hardened up, and the news has not been spread
Beef Wellington has had the boot, and there's nowhere else to tread

Apples are forbidden fruit, and Ribs are going spare
The Pastry has flaked away, from my sweet Chocolate Éclair
Will Lady Godiva ride again, to show off her lovely Pear?
Pringles popped and cannot stop, but they decline to share

Salad Dressing that gets caught, well isn't that just rude?
All the Kebabs are angry, because their Vegetables are skewed
Bottles are remaining corked; it looks like we are *******
Food unwrapped will go to waste, now that its in the ****

My Candelabra's round the twist, and it's getting on my wick
Pineapple Chunks and Silver Skins, are sliding down the stick
Unsliced Bread on your doorstep, I'm afraid it's much too thick
Fields of Crops aren't dusted off, so you can't take your pick

Peperami was an animal, but now he's just a yob
Gourmet food has lost its class, and turned into a slob
My Butter has now melted, Lurpak has got no ****
Donut holes are being filled, so ******* PC Plod

The Salt is in the Cellar, Sugar has got the Cane
Lollipops have all been licked, Crackers have gone insane
Soufflés refuse to even rise, and Tea has felt the strain
Frankfurter has to face Riff Raff, and won't be sweet again

Tarts who've lost their Cherries, are no longer sat on top
Unlucky Scones have been let go, so they've all felt the drop
Beans have done a Runner; fizzy drinks have all gone Pop
Cops are giving us a fine, cos they want Picnics to stop

one of my cats - bonsai tigers is such a recluse -
for the 24h in a day she could spend 28h sleeping,
and not be seen apart from taking
a princess dump and eating like a gargoyle...

my room always fascinated her -
i guess she like the smell of books -
and the chair - for the past few days:
her "modus operandi" for whatever else
happens in the day...

i turn on the computer... start typing...
there she is, geared up, agitated -
doing her little pagan prayer: standing on
the hind legs - outstretching her front legs
and paws - and then moving them in an amen
clasp up and down -

i once overheard "someone" instructing her...
the voice wasn't human -
the words weren't human...
i'm under the impression that she was told:
get him away from typing...
as if now she wants all the attention...

one of the last stumps of the old dwarfs is almost
out of the ground...
but this one is a beast -
           it grew into a heap of concrete where
the old fence posts were...
you can't dig this sort of roots' head up
with a tiny shovel - a tiny one handed gardening
fork... a hand-saw... a blunt axe...
a hammer: when needing to hammer the axe
in...
              one of the roots took forever...
tomorrow i'll take out the guns of navarone...
a hammer drill and an electric saw...
i'll turn these concrete blob into dust
and chew into the roots with electric eels...

then the waiting process -
i will have to burn the soil...
        either with vineger or salt or i don't know...
i'll get some proper gardening chemical
that will treat old roots like weeds...
until the wood becomes brittle and...
a future source of nourishment for new
growth...
   and the dwarf apple trees grew...
while bonsai tigers cackled-esque at the birds...
eyes growing tired into a murmur of
itchy blinking...

took a coffee break and... thought apps...
and technology...
   not much thinking in all honesty...
at 34 i should be somewhere in this field...
working on some minor detail...

they can have ****** recognition technology...
but they don't have an app
that allows you take a photograph of a flower
to subsequently let you know the name of it...
they have an app that listens to a song
on the radio... and hey presto!
you have the name of the song...
          but there's no app that has a honing
microphone... after all: a camera has a zoom...
why isn't there a honing microphone?
there's no app to record a bird song...
to subsequently: hey google: listen to this...
what bird is that?

well... good to know that i still have
some interest in that... give him 3 minutes
and you're listening to spy cables
from a mr. starling...

            it's not even beautiful as vivaldi
would make it appear in the imitation game...
it's a binge on mathematics... or the thought
that comes with it...

       how the old tongue came about,
as revised to latin standards by methodius
and cyril... i too met a greek once...
from Thessalonica... in Warsaw...
       astounded as to why my english was
so good...
                then again, one has to wonder
why the czechs did not succumb...
"succumb"... nor we their neighbours...
to...

how Ⰰ became A... was it to become T?
well... not if Ⱅ (T) was to be... W?
none of these letters could be "simplified"...
with the exceptions of 'b': Ⰱ that became Б...
'm': Ⰿ that became M
           'p': Ⱂ that became "p": π
       but even the glagolitic entry i'm reading...
Ⱋ: is supposedly symplified by щ...
   i'm not buying that...
                  i could be wrong that...
    Ⱎ was and that ш is... a letter intact...
                 or that Ⱇ was and that ф is...
and that it wasn't the greek φ...
well... ш + ц = щ - šarość + č = ščerość
                   (greyness + ch-                       +
                                             -atter ≠ honesty)
yet how many words can begin with щ / šč-?
quiet a few... ščekać! to bark!
                                    look... i too have my:
tail: bąk - bumblebee...
          or perhaps how Ⰶ became ж...
or }I{ / >I<                                   Ż / RZ / Ž    
if you have a caron...
                        and know why horseradish
goes well with beetroots for a salt "puree" side
dish...
              a problem from the start of day
rubric!

     infinity                           |           nothingness
noun                                                    noun
infinite                                              nothing
adjective                                           pronoun
          ∞                                                    0?
                                                         or   √-1       i
     ~                                                 last time i heard
         ÷                                               0 = negation
                                                        so much for Kant
                                                   and subsequently
                                                         so much for ¬
                                                               likewise...  
        ∃                                                         ∄                                                    

and this toiling with the grammar...
             last time i heard these terms:
cis-                          trans-
         the conversation was central to
chirality of chemical compounds...
well... cis-trans isomers: would i have dreamed
of chemistry being so popular among
grammatical anarchists?
                                          no... it's not about
chirality...

once upon a time a language so simple:
so brittle - so accessible -
            i would strain myself on the definition:
it better rhyme...
then came the drastic oops...
           even if it rhymes...
so what it rhymes... if it does not hold ground
for lyricism to take root!

      who is to keep hold of this brute this
language gott: gut: this alles gute?
               tweak that with a sly umlaut over
a yo-yew-you? yarl!
                 who else sings?
                    the three witches: thane...
of glamis - cawdor...
                                    borrowed time from the graeae...
or at least the tongue...
the eye-shared went missing when
nine cyclopses jumped into the couldron...
the tenth: offside or the racous...
                             perhaps even: nobody...        

since why would i come with all these gifts?
what if i took your two heads away...
what ιf: ȷust lιke that! eh?
                              where are your: "dιacrιtιcal"
markers... ιn a language wιth no orthography!
there's only... the straιtȷacket of metaphysιcs
beιng exhausted: yet agaιn!

at least between a ȷ and a j there's a raa'
and a zaayn involved... please don't mention laam...
( ر ) and (ز ) respectively...
                            ( ل )...
                                          must we always learn
about the romans?
                         mr. starling sang came noon...
while i was drinking my coffee...
no app for the recognition of flowers...
plenty of ****** recognition technology in place...
no app for the recognition of bird songs...
plenty of songs archived and a honing
microphone for the telephone to pick up on
and recognise...

my song would have been much simpler...

/
meie, din liehter schin
und diu kleinen vogelin
bringent vrouden vollen schrin
daz si willekommen sin!
ich bin an den vrouden min
mit der werlde kranc
alle tage ist min klage
von der ich daz beste sage
und ir holdez herze trage
daz ich der niht wohl behaage
von den schulden ich verzage
daz mir nie gelanc
also noch genuogen an ir
dienest ist gelungen
die nach guoter wibe lone
höveschlichen rungen
nü han ich beidiu umbe
sust gedienetunde gesungen
                                                    /

as i recall... i am supposed to have a date
with a medieval germany...
a romantic germany...
     perhaps even a romance of europe
in general...
           solely on a lingua primo basis...
                history... after the mass graves
at ypres...
                           even a *** would agree
with... there's a romance
and all that was shumann and was...
              how or why the prussian became
in charge of the german people...
the same prussians...
the same baltic prussians...
the same baltic prussians that
the teutonic knights of bavaria etc.
waged a crusade against!

                      even in england certain histories
of this continent are off limits...
so much for having learned
of edward the confessor's existence...
or the medieval genius that was
philip II augustus... the capetian...
                           so much: and thus mr. starling
sang for me...
midnight came and i started looking for
my shadow to take to bed -
steal him i will / had to from
            the harem of the candlelight.

one of my favourites, to add to memorising it
like someone might a perfume...
   kluski slaske z ozorem wołowiny
           w kremowym sosie chrzanowym...
i.e. silesian dumplings in a creamy-horseradish
   sauce, with cow-tongue...
     oh believe me, it's the most tender meat;
and i had that meal in cieszyn,
a town that's on the border with the czech republic...
why was i there to begin with?
                   operation, removing my chernobyll
tattoo... oh, you think chernobyll was an isolated
case, that had an enclosure known as ukraine?
as a foetus... radiation isn't a tornado,
   it's not an isolated case...
                      it's atomically scaled, so it spreads
beyond the main zone of contamination...
women in poland were told to drink iodine
at the time...     perhaps to **** off the foetus...
              so the abortions would be like still-births.
and the meal i wish i could have?
     czernina... which is a delicacy of the town
of płock... it's a duck soup, where you add duck blood
into it... and, with regards to the dumplings
             added to the soup, i've heard they're
apparently purple...
                            **** me, i'll **** anything that
moves, and eat anything that's not moving...
                i'm not picky-panicky...
                            be a fussy eater, and then become
allergic to peanuts... that's what you get,
for not eating your orange caviar, beetroots
                                                     or brussel sprouts,
or garlic... when i walk into a subway restaurant,
and they ask me what to add...
                    ah ****... throw everything in there,
i'm not big on making choices,
            like i once did in a brothel, and the *******
that retorted to my "finnicky" ways,
                                and had her brains ****** out;
she just said: this is the second time it has happened to me!
   i really don't know why i can't stop bragging
about that incident... perhaps, as she also insinuated:
it's so rare.

p.s. as a pre-scriptum: oh, now i know why i think this is mediocre, i haven't drunk enough to relax my "narrative"... something's here of some worth, the rest... well... it's still a tier above tabloid "journalism", if you don't me thinking.

i'm still figuring out this body, this rent...
after all: aren't we renting in this life -
although i tend to make my monetary
dynamics purely on the basis of debit
(i don't remember the last time i used
a credit card, i don't own one,
i used to, but it was such a hassle to use...
having to remember what you spent
"invisible" money on & getting a summary
at the end of the month rather than:
remembering how much money is on
my bank account... coughing up a large chunk
of it: like some sickly hindsight...
never, again)...
horrid several days in December...
the "season to be jolly": like hell it is...
over-advertised, over-sold...
                             it's not like i belong
to a large family that gets together
and spews their little "micro-aggressions"
and covert-ridicule over a meal...
being weary of ******-attractions...   huh?
yeah... but it's the culmination
of the year... the end of it...
  i'm already gearing for a restart...
December fatigue is impossibly...
the damp doesn't help...
         sitting around eating food pointlessly...
i'll eat the necessary food...
like today i enjoyed a ******
white borsch... it's a sour soup, clear...
consisting of ****** bacon...
(look up Tenacious D's kiełbasa)
hard boiled eggs...
stock made from root parsley,
     carrot, leak, plenty of garlic...
             & the stock itself: for the borsch...
mainly rye flour fermentation
juice... you also add a decent spoonful
of horse-radish to the soup...
eat it with a side of artisan sourdough
bread...
white sour borsch... oh hell...
Ukrainian borsch can hide...
the ****** red borsch (made from beetroots)
served with uszka (ucho, ear...
uszka, the diminutive of ears...
for some reason, the ****** tongue uses
a lot of diminutive terms...
to endear them... even names
of people are churned via the diminutive
machine...
Mateusz becomes Mateuszek...
Ewa becomes Ewunia)...
bay leaves + allspice pellets (also)...
plenty of sour notes...
point being, i think the **** "Aryans"
got the story wrong...
historically... the area of land that was
& is still Poland was visited by
a nomad group of Iranians...
the Sarmatians... last time i heard...
Iranians are referred to as Aryans...
& their cuisine... has plenty of
sour notes...
perhaps the sauerkraut migrated
from the region where i was born
over the Oder to...
Frankfurt-upon-Oder & subsequently
further... why the American soldiers
ref. the Germans as KRAUTS...
it's a funny side-note...
the supposed "Aryans" were fighting...
Aryans... i guess falsehood lost...

beside that... sitting around the house
doing **** all... it will get to you...
i even managed to cross that threshold
i told myself i would never cross...
coming in at more than 100kg is not
acceptable anymore...
99.5kg i can stand... but i've also managed
to go down to 96kg... but that was
during the summer, when you eat less...
or rather: you are active more...
i had to do something about it today...
i'm done with these gluttonous festivities...
did a ******* exercise quickie on
the bicycle while riding to the supermarket
to stock up for new year's day...
no more eating in the night...

       & that's how i came across the fact
that... oddly enough... exercising can provide
you with more energy...
why? because you spent some of it...
simply ingesting calories & not utilising them
fatigues you... exercising counters fatigue...
you might feel tired...
but... all the mental fatigue is gone...
you become motivated: even motivated to write
something as banal as this...
then again: i haven't been this "lazy"
celebrating: **** knows what since...
well... last year...

             by definition: during exercise you
are no longer a res cogitans...
more a res vanus: since slithers of thought
enter your mind like flashbacks
or rather like postcards...
but they're not really thought by
standards of narrative... letters become surds
like the G in the word: gnostic or, gnome...
so: apostrophes: 'nostic, 'nome...
that sort of thing...
    sometimes when cycling i meditate
on Braille, sometimes the Morse Code...
or usually diacritical markers: forever missing
in English!

more res cogitans, somewhat res vanus...
but more or less: res corpus:
a body-thing... the mind being detached from
all those constipated thoughts,
all those ego-***-solipsism alleys...
flimsy daydreams...
just my body: the wind, the eyes,
my legs, my arms, my sweat... the bicycle...
no other liberation out there,
in all honesty...       pickled brain frenzy
only comes after... when i sit down
to relax to doodle something...
        
i came across something today while my phone
was charging & i couldn't do my usual
routine on the throne of thrones...
instead of playing Mech Arena i picked
up where i left off reading Heidegger:
those black notebooks didn't come cheap...
circa £30 a volume...
             obviously first editions...
i need to find that passage once more...
i doubt i will...
ha... in the 20th century it was already noted:
we now write about reading...
sometimes... it's unavoidable...
only yesterday i was hearing loads of stories
about the stewards doing the Wembley
job when the hooligans rushed the stadium
for the England vs. Italy final...
we were driving in the car...
i felt... less was being conveyed & that it was
more about... impressing the "other"...
oh i felt like i was bonding with the supervisor...
but he was also impressed with my
plum hue tattoo... my Dalmatian eye-patch...
one of the girls inquired: i brushed it off
telling her that there was nothing to brag
about... she just assumed: oh, you Polacks...
you drink & you fight...
well... from what history has given me...
if the Polacks aren't fighting the Ottoman Turks...
the Swedes, the Russians & the Germans...
if we're not fighting the backstabbing Hungarians
who decided to side with the Austrians...
if Polacks aren't fighting then:
start counting the sitting-ducks...
why would i tell her that i was fighting my own
shadow?
in a professional environment:
you keep people guessing... informality at the core...
we're not here for ******* lunch!
arbeit macht frei has, sickly... become my motto...
not some **** joke...
oddly enough... arbeit macht frei
& RADFAHREN MACHT FREI...
cycling makes you free...
    - du macht frei
or macht du frei?!
                         oh... right... there was no
"you" in the Auschwitz slogan...

                          i could never imagine myself
being content with what people suppose
to be: relieving acts... ******* picnics in the park,
adventures in a zoo... sun-tanning...
cruises... football matches...
                   cinema...
                                     it, has, no, use, for, me...
es, hat, nein, benutzen, für, mich!
i need strain, all the time... i'm not relaxed if i'm
not doubly-aware... i always need
to be on a look out for something:
anything... i like football matches in the current
role because...
never have i watched girls without them
noticing me... sure... some do...
but they're there for the football match...
i'm there for... any possible build up of tension...
perhaps that's why i sleep:
but don't really dream...
perhaps unconsciously the gods sent dream-blockers,
evil geniuses who recommended for my
psyche to be rid of dreaming...
or being a dream-architect...
like, for example: the phenomenon
of the recurrent dream, that some people cite?!

huh?! recurrent dreams?!
it's a bit like saying: you dumb ****!
since when is it so hard to
understand the metaphor of 1 + 1 = 2?!
how long does it have to be repeated to you?!
if i don't dream... then i'm on autopilot...
almost... sure... some major dream did happen...
i even told this dream to my ex-girlfriend's
mother:

so i'm on this *****... a Pythagorean triangle:
because it's all abstract...
and these sheep like people... or these people like
sheep are falling down the *****...
behind me there's only an abyss...
they're coming down & these demonic creatures
with scythes are also coming down...
cutting the crying people's heads off...
while i'm running at the bottom of this *****
trying to save them from falling into the abyss...
i was... 17(?) when i had this dream...

have i become a paramedic since then? no...
ergo: the ***** is an abstract of something that's
not the inevitability of death.

i don't remember how i went to sleep last night,
i remember going home, catching the 103 bus
from North St. at around... maybe 11pm...
i remember opening my drawer
of my writing desk...
sniffing the marijuana and thinking whether
i should smoke it...

but i don't remember where i put my trousers:
or for that matter how i hanged them...
i don't remember how i took off my shirt
and how i took of my socks or my underwear:
where i put my shoes...
i don't remember... there's this black hole
concerning all these minor details:
all i know is that when i woke up this morning:
nothing was missing...

mind you: two days ago i tried to go to bed
early... i had to wake up at 4am yesterday
for a 7am shift start at Charing Cross Station...
ol' Lizzie was being moved from Buckingham
Palace to a hall in Westminster...
lucky for that i was supervising 8 stewards:
well... 4 stewards and 4 SIA licensed badge
owners...
they gave me the role of supervisor
based on my performance prior: nothing to do
with any qualifications: no NVQ level 3 required
of me whenever i'm needed to fill these shoes...

Charing Cross Station was our castle...
i was on the forefront of the whole affair...
at one point i had several police officers under
my obligation to direct the traffic of people:
we only had one guy jump the gates...
one... and we're talking Wednesday...
not the actual state funeral that's going to take
place on Monday...
30 crowned heads of state: **** me: imagine
how many will come from the republics...

it's not your everyday occasion: i know it "feels" stupid:
but there's a reason why Charing Cross St.
was managed in the way it was...
the crowd couldn't enter Villiers' St. just by
Charing Cross St. on a whim:
all the "window-lickers" could: obviously:
they were hindered... by their lost accessibility
practices of the two peddles of feet...
directing them to Adam Street just off Nero Cafe...
yes... round round... just an extra mile...

oi! mate! stop being so rude! you're the supervisor!
does that make me a *******, saint, mate?!
this is ******* stupid!
just walk round: loose 4 grams of your fat!
******* plebs, turnips! beetroots!
i wouldn't say donkeys... but i can insult
a vegetable, comparing the intellect of those:
self-serving habitual ***** of solipsism!
the queen is dead yet you're still acting like spoilt
brats!
mourning my ***!

at least we now know that one of the supposed
horsemen of the Apocalypse isn't actually a horseman...
death rides on a donkey...
or if it's not riding on a donkey it's walking its horse:
death either rides a donkey or is walking beside
its horse...
all these people: a fountain of youth will drown them:
while the tide of mortality will swallow them...

there is always a reason for something being
arranged when it comes to controlling crowds...
i don't need qualifications to know that:
the best way to keep morale is to approach
supervision with a hands off approach...
i had two fellow female supervisors working with me...
on the spreadsheets given:
let me tell you: there wasn't enough speadsheet
space for them to write comments...
and they wrote: ******* Charlotte Brontë snippets
of comments: oh this guy took 10 minutes more
on his break... blah blah this... blah blah that...
*****-"bosses"...
but did they keep morale? did they upkeep
respect?

of course they didn't traction respect:
they were too busy being busy bodies:
they warped the hierarchy...
me? when i was filling out the spreadsheet
for those "under" me?
they wrote paragraphs... me?
i just wrote: good, good, excellent,
   good, good, o.k., o.k., excellent...
i later started talking to the two guys who
i submitted as "o.k."... scribble the o.k. out
and put them down as good...
why? they "enlightened" me concerning
the difference between how the Portuguese speak
and how the Brazilians speak...
even though one was Bangladeshi / Sri Lankan...

the Brazilians sing... they elongate their speech...
blah blah this... blah blah that...
breaks? whenever you feel like it...
blah blah this... blah blah that...
i wasn't standing behind them as some sort
of authority... just because i had a different
coloured bib to them...
i was manning the ******* barrier along with them...
as a man should do...
but obviously women have this hierarchical
fixation whereby they think: comes centralised:
from the top to the bottom...
no... aha ha ha! authority comes from
the bottom up!
you make everyone feel equal: not everyone is:
but if you can make everyone equal...
you showcase what you're supposed to do: by actually
doing it... rather than simply telling them
what to do... guess what?! they'll do it!

why? because you're also doing it!
people remind me of when i used to ride horses...
relaxing the reins and gently strutting...
straining the reins when galloping...
hell... if i managed to get a few Greater Manchester
police officers under my umbrella of
"authority" just because i had the word
"supervisor" on my bib and it was
a different colour: i don't take the role i'm elevated
to all that seriously:
it's a bit of a *****... i have to be "there" early...

but leave women in the role of supervisor?
you'll get disorder in the ranks...
they take it too seriously: it's not the army...
one guy had his umbrella confiscated...
i comforted him: you won't be needing it today...
yes, you will get it back at the end of the shift...

i remember the first time a woman said to her child:
mind the man, girl... was it my height, my beard,
or my age that prompted: MAN?
i was also gob-struck-mute when one of the stewards
addresses me as: SIR...
the first time he uttered the word in my direction:
sir... X(blah blah)... huh?! i'm a sir now?!

the second time he rephrased himself...
Sir... so what do i call you? Sir or...
mate mate... just call me Matthew... and your umbrella
is just fine and dandy...

from experience: it's usually a female supervisor:
a role that should never be given...
it's basically a cull-call...
some variation of the abortion right of who
ought to be employed-living
or dead-unemployed... women are *******
savage when given the wrong sort of authority!
March of the Little Hitlers...
what was my summary of the people working under
me? good good, excellent, good good, o.k. o.k.:
which i later scribbled out into good
when we were talking about the Portuguese language...
i hate women in a hierarchy:
they're power-trapped: strapped to a level
of competence they exact too much authority over
people that need to be reeled into a comfort zone
of respecting you detailing to them:
you have no basis for authority:

aren't you supposed to learn from the best?
who just died?! didn't she... confront this metaphysical
conundrum with a master plan of expertise?!
of course she ******* did!
women aren't leaders...
Joan of Arc... an exception...
Boudica... an exception... hardly Helen of Troy...
i can't... maybe i'm wearing a ****** on
my head... or maybe some aeroplane "plastic"
of aluminium... sorry... sorry girl...
i'm... quick to forget.. what was the plan?
me? being cucked?! in favour of your pencil-neck
am ambitions?!

**** me: you send one more of these security staff back
home because they're: "not up to your standards":
you'll have a crew of about : 2!
women are: "supposedly" expected to work with
children... to be honest? i wouldn't leave
a woman alone with a child of mine even
if someone paid me!
i don't know where these FREAKS come from!
they already branded themselves with tattoos...
nearer to a HOG than a BABE...
they're not communists... not Slavic communists...
not economic minded people:
they are ideologue  numb-skulls and half-wit
sort of retaining ******* remnants of a remaining
masculinity... basically the SOYO BOYO BUILD UP...

i still have to write... why: i don't remember how i sent to sleep
last night...

women can't control men...
  they're too: CONTROL FREAKS...
men don't respect women in power...
women respect men in charge of men...
and who is respected: as a "man of power":
a man who is akin to his fellow man...
man for the like of man...
women... don't understand this!
while women are selfish: men are selfless....

i don't remember how i went to sleep last night,

it's the best suffocating *** i ever had....
***** bit me! ***** BIT me
she sq: nibbled on me!

i don't remember ever being nibbled on!
i could slap a girl's ***...
but? being bitten!?!

    sq? she: sq? what the hell does that mean?
well... i guess the whole Kama Sutra is coming to
a realisation... she likes her *** getting slapped
during *******... and thighs...
she slaps me back...
      i gently bite her chin... she bites back:
with such ferocity that i think i'm ******* either
a vampire or a leech...

mind you: i did manage to pet a cat on my
cider walkabout before entering the brothel...
sitting on a brick wall... the ****** purred
and as i extended my hand: maybe it was
the smell of tobacco or whatever it was...
he hissed and started biting me...
then we played a game of "paws":
i tried to tease it while he struck me...
hmm... now it makes sense...

it's all geographically sound: like the butterfly
at X and a tornado at Y...
chaos theory... nothing makes sense yet
at the same time: everything makes sense:
if you're aware enough...

just like my idea concerning...
if there's an equation akin to:
   E = MC²

                 if there's the speed of light squared:
then there must be an equation with
the speed of light, CUBED, i.e. C³...
                    if we're not talking energy...
if we're not talking mass...
we must be talking about an equation with
the speed of light cubed and... gravity...
i still don't understand why the speed of light
has to be squared... but it has to be...
but surely there has to be some sense of the speed
of light cubed: contained as it is within
the form of the sun...
there has to be some cubic stability to its speed:
something akin to it being contained by
way of it being uncontained...
the principle of synonym-antonym follows suit:

red is also crimson is also a hue very much pink...

hmm: come to think of it... i like being bitten...
i don't think i've ever seen a pornographic flick
where either actor bit another...
obviously i tried to avoid all the Western: STALE
kinks of hierarchical brutalism...
come to think of it? no... i don't think i have:
have? i haven't seen a pornographic flick
where people bite each other during *******:
like dogs during play...
it wasn't biting: biting... it was a sexed-up
antithesis of eating...

as some say: man is a political animal,
or man is a social creature...
                   me? i'm just the next fathomable outlier
that's sexed up and getting it and wanting
even more...

because you can't just have one love interest...
since at that point: what some deem as love:
others start deeming it sport...
no wonder i have such a narrow scope
of interests... all have to come back to: women...

**** me... she's pushing it... but she's pushing
it in the right sort of direction:
i don't remember the last time i had
unprotected *** with a woman:
esp. a *******...
she changed her number... she gave me her new number...
the first picture she sent me was showcasing
her ***... pretending to wear heels...
i.e. on her tip-toes...
wearing this glorious lingerie: red...
her skin tone doesn't match up well with red...
i was thinking: pale green... pale blue...

when i'm with her i think: oh **** these western,
Anglican prunes of women!
they're there for thirsty Muslim women to
****: i don't do timid: i don't do shy
(forced tautology)...
i need experience... i need sorrow...
play that timid game long enough
you'll probably be sitting opposite me on the tube
starting to pretend to be a drummer:
with a fidgety tapping of the leg...
like this one beauty: and i mean: she was a beauty...
features unlike most Spanish girl...
she looked gorgeous without make-up...
but she was showcasing her locked screen of
her phone: with make-up... i knew it right
there and then: but i was half asleep coming
back from a shift: i was in a *******-mood
not in a romantic mood...

she had that classical beauty about her...
enlarged eyelids... but enlarged eyelids
and the perfect proportion of them being enlarged
between the distance between her eyes and
eyebrows was pleasing to my eyes...
tangled hair... and that Sumerian tangle
of side-burns: pushing her into a category of
a woman from the Raj: the highest caste...
mar-ve-lous... it's a new sport for me...

watching out for nervous women: lip-reading...
some men turn to trainspotting...
me? i turned to... ******-spotting:
i'm oh so curious to see at what point
a woman's sexuality wakes up...
when she realises that she has potency and legality
to attract the opposite ***...
mind you: i did start ******* prematurely:
aged 8... i was even so bold as to teach
one proselyte circumcised **** to *******
with me... in the bath... while my mother was
ironing a shirt...

squeamish? me? no no...
it's still only 11:30 in the morning
and i've already put on the washing...
done the stewarding chores of the household
(mum has arthritis...
i'm a stauch propagator of Japanese
*** culture... if not a brothel? then?
a love hotel... simple)

Khadra, Khedra... Khedija robbed me that one
night...
this one's birthday... that one's birthday...
this one's name day... that one's name day...
keeping up with a harem is not exactly "fun":
well, it is...
if you can keep a hard-on...
during ******* and in between biting me
she inquired: why haven't you ******* yet...
being self-conscious (from time to time)
i tried to figure out the "plumbing":
oh... you know why?
i pulled out... went over to the sink...
turned on the water... waited for the hard-on
to disappear: one "artery" is clogging another
"artery": a man breathes through the same
hole he eats from...

a man propagates from the same hole he ******
from... i turned on the water... waited
for the hard-on to *******...
water, water: everywhere: but not a drop
to drink...
ah... i squeezed out the bothersome ****
that dissuaded me from climaxing from
a "lost uncle" of a "long lost muscle" of tease...
but that's the thing about the right
sort of woman...
you do turn into a Duracel Bunny...
it's switch ON / switch OFF...

i remember times when i was completely undermined
by women: thinking i had an ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION...
apparently not... the wrong sort of women
give me erectile dysfunction: i'm not willing to correct
that "problem" with any chemical cocktail of
"improvement": ******: at least they're not shy:
they know what they're doing...
at least they know that emotional investments comes:
post-scriptum, not: pre-scriptum...

how do i know? i paid her for half an hour...
she notices i have more money in my wallet...
she sieves through the extra £60 on me...
takes out a £20... half an hour turns into an hour:
or so it feels... feels is better than what's actually
apparent... she tells me her birthday is on Saturday:

buy me a present! o.k.: what the ****?!
ring?! no no... that's *******... book?! i gave her
a copy of my poems... what then? what then?!
Matthew? didn't she send you a copy of her standing
with her *** showcased and her legs...
her arms seemingly tied her raven hair across
her back?                Matthew?      genius!
lingerie! i'll buy her something **** to then
**** her in!

right... Matthew? what?!
did you notice that when you last saw her...
her bra was too big for her *****?
yes, i did...
do i buy her a lingerie in secret or do i ask
for her measurements... gamble...
**** it: i'll ask for her measurements...

- what is your lingerie size, bra? too big?
i want to go shopping for you
tell me, so i know.
- M
    36B 85
      You tek M better...

i don't remember the last time i went shopping
for lingerie... she's not 36B... no chance in hell...
she has petite *******...
my hand is half full when i grasp them...
she stands... while i kiss her forehead...
eye-sight in line with my *******...
but that's what's so glorious...
she's Turkish... and i'm...
if it wasn't for the Northern Crusades:
the Polacks defending the last remnant of paganism
of Lithuania against the Pig-Crux...
i would be nothing without a history
i have the luxury to explore...

Casimir the Great invited the Hebrews...
who was that Schtad-Mein-Feuer
in command of Auschwitz played by X
who uttered the same words?
maybe it was an exalted plan to excuse the Hebrews
from Europe... surely the "invitation"
of Muslims into Europe will be painful at first...
but perhaps it will: less so...
hell: i'm already in favour of ******* Muslim
women...
even unto Khedra i uttered my favorite saying:
bound to Rumi:

la illaha il allah...

   as anyone living on Malta what the noun
for god is... all will utter the noun: allah...
all? ah! what a sigh of relief!

monotheism is one massive cesspool of globalism
to begin and end with...
it's a massive joke on the people:
the prophecy of the resurgent tower of Babel...
the language is already in place: English...
but the good news is...
at least we'll have a second "chance":
it's not really a chance... it's a waiting game...
i'm telling you: the cull is going to be massive...
it's already in our unconscious: collective:
which is why you see it in the popular culture:
**** always floats to the top...

globalism one way or the other...
after all: dinosaur juice is not as infinite as the sun...
there's philosophy and there's pessimism...
philosophy doesn't look too far ahead
to be unrealistic... stupendously slow
on revising itself: there's no pin-point of "departure"
in philosophy: there's only the "game"
of the build-up... philosophy is preparation...
it's akin to cooking in that:
cooking is everything that is...
the technicalities...
while philosophy is: how much ingredients
are needed, what is the process of preparing a meal?

if anyone should accuse me of being pompous?
i'll start writing about ******* ******!
****'s sake!
even my mother, once upon a time,
called me an: intelligent, BEAST...
and i am just that!
i know what i am!
           when i was ******* Khedra she uttered
innumerable blasphemies...
i was little **** at one point... then slow at another...
she wanted to cuddle: complained that
i showered myself with cold water...
she called me mad... she couldn't stop looking
into my eyes... and i into hers...
brown for green: sold!
   biting: my god... i'm starting to love the biting...
tongue licking lips...
still those eyes: and the way she uttered:
*******... yeah: you are, ******* me...
or is that the other way round?!

at least we, i hope "we" didn't take it personally...
then again... she did send me a picture
of her and her daughter...
she's asking me for a present:
i chose lingerie... because i want to **** her
when she looks all the more sexed up (****)
but then she sends me pictures of her and her daughter:
so what? you want me to foster this Frankenstein?
gladly!
              why? oh you know why...
just read Marquis de Sade's magnum opus of a novella
that's ******...
i'm not that stupid to know what urges
motivate my virility and lust for life...
it's always the forbidden "things" that give man
the purpose for life: and that purpose is bound
to those forbidden "things" and the ability to restrain
their realisation!

it's the restraint on realising taboos:
taboos that come into fruition are... rotten...
but? restrained taboos? that rot the mind,
or rather: exfoliate the mind into bloom?
my god! the temple of the gods!
the eyes of Oedipus! right there! on the altar!
everything entertained by the mind
is sacred: even if extended on the privy
within the confines of script...
sacred upon the moment it is made
sacrilege and exacted against the mind's
entertainment: whereby the cognitive restrains
are bypassed: and said taboo is exacted...

we all want healthy ***...
impersonal ***... *** that money best allows...
transactional ***... clarity ***...
but this is one ******* level up:
she's asking for gifts... she's getting emotionally attached...
i'm starting to think about finding a new brothel...
all those pictures she's sending me
of her and her daughter: yes... man missing...
she's even showing me pictures of a house
she's doing up in Turkey...
she needs £180,000 and then she'll be happy...

i do have a certain banknote... well... several...
that could be worth just as much: if not more...
Tsar Nicholas II is a familiar face in a painting, no?
but on a banknote?!
by now ****** or no ****** doesn't bother me...
a ******* with a beautiful girl like her's?
it would be much more easier to foster a girl
of a single mum than it would to foster
a boy with a single mum:

oh! no ******* way! single mum with an only child
boy?! THAT'S ******* DEMISE!
that's not happening! that's Oedipus!
that's patricide! that's infanticide!
i'd want to **** the mother as much as i'd want
to **** her pup!
a single mum with a daughter i could handle:
it works just fine... Ancient Rome gave us lessons
about the abnormality of fostering *******:
fostering sons never works out "just fine"...

- it's like with this one record i recently found:
HASLINGER - FUTURE PRIMITIVE
a rare glimpse into 1990's culture...
from 1994...
rarely do you get anyone bold enough
to say: **** is ****... all those muddled waters
of fiction... and crisp-crass methodoligcal
poetic: hiding behind ******* RHYMES
and structures...
never anything worth talking over: or for that
matter: talking into...

there are about five fingers on each of my hand:
no, there actually are... ****...
WONG FACTION, i.e. wrong fraction...
too much TAOISM in me...
first i'll cycle to recycle the empty
whiskey bottles... then i'll cycle to
peep at some vinyls: will i find the "one"
i want? probably not... then i'll walk into Anne
Summers and pretend to be all shy
all paedophilic choosing out the bra
and *******: suspenders...
does the nylon come free?

   i'll play a game... i like: gay-mmmm's...
god:
i don't care for those insufferable wastes
of men thirsting at the fountain of ****!
i'm having my fill, i don't care
whether my writing is elevated from
the sewers into the mainstream:
my writing is merely an accompaniment
to the life i'm living...
and i love my life more than i could
ever love my writing...
after all:

res cogitans "vs." res extensa...
i write by extension:
not by thinking...
i never think about what i'm about to write:
writing is as extension of me
elaborating twiddling with my fingers:
i really have itchy finger-tips...
i sometimes express that by rubbing them
on coarse items akin to bricks:
before moving them to the oyster flesh
of a woman's body... tenderising them...

yeah: and i know what EUTHENASIA
is... when i get too old: and less useful...
i do know where the "fire exit" is... plonker...
you know where assisted suicide is?
or are you too ******* frightful?!
death is my ****** ******!

mind you: who the **** dubbed the likes
of X X X X and me?
hellraisers?! we were simply workaholic-alcoholics...
we liked to drink, we HAD to work...
******* women was a bountiful: BONUS...
the eager ones... we left the "virgins"
to the beta males...
i get the itch whenever i think about
all those celestial nuns in their stupendous
salvaging of virginity:
each one and every one waiting to be greeting
a "****** birth" of a "god": b'ah b'ah bad:
it's probably more true that Hey-Zeus was
Jesus-ibn-Snow / *******!

i lost my "faith"... a long time ago...
from the explosion of the Atom Bomb
and the unearthing of the Nag Hammadi Library
and the accounts of the Hebrew historian:
Josephus ibn Mattheus...
the FALSE PROPHET FROM EGYPT...
north America can falsify a lie...
i don't care... i'm more interested
in upkeeping the decency of Russia...
and what remains of Europe.

                     nope... i'm lost on the concept
of conversion... Islam seems more politically viable
to make choice: on... than... this: pseudo-polytheistic
sputnik of a plethora of doubt:
faith: i' will sooner **** on the cross than be bound to:
what?! pray before the image of torture!
you're no god! you're simply a sadist!

this god didn't deserve a death!
this god didn't deserve a, life!
******* Moloch Spawn!

the cats seem completely devoid of any fact -
any of the usual seasonal claustrophobia
associated with this month...
let the sane grey days return: pronto!
i'm dying from this... hanging expectation...
4 years of christmas outside of a protestant
country - where: i'm unsure who's who
or rather: who's celebrating what...
civic christmas... throw me back into a catholic
country with no internet access...
with the only entertainment being reading
a book... among the pensioners where:
a chance meeting someone my own age...
died along with the death of the metalurgy
industry... little ol' me aged 8 moving from
one place to another, learning a new language...
fraternity cwy (that, that almost looks like
a welsh word)... baby?
no... i just don't know what to make of christmas...
it's been 4 years in the making...
perhaps i became too used to all the catholics
celebrating this period in a religious sense...
perhaps i could jigsaw my way into these 3 days...
by during christmas eve everyone settled
their grief and beef... they have been fasting...
"fasting"... i.e. not eating meat of the earth...
eggs and fish and... mainly fish...
and christmas eve would be night...
of utmost humility...
i did serve up a circa 15 dish supper...
the prawn cocktail came out of nowhere
when i had leftover prawns from only using
one can of crab meat for the prawn, crab,
smoked salmon cream cheese pate...
trout caviar and dill to garnish...
i made the poppy-seed roulade...
the chocolate coating with sprinkled coconut...
the fish ala greek was there...
the red borscht from beetroots and the dumblings...
but... nothing was really there...
i did all the work preparing the supper...
over 2.5 days and... we sat at the table for...
perhaps an hour... we ate with our eyes
and i didn't even eat a complete slice of bread...
we ate with our eyes...
tomorrow will be no better...
i've already prepared the meat that will be sliced
cold (pork and beef)... i'll just bake the most
perfect tatties... and the pristine sized carrots...
i'll probably bake some peppers and an onion...
and some garlic... glaze it with some honey
and balsamic vinegar... probably sprinkle some
cumin seeds to boot...
and there will be a portion of bigos too...
and... we will still eat with our eyes...
we'll be somehow fasting...
perhaps it's easier... when you have a grandfather,
a former stouch "communist" looking for
god in the depths of dementia and lethargy...
perhaps the superstitious grandmother who
came to the city from a small village where:
farming was still done...
but i guess... family...
they're all ******... but now i see how
the english treat it... in no way different to everyone
else... but i really did think i was going
twice-over mad... when...
classic.fm started it's groundhog day repertoire
bound to a hour on repeat...
if i hear... another ******* christmas carol...
if you play me another aled jones: walking in the air!
i'll flip! so i turned the radio off in the kitchen
becoming soothed with being *******...
somehow irritation became a music that
my body found comfortable...
what a staggering difference between a...
protestant christmas eve and a catholic christmas
eve... 4 years and... this being the 5th...
i have absolutely no sense of anticipation...
in a sense: pst... remember... you're in a protestant
country... in a post-nationalist blah blah...
these are civic festivities... they are irreligious...
i was going to bake butterfly turkey ******* tomorrow...
stuffed with thyme infused butter under
the skin to give the ******* moisture...
but i have already made the pork and beef...
tomorrow will only be the most spectacular
sad day... i can't stomach it...
i couldn't stomach all the presents prior...
thinking about it now...
perhaps until the age of 15...
i can't begin to fathom being so easily let-off...
time and its claustrophobia... 'tis' a season to be
merry... merry about what?
in that civic sense.... outside: even faking
a religiosity is better within the confines of these
3 days that... staging some pseudo-bollocking...
looks like the in-breds are coming home...
the same ones ashamed of their family throughout
the other days in the year...
i can still remember a christmas...
it must have been 1990 - i was four then...
it's a memory but it's more or less a painting...
a round table... the great-grandmother was still
alive... and the extended family was there...
aunts, uncles... cousins...
now? it's either me and my grandparents...
and an uncle... or it's me and my parents...
and at a time when... you're still not sure whether
your mother is having adverse side-effects
to the anaesthetic after a hip-replacement operation...
in god's given everyday-grey-mantra-of-monotony:
this would be a walk in a park...
but given: what's to be "expected"...
i was once told a proverb:
you look best with your family: in photographs...
perhaps that should extend to friends too...
oh i do remember what life ought to be...
a weekend in Paris circa 2004 and 2005...
summer and... once in autumn...
it's but a figment of my imagination...
introspection without anger...
my unit of thought that has not succumbed
to a psychological scrutiny -
a gimp suit and some pickling juices...
well... it's hardly an anger when the romanticism
of depression: melancholy is so ripe...
but to the cats it's just another day...
and here's me... with predicates...
celebrated christmas: matthew "celebrated"
christmas by cooking a supper on christmas eve
that everyone decided to eat with their eyes...
a meal that... has matthew a wife,
a daughter or a son?
does he want a wife and a child?
would that change - the otherwise overshadowing
impasse of existential "problems" that
could never mature in their...
mainting a sense of: a problem...
if such problems were replaced with...
not buying a daughter / a son a gift they'd want...
not earning enough money to treat a wife
to something?
problems and... problems...
i guess i should be content with my problems:
"problems"... i should be happy wearing my own shoes...
even though: i wish i could have seen this
food disappear, today... hollow bones left:
even the marrow ****! gone...
perhaps then i'd be happy... if i cooked and what
i cooked: disappeared...
that would be a thrill...
but then... "beggars pride"? is that even allowed?
murky waters of everything that...
i remember that look...
timing... a beggar woman outside a supermarket...
a man giving her spare change...
oh he wasn't looking at her giving her the money...
he was looking at me giving her the money...
the guilt-tripping...
i can almost imagine: in a cashless society...
she suddenly takes out a debit-card payment
machine and... i give "charity" via...
what already is a cashless society...
does racial distinction have to be minded -
you're expected... hell... i expected all this food
to be eaten by ghosts of my dodo cul de sac
family... last time i heard:
the worst gift for christmas is a card filled with
money... i've received those once or twice...
i have to agree with myself:
this should not have been written...
but given that there are no typos bound to it...
i did something that tradition required...
which is a real shame that...
it can: that so many things will die...
before i actually die...
and for some reason...
there's nothing of despair bound to it...
only an irritability: cookie-coating it sweet...
it's irritating that something will die before
i die... tradition... social norms...
cultural cliches... call it what you like...
autopsy: to "blame" a "at-no-one's-expense of fault"...
a chair is a chair...
a moon is a moon...
today is just today...
tomorrow is just tomorrow...
2am is just 2am...
a glass of whiskey is just a glass of whiskey...
there are no consequences...
just detours...
perhaps somewhere a mind less preoccupied
with writing this little something...
tending to far more important problems:
to life's problems... not de facto problems...
nothing existential... nothing continental...
nothing associated with: jean-paul sartre
did his autobiographical stunts...
lived with his mother... was given a state funeral...
beneath which there's that english pride
of country and estate...
you've made it son... being freed from all
familial ties... at least...
or perhaps: i was given the wrong first impressions?
come to think of it...
i don't know the english...
i went to a school in a perdominantly irish
neighbourhood...
last time i checked... the irish went back home...
why the **** i didn't go back "home"...
perhaps it would have helped if i was born
here, in england... perhaps then i would have this
urge to go back "home"...
and almost every time i visit... i do...
but only because the grandparents are there...
no... no conclusive wisdom here...
it's christmas and... there's no church presence...
and i'm not comfortable not sitting back
in a secular malaise of my own reading
some Knausgard...
becaused this secular malaise is everywhere...
and i don't have a bunch of catholics
surrounding me... gesticulating the point
of these festivities.... that's mighty bothersome...
which is an exagerration on my part...
why there's a chritmas tree in this house...
well it's there... almost monochrome...
silver and gold...
and it's just there... and... i'm starting...
frankly the period of anticipation is more rewarding
than... whatever it was that was being anticipated:
but never came.

ugh...
english English
and american English -

that famous war
of phonetics:

toe-may-t'oh
    tomato -
t'oh-m'ah-toe...

as far as i'm concerned
the dictionary lies...
****'s up with
potatoes and tomatoes?

i play tennis with
ha-shem...

   /təˈmɑːtoʊ/

ʊ: is not a macron O
    ō, but it is:
         H            |            H
kicking down the middle...
oh...
    oh really...
        really?

don't get fooled by the
upper-tier alphabet
rewrite of a word
with disparaging encoding
lettering...

   and when i feel lazy:
i listen to the blues...

and it's not really about potatoes
and tomatoes...
  it's also about
leisure and labor...
    how did that doctor
of classics claim the word /
utter it?

  leisure = lee-ßure -
not lay-ßure...

          but lee-ßure...
like lesion...
      
   and if you knew anything
about graphemes:
ß = S & Z
  interchangeably -
    which is also equivalent
to the slavic SZ...
or SH in the germanic tongues...

poe-tay-t'oh...
       not poo-tay-t'oh...
not toe-may-t'oh...
  t'oh-m'ah-toe...

and isn't this the obvious
presence of the Hebrew
puzzle of ha-shem?

                tow-may-tow...
toe-may-toe...
tow-may-toe -
   toe-may-tow...

          m'ah... breath / consonant
catcher...
              in this instance...


is it really lesion / lee-ßure
and not lay-assurance,
i.e. lay-sure?
           leisure, really?
lesion,
lee-ßure...
                
                   i almost forgot
to figure this word out...
  that being said...
i can't believe that i focused
my ontological basis
on the ground of etymology,
rather than the Darwinism
plot-line...

           the prevalent word(s),
and...
           this is really a poem about
when i was laughed at
during a coach trip
to the swimming pool from
St. Augustine's school
for swimming lessons....

apparently the sports brand...
in England...
is pronounced
Pjúm'ah...
      and not Púm'ah...
  Puma...
                
    from there on in...
   pew m'ah... haunted it...
   when someone attempts to correct
your pronunciation?
your grammar?
      
   hmm...
                     you buckle down,
and dig a trench;
and ensure your tongue
and fingers turn into a machine
gun that ingests the dropping
bodies as fertilizers
for the come: poppies and
beetroots.

i'm feeling good... i'm charging up... i've been charging
up for about four days so far...
jerking off without climaxing...
fixating on the crack: the grand canyon(s) between
the the ******* and ***...
my god... sprinkle some blues on me:
give me some alcohol... i need a straitjacket...
a... straightening-jacket...
i look sort of hunched... wild-eyed in my head:
but obviously playing poker externally...
i'm charged... Duracell bunny on the ready...
i can't wait for tomorrow...
that ****** shift... finishing at 9pm but getting
paid until 11:30pm...
i don't mind... the number of gigs i've seen...
sure... Coldplay have created the best atmosphere...
i hardly looked in the direction
of the stage... i was looking at the crowd
enjoying themselves: by "consultation" with the crowd:
i was enjoying myself...
     the best precursor for an hour in a brothel awaits me:
how many tender wrists did i touch...
fiddling with the wrist-bands last time?
ugh... sausage fingers of mine...
shy girls with wrists the girth of my *****...
ha ha... exaggeration... close enough... some...
me fiddling with tender hands trying to focus on
the binding... of course i touched them "up"...
well... the most tender meat in man is...
on the inner-parts... on the inner-parts of legs:
where thighs are external...
around the wrists... i sometimes elevate *******
to caressing myself around the inner skin
of my arms...
recently: rather: today: i started thinking about...
Albert Fish... it's not like i have a fetish for
American serial killers...
but you have to admit... inserting needles into your
groin prior to execution...
this inability to feel pain?
   exquisite... it had to be...
   or rather: it's not about not feeling it: it's like
that android in Prometheus exacted while
watching Lawrence of Arabia:
it's not that it hurts: it's not minding that it hurts...
i'm going to enjoy tomorrow...
fat chance of my going back to that Lahore curry house...
that Tikka Lamb wrap was utterly ****...
i'm heading for the cheapest... chain-gang-burger at
McDonalds... it's one thing to appreciate
the independent bicycle shop to get your bicycle fixed:
quiet another for any local north London grub:
just give me the Romford chicken shop alternative
just right off the station...

wrist-bands again... i'll be touching up so many maidens
up... perfect for me: i have a fetish for hands...
for hands... wrists just dissolve me...
shy eyes to boot...
i frenzy in a deep freeze while there's only heat
around me!
to hell with being a political creature:
to hell with being a social creature...
what i learned from Marquis de Sade i elevated
to the statures of Ovid: and i became alchemical!
i'm not stopping...

the crudeness of Marquis de Sade mingling
with the nobility of Ovid... what will you get?
you won't get... that crude example of
the womaniser that was Casanova...
perhaps: if i had the money i already have...
but then: life would be boring...
i like living a life not having what i could easily
have... if... i sold a few things in my property:
but... that would be boring... boorish...
i'm sentimental about beetroots...
and potatoes...

                         you probably didn't ask but i'll tell you:
women... of such volume... i... i...
i just can't help myself...
they have bodies that embody you...
they mingle with you...
they're like serpents...
i might have to do some extra push-ups...
i am high: perhaps drinking:
but the mere thought of *** secured is
like a drug...
of all sorts... i hope i don't dream up
anything... i probably won't...
    
i have ***** socks... even though i mopped the house
today... i can't find my loafers...
oh no no: i know where i have my shoelaces...
they're still attacked to my shoes...
what?!

the age of the guitarists is over...
it's down to the drummers and the bassists...
i should have started playing the drums...
i'm usually perched on a windowsill with
an invisible crow pounding out a rhytn:
hey! if Walt Whitman can write a song
of self-celebration!
i'll better him!

it usually takes three degrees of separation...
for me? it only takes two...

bassists: Michael Balzary (Flea)
  "vs." Justin Chancellor...
               Red Hot Chilli Peppers vs. Tool...
likewise the drummers...
Chad Smith "vs." Danny Carey...

        i'm not going to entertain any dialectical
approach: my opinions are fixed...
hmm... Socrates... what you think about
aesthetic-dialectical-fixations?
they have to exist, no? i just stated mine...
you can't approach certain matters
of discussion with a dialectical approach
to undermine your opponent
with a counter argument?
Socrates... you're not going to persuade
me! aesthetics lies outside the realm
of dialectics! the eternal motto:
beauty lies in the eye of the beholder:
you will be unable to change, my, mind!

you can't!
you can't tell me what i like or what i don't
like: what i'm supposed to or not supposed to, like!
which is why the idea of fame:
so many people aspire to: is so... flimsy...
it's flimsy because: the fame that is supposed
to arrive with it: is so selective:
if i were to call on fame: i'd call upon a deity!
all must know: or none at all!

i'm hardly begrudging: i'm just willing
to allow: people to make the willing sacrifices to understand
that... fame is a difficult process of
attainment: me? i'm aiming for fame...
after i die... not when i'm alive: hell no!
but not even Socrates... attired himself
in undermining the arts...
too scared... the ****** marched into war...
but attacking artists was too much for him...

what, dialectic when it comes to art?
people are fickle... "class" A likes art B...
"class" B likes art C...
you can't avoid the tides of the Thames
or the seas like you can't avoid the whims and fickleness
of peoples' preference regarding what
art is to be liked: what art is to be ignored:
what is to be abhorred: and what's to be
discarded!

there's no room for dialectical reasoning
when the sole reasoning is
a collectivised matter of: consensus!
there's no room for a quest for independent thinking
in some areas of life... art... entertainment:
no chance!
   one can at best: make hypothesis after hypothesis
at a distance... but never
able to implement any change...
no change is going to come
from an idea toward a system that behaves
with a kinship to its natural environment...
the entertainment industry changes with
what can be: at best... ascribed to a flock of investors:
or their lack of...

scared baby boomer typos of period-drama zombie folk
too scared to attempt euthanasia...
oh: but i'm here...
i'm gearing up...
i have my wet lips... tomorrow i'm hoping
to **** on a *******'s **** for free...
i'm here... whoever the **** i am...
i'm getting ready...
i'll die: that is certain...
but perhaps i'll have a legion of shadows
to manage...
who knows! after all, god is dead!

but before i go? i need children and animals on my side...
i need to showcase a few examples of
my benevolence on these poor creatures...
i need to be kind to children... i need to be kinder
to animals... the rest? will follow...
i've already done some of the exacted work...
thank you: thank you me, me... thank you: me...

that's how "the" hierarchy works...
first... be kind to animals... regardless of your
dietary requirements... the ones you pet...
what's that infamous Kurt Zouma chant
about kicking cats: left right and centre?
it doesn't matter about the diet...
pets... insects are enough proof...
i personally can't **** a fly... mosquitos?!
**** them! those crucifix fixators!

second? treat children in kind: with your own
stature: perhaps treat them with less of your
own stature...

thirdly? women... esp. the prostitutes...
no shame... no agitation...
i feel no pains over her experiences...

fourthly: my fellow man?
like i might treat my own shadow: i basically avoid it...
or: if i must... i peer into it
like a woman might peer into a mirror
and i find something difficult to carry
for a day's worth of carrying anything to begin with...

this has been a day's worth of carrying:
the weight of the entire day...
with sunrise and sunset...
with all the inhibitions of youth
and the exhibitions of old age...

2am is upon me... there's plenty of time to sleep:
and "wish"... Freud can *******...
i don't dream....
i just see or sleep...
                           dreams are the "vantage" pointers
of people that are reminiscent of people:
they're simply peopled-leftovers....
it was: nice... to learn something a little
via being dehumanised...

great learning...
               while they entertained their ******* Ascot...
while they glorified their clinging
to the crown...
i saw termites undermine the glorification
of hell's emblem of the crucifix...
heaven?! heaven didn't send the Lord of Mosquitos
into these realms!
hell did... 2000 glorious years
of progress via suffering!
and what have we achieved?!
the most glorious of things!

                                               hmm!
i dare to think: or not think!
i think we're living in a period whereby
Moloch will arise...
              western woman's fascination
with infanticide...
                    the Epoch of Moloch just started...
hell and all its fury is making a comeback...
for long ago did we fall into this dominion
of metaphors?!
                          ancient times await us... to try to
remember... perhaps that's why i'm not dreaming
when i'm sleeping...
ancient times await us...
perhaps god is forgiving giving the idiots surrounding
him:
perhaps the vanity i.q. of the likes of us
wasn't such a bad thing...
boys! i think we've been told to ascend!
gather up your marching orders!

we're going up! oh no... believe me...
we won't be singing!
apparently no cellos or violins... in the godly choir:
that's... about to change...
we'll be the orchestra! while the innocently new-born
will remain the choir!
oh... but we're going up...  Moloch took over...
women are making sanctity of baby-sacrifice their
natural right equivalent to giving birth!
no wonder the population of Africa and that
of India is exploding...
   i get it: life's too expensive...

Dante, or Milton?
            either: neither...
                             what's happening right now?
thank god i didn't invest in having children...
i'm so glad: oh so glad...
                 i just need one rotten idea of mine
to pass into a mind of a someone i'm genetically unrelated to!

what can i possibly write about, when i have absolutely
nothing to write about?
perhaps i just write enough... until i reach an automaton
mechanism... nothing will be specified,
there will be no plot, no characters,
i'll just latch onto one rubric after an another...
i'll comes across a revision of atoms:
i.e. of letters... perhaps i might... perhaps i might not...
i'll most certainly prey upon the whimsical,
on the easily ignored sort of material...

i should have become a monk, i would have
gladly entered the ranks of the Taizé brotherhood...
i wish i could fall in love as easily as i once did
when i was 18, 19, 20, 21...
the last serious relationship lasted only a few months...
she invited me back to Russia...
i saw St. Petersburg, Metallica in Moscow,
Novgorod... the riches of little men
and the puddles of poverty of a great people...

*** was hardly the compensation:
since i was giving her... i asked... is that 7 multiple
******* in this one night?
sure... she introduced me to in Extremo
and Bulgakov...
apparently on her period... *** starved on the trip...
apparently ******* helps if she's on
her period, ****** on...
in the bath.... flaky skin residues from
*******... but i had to implore...
she was spinning another plate...
her ex... a boy... boy...
who's father was high up in some dept...

she presented her mother as her sister...
her grandmother as her mother...
silly little Siberian ****...
i liked her grandmother...
i ate orange caviar and some Ukrainian borsch...
beetroots and all...
her grandmother said:
seek a man's heart in his stomach...

i know this part of writing...
i've let go...
the *** was so good...
it only took me 13 years later
to find a Turkish ******* to make competition...
then i knew...
it would take a miracle for my now aged
heart to turn to such, naive sentimentality...
mein hertz: diese kleinstein!
it's so horrible when you have passed
people in your life, that absorbed your powers
to engage in naive: trust, love... friendship...
how cautious you must become...
how defensive...

it's a silly project: silly in that...
there's no return...
the *** was great... but: mein gott!
i was so: MI-SE-RA-BLE!
she had the audacity to propose to me...
she even chose an engagement ring
for herself...
after all... a lot did pass since
i was only a visitor to her land...
a slap in the face for:
visiting my grandparents:
i know she cheated: apparently i did too...
she didn't cheat?
while i was drinking ***** with her
ex? while her nephew was hanging around
with a face that read:
oh... it read a mile's worth of depth...
it was a face of melancholy...

but... i did win the haggle on the opera...
we did see la bohème
we didn't see madam butterfly...
i... I! made sure of that...
she might have known some music...
but not this sort of music...
i shed a silent tear during the performance...
beauty agonises me...
tears come as a relief when beauty
is staged... the sort of beauty that
requires an answer...

no... i don't exactly remember her...
it's me! i can't love like that anymore!
like a 21 year old Adonis...
whoever that was...
going mad... spending the years from
being aged 21 through to... circa 35...
the hermit... the monk...
i missed on movements having been
established...
now, resurrected,
working with people:
how... refreshing...
part of a team... focal points of strict
language usage...

only recently i talked with this girl
about the paradox of memory vs. forgetfulness...
cycling...
swimming... the grey area...
once you have learned to ride a bicycle...
once you have learned to swim...
do you remember how to swim?
do you remember how to ride a bicycle?
no... not really...
you don't remember it...
by extension: do you think about it?
no... not really...
can you forget about your ability to swim?
can you forget about your ability
to ride a bicycle?
can you forget to breathe?!
can you forget to blink?
take a ****?!

ha! but you also don't need to remember
such acts... for that matter:
"think" about them...
tattooed deeds...
massively grey...
   i can remember how i loved...
i can remember that i loved...
but... i also can forget how i loved,
that i loved...
or what love is per se...

i ought to have been a monk in that French community...
i still only **** like a Teutonic knight might...
once half a decade...
should the bonsai tiger i'm grooming suddenly
raise up her hind and expose her ****...
then i'll go to the brothel...
but... even if exposed to an insomnia
of libido polarised by mini-skirts and the exposition
of flesh, thighs...
budge me: if you want...
or don the niqab... either way...

i comfort myself by drinking and listening, humming,
later i will learn the words
to... schwäbischkrieglieder!

example:

wir sind geyers schwarzer haufen
hi(gh)-ah: oho...
und woll'n mit tyrannen raufen
hi(gh)-ah, oho...

spiess vor an drauf un dran,
setzt aufs klosterdach den rotehn hahn!

i remember: how i once loved,
how i cannot love, likewise,
in the same way...
the psychopaths have exposed my weakness...
oh sure, now they're left comfortable:
we're just the ones with the scars...
they little idiotic pomps & circumstances
of youth...
i think if was young, once, too...
do i get a second chance?!
ah ha ha ha!

the collective graves of the German soldirs
in the vicinity of Ypres...
a robin will grace the silence...
but, no, single, *******, bird... at the graves
of the allies... no collective graves at the sight
of the allies... ha... "allies"...
but there was a robin in the grave silence
of the collective graves of the Shvabs...
totem riddle... i'm with these guys...

after supposedly being prescribed seeking love...
i found an alternative...
being part of something that might resemble
the army...
a work ethic... i don't want to love...
i want to be competent within the confines
of what i'm supposed to do...
i don't want to love:
i don't want to be a lost teenager...
i loved, once upon a time... such times are over...
i'm not going to love in a way
teenager might...

i might care, for my bonsai tigers...
for ****'s sake: they're not merely cats...
dog lovers *******!
i hate dog lovers... their ******* routines,
their leashes, their muzzles...
their toys of throw... i hate people who glorify
dog ownership above that of bonsai tigers...
annoying little *****...
children prone... i don't mind children...
but not like this... for ****'s sake...

if only i could fall in love as easily as i once did...
father experience taught me otherwise...
oh well... time to move forward...

no chance, i never will... nor that i must,
either.

White scarfs, bald heads, short hair, lengthy strands
That's what colours our days,
Though, not until you realize the shadows within,
And the darkness beneath, where;
The spears clutch,
And the blood spurs,
Yet the ocean's still blue.

It is in the ocean, where;
Patterns are drawn,
And together make the beam,
There beneath, are letters,
Some in blue and others in red,
Then you must realize,
How deceptive the ocean's blue is.

It is the sea camouflaging the blue ink,
And coating the beetroots,
What if we were alike?
How about religion was love?
Then, the ocean would be white,
To somehow reveal the darkness,
The dark concealed underneath worship roofs.

poetry as some vague: pick-me-up...
      "poetry"...

there comes a time in a man's life:
say, he was young and foolish
and by foolish i implore anyone to conjure up

the self-deprecating fantasy of
a james joyce insistence on proclaiming
to the world this... miasma...
no... this myopia of ambition
in the literary realm:

to give unto the world a... "unique" perspective
on life, this... original sin of
prior to me not foot has trodden this path...
well... oh well well...

how void these ambitions of uniqueness
are...
stupor, agony, angst...
lethargy and all the thesauric affluence
of verbiage: like a bouquet of rose
tinted grimaces...

i was not allowed to cry to mourn my grandfather's
passing...
however stingy my grandmother
the mother of my mother was...
he died of impromptu neglect
by someone ripping all the stamps
from envelopes posted...
as if she wanted him to unwillingly known
that no one cared...

it only took a month for the deterioration
to unfold...
i sooner bumped my head on the radiator
in my room, bleeding from my head
sooner i bled from my head
than i uttered a cry, a wolf of agony...

because i was denied mourning...

angels of modern technology...
a seance with my grandfather's son,
my mother's brother...

3 weeks he spent in a medically induced coma...
30 minutes shy off of receiving the call...
i couldn't grimace,
i couldn't fake it...
my face contorted as best it could
to fathom some sort of sanity,
politeness, cordiality,
the socially sensual appeasing, appealing...

but then the video call was cut
and i spent a minute's worth of eternity
contemplating
our morality: "our":
whims, necessities,
money earning habits
money spending gambits,
frivolities and follies...

what was once a man, without due grace
to compare to a butterfly...
simply by sensual agitation
and reaction to light, sound, colour,
darkness...
was now... reduced to a recluse of
the mortal shell...
foggy eyed glass of seeing
murky brain... two hydroceles on the brain...

he vaguely spoke of Valhalla,
how we would feast on beetroots...
if my absence of "ambition" concerning
crossword puzzles was never more adamant
than now, then now:
talking to what was once a butterfly:
regardless of ascribing grace,
but at least virility and an imploding
mortal purpose...
now... a larva... a cocoon even
was what become of an identity
once called: Martin...

does Martin know Martin?
because: sure as **** i don't think i've been
speaking to Martin...
hell... two hydroceles are not two
imaginary horns protruding...
nor is this a gangrene of the work
of electronic tectones
of vaguely associating dreams with
sleep and sleep with death...

i peered into those eyes and tried
to make recollections...
coming to the fore the recollections
of vague, social justice poetics of
the cult of the token ethnicities
this semblance of appearing to live
alongside the Hyperboreans
this allure of desensitising the volk
of the northern cranium
like these people will allow
a language to become a gross grammatical
grotesqueness
on the grounds of a historical lineage
whereby my past is so dissociative
(as oppressor) from the victim -
this allure of the toothless animal
having a grip of the jaws so tight
that regardless of bone by mere evolutionary
ingenuity: necessity is the mother
of all innovation...
this grip of the jaws and the acidic potency
of the saliva easily able to leech
onto anything living and morph
it into protein, fat, carbohydrate,
vitamins, mineral, fibre components...
by suckling to a monstrous grone
of pleasuring-agony of the feast...

bad poetry vibes, otherwise a sensual realism
of the impeding: knock knock...
knock knock... someone's... ooh! at the door...

the world is strangely happening
while this personal crescendo unfolds
and i am wrapped and i am warped
into the minor tickle agony of world-speak
of journalistic world-speak...
weltsprechen...
                           talk about the weather,
talk about the premier league
and whether Liverpool f.c. or Arsenal
still have a chance of clinging
to the league title against
the cigar smoking Guardiola...

weltsprechen... weltspreschen...
me? i like the alt-Germanic addition of the S
because the germans tend to slip
into ich: with the Greek X or Spanish J
for ha ha...
with an addition of S to make -sch- equivalent
to Ś...  akin to Rammstein's song:
ich will...         it's actually isch will...

Ś: DAS IST DER WEISCHER SH'AH
                                                                     Š
שש
               by count 6 arms and 6 candles...
by count a protruding E
and almost a W
although wonk to one side...
an F's marriage to W...

       usher in the argh of a hark at SH'AH...
on the second H(ebrew)...

poor Edie... neglected by my turmoil...
her stay in London undermined all my attention
to create a fantasy of carousel rides...
it would be easier on my heart
to burden myself with tales of her
past with unfaithful partners...
two stones one bird
of my existential 0 at Greenwich
when she retracted her posit
on my claim: the meridian line is more
important than the equator...
at least to us... 17h30min apart
from flying to Lihue from London...
11h apart when stationary...

and she had the child-like tenacity to convince
me that God somehow invented
the equator... ha...
as i clocked in with Prometheus (the movie)
the citation: god does not build in straight lines...
besides one:
the straight line of you are born
and then you are dead...
the only conclave resisting the geometric
abnormality of god and the capacity of
straight lines:

one is born and one is dead
one exists then one doesn't...
ha... the ambiguity of the shrapnel words
of conjunction that are: then...
one is... and...
arguments allocated to:
but one is in heaven then one falls
then one is relocated to a heaven once
more? that is not the rite of the gods
to be bound to a heaven
then disgraced, then humbled...
incarnated among us mortals
to then relearn one's presence as the chosen,
the elect, reconveyining in one's
former abode?!

du haben mich... schrecklich denken...
zweitekummer: a second grief...
for worth of salt
and the yet unexplored Dune universe
that has come as a relief to all science fiction
and Star Wars
in that in latched onto the Islamic universe
and incorporated a second Lawrence of Arabia
myth...
for if Spice and Arakkas...
then Salt and Earth...

                  salt the equivalent of spice...
for us aquatic creatures
to truly belong among the rubble and mountains
we would have to be impregnated
by the tides of thirst and
of distinguishing **** from ****...
to retain the less fluid morph
of the agony of bones and nutrient loss...
to distinguish **** from **** unlike
our humble companions the pigeons...

only days ago i attempted to fall asleep
to an audiobook...
what other audiobook besides
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
would i care to listen to?
for a book so slim...
so much was invested in the curiosity of
Harry's uncle... Vernon Dursley...
such imaginative work by the people
who brought the book to life...
because? seriously?
              well....

the pure stroke of genius came with
the only visualbook that
was the Shawshank Redemption...
more than an audiobook... more more...

höhepunkt:
                      the pinnacle... a phrase of
revelation...
unlike when a lion "tames" an antler mammal
unlike when a spider stuns
and subsequently cocoons they prey
immobile...
death has no voice: only the tightness
of life...
yet... with a creature who will not be eaten
so willingly...
by fraud and self-
    earthquake and sea and fire...
by cancerous growths
those replica botanical spurs of mistletoe...
the voices of the softly weakened
limitless agonia
the mortal gives up his mental faculties
to Death... death personified...
vaguely speaking a speaking...

          this brood of the Nether Lord...
who makes an egotistical incision
to reassure the living:
of the transition period... from animate
to inanimate to animate once
more as grains of sand in the desert
upon the winding of the winds...
and the time, scaled... to imitate droplets
of water...
countless rain drop by drop
covering the entirety of the earth...
both the fertile plains and the inhospitable
distances either north or south
upon the glaciers...

       ich haben gesprochen mit Frau Tod...
the body is there... "there"...
weakened by 3 weeks in a coma,
once recognisable, a masculine threat
on my own integrity concerning the number
of ****** partners...
a prompt to bust my nuts (as it were)...
mortgage paid, money saved,
retired mid 50s...
           and now what?
obliterated plans of a future
spent living back with an 80 year old mother
drinking beer watching t.v.
listening to ****** music
       friends... friends... now like vultures...
clinging to the money...

SĘPY...          vultures...

                     and poor Edie and all of Reyla's
upheavals coming back to Kauai:
ka-wah-e
                  from London...
i did bring the fox at Greenwich
and the two ladies were introduced to London
in the grand style of a Tudor boat ride
from Greenwich pier to Westminster pier...
grimmacking scar-lock of Reyla's face
at every corner... my best estimate overwhelmed
by the sight of such urban conundrum
that it should not: ever... have a chance to exist
against her usual sight of Kawaikini
in the morning...
so much walking... walking everywhere...
walk walk everywhere: but not a seat to sit on...

who could possibly be a fan of violin music?
i asked that once...
because it was just a precursor to
all that guitar and wig lasoo ***** jerking
stage fright fuckery...
before i discovered:
Tartini's violin sonata in G minor
                            
unlike the death wish upon cremation
of the serial killer...
Camille Saint-Saëns' danse macabre?
too ******* jovial!
where the macabre "macbeth"?
the devil weeping is nowhere to be found!
but in Tartini?! oh! aplenty!

the phantom stormed out of the english national
opera... after the first act of
the die zauberflöte...
switch to a scene from Lethal Weapon 2...
Alfons... but but... you're bleak?!
black? bleak? black beak... pity...
but... das opera ist in ĘGLISCH?!

         zee vuck?!

      the phantom stormed out of the opera
and took the girl to get drunk
in the catacombs of the Embankment
in a sherry and other south European wines...
Gordon's Wine Bar... 47 Villiers St (WC2N)...
Trafalgar... the National Gallery prior...
i was on a date night...
but why was Reyla so adamant on staying
at home?
but i know...
time for Edie, mommy... to spend the time
on the town with her hubby...
crying so adamant to let mummy translate
all the *** in the hot-tub and bed
into peacocking without a bothersome "brat"...
who might have liked Camden Market
more than being taken to the up-street
market at Portobello...
by then the Japanese garden didn't matter
in Holland Park...
so stupid, world and the word so stupid...

'i known best'          without not yet...

                 but if only she could have seen that
phantom of the opera production at the king's
theatre... then watched my storming out
of the opera production
being asked by the security staff
         at the entrance / exit... 'will you be returning?'
thank god no...
   this is a complete disaster!
would the english dare to translate an Italian
opera? could the French ever dare to sing opera?!

the English's audacity to pretend to be more
than... the operatic... the musical...
English ≠ Opera...
          
     how can i salvage the 2nd most intrinsic feast
of life while also having to cram in
death...
        well... now i can truly peacock and disregard
any notion of the 37 old man with a
******* sort of worth of a 21 year girl
to ease my take for take of seriousness
maybe in the 20th century as a serious painter
but as a "poet" in the 21st century?
more like king crimson's song:
21st schizoid man...      bilingual, mind you...

but what is bilingualism in the realm
of the polyglots and polymaths?
a stern entrenchment...

this vague allure to subscribe to a life
of contentment, of happiness....
what are they, these allusions
when contending with the clenched fist
of Frau Tod and her cohort of death-speakers?
these reassuring bodies weakened torn
and half-made half-dead half-willing
half-crux foundations of the compass
markers...
if not North then south and east
to Jerusalem and Mecca?

               what of this life to be lived
with the impeding
                                 nuance... PTSD+ us all?
alle von uns?!
                             alle von uns?!

              i drank a little to sever the nerves...
now a bicycle ride for some buns...
and more whiskers for a cat already playing
with the idea of barber as a serious
profession... so no... not some Russian
gimmick of a demon disguised as a cat
(le chat noir) with a streak of professionalism
as a joueur d'échec ***** sympathiser...

e-shek?                      d'eshek?

i will shreak....       shriek!
                i will let the winds know of my breath!
is that how you utter szachy (chess) these days?
i've been playing backgammon by myself
toying with chance, perchance and i no longer
care for the difference...

enough!

and so apprehensive i was
hitting the nail
and nothing
a sleepless pit of sorrows
that in silence
and then with some music
i made an adventure
into high
and kite
and the sky O sworn love
of the eye peering into
itself

    all chores of the household done
and now the occupant
drinking coffee and talking
to a wife

O father O father
where am i to be so disengaged from
here
from now
how i caved in
to all this universe
yet still the claustrophobia
of the ego thinking unattended
seemingly automated
how i sometimes forget
the thinker
and simply am
how i wrestled with thinking
that i then
and then now
realised
how to simply allow the thinking
happen without
the thinker
how i grated
those fresh beetroots
having put on surgical gloves
to not have my hands stained
and diced the red onions
and grated the carrots
and the radishes
to then have finely cut the red cabbage
and yes
oyster sauce
with mayonnaise
perhaps i'd like to think
of the fondness of the Vietnamese
cuisine and fish sauce
otherwise in Spain canned
anchovies...

that ******* wasn't real, was it?
i'm trying to think
undermine the dimension
of jerking off on the toilet
after taking a simultaneous
**** and ****
then jumping into the shower
to baptize myself
was that real
or would it have been
otherwise me in the night
crawling into the brothel
for some prostate genius
gymnastics
of not being exclusive
sow the sharing of what is
women i can truly
ponder what is woman
and in woman a man
i can ponder this cascading
impulsiveness
the works of the house completed
now a second sighting of god
and all the words
and numbers
and how far apart this grimacing glee
bliss
                    blitz

well sure as **** at least i don't have
to get off
as long as she gets off
and i'm steering clear of the brothel
then at least that's
£130 for a canoe
and me and Reyla on the rivers
of Kauai paddling
while also picking flowers
for mother and Edie...
memories of cleaning a toilet
but nothing demeaning
just i crave using the throne
to dethrone
the throne of thrones
in that it is bowel, water,
Heraclitus and proverb.