Constent sound
That's all I hear bickering
They say it's not there
That I'm a white boy ther be nouthing wroung with me
They say all I seek Is atenten
That can't be it since I suffer in silence, cry alone, and to finely stifle the noise, I Speek allowed to them so at less one voice would exit the 9th layer of hell I call my mand
They will never see and I will never Speeking of the voices which drive my imaginations into contplations of zombie ends and thretical debates,  that will shake your minds, hell it cripples mine, the constant debates of there's ******* my mind,  so all I can do is stifle those two words that would not make a lick of a difference, for if I let them slip people will just look at me, and think I'm rebelling "o he's a white boy, he must think our talking is beneath him, he will never know true pain like us minorities"
Ye,ah That's me the majority seeking ******* of minority, causing hell since I never experience it. I am nouthing but an anarkish heaven that sees nouthing but the color of ****, a complete pestmistick
They don't under stand; hell I don't understand my mind ether but to say I'm the majority, is dead wroung, what makes them minority, collor, religion, these I been taught means nouthing and nouthing they are Becuse there thoughts, their harts binds them to all races, not one thought or filling is independent to there race, these groing minority have sunken to the idea that they be the minority but no that is me, the one who can't sit in silence, with out rocking with pain, the words "shut up" forever on my lips dripping with mumbles of zombies and flames as high as buildings with me on top of the talist yelling I'm not insain I'm not insain I'm not insain Until finally I'm lost inside the flames.
And if they knew what hell was in my mind that would be worse, they will try to find the problem with scans and question. Did your dadie **** you? Is your brain ****** up? Why don't you just stop this shirade?  
And when thier questions just lead me screem more at them than at my own head they try to fix me for now I'm a danger so they imprison me for something they coused.
So they put me on psycotic medison , and the voices they continue but easer to with stand. But I'm not me any more I'm different I loss so much but can't grasp what it is. They say I'm a success, and I agree because I want to leave. I don't tell them I still hear voices becuse I don't want them to sedate me agin. I don't tell them I've lost the intelligent young man I was or the insitefull guy that could help people with problems that he him self never had but they would not cair all they want is me to be like them because that all they wish to see.
As soon I'm out of the jail I ditch the mids and I return to my insainity. O how the voices seem to be louder as if they was ****** I locked them up..... But I'm me agin or am I them I just might be them but is that a problem i lie to my famly "yea I'm fine," " yea I took them last night," "I'm happy". They believe me not becuse they do but becuse they want to. They never saw a problem befor yea I was strange but functional but as soon as soon they heard I had a problem they jump on it for it means thay have not failed.
But they have not failed the doctors did they saw a man with a problem that need to be cured when there was only a man who had a problem that he needed to live with a problem that made him better and strange a problem that made him different.
With my problem out in the open I become better at hiding my pain until I get back to my to my apartment where I scream, cry and argue but never in that order. Nabbers never new I was different for I sound proof this place.
And that's how I lived, paying for pills I never used, never confinding in anyone for I feared of going back to jail, and I just knew if I ever got back on thouse meds that that when I get off the voices will drown me and I would not make it a night befor I just decided to end my abnormal life

I can't go for a walk alone outside the home when I am upset
Because I am a girl
I can't wear dresses of my choice
Because I am a girl
I can't give my opinion in my laws
Because I am a girl
I can't go for study outside my hometown
Because I am a girl
I can't travel alone in transports
Because I am a girl
I can't enjoy openly
Because I am girl

I am not independent
Because I am a girl
Sometimes I think that I am a criminal in jail
Because I am a girl
*I wish either I was not born or became the victim of female foeticide!

Underneath we are all the same
We all consist of red blood and bones
Strip away our skin and we are all the same
My little brother
He's only 11 but he's seen more violence that he needs
He's seen his older brother pushed aginst the wall and punched to ****** pulp becuse he wasn't a real man
Hes been pushed to the ground by a teacher becuse he had the guts to kiss his boyfriend
My best friend has had to sneak past her parents at night to see her love only to be beaten becuse of the color of her skin.
My brother has covered for me saying the much to large ripped jeans and band t-s were his to hide me from my father
We are all the same but if you are not a part of sociotys standards then you see more violince then ever needed to expiriance.
I want to hold hands with my girlfrind as we walk down the street without the fear
It doesn't matter who you are. we all have the same blood weather youre black, white, asian, gay, straight, trans, funny, depressed, happy, sad, in love single. IT DOESNT MATTER because we all bleed the same blood.

Intelligence has evadade you
As you allow what you think you want to slowly degrade your views,
Nothing that fades away can ever be true,
For even the old used to be new.

What do you look for in love: nice assets and a face you can trust,
Becuse anything sparkles when it's covered in rust.
Sentiment and intellect were devoured by lust,
And the only way to the top is made up of dust.

Social scenes and social queens
Require more costume than Halloween.
Who wants to be stuck at seventeen?
If you're not surrounded by faces, who will hear you scream?

You engrave your expectations on the palm of your hands,
Open them up to God, and plead for romance.
For prayers only function as a form of demands
That look no further than tomorrow nights plans.

Who you know and how you're perceived,
Cascades and tumbles down over your beliefs.
Temptation wasn't as easy for Adam and Eve;
Their apple held more than your money trees.

Now there's nothing left but a rotten core,
And casual small talk spilled out upon the floor,
Seeping in and out of the wooden pores,
Across scattered feet, too numb to implore.

Afraid of the concept of being alone,
You only accept what is already known,
Living for the weekend so your efforts are atoned,
Like David and Goliath, you have to stone or get ******.

Bloodshot eyes and vacant stares, too deliberate not to go anywhere,
Because sentiment means nothing to a generation who doesn't care
About anything that holds less weight than the air,
Unless it's about what you should wear.

So bottle up your empty dreams and aspirations,
Throw them to sea: an intellectual evacuation,
You'll see more like them under medication,
Because fitting in requires social sedation.

Prophet  Ezekiel I finally brought about his company he was the prophet who want to see a sea creature for a long time had been walking back int osee looking sideways at a ******* like me and knowing I noticed that he was not looking back at me because my *** is all eyes on the ocean I just came out of saw it shot down and saw it die in vein I was drownding and had not one person to tell by all mean I was on land as eziakal was in his dream to God Ahh Ezikal was prizedforward what every prophet is a bag of seed an instance when the drop there dream of there furry cat and and have to organize the people to get up off there ***** and plow the land so excited all the people they even invited the people who got exciled for the dream of the sea said it all because how the **** could you explain one group participating in the the bitter riverly as confusion and chaos to get over there because have would eat and half would not because they knew they all knew yes they were in for a time of thinking and who was going to take the first shift they were pros they have done it before the ifrst time they did it thhey all aggreed we will figure it out its alright and at the point they would of starved they didnt hell ya they just knew and everry thing was alright the second time ezijkal came to prophet they split it into a group of 9 for 9 lives and one group stayed and the 8 others left by all mmean we are going to rain on your parade befor they left whoever figured yep went and exsiled them selves and when they got back yep by then they all thoug ht it was an exctatic idea so heavenly rightious till they started discussing it and Victorious said wait hold up you all meant when it rains you will remeber us and come out of hiding and not care if we had died or not die? becazuse I swear I and the rest of these ***** sensed you saing we will ****** you gifted ***** if you dont get up and plow and we all laughed cause it was so funny that you would even say som and on the thing one guy said by all means and was eziakela again he got but ****** excited after he just hookked up that dream of the sea thing again and when he quited down **** no he couldnt it woulnt of mattered if he was at teen challenge at church when one of those mother ******* got down on the floor and prayed to god for and instanence eziakel ya he left outside and laughred so loud for so long the whole hour went by and he just calmed down about 3 minutes probley two before they all came aout and said nothing to him ya bit  in my fable that was the point of ezical to follow in the foot steps of the other prphets even when he ****** everythong up cause he was the only only one left by the time he was done telling them about he sea creature as yep he was not contagiously laughing his *** off but with viwers after an hour ya i can picture everyone fucly in the air with there heads listening and when he stated to talk about the sea thing he looked out in the distance and he swore it was behind him though becuse he had never spoken to an audence before and and ya when you speak to an audence and there terrified and keep wanting to look back at what you fist peered over there heads to see but you did not quite ever peer the same again for yep about an hour yep ezikial kept looking behind him to the point where he made that mother sea thang remebered and said o ya it was when I was standing sidways I always looked to my left but one person in the group yep only the the I d the baby zelda alwasy when standing sidways looked to the right and yep large yep overlooked why did she look to the right because yep the mirrors were to the left and the door that she was smokeing crack behind was to the right the window was always behind her and the pictures were alwasys in front of her before she she went to leave to her MARKIES house she would picture herself there and then pick up the mess of clean clothes yep over and over again and throw them not in but behind the hamper so she could hang them when she got home so she could hit her crack pipe on the florr befor she took off down the stairs to the front door and saw the wood yep I was hitting the crack pipe and not positive so i will dismiss which way my head was swaying when I thought back to just poping anut with my ***** as i turned from the hamper towads **** I finished that hit and would take anothe an 1 more for the mere  realitty that i could not figure for positive sure why i would alwasy come to i had it boxed up back then like you guys and i do now.

rosees satin doll favorite orange hair thick clothe ciggerett on addas shiny pants accedent the whole doll little nos you would remember it peach polka a dot dress and  ya the ros the top of my hamper wicker basket and nope never remebered to rember any of that the doll part with the polka dot dress *** i trhew the ***** bend with dithces caves and wholes the holes those are my windy road holes and the ditch just got taken care of that sentences with ditche started with a long widy road the caves was in casers i could never explain how i got my words but i sewed every one of them up and i got all my papers stolen and everything else happended too wow **** so i dont know no more again but *** k wait again yep im the **** fewfiefofum low and i dont tknow vwhat the mother **** **** is **** ya i did it was a sence i was ggoing to be talking an my greatest fear was alwasy well mark once said lurp and right before he said it  it landed on me and i was checking him  for the first time i said i lurp and he saidvicki dont say lurp becuse he started with dont he was at his breaking point and i just found out a second ago any fiefofee he got ****** up and almost killed and i have a question do people ypou people know get ****** up for passing seses cause i am dethly afraid i am going to pass one that sys i o i have to say the word out loud o o kay well let me try hold up i am quick well because i roll something in a row doesnt mean it hooked even though it hooked i just rolled by it dude and ya i hooked it It might be illegal on a jank undergo

Im a random person in this mysterious world,
I dont know my number, nor do i care..

I create stuff an write for my own enjoyment,
only to show you the things that I say
an the thoughts in my day...

Yes, I write stuff to...
make you laugh
make you cry
make you think,
make you study...

but dont take the things i say so deeply to heart
that it ruins you day an makes you fall apart...

There's a fine line, yes all of the above is true to a certaint extent
i dont literally want you to cry becuse your depressed or sad just
to make you think an know of the things in this world...

I want you to think about life, have an oppinion or value...

I want you to laught becuse somethings funny,
i want you to cry if it means allot to you,
I want you to think about everything,
study what life has to present to you!!!

Im random, yes, its true...
I will write what i feel,
what i know,
what i come up with...
even ifs its of no value or dosent make sence!

Thank you for reading!

"Strong"
I am weak but was never taught how to be strong, i feel like every thing i do, i do wrong. Standing up for myself is harder than ever, i wish it was as easy as lifting a feather. Being what you are is ok when you're alone in your car, but once you open the door you feel really far from yourself cause you cannot be you, it feels like walking on glass with out a shoe. Yet i know i'll have to teach myself, it won't be in a book i can take off the shelf. I know it is deep inside of me i can tell becuse it feels like it wants to be set free. However, with freedom comes a cost it eats away at some part of me, one i have lost. Being strong is hard exspecaliy when i haveto say no, it makes me feel like i am hated by all who are aflout. On a different note i am going to sink that boat cause there are possitives that yes i must gloat. People tell me i am stronger than i know, but this is one thing i do not like to show. Keeping my mouth shut, minding my own bussiness, and ignoring the past are some of the things i am good at. I love my family thats no lie, i love them like a big piece of home made pie, If you mess with my baby sister i'll turn into a different mister, my anger will come out, i will turn to a demon and you'll think "wow i hope i'm dreaming". After all is said and done i guess i am stronger than i thought i just needed some time to decover myself that's all, maybe i should stop worrying and stand tall.

Prophet  Ezekiel I finally brought about his company he was the prophet who want to see a sea creature for a long time had been walking back int osee looking sideways at a ******* like me and knowing I noticed that he was not looking back at me because my *** is all eyes on the ocean I just came out of saw it shot down and saw it die in vein I was drownding and had not one person to tell by all mean I was on land as eziakal was in his dream to God Ahh Ezikal was prizedforward what every prophet is a bag of seed an instance when the drop there dream of there furry cat and and have to organize the people to get up off there ***** and plow the land so excited all the people they even invited the people who got exciled for the dream of the sea said it all because how the **** could you explain one group participating in the the bitter riverly as confusion and chaos to get over there because have would eat and half would not because they knew they all knew yes they were in for a time of thinking and who was going to take the first shift they were pros they have done it before the ifrst time they did it thhey all aggreed we will figure it out its alright and at the point they would of starved they didnt hell ya they just knew and everry thing was alright the second time ezijkal came to prophet they split it into a group of 9 for 9 lives and one group stayed and the 8 others left by all mmean we are going to rain on your parade befor they left whoever figured yep went and exsiled them selves and when they got back yep by then they all thoug ht it was an exctatic idea so heavenly rightious till they started discussing it and Victorious said wait hold up you all meant when it rains you will remeber us and come out of hiding and not care if we had died or not die? becazuse I swear I and the rest of these ***** sensed you saing we will ****** you gifted ***** if you dont get up and plow and we all laughed cause it was so funny that you would even say som and on the thing one guy said by all means and was eziakela again he got but ****** excited after he just hookked up that dream of the sea thing again and when he quited down **** no he couldnt it woulnt of mattered if he was at teen challenge at church when one of those mother ******* got down on the floor and prayed to god for and instanence eziakel ya he left outside and laughred so loud for so long the whole hour went by and he just calmed down about 3 minutes probley two before they all came aout and said nothing to him ya bit  in my fable that was the point of ezical to follow in the foot steps of the other prphets even when he ****** everythong up cause he was the only only one left by the time he was done telling them about he sea creature as yep he was not contagiously laughing his *** off but with viwers after an hour ya i can picture everyone fucly in the air with there heads listening and when he stated to talk about the sea thing he looked out in the distance and he swore it was behind him though becuse he had never spoken to an audence before and and ya when you speak to an audence and there terrified and keep wanting to look back at what you fist peered over there heads to see but you did not quite ever peer the same again for yep about an hour yep ezikial kept looking behind him to the point where he made that mother sea thang remebered and said o ya it was when I was standing sidways I always looked to my left but one person in the group yep only the the I d the baby zelda alwasy when standing sidways looked to the right and yep large yep overlooked why did she look to the right because yep the mirrors were to the left and the door that she was smokeing crack behind was to the right the window was always behind her and the pictures were alwasys in front of her before she she went to leave to her MARKIES house she would picture herself there and then pick up the mess of clean clothes yep over and over again and throw them not in but behind the hamper so she could hang them when she got home so she could hit her crack pipe on the florr befor she took off down the stairs to the front door and saw the wood yep I was hitting the crack pipe and not positive so i will dismiss which way my head was swaying when I thought back to just poping anut with my ***** as i turned from the hamper towads **** I finished that hit and would take anothe an 1 more for the mere  realitty that i could not figure for positive sure why i would alwasy come to i had it boxed up back then like you guys and i do now.

My heart consumes hate
Like a leaf consumes sun light
Just soaks it up
But to no end 
The flow will be constent 
And I with out it
I would be different 
Not dead just hibernating 
Untile that sun light strikes my leaf
I may not like this hate
But it's the only way I can find a way to live
Becuse with out that hate
My heart lives on my sleeve 
With people ready to stab and slash
And so I alow my heart and hate
To enter a Symbiosis relation ship
Hate lives in my heart
And protects its beats

Prophet  Ezekiel I finally brought about his company he was the prophet who want to see a sea creature for a long time had been walking back int osee looking sideways at a ******* like me and knowing I noticed that he was not looking back at me because my *** is all eyes on the ocean I just came out of saw it shot down and saw it die in vein I was drownding and had not one person to tell by all mean I was on land as eziakal was in his dream to God Ahh Ezikal was prizedforward what every prophet is a bag of seed an instance when the drop there dream of there furry cat and and have to organize the people to get up off there ***** and plow the land so excited all the people they even invited the people who got exciled for the dream of the sea said it all because how the **** could you explain one group participating in the the bitter riverly as confusion and chaos to get over there because have would eat and half would not because they knew they all knew yes they were in for a time of thinking and who was going to take the first shift they were pros they have done it before the ifrst time they did it thhey all aggreed we will figure it out its alright and at the point they would of starved they didnt hell ya they just knew and everry thing was alright the second time ezijkal came to prophet they split it into a group of 9 for 9 lives and one group stayed and the 8 others left by all mmean we are going to rain on your parade befor they left whoever figured yep went and exsiled them selves and when they got back yep by then they all thoug ht it was an exctatic idea so heavenly rightious till they started discussing it and Victorious said wait hold up you all meant when it rains you will remeber us and come out of hiding and not care if we had died or not die? becazuse I swear I and the rest of these ***** sensed you saing we will ****** you gifted ***** if you dont get up and plow and we all laughed cause it was so funny that you would even say som and on the thing one guy said by all means and was eziakela again he got but ****** excited after he just hookked up that dream of the sea thing again and when he quited down **** no he couldnt it woulnt of mattered if he was at teen challenge at church when one of those mother ******* got down on the floor and prayed to god for and instanence eziakel ya he left outside and laughred so loud for so long the whole hour went by and he just calmed down about 3 minutes probley two before they all came aout and said nothing to him ya bit  in my fable that was the point of ezical to follow in the foot steps of the other prphets even when he ****** everythong up cause he was the only only one left by the time he was done telling them about he sea creature as yep he was not contagiously laughing his *** off but with viwers after an hour ya i can picture everyone fucly in the air with there heads listening and when he stated to talk about the sea thing he looked out in the distance and he swore it was behind him though becuse he had never spoken to an audence before and and ya when you speak to an audence and there terrified and keep wanting to look back at what you fist peered over there heads to see but you did not quite ever peer the same again for yep about an hour yep ezikial kept looking behind him to the point where he made that mother sea thang remebered and said o ya it was when I was standing sidways I always looked to my left but one person in the group yep only the the I d the baby zelda alwasy when standing sidways looked to the right and yep large yep overlooked why did she look to the right because yep the mirrors were to the left and the door that she was smokeing crack behind was to the right the window was always behind her and the pictures were alwasys in front of her before she she went to leave to her MARKIES house she would picture herself there and then pick up the mess of clean clothes yep over and over again and throw them not in but behind the hamper so she could hang them when she got home so she could hit her crack pipe on the florr befor she took off down the stairs to the front door and saw the wood yep I was hitting the crack pipe and not positive so i will dismiss which way my head was swaying when I thought back to just poping anut with my ***** as i turned from the hamper towads **** I finished that hit and would take anothe an 1 more for the mere  realitty that i could not figure for positive sure why i would alwasy come to i had it boxed up back then like you guys and i do now.

rosees satin doll favorite orange hair thick clothe ciggerett on addas shiny pants accedent the whole doll little nos you would remember it peach polka a dot dress and  ya the ros the top of my hamper wicker basket and nope never remebered to rember any of that the doll part with the polka dot dress *** i trhew the ***** bend with dithces caves and wholes the holes those are my windy road holes and the ditch just got taken care of that sentences with ditche started with a long widy road the caves was in casers i could never explain how i got my words but i sewed every one of them up and i got all my papers stolen and everything else happended too wow **** so i dont know no more again but *** k wait again yep im the **** fewfiefofum low and i dont tknow vwhat the mother **** **** is **** ya i did it was a sence i was ggoing to be talking an my greatest fear was alwasy well mark once said lurp and right before he said it  it landed on me and i was checking him  for the first time i said i lurp and he saidvicki dont say lurp becuse he started with dont he was at his breaking point and i just found out a second ago any fiefofee he got ****** up and almost killed and i have a question do people ypou people know get ****** up for passing seses cause i am dethly afraid i am going to pass one that sys i o i have to say the word out loud o o kay well let me try hold up i am quick well because i roll something in a row doesnt mean it hooked even though it hooked i just rolled by it dude and ya i hooked it It might be illegal on a jank undergo

One more lonely Christime time becuse you are not by side,
I sit here on Chritmas Eve bu let no see me cry
My heart is broke, my spirit gone, How can Christmas be so glad
when I don't have you anymore.
Just another Christmas time I wish we were together
you are spending with the angels and I spending i alone
because I have not been called home. I hope it is soon because I want to be with your celestial  heaven.

But instead
I laughed, hard like I used to
And your arms felt like the sand and the ocean
And I looked into you're blue eyes, and I appreciate the different shades
Fighting for your attention,
and you're oblivious to the war waging
Your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard
And your heart holds the beat
And I can't get that song out of my head
And I hope you'll never leave my bed
Because your body is so warm you could melt all the icebergs
And I laugh as I blame you for global warming
Becuse beauty like yours
Beauty that beams from within and pierces the skin of all those you meet
Beauty that expands like a black hole when you smile and I melt
Beauty like you consumes me.

Fire, you are such a ******* liar, which once respected passtion and love, you are not the symple of death and hate. I know when fire is at the gate to my soul. Becuse everything stops being so cold. But with fire comes false hope, i let you in and you take everything and go. Fire burns everything not even the stuff i thought was fire proof is save. It destorys everything down to the last inch of space. Fire can mean love which is always a false symble. It is always in my heart for the wrong reasons and when it leaves everything is burnt and turned into ashes. Fire can be a symble for Passtion. A passtion that i lost long ago, weather it be sports, art, or even just enjoying myself. That fire comes in a burns strong like a hurrican, But when it is done leaves nothing hopeless dreams. Fire is nothing but power, power people take for granted. Use it to there advantage when they see other people are weak. Fire is nothing but a liar which i why i always carry a bucket of water.

That is what you call me.
I'm your "dear one".
At first that made me cry
Knowing that I forced you to care
Manipulated you into thinking I am anything worth anything or anyone caring about.

Then I got to know you.
Realize how you saw me.
I bonded with you more and cared for you in return.

Now I almost smile at the mention of me being your "dear one".
Because I am now honored that someone so amazing as you can care for me
And at times, I even think that I'm worth caring about.


So this is for my dear one, becuse I care about you too.
And you are so much more than what you label and limit yourself as.
And even if the breath has left my soulless body, I will always be here for you.

"Go to sleep"
I say to my tired soul,
but it woldn't,
becuse it is lost,
and it has to find
it's way back home
before the clock
turn 12 midnight,
or else,
she will remain stuck
to broken promises
and solitude.

I haven't written in a while
Because I've been kidding myself that I'm okay.
But the truth is
I only feel when I am about to decay.

I write becuse it makes sense
When my thoughts do not.
But when I cover it up
I do too well.
I actually believe it.
But then I'm worse when I break, because I actually believed I had fixed a part of myself.

My biggest problem though, is fixing a part of me with you. Because then I break so much more when something goes wrong.

And I break
Crumble
Shatter.

And it's worse because its not just You. It's Him. And Them.
And nothing is going right right now
So I write.
Because I can't cry.
Because I refuse to be that weak.
I refuse to be who I was. Yet I won't let her go.

But right now
I'm broken
And bruised
And scarred
In pieces
Alone.

Diagnosed and frightened ,
Yea im a recovering addict I sdmit it
One year plus if you care to count days I dont
What matters is mindfully being here in this moment
I grasp it it
I have mental health issues as well I accept it
But my latest diagnosis Trigeminal Neurolgia just too much
Not going to give up or surrender just another pile of shot added,to me
I will survive I will continue being sober
I am whing about this I get it
This isn't even a,poem so what
It's me and it's real and I just need,to get it out
What is truly real is this moment
Please ne mindful of this moment becUse it is all we truly ever have and all moments add up to a day a week a year a,life
Relish it live it be,present with it
Whether it be pain happiness or love or hate
My pain from my new diagnoses is hurtful new Meds help but sometimes through all of this I just want to know the base root cause of it all
That's it and enjoy the moment accept the pain the happiness the fear don't resist accept and move on otherwise it may consume you

im only happy with her
i cant figure out why
when im all alone
i just want to die
the happiness is fading
my smile is gone
everything seems useless
im up until dawn
her magic is fading
tears flow down my cheek
i cant find my happiness
my future seems bleak
blades to cope
pills to escape
thoughts to destroy me
eyes to see a mistake
they think i can be helped
but im way to far gone
ive rationalized death
i have no reason to go on
suicide scares me
not becuse of death
because if i live
ill be forced to take a breath
i dont see a reason to live
i just dont understand
why do they want me here
why do they keep me in this land

capris in the summer
not because i like to
but becuse i have to
it seems silly because all people wear shorts
but not me
because i was a cutter
and the scars are hidious
so i go on like everyone else
just wearing capris in the summer

Pian

Pian

The scars on my  wrists are reminders.

The fresh cuts sting and burn, The red of my blood brings me release of pain that I feel inside. The pain of the sharp and the sight of the blood, it reminds me that I’m alive. But now it just there, there is no pain just numb.

Pain

I’m not scared of death.

No on the contrary I invite it with open arms.

No I’m scared of living. The thought of life is what chills me to the bone. That feeling that I don’t live up to society's standards. That I’ll be treated diffrently if I don’t fit the description of a cis girl.

Pain

It comes in the form of a dress, of long hair, of makeup, of *******.

It does not come in the form of a broken limb or a gun wound.

It is not a physical pain. Though it can be more inhabilitating than a broken leg. You no longer have the strength or will to get out of bed. Or even live anymore.

Pain

It comes from those who do not understand

It comes from words spoken about you but not to you. It comes from betrail of the highest form. That of a friend, of a lover, of family. They talk. Thats what gives you the power to take those pills. To bury the knife so deep in your wrist they can’t take it out. To put that rope necklace on and push away the only thing holding you up.

Pain

It is the friends you push away that can’t help you

It’s the feeling of pure depression. It’s not a sickness that you can see. You don’t cough, you don’t have a sniffly nose, you aren’t pale, you don’t have a fever of 127. You are so tierd becuause if you sleep you dream but can’t call it dreaming. It’s only nighmares.

Pain

It’s not what you think it is.

It’s like a friend who never leaves. Deppression lives with you and you can’t escape it. It slowly invades your sleep and every waking second.

Pain

For me my deppression is my body

My skinny waist, big hips, and *******. From my round face to my girly voice. My shortness and my slender hands and tiny feet. My deppression is my Dysphoria. She huants me when I look in the mirror. I see it in the faces of my friends. So I push them away.

Pain

It’s feeling so loney that it feels as tough you can’t go on any more

It’s pushing away your friends when you need them the most becuse you don’t wan to hurt them if you do leave. And you consider making life better for everyone including yourself by ending it all. Those pills, that blade, the knife, or the necklace of rope makes you feel free.

Pain



No more PAIN

No more PAIN

NO MORE PAIN



PAIN

I wish I could tell you that I'm gonna save you
I wish I could tell you that everything is gonna be alright
and that you don't have to gift yourself to anyone's arms

but I can't
and maybe you have to

I guess that you have to walk those streets
those dark street corners
and wrap yourself into those motels' bedsheets
and get disgusted by their showers' floors

I guess that that love that you don't have
you will look for in many other hearts
some of them rotten
some of them sick
some of them ****** up like mine

I only wish
that your heart doesn't get rotten and doesn't get sick

because inbetweeen those streets
and the bedsheets of that motel
maybe I saw in your eyes
my reflection
the image of that defenseless someone
wanting to be free
and to be happy

and it makes me sad having to flee
but I can't be close to you

not because I think something bad about you;
I couldn't do so because doing it would be
thinking bad of myself
and I have learned to live after so much
and to forgive myself

but becuse I have to protect myself
that defenseless someone has learned with scars
and now is afraid to die
and wants to be happy
and wants to be free

forgive me please

thank you for the little love you gave me
and good luck when you keep looking
hopefully not in way too many other hearts

Food settles in my stoach like a weight has been dropped on my head
The fat settles around my bones weighing me down
10 cal
20 cal
240cal
270 cal total
only have room for 30 more
Dinner
Too much food
I can't do it
Huddled on the cold bathroom floor
I don't know what else to do
I can feel my fat settle around me when I sit
When I run
When I look in the mirror
My shirt diesn't fit correctly
I can't pull my pants over my hips
Though I know it's becuse my mum dired them
My brain won't belive its true
Ive been told I'm skin and bones
But all i feel is fat
I pass out every class but no one sees that
I'm so tiered.

I'm here to tell a story about a little boy.
Who thought his mom was a monster
He felt like he didn't belong
Felt like he did something wrong
He lived his whole life like that

Now it's been several years
You'd think things would change
But NOW we turned him into a monster.
Several years of isolation and now here we are, blaming him for the things he has done.
The things We pushed him to do.
Like he could've had a good life.

How could we have not known that a little bit of kindness could have pulled him away.
A little bit of kindness could have made him a different man.
A better man.
A man he would've wanted to be.

Just a little bit of kindness towards him and he could've had good life.
A life he would've have been proud of.


But know I realized we were the monsters, before We turned him into a one.

Becuse before they turned into a monster they lived a life like mine and yours.

Just a little bit of kindness could have made him a better man.