this place feels eerily familiar
the same empty walls and cold tile floor
i sit and stare at the ground
listening to the conversations
and preparing myself

“it’s just a check-up”
it’s a lie, they know somethings wrong
stand on the scale, take off your shirt
little did they know my temporary weight comes in the form of water

sit up straight, don’t forget to smile
she’s watching every move
“so tell me about your mood”
copacetic as always

she scribbles quickly on her clipboard
i can tell she’s going to offer again
“and have you considered?”
to tell you the truth im scared
but i need all the help i can get

so i’ll give it a try
60mg a day is a small price to pay
for the chance of balancing the chemicals and finding the light again one day

the dark is cold and im sick of being alone
i think it’s time to find a new home

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
i think you are brilliant
because you say what i wish i could without second guessing

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
thank you for standing up against our professor when he declared that females do not belong in the class

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
i watch the way your body grows in anger when you listen to the nonsense
and i know that you’re about to prove everyone wrong

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
don’t ever change
no matter how many times our professor hands you a paper with no comments and a C minus sits boldly at the top
i know that you deserve better than that

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
every time you say good morning and ask how i am, i wish i could talk to you more
i can tell we have a lot in common

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
im sorry i don’t even remember your name

i always wondered why women get “dolled up”
but men “suit up”
women put on layers of makeup and suffocate themselves wearing corsets
to become an object that a man will like to look at and use
but men clean up and dress professionally

it certainly says a lot about our society
the white woman’s 77 cents to the man’s dollar
and even less for the minority women

the media glorifies women of size 00
which is quite literally less than nothing
women are supposed to be so small
that they are less than zero

science tries to define a woman’s purpose as producing children and taking care of the home
but what about the women who are not fertile and live on the streets?

they will always ask a woman “how does she do it all?”
but when was the last time a man was asked the same question
when both of them have a job and a family to balance

men are not expected to assume the subordinate role
because society deems women to be inferior to men
when women continue to outscore men on the SATs and reading tests
but those men will be given the leadership positions the women rightfully deserve

the objectification
the classification
the learned gender roles
the discrimination
all empower the patriarchy

but we can dismantle it
one empowered woman at a time

over time i’ve grown to hate the mirror
because i stand there pulling my skin back
trying to help my skeleton stick out
and i’ll stare until i hate what i see

sometimes i miss the feeling of a constantly empty stomach
where i could feel light on my feet and compress more easily into an invisible shell of insecurity

they still watch me whenever i eat
to make sure im not just rearranging my plate at the dinner table
and they refuse to accept the excuses to why I’m not hungry

nothing tastes good anymore
because i can only feel it adding to my stomach or my thighs
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

on the billboards and the tv i see nobody that looks like me
and I’m sick of a number determining my worth
but that’s the price of being a woman

whether it’s being strangled with a measuring tape or told to lose ten pounds
then being told that you are too skinny to bear children
why does it always define me?

at least at the end of the day
i can trace my collar bones
and remember when i was thin enough to be called beautiful
and before i learned how much my body would determine my life

people like me are dangerous
because we disguise ourselves so well
that nobody can tell us apart from
the crowd

people like me are cautious
we put on a mask and hide
but all it takes is one moment
one slip away from being found

people like me are trying
to just get through the day
without breaking down into tears
but it takes everything out of us

people like me are afraid
of the look in someone’s eyes
when they find out and want
to expose us

people like me are surviving
so well because we know how to act
we’ve been learning our whole lives
behind closed windows and doors

people like me are high functioning
because we have to be to get by
we are strong on the outside
but hurting deep inside

people like me scare me
because you’ll never know they needed help
robin williams, amy winehouse, mac miller

people like us are living among you
walking by you on the street
smiling at you
and you would never know

it’s been so long
since we sat there staring at the bridge in the distance
your arms wrapped around me
keeping me safe from the chills the wind loved to give me
sharing our secrets under the moonlight

it’s been so long
since we listened to this song together
and i laid there with my head on your chest
feeling your heart beat in time with the music

it’s been so long
since we kissed in the rain
and you sat there holding me
when you realized you would have to hold me tight to keep my broken pieces together

it’s been so long
since we touched skin to skin
our bodies so entwined we almost got lost in each other
and i could see your eyes looking right at my soul

it’s been so long
yet when i listen to this song
i still think of you

but now the lyrics hit home for me
i don’t think you knew me at all
i dont love you
and i never did

it’s been so long
but i still remember that i didn’t love you
and i wasn’t ready

damaged
a word never described it so perfectly
it functions good enough
but wear and tear over time
has taken away the shine
damaged
like scrap parts sold for cars
once it was beautiful and whole
but it sits on its own
and even if it does find another home
or something to complete
it will still stand out
like mismatched socks
damaged
when they look at him they see character
every dent tells a story
of tough times and how they only made him stronger
but in her they see something wrong
a machine broken beyond repair
if she could she would smash her entire being and watch the pieces shatter
because at least something obliviated
doesn’t have a false sense of hope
blindly dragging it along
wondering if one day things can be repaired and the damage be undone
damaged
we don’t know when along the way it happened but it did
and it has altered everything about her
from the way she smiles to the way she sees the world
i wish i could show her how to re-wire her brain so her thoughts can be reset
and the pieces can rearrange until they feel like they are where they’re supposed to be
but she is damaged
i am damaged
a word has never described me so perfectly
damaged