From the time we were able to ride with our mother in the car, we wanted to spirit ourselves away. My sisters memorized the road names, the mechanics, to plot their escape—but I never learned to drive from watching. I didn’t pay attention to the roads, I can't read maps, and cardinal directions mean nothing to me. While they looked at the roads, I scanned the horizon, the sky, the trees, the beauty blurring by and wanted to fade into it. I wanted to be something beautiful, rooted, and constant--not to spend my life escaping pain, but to never have been forced to feel it.

There are many ways to escape
I have tried them all-
I walked out of the door
I tried to run out of the gate
I passed through the fence
I dreamed
I fantasized

Why I am still here?

when the sun surrendered
to the moon's seductive words of sleep
into my mind did
I delve deep--
I visited my memories
Piled carelessly on shelves
An endless library of my emotions,actions and reactions
which with every new day evolved
"Tell me,"I ask,"what is happiness again?for I've forgotten
what it's like to be free
Of gloom,to be unburdened."
"You still know joy,"my memories whispered,"we know you remember.
"We see what you see,hear what you hear,and make it somewhat sadder or sweeter."
"It's almost left my life,"I retort.
"I am idle with indifference,
I can't feel pain nor joy;why chance
pain by living your life at all
when you cannot feel other emotions?Why not just die?
Why bother?"
"Because there is always a way out,"
my memories reply."There's a door,
a ladder,a vent,a reaching hand.You
may be imprisoned,but there's more
to a prison than hopelessness and locks.all locks have keys,now you
must find yours;before you lose your way;there's no going back if you do."

with that in mind,I went home and dreamed of leaving;leaving the confines of the system,leaving my
sorrows behind me.