My mother's breath is tainted with alcohol
She's on my floor, sleeping away the dinner she refused to swallow
I try to forget she was never there, and remember how hollow
Her skinny love for me was, and I ate my way into her Hell
The first cigarette, the first drink, the first time I forgot to think
I was induced in her fairy tale, my morals wothout ink, to go on
I tried to slip away, grasp a hint of bliss
I did catch something, and that was a fish

Her name was Autumn
Her hands on my shoulders, mine on her hips
We were one glance away, and this time, it hit
An anchor she was, I left my dreaded life behind
I took her calloused hand, and she took mine
Our pasts weren't us, they were our luggage
We dropped it off far back, buried it, covered it
A pair of suicidal lovers, a kiss above the chin

I was pulled on a thread
Seven months of lies
She was a chameleon
No painful past of cries
She wasn't molested
Her mom wasn't at the end of the line
Her dad didn't abuse her
Now wasn't her time

She left me longing for another
Another Autumn, another lover
I didn't love her, I loved who I thought she was
I know I will see her again, when the leaves are dust
She is so sorry
Sorry I'm sad
She got to live the life
The life I never had

I yearn to forget the name of Autumn
Until the season leaves, fall from the pealing trees
I will lie in the lies of the baked brown leaves
Crumple them one by one, calming myself, forming ease
Chills form around my neck
The same spot my mother gripped my throat
It is so hard to love someone, who despises being loved
My mother, a liar, a man sitting above

I am sorry for all I caused you.
I saw you sink in my eyes and I lost you.
Thought it cost you,
To see me breathe in broken souls,
Never knew about the love I sold.
I ripped up all the truths in my head,
Wished me dead in a bed
Where I bled,
And the wind spoke.
All the secrets that I had inside me
Beat on the doors till they shattered and the lock broke,
I always felt like a flower on a hillside,
Mercy to the wind and you till I
finally died.
The sun set in my throat,
It rained in my eyes,
I had no where to go.
I am sorry that my anger left stains on your skin.
But you cut me with the lies you told,
And you broke me with things that we never could have been.
I sinned,
Serpents sliding down my cheeks.
When I speak,
Its like the tide is in my mouth,
The waves moving south until they're gone.
We build up our bodies,
Broken promises,
And whispers we hear in our head.
The foundation we've set is shaking,
It can't handle us breaking,
And can't handle us faking so tell the truth.
I have never lied to you.
But you took the love I gave and you threw it.
I never knew how my half a heart craved your hand but now I do.
You are like the greatest poison.
Moving through my own veins with no noise and,
My hands shake wothout my fix,
But you can't fix me,
Its true.
I need you to stay here now,
While I fly away,
Leaving you standing on the ground,
Don't frown,
You never needed me,
With concieded tragedy
Trembling from your lips.
And I know you can feel it,
Can taste materiality when you kiss.
My head is crashing,
My body thrashing
on the ground till its blue,
I'm not saying that I want to leave,
I'm just saying that you can't love me like I need.
I know it might be hard
But I'm looking so far
And all I can see is my tears.
How am I supposed to live this way?
Waiting day by day
For you to reveal all my fears.
You know I hate my future,
As much as I hate your present suture
You're letting dive into your heart.
I don't know how to start,
In a world where you're my world
But I'm not yours.
I say that I will leave and close the door,
Leave it a crack,
So I can see your light in the dark,
And find my way back.
All I asked of you was your hand,
Press it to my chest,
I know you can.
You make me resent all the words that I've said,
Went through your ears,
Passed by your brain and out your head.
You said,
You don't know how to help me,
I'm not the titanic that's sinking,
Just a person that's wishing,
that someone had taught me to swim.
I know you don't get me,
Don't understand what my head thinks,
Well darling that makes two.

I must caution you,
Against a world lacking conflict.

A wold enveloped in
Continual peace
is hell.

Without suffering,
Without anger,
There is no passion.

A world wothout conflict
Is a wold lacking the beauty of sacrifice
The love of conviction
The satisfaction of righting a wrong.

I must caution you,
Without wrongdoing, without war
There is no peace
Just
Consistancy.

Tell me this isn't just in my head
I'm hanging on by a thread
To a dream of sanity
Where there's some clarity
Of what I should do
Can't wait forever for you
To change your mind about me
Who I am Who we could be

It means nothing at all
Waiting here for the fall
I'm stuck waiting for you
To be here for me too
Hanging on to lost hope
Barely able to cope

Could you save me
Help me become free
I wish you were here
I need you to be near

When im wothout you
There's nothing I can do

You broke me and I admit it...day in day out chasing after you gets exhausting, trust me I get it. This relationship we have may very well be toxic, but I knew in the beginning when we first started this... this TORTUROUS game that you handed me, wothout a book of rules, because I learned the cost of it...But at the end of the day that game is the only thing that makes it worth being alive.... I'm trying to find a way out, a way to dance my way through without as much pain, a way to live without so much sorrow, a way to be ALIVE, because I don't want to JUST survive...anymore... but your voice so sweet and tempting, wrapping me up, pulling me in, leaving me with goosebumps and butterflies..... Its bliss... But love your games can be so cruel...you seemingly throw yourself at some and abandon others to rot, cold and alone, with nothing more than empty promises to keep them warm... Love you are bittersweet... But somehow I can't seem to get enough.

The scent of strong coffee reminds me of the mess hall on the Cleveland; smells of sausage and powdered eggs.. but its the deep brown of that "ground" whether the beans columbian or Starbucks from africa, early mornings now are remiss at 10am.
Pour a bowl of rice cereal, crackling in the milk ... My breakfast with the price is right on the hd flatscreen... The winners and applause motivate the late sleepers, wake and bake --wothout the chaos of fusion kitchens... I miss the smell of coffee in the early morning, on the pier, the brine of pacific highway beaches... Cali a far away dream...
Vegas smells of sin, **** and swill, sweat and skunky trees, smoke gets in the eyes,
Boys didnt cry... Why i wonder. A distant thunder, coastal storm,
Its the sound heard
From lives torn asunder....
Filthy as the ground, thoughts that stay awake with strong
Coffee
Grounds...

My Aunty Jane once possessed a cuckoo clock ,
as two little boys we watched it chime ,
holding our ice creams ,
bought for fifty pence .
I forgot about the panda cars and aunts cups of tea ,
and for a moment the cuckoo struck ,
it struck for me .

Cuckoo,
Cuckoo it sang with all its might ,
gracefully.
And  pritty soon the dancing girls came out ,
they turned and turned untill Jack came too .

And so I was sent to some far away place ,
with long green grass and meadows grazed ,
and where my little sister was nowhere to be seen ,
somewhere hiding in the apple green .

A long pole were girls went round ,
and didn’t stop ,
they wore masks to hide their faces ,
but they took me to far away places ,
playing hide and seek in the apple yard .


And still round and around they went ,
such was their contempt ,
then much to my lament ,
as i tried to leave ,

they drew me in ,
untill their childish games began .
My ice cream now was on the floor .

The  cuckoo clock chimed once more ,
my mummy said “ what a mess you have made “ .

Home I went wothout tea or cake ,
and sent to bed ,
oh for pity’s sake !
My sister walked in slammed the door ,
with Berlinda in hand and ,
with a smiling face said
“ you won’t see you’re toys no more “ .