I COULD HAVE LOVED YOU
But I have all my love to a boy
Who couldn’t remember my middle name
Or that I didn’t like coffee
Who didn’t want me.
I should’ve loved you
When you played me your favorite song
(I think of you now as I sing along)
When you made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe
And you made it feel like the world was just you and me.
I should’ve loved you and spared the pain,
But hell it all just ends the same

My friend pressed his feet against me as slept today.
I liked the gentle pressure.
I watched him sleep and was glad to see him breathing.

When we parted in the stairwell he kissed my cheek.
I liked the gentle pressure.
It was warm and soft and full of him.
He lingered lightly and he knew I needed to feel him breathing.

He's only one who makes me laugh as hard as I used to.
So hard my stomach aches and I can’t breathe.
Sometimes I need to not feel like I’m breathing,
To be reminded that I am

He once told me that repetition decreases the value of a statement.
But he told me he loved me,
Over and over and over.

If our bones are,
Made of stardust,
Our hearts must,
Be made of something
More.
Perhaps within us,
We each have,
A beating star.

When his name starts to taste like your blood,
Stop forcing your voice to form it
And don’t you dare push it through your lips.
When his eyes start to feel like knives,
And making contact with them feels like blades in your back,
Keep your head down when he walks past.
When his skin starts feeling like sandpaper,
And you’re already smooth,
Pull your sleeves over your hands and pull away.
When his voice starts to sound like emergency siren,
Cover your ears,
And walk away from the disaster.

Last night I dreamt you loved me,
You whispered it,
Warm, and soft, and comfortable.
They say,
When you dream of someone,
They fell asleep thinking of you.
I hope that’s true.
I’d love to mean something to you.
(Say, did you dream of me too?)

We lay facing each other,
His bloodshot blue eyes watching mine.
I think neither of us wanted to be alone,
Neither of us wanted to be cold.
Neither of us said anything.
There was no movement except that of our beating hearts,
And that was enough to remind us that someone else is alive,
Until his hand finds mine,
And it’s almost better than what the both of us lost.