"Officer, how would
I know the drunk driving laws
apply to snowmobiles?"

#drunk   #haiku   #new   #snow   #driving   #satire   #beryldov   #officer   #wikipedia   #hampshire  
Kelley A Vinal
Kelley A Vinal
Jun 15, 2015

Minnesota winter
This lake, that lake
The lake around the corner
Frozen, wholly
Catching fish through
Holes in the ice
Frostbite
Layers of snow packed deeper
And deeper
And deeper
Like an unsightly
Ice cream cake
Snowmobiles leaving traces
Of minus 40 races
Breath freezing to faces
And icicle trim laces
Something is serene
Though the air
Kind of smells like
Freezer burn
And hypothermia

For a snowmobile boy
Amanda Mayne
Amanda Mayne
Feb 28, 2012

The day had been set,
And we were all ready--
The crunchy snow was waiting too—
The frigid sky watched us overhead.

Anticipation was building
like steam in the pit of my stomach
We leapt out of the truck
And sunk right into the snow.

After a few kids slid down
The rollercoastering hill,
I went down screaming,
Blurred colors rushed into my eyes.

My tube detached from my butt,
Snow went everywhere:
In my face, down my back
My cheeks were frozen in place.

I arrived at the bottom,
Quicker than I expected,
And waited in the powder
For a snowmobile boy

The contraption roared and sped
I dropped the tube,
And held on for my life,
Then dropped myself too.

We tried again,
With the tube around my middle,
The tube a giant donut
I was the creamy center.

I made up to the top,
Triumphantly soaked from my outside in,
Cheers resounded and bounced
In the valley and off the frozen lake.

Can’t go snow-racin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my snowmobile
Medgar Fallon Roe
Medgar Fallon Roe
Oct 17, 2015

(song lyrics)
Verse 1:
Now I can’t go fishin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my rod and reel
Can’t go snow-racin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my snowmobile
And I got flaws - that’s for sure - and sometimes run amuck
But the final straw that I can’t take: Ya’ sold my pickup truck

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 2:
I didn’t care when ya’ bought that stuff on TV’s QVC
Or ‘cause ya’ always thought of me as your private Money Tree
Or catalog-orderin’ ever’thing from within ol’ Sears Roebuck
But I’ll be danged if I’ll sit still since ya’ sold my pickup truck!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 3:
So I went and saw a gypsy gal, and a curse on you imposed
To put sand in your chewin' gum and runners in your panty hose
And all your clothes and accessories to never, ever match
And chiggers in your bed sheets - so you’ll always have to scratch!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 4:
I seen ya’ last Saturday night at Bubba’s Bar and Grill
The image of you in stripes and checks remains within me still
And them red chigger welts upon your nose and face
Tells me that the gypsy curse is workin’ ever’ place!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Alabama
"The Piggly Wiggly
now stocks Naked Pig Pale Ale!
Y'all see my car keys?"

Alaska
"Look! An endangered
Eskimo curlew over there!
Nice shot. I go next."

Arizona
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting illegal Mexicans.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

Arkansas
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting niggers in the ass.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

California
"After my boob job
I'm taking acting lessons.
Fuck's fifty, no anal."

Colorado
"Doc, I'm not sure if
my nosebleed is from skiing
or from the cocaine."

Connecticut
"Didn't I warn you
without five acre zoning,
niggers will move in!"

Delaware
"You're not from these parts?"
'As a matter of fact, no.'
"Then get the fuck out!"

Florida
"Don't know who my wife's
fucking but our bedroom smells
of pool chemicals."

Georgia
"Hunter, you know why
I've never tried being gay?"
'Because you'd like it?'

Hawaii
"Everybody thinks
we're just lazy fat people."
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles.'

Idaho
"There ain't no niggers
in Idaho, we hate them
theoretically."

Illinois
"Sure we got the most
shootings in America. But
not all are fatal!"

Indiana
"You want biodiesel
but still you complain that
we're just dumb hayseeds."

Iowa
"We're not really dull,
we are just misunderstood.
Weed helps dull the pain."

Kansas
"Ya' know Superman's
from here and Jor-El could've
sent him to New York."

Kentucky
"Cigarettes are cheap,
brew's less than Dr Pepper,
but whores are pricey."

Louisiana
"If the gumbo's good
who in hell gives a damn fuck
if I'm missin' teeth."

Maine
"Winter don't matter
when there's steaming lobster and
girls are steaming hot.

Maryland
"I'm sick of leftist
liberals who dance on cars
waving rainbow flags."

Massachusetts
"Gotcha. Irish bar
near the University."
Wait. Which bar? What Uni?"

Michigan
"Ma'am are you saying
the cereal killer looks
like a Frosted Flake?"

Minnesota
"Flyer's jersey's orange,
so you wear it to the game
and then go hunting."

Mississippi
"Yo mama's so poor,
she can't afford the bus fare
to the free clinic."

Missouri
"I practice safe sex.
I put signs on animals
that kick, bite or scratch."

Montana
"Sorry, officer,
didn't know I'm speeding
cuz of the meth."

Nebraska
"Do you think I should
wear the red on white plaid shirt
or the white on red?"

Nevada
'Happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas', long as you
pay hos to shut up."

New Hampshire
"Officer, how would
I know the drunk driving laws
apply to snowmobiles?"

New Jersey
"Ehh, cuz I drive thru
a bridge or tunnel to NY
don't make me stupid."

New Mexico
My ancestors were
conquistadores and blue bloods.
So, my car bounces."
.
New York
"My monthly rent check
is more than you will make in
your fucking lifetime."

North Carolina
"Asheville is just so cool.
We got a craft gallery
AND 3 other stores!"

North Dakota
"My bib overalls
look spiffy at a wedding
or a funeral."

Ohio
"Honey, you're sexy
wearing flannel and tube socks.
Where's my condom at?"

Oklahoma
"Don't know why they ain't
got twister fries at Sonic."
'McDonald's got'em.'

Oregon
"Asked my herbalist,
what's the best fair trade coffee?"
'It's the tie-dyed one.'

Pennsylvania
"Our five food groups are:
fruits, legumes, whole grains, veggies
and iced Tastykakes."

Rhode Island
"I had a wikit time
on my birtday despite my
retad oldah brodah."

South Carolina
"Don't know why Wal-Mart
won't take Confederate dollars.
It's un-American!"

South Dakota
"That Harley trike's cool.
Whadya' get, six or seven
miles per gallon?"

Tennessee
"If y'alls runs over
a nigger in ya' toboggan
just keep on sledding."

Texas
"I'm hungry! Let's get
another 72 ounce steak free
with all the trimmings."

Utah
"Can't decide between
the minivan or pickup. What
would Joseph Smith do?"

Vermont
"My snowblower gives me
a woodie. Please don't ask me
'bout my woodchipper."

Virginia
"Bowl of chili for me.
She'll have the Cheesy Western.
Both with, add a slab."

Washington
"I am so sick of
emos, geeks and rain, rain, rain.
I just want sunshine!"

West Virginia
"Some hippie burned my
'Support Coal' bumper sticker
using solar power."

Wisconsin
"My nose is sunburned,
my fingers are frost-bitten.
Can't feel my penis."

Wyoming
"Take the gravel road
to the cottonwood tree then
turn at the wheat field."

Poet's A N N O T A T I ON S:

**Alabama**
Naked Pig Pale Ale is an Alabama beer brewed  by Back Forty Beer Co.

**Alaska**
The Eskimo Curlew (Numenius borealis) is an endangered Alaskan shorebird

**Arizona**
'Shooting illegal Mexicans' - there have been several such incidents. Arizona recently passed the most controversial anti-illegal immigration laws in the country known as SB 1070.

**Arkansas**
'Shooting niggers' - 100 negro sharecroppers were shot and lynched in the Elaine Race Riot on September 30, 1919

**California**
'Fuck's fifty, no anal' - every hooker in Hollywood has had acting lessons - or shall we say, every actress in Hollywood used to be a hooker (and many still moonlight).

**Connecticut**
'five acre zoning' - a shrewd real estate tactic causes home prices to be prohibitive keeping the middle class blacks out

**Delaware**
'Then get the fuck out!' - the Delawareans are for the most part unfriendly paranoid assholes

**Florida**
'pool chemicals' -  no doubt, it's José the Pool Boy

**Georgia**
'tried being gay' - the over macho sport of hunting may be covering up certain closeted 'longings'

**Hawaii**
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles' - a pejorative term for Caucasians, White person, American, Englishman -- it's what every native Hawaiian really thinks of the white mainlanders. Their economy is based 99% on tourism so if we boycott Hawaii we can enjoy watching those lazy, stupid Ha'oles (pronounced how-lees) howlers become poorer than Mississippians.

**Idaho**
'no niggers in Idaho' - there are 6103 blacks in Idaho - 0.3% of the population; the remaining 1,595,728 are  white supremacists

**Illinois**
'most shootings in America' - facts are facts

**Indiana**
'biodiesel' - come from corn harvested by 'hayseeds'

**Iowa**
'Weed helps dull the pain' - its so boring there most teens seek drugs for entertainment

**Kansas**
'Superman's from here' - if Kal-El grew up in Manhattan, he would have teamed up with Lex Luther to bring down greedy motherfuckers on Wall Street

**Kentucky**
'Cigarettes are cheap' -- of course, thanks to Philip Morris; 'whores are pricey' thanks to pussy

**Louisiana**
'I'm missin' teeth' - the poorest professionals in Louisiana are dentists because nobody uses them

**Maine**
'girls are steaming hot' - when girls get out of their winter parkas they're 'mainly' wild!

**Michigan**
'cereal killer looks like a Frosted Flake' - the Kellogg's headquarters are in Battle Creek, Michigan

**New Mexico**
'my car bounces' - They're as proud of their questionable heritage (they weren't the conquistadors, they were the conquered) as of their lowrider 1964 Chevy Impallas with hydraulic suspensions
.
**New York**
'My monthly rent check' - typical BigApple arrogance and bravado that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing (I should know, I was born there. Ehh, you got a problem with that.)

**North Carolina**
'a craft gallery AND 3 other stores' -  Asheville has the first gentified seedlings but a long way to go before it can be certifiably 'hipster'.

**North Dakota**
'bib overalls' - the fucking place is like an OshKosh B'gosh bib showrroom for adults

**Ohio**
'Where's my condom at' - Ohioans like ending their sentences with a preposition. They're also into kinky sex. See my piece: Sexual Deviation in Ohio: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/sexual-deviation-in-ohio-poetry-in-motion/

**Oklahoma**
'twister fries' - I made that up - but I'm sure some entrepreneur in Oklahoma came up with the same idea by renaming curly fries.

**Pennsylvania**
"'Tastykakes' - you can visit the Tastykake Bakery at 3 Crescent Drive, Philadelphia, PA 19112

**Rhode Island**
'wikit time' - sorry, I left out the 'clam chowdah'. Tasty, but too many sylables for my Haiku.

**South Dakota**
'Harley trike' - I saw my fair share of those silly toys at Sturgis. Crash one and your head becomes the air bag.

**Texas**
'72 ounce steak free' - The Big Texan Steak Ranch is a steakhouse restaurant in Amarillo, Texas famous for its best known for its 72 ounce (4.5 pounds or 2.04 kg) steak, nicknamed "The Texas King." The steak is free to anyone who, in one hour or less, can eat the entire meal, consisting of the steak itself, plus bread roll with butter, baked potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad; otherwise, the meal costs $72.00. Those who have successfully consumed the Texas King meal have their names recorded and posted at the restaurant. As of March 15, 2011, over 8,800 people out of about 50,000 have accomplished this feat.

**Virginia**
'Bowl of chili... Cheesy Western' - The Texas Tavern in Raonoke, Virginia claimes it's served '20 million bowl of chili and counting'. 'With' means add onions. 'Add a slab' means add a slice of cheese to your bowl of chili.

**Washington**
'rain, rain, rain' - Seattle is rainy/cloudy an average of 226 days per year

**Wyoming**
'Take the gravel road to the cottonwood tree then turn at the wheat field' - universal Wyoming directions - taken verbatim from my GPS

For a related piece see: Smartass Haikus for All 50 State Mottos
link: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/smartass-haikus-for-all-50-state-mottos/

See all my Haiku collections:
Classic Haikus [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-c/
Classic Haikus [E]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-e/

and my TripAdvisor collections:
Trip Advisor: Travel America with Haiku [Texas]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-america-with-haiku-texas/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-a/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-b/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-c/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [D]  
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-d/

and my Jewish Haiku collection:
Haikus for Jews [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-a/

Haikus for Jews [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-b/

Haikus for Jews [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-c/

Alabama
"The Piggly Wiggly
now stocks Naked Pig Pale Ale!
Y'all see my car keys?"

Alaska
"Look! An endangered
Eskimo curlew over there!
Nice shot. I go next."

Arizona
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting illegal Mexicans.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

Arkansas
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting niggers in the ass.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

California
"After my boob job
I'm taking acting lessons.
Fuck's fifty, no anal."

Colorado
"Doc, I'm not sure if
my nosebleed is from skiing
or from the cocaine."

Connecticut
"Didn't I warn you
without five acre zoning,
niggers will move in!"

Delaware
"You're not from these parts?"
'As a matter of fact, no.'
"Then get the fuck out!"

Florida
"Don't know who my wife's
fucking but our bedroom smells
of pool chemicals."

Georgia
"Hunter, you know why
I've never tried being gay?"
'Because you'd like it?'

Hawaii
"Everybody thinks
we're just lazy fat people."
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles.'

Idaho
"There ain't no niggers
in Idaho, we hate them
theoretically."

Illinois
"Sure we got the most
shootings in America. But
not all are fatal!"

Indiana
"You want biodiesel
but still you complain that
we're just dumb hayseeds."

Iowa
"We're not really dull,
we are just misunderstood.
Weed helps dull the pain."

Kansas
"Ya' know Superman's
from here and Jor-El could've
sent him to New York."

Kentucky
"Cigarettes are cheap,
brew's less than Dr Pepper,
but whores are pricey."

Louisiana
"If the gumbo's good
who in hell gives a damn fuck
if I'm missin' teeth."

Maine
"Winter don't matter
when there's steaming lobster and
girls are steaming hot.

Maryland
"I'm sick of leftist
liberals who dance on cars
waving rainbow flags."

Massachusetts
"Gotcha. Irish bar
near the University."
Wait. Which bar? What Uni?"

Michigan
"Ma'am are you saying
the cereal killer looks
like a Frosted Flake?"

Minnesota
"Flyer's jersey's orange,
so you wear it to the game
and then go hunting."

Mississippi
"Yo mama's so poor,
she can't afford the bus fare
to the free clinic."

Missouri
"I practice safe sex.
I put signs on animals
that kick, bite or scratch."

Montana
"Sorry, officer,
didn't know I'm speeding
cuz of the meth."

Nebraska
"Do you think I should
wear the red on white plaid shirt
or the white on red?"

Nevada
'Happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas', long as you
pay hos to shut up."

New Hampshire
"Officer, how would
I know the drunk driving laws
apply to snowmobiles?"

New Jersey
"Ehh, cuz I drive thru
a bridge or tunnel to NY
don't make me stupid."

New Mexico
My ancestors were
conquistadores and blue bloods.
So, my car bounces."
.
New York
"My monthly rent check
is more than you will make in
your fucking lifetime."

North Carolina
"Asheville is just so cool.
We got a craft gallery
AND 3 other stores!"

North Dakota
"My bib overalls
look spiffy at a wedding
or a funeral."

Ohio
"Honey, you're sexy
wearing flannel and tube socks.
Where's my condom at?"

Oklahoma
"Don't know why they ain't
got twister fries at Sonic."
'McDonald's got'em.'

Oregon
"Asked my herbalist,
what's the best fair trade coffee?"
'It's the tie-dyed one.'

Pennsylvania
"Our five food groups are:
fruits, legumes, whole grains, veggies
and iced Tastykakes."

Rhode Island
"I had a wikit time
on my birtday despite my
retad oldah brodah."

South Carolina
"Don't know why Wal-Mart
won't take Confederate dollars.
It's un-American!"

South Dakota
"That Harley trike's cool.
Whadya' get, six or seven
miles per gallon?"

Tennessee
"If y'alls runs over
a nigger in ya' toboggan
just keep on sledding."

Texas
"I'm hungry! Let's get
another 72 ounce steak free
with all the trimmings."

Utah
"Can't decide between
the minivan or pickup. What
would Joseph Smith do?"

Vermont
"My snowblower gives me
a woodie. Please don't ask me
'bout my woodchipper."

Virginia
"Bowl of chili for me.
She'll have the Cheesy Western.
Both with, add a slab."

Washington
"I am so sick of
emos, geeks and rain, rain, rain.
I just want sunshine!"

West Virginia
"Some hippie burned my
'Support Coal' bumper sticker
using solar power."

Wisconsin
"My nose is sunburned,
my fingers are frost-bitten.
Can't feel my penis."

Wyoming
"Take the gravel road
to the cottonwood tree then
turn at the wheat field."

Poet's A N N O T A T I ON S:

**Alabama**
Naked Pig Pale Ale is an Alabama beer brewed  by Back Forty Beer Co.

**Alaska**
The Eskimo Curlew (Numenius borealis) is an endangered Alaskan shorebird

**Arizona**
'Shooting illegal Mexicans' - there have been several such incidents. Arizona recently passed the most controversial anti-illegal immigration laws in the country known as SB 1070.

**Arkansas**
'Shooting niggers' - 100 negro sharecroppers were shot and lynched in the Elaine Race Riot on September 30, 1919

**California**
'Fuck's fifty, no anal' - every hooker in Hollywood has had acting lessons - or shall we say, every actress in Hollywood used to be a hooker (and many still moonlight).

**Connecticut**
'five acre zoning' - a shrewd real estate tactic causes home prices to be prohibitive keeping the middle class blacks out

**Delaware**
'Then get the fuck out!' - the Delawareans are for the most part unfriendly paranoid assholes

**Florida**
'pool chemicals' -  no doubt, it's José the Pool Boy

**Georgia**
'tried being gay' - the over macho sport of hunting may be covering up certain closeted 'longings'

**Hawaii**
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles' - a pejorative term for Caucasians, White person, American, Englishman -- it's what every native Hawaiian really thinks of the white mainlanders. Their economy is based 99% on tourism so if we boycott Hawaii we can enjoy watching those lazy, stupid Ha'oles (pronounced how-lees) howlers become poorer than Mississippians.

**Idaho**
'no niggers in Idaho' - there are 6103 blacks in Idaho - 0.3% of the population; the remaining 1,595,728 are  white supremacists

**Illinois**
'most shootings in America' - facts are facts

**Indiana**
'biodiesel' - come from corn harvested by 'hayseeds'

**Iowa**
'Weed helps dull the pain' - its so boring there most teens seek drugs for entertainment

**Kansas**
'Superman's from here' - if Kal-El grew up in Manhattan, he would have teamed up with Lex Luther to bring down greedy motherfuckers on Wall Street

**Kentucky**
'Cigarettes are cheap' -- of course, thanks to Philip Morris; 'whores are pricey' thanks to pussy

**Louisiana**
'I'm missin' teeth' - the poorest professionals in Louisiana are dentists because nobody uses them

**Maine**
'girls are steaming hot' - when girls get out of their winter parkas they're 'mainly' wild!

**Michigan**
'cereal killer looks like a Frosted Flake' - the Kellogg's headquarters are in Battle Creek, Michigan

**New Mexico**
'my car bounces' - They're as proud of their questionable heritage (they weren't the conquistadors, they were the conquered) as of their lowrider 1964 Chevy Impallas with hydraulic suspensions
.
**New York**
'My monthly rent check' - typical BigApple arrogance and bravado that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing (I should know, I was born there. Ehh, you got a problem with that.)

**North Carolina**
'a craft gallery AND 3 other stores' -  Asheville has the first gentified seedlings but a long way to go before it can be certifiably 'hipster'.

**North Dakota**
'bib overalls' - the fucking place is like an OshKosh B'gosh bib showrroom for adults

**Ohio**
'Where's my condom at' - Ohioans like ending their sentences with a preposition. They're also into kinky sex. See my piece: Sexual Deviation in Ohio: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/sexual-deviation-in-ohio-poetry-in-motion/

**Oklahoma**
'twister fries' - I made that up - but I'm sure some entrepreneur in Oklahoma came up with the same idea by renaming curly fries.

**Pennsylvania**
"'Tastykakes' - you can visit the Tastykake Bakery at 3 Crescent Drive, Philadelphia, PA 19112

**Rhode Island**
'wikit time' - sorry, I left out the 'clam chowdah'. Tasty, but too many sylables for my Haiku.

**South Dakota**
'Harley trike' - I saw my fair share of those silly toys at Sturgis. Crash one and your head becomes the air bag.

**Texas**
'72 ounce steak free' - The Big Texan Steak Ranch is a steakhouse restaurant in Amarillo, Texas famous for its best known for its 72 ounce (4.5 pounds or 2.04 kg) steak, nicknamed "The Texas King." The steak is free to anyone who, in one hour or less, can eat the entire meal, consisting of the steak itself, plus bread roll with butter, baked potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad; otherwise, the meal costs $72.00. Those who have successfully consumed the Texas King meal have their names recorded and posted at the restaurant. As of March 15, 2011, over 8,800 people out of about 50,000 have accomplished this feat.

**Virginia**
'Bowl of chili... Cheesy Western' - The Texas Tavern in Raonoke, Virginia claimes it's served '20 million bowl of chili and counting'. 'With' means add onions. 'Add a slab' means add a slice of cheese to your bowl of chili.

**Washington**
'rain, rain, rain' - Seattle is rainy/cloudy an average of 226 days per year

**Wyoming**
'Take the gravel road to the cottonwood tree then turn at the wheat field' - universal Wyoming directions - taken verbatim from my GPS

For a related piece see: Smartass Haikus for All 50 State Mottos
link: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/smartass-haikus-for-all-50-state-mottos/

See all my Haiku collections:
Classic Haikus [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-c/
Classic Haikus [E]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-e/

and my TripAdvisor collections:
Trip Advisor: Travel America with Haiku [Texas]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-america-with-haiku-texas/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-a/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-b/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-c/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [D]  
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-d/

and my Jewish Haiku collection:
Haikus for Jews [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-a/

Haikus for Jews [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-b/

Haikus for Jews [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-c/

Alabama
"The Piggly Wiggly
now stocks Naked Pig Pale Ale!
Y'all see my car keys?"

Alaska
"Look! An endangered
Eskimo curlew over there!
Nice shot. I go next."

Arizona
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting illegal Mexicans.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

Arkansas
"Hey! Watcha doing?"
'Shooting niggers in the ass.'
"Nice shot. I go next."

California
"After my boob job
I'm taking acting lessons.
Fuck's fifty, no anal."

Colorado
"Doc, I'm not sure if
my nosebleed is from skiing
or from the cocaine."

Connecticut
"Didn't I warn you
without five acre zoning,
niggers will move in!"

Delaware
"You're not from these parts?"
'As a matter of fact, no.'
"Then get the fuck out!"

Florida
"Don't know who my wife's
fucking but our bedroom smells
of pool chemicals."

Georgia
"Hunter, you know why
I've never tried being gay?"
'Because you'd like it?'

Hawaii
"Everybody thinks
we're just lazy fat people."
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles.'

Idaho
"There ain't no niggers
in Idaho, we hate them
theoretically."

Illinois
"Sure we got the most
shootings in America. But
not all are fatal!"

Indiana
"You want biodiesel
but still you complain that
we're just dumb hayseeds."

Iowa
"We're not really dull,
we are just misunderstood.
Weed helps dull the pain."

Kansas
"Ya' know Superman's
from here and Jor-El could've
sent him to New York."

Kentucky
"Cigarettes are cheap,
brew's less than Dr Pepper,
but whores are pricey."

Louisiana
"If the gumbo's good
who in hell gives a damn fuck
if I'm missin' teeth."

Maine
"Winter don't matter
when there's steaming lobster and
girls are steaming hot.

Maryland
"I'm sick of leftist
liberals who dance on cars
waving rainbow flags."

Massachusetts
"Gotcha. Irish bar
near the University."
Wait. Which bar? What Uni?"

Michigan
"Ma'am are you saying
the cereal killer looks
like a Frosted Flake?"

Minnesota
"Flyer's jersey's orange,
so you wear it to the game
and then go hunting."

Mississippi
"Yo mama's so poor,
she can't afford the bus fare
to the free clinic."

Missouri
"I practice safe sex.
I put signs on animals
that kick, bite or scratch."

Montana
"Sorry, officer,
didn't know I'm speeding
cuz of the meth."

Nebraska
"Do you think I should
wear the red on white plaid shirt
or the white on red?"

Nevada
'Happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas', long as you
pay hos to shut up."

New Hampshire
"Officer, how would
I know the drunk driving laws
apply to snowmobiles?"

New Jersey
"Ehh, cuz I drive thru
a bridge or tunnel to NY
don't make me stupid."

New Mexico
My ancestors were
conquistadores and blue bloods.
So, my car bounces."
.
New York
"My monthly rent check
is more than you will make in
your fucking lifetime."

North Carolina
"Asheville is just so cool.
We got a craft gallery
AND 3 other stores!"

North Dakota
"My bib overalls
look spiffy at a wedding
or a funeral."

Ohio
"Honey, you're sexy
wearing flannel and tube socks.
Where's my condom at?"

Oklahoma
"Don't know why they ain't
got twister fries at Sonic."
'McDonald's got'em.'

Oregon
"Asked my herbalist,
what's the best fair trade coffee?"
'It's the tie-dyed one.'

Pennsylvania
"Our five food groups are:
fruits, legumes, whole grains, veggies
and iced Tastykakes."

Rhode Island
"I had a wikit time
on my birtday despite my
retad oldah brodah."

South Carolina
"Don't know why Wal-Mart
won't take Confederate dollars.
It's un-American!"

South Dakota
"That Harley trike's cool.
Whadya' get, six or seven
miles per gallon?"

Tennessee
"If y'alls runs over
a nigger in ya' toboggan
just keep on sledding."

Texas
"I'm hungry! Let's get
another 72 ounce steak free
with all the trimmings."

Utah
"Can't decide between
the minivan or pickup. What
would Joseph Smith do?"

Vermont
"My snowblower gives me
a woodie. Please don't ask me
'bout my woodchipper."

Virginia
"Bowl of chili for me.
She'll have the Cheesy Western.
Both with, add a slab."

Washington
"I am so sick of
emos, geeks and rain, rain, rain.
I just want sunshine!"

West Virginia
"Some hippie burned my
'Support Coal' bumper sticker
using solar power."

Wisconsin
"My nose is sunburned,
my fingers are frost-bitten.
Can't feel my penis."

Wyoming
"Take the gravel road
to the cottonwood tree then
turn at the wheat field."

Poet's A N N O T A T I ON S:

**Alabama**
Naked Pig Pale Ale is an Alabama beer bRewed  by Back Forty Beer Co.

**Alaska**
The Eskimo Curlew (Numenius borealis) is an endangered Alaskan shorebird

**Arizona**
'Shooting illegal Mexicans' - there have been several such incidents. Arizona recently passed the most controversial anti-illegal immigration laws in the country known as SB 1070.

**Arkansas**
'Shooting niggers' - 100 negro sharecroppers were shot and lynched in the Elaine Race Riot on September 30, 1919

**California**
'Fuck's fifty, no anal' - every hooker in Hollywood has had acting lessons - or shall we say, every actress in Hollywood used to be a hooker (and many still moonlight).

**Connecticut**
'five acre zoning' - a shrewd real estate tactic causes home prices to be prohibitive keeping the middle class blacks out

**Delaware**
'Then get the fuck out!' - the Delawareans are for the most part unfriendly paranoid assholes

**Florida**
'pool chemicals' -  no doubt, it's José the Pool Boy

**Georgia**
'tried being gay' - the over macho sport of hunting may be covering up certain closeted 'longings'

**Hawaii**
'Yo' fuck dem Ha'oles' - a pejorative term for Caucasians, White person, American, Englishman -- it's what every native Hawaiian really thinks of the white mainlanders. Their economy is based 99% on tourism so if we boycott Hawaii we can enjoy watching those lazy, stupid Ha'oles (pronounced how-lees) howlers become poorer than Mississippians.

**Idaho**
'no niggers in Idaho' - there are 6103 blacks in Idaho - 0.3% of the population; the remaining 1,595,728 are  white supremacists

**Illinois**
'most shootings in America' - facts are facts

**Indiana**
'biodiesel' - come from corn harvested by 'hayseeds'

**Iowa**
'Weed helps dull the pain' - its so boring there most teens seek drugs for entertainment

**Kansas**
'Superman's from here' - if Kal-El grew up in Manhattan, he would have teamed up with Lex Luther to bring down greedy motherfuckers on Wall Street

**Kentucky**
'Cigarettes are cheap' -- of course, thanks to Philip Morris; 'whores are pricey' thanks to pussy

**Louisiana**
'I'm missin' teeth' - the poorest professionals in Louisiana are dentists because nobody uses them

**Maine**
'girls are steaming hot' - when girls get out of their winter parkas they're 'mainly' wild!

**Michigan**
'cereal killer looks like a Frosted Flake' - the Kellogg's headquarters are in Battle Creek, Michigan

**New Mexico**
'my car bounces' - They're as proud of their questionable heritage (they weren't the conquistadors, they were the conquered) as of their lowrider 1964 Chevy Impallas with hydraulic suspensions
.
**New York**
'My monthly rent check' - typical BigApple arrogance and bravado that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing (I should know, I was born there. Ehh, you got a problem with that.)

**North Carolina**
'a craft gallery AND 3 other stores' -  Asheville has the first gentified seedlings but a long way to go before it can be certifiably 'hipster'.

**North Dakota**
'bib overalls' - the fucking place is like an OshKosh B'gosh bib showrroom for adults

**Ohio**
'Where's my condom at' - Ohioans like ending their sentences with a preposition. They're also into kinky sex. See my piece: Sexual Deviation in Ohio: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/sexual-deviation-in-ohio-poetry-in-motion/

**Oklahoma**
'twister fries' - I made that up - but I'm sure some entrepreneur in Oklahoma came up with the same idea by renaming curly fries.

**Pennsylvania**
"'Tastykakes' - you can visit the Tastykake Bakery at 3 Crescent Drive, Philadelphia, PA 19112

**Rhode Island**
'wikit time' - sorry, I left out the 'clam chowdah'. Tasty, but too many sylables for my Haiku.

**South Dakota**
'Harley trike' - I saw my fair share of those silly toys at Sturgis. Crash one and your head becomes the air bag.

**Texas**
'72 ounce steak free' - The Big Texan Steak Ranch is a steakhouse restaurant in Amarillo, Texas famous for its best known for its 72 ounce (4.5 pounds or 2.04 kg) steak, nicknamed "The Texas King." The steak is free to anyone who, in one hour or less, can eat the entire meal, consisting of the steak itself, plus bread roll with butter, baked potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad; otherwise, the meal costs $72.00. Those who have successfully consumed the Texas King meal have their names recorded and posted at the restaurant. As of March 15, 2011, over 8,800 people out of about 50,000 have accomplished this feat.

**Virginia**
'Bowl of chili... Cheesy Western' - The Texas Tavern in Raonoke, Virginia claimes it's served '20 million bowl of chili and counting'. 'With' means add onions. 'Add a slab' means add a slice of cheese to your bowl of chili.

**Washington**
'rain, rain, rain' - Seattle is rainy/cloudy an average of 226 days per year

**Wyoming**
'Take the gravel road to the cottonwood tree then turn at the wheat field' - universal Wyoming directions - taken verbatim from my GPS

For a related piece see: Smartass Haikus for All 50 State Mottos
link: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/smartass-haikus-for-all-50-state-mottos/

See all my Haiku collections:
Classic Haikus [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-c/
Classic Haikus [E]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/classic-haikus-e/

and my TripAdvisor collections:
Trip Advisor: Travel America with Haiku [Texas]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-america-with-haiku-texas/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-a/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-b/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-c/

Trip Advisor: Travel the World with Haiku [D]  
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/trip-advisor-travel-the-world-with-haiku-d/

and my Jewish Haiku collection:
Haikus for Jews [A]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-a/

Haikus for Jews [B]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-b/

Haikus for Jews [C]
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/haikus-for-jews-c/
 
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