I did not realize that it was a gene

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me.


Isolation in the form of small fingers wrapped

Around my own,

Stuck inside these four walls

Tiny shrill screams inside a tiny home.


A piece of advice,

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me,

'You should get a TV, it can be good company’

I get my daughter ready for bed.
I change her diaper,
Put her in a fuzzy and warm sleeper,
Brush her teeth while singing her the ABC’s.
I let her pick out her bedtime story,
Her favorite?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
She excitedly points out the animals’
Eyes, tail, fur, or wings.
I kiss her goodnight.
I tuck her in tight.

I try to imagine being you,
But I cannot for too long.
A mother just like me,
Living in Palestine.
Your own mother long gone,
Wearing her old house-key around your neck.
Your own child in your arms,
As you rock and rock
Such a small body that doesn’t breathe.
I try to imagine saying goodnight
For the last time.

I do not know your name,
But I do know you.
I can feel you.
Your pain. Your anguish. Your rage.
Your want to ruin the world
For letting this happen.

I too wish I could ruin the world for you.

When you speak to me my teeth ache
Our sweet fantasy has begun to decay

I took his hand
He led me into the water
Wrapped his fingers around my throat
“I love it when you choke”

I want the apple,
I want the snake.
I want my fruitful bite to take.

I want to swallow,
Naked and unashamed.

The juice dribbling down my chin,
Defiance has always been my biggest sin.

There.
Right below my sternum,
That’s where you want to make the incision.

Cut it out of me, please.
I want to see if this dark thing inside of me
Is as ugly as it feels.

I am hurting inside.
I want to let it out.
But it has nowhere to go.

How do I protect you from all the men?
The men that will stare at you until your skin itches,
The ones I will unknowingly introduce you to,
The ones that take advantage of your innocence
Until you are stripped of it.
My beautiful baby daughter,
I want you to stay this small
Where you don’t know you are a woman at all.

Can’t you feel it?
The slow yawn of time
Snapping it’s mouth shut.
Time
Chewed me up.
Spit me out.
Flesh, sinew, bones and hair.

Please, take me away from here.
I just need to get through this day,
This week,
This month,
This year.
I don’t know what I’m getting through.
What I’m going towards.

My heart beats a death march drum,
My fingers scrolling through a death feed.

Distract me.
I want to close my eyes and rest.
I never seem to wake up refreshed.

What do you want to do to me?
Grab my arm
Watch the skin turn red under your white fingertips
Kiss me, mark me, hate me, love me.
Every word you won’t say is written on my face.
I am your mirror.
Don’t look away.

I press my lips to yours
A caress; soft, gentle, malleable.
I am malleable.  
Pick me up, please,
Pick me, shape me, mould me
Tear me apart with your big strong hands.
The caress turning into a sting,
I feel relief when you hurt me so sweetly.

I knew it the second two lines appeared
I knew it when I saw your heartbeat
I knew it when I felt you move inside me
When I gave birth to you
When I held you

That my heart grew three sizes too big for you
And it broke for me

For the me that stayed up too late
Drinking and talking and making love
For the me that got up early
To watch the sunrise make coffee
Read a book in the quiet peace
For going on spontaneous road trips
And making ****** art with my friends

I miss my friends
I miss going on midnight swims
Camping in the middle of nowhere
Smoking a guilty cigarette
Staying up so late it’s early

I am no longer young and wild and free

I am her mother

She needs me

Growing up I thought love was
Stolen kisses, heart racing
Butterflies.
It was falling so hard
And hitting the ground each time they said goodbye.

Maybe love is just consistency
And infatuation is erratic—
Like your heartbeat when
You’re around them.
The silence when they leave is so loud.
I wish I learned how to drown it out.

Now I know that love is
Slow, deliberate kisses.
Slow, deliberate *******.
His hands wrapped around my back
So tightly I am enveloped in him.
It’s waking up next to the same person for years.
It’s crying into their shoulder
And them crying into yours.
It’s them whispering when they’re mad,
Never calling you names.
Even when you hurt them.
Even when you deserve it.

I love our comfortable silence now,
I never have to be anybody but me.
He loves me.

Caught between wanting to run away
Wanting to stay
Terrified that either choice will leave me
Unfulfilled;
Wishing I had chosen the other.

I feel as if my life is a dream
Like I’m not really living it, really.
Maybe I’m watching it from afar,
Is this consciousness all there is to me?

The time to choose is slipping through my hands
Passing with birthdays and promotions
Anniversaries and holidays
Marking one more year
But one more year to what?

What is MY story??
What is MY existence?
More importantly,
What does my existence mean to me?
What do I want out of it?

For so long I had wanted to **** myself, but I didn’t.
Maybe I wanted to **** myself because I knew how sad my life would be.
Maybe I now know the choices I need to make because of that statement.

All I do is want and want want want—
So much it could eat me alive
If I’m not careful I will  
Swallow myself up whole
Without stopping to take a bite.

I want to run away
Back into the seventh grade
I want to lay my head on my mothers lap
And feel her comb her fingers through my hair

I want to go there
To that moment we became friends
That bond we thought could never end
Our youth spent on wanting to grow up

I want to feel complete again
I fear that was the last time I ever did
Time is my worst enemy
I cannot seem to stop it
From forgetting to pick me up,
And move me along with it.

I’m so starved for conversation
For a friend
I just really want a friend
I just need one
Just somebody who likes to be around me
And we can talk for hours or sit in silence
And still have fun
We could gossip and do each other’s makeup
And I could let them cry on my shoulder
And I could cry on theirs
And they would listen, really listen to me
And understand me

I am alone
I have no friends
Not even one
Nobody likes to be around me,
Or talk to me or even be in the same room as me.
I’m no fun.
I can’t gossip because I have no friends
And my shoulder is hard to cry on
And I cry too much for theirs
My problems are minuscule,
Nobody could empathize with me.

I am sitting alone in my bedroom.
I just got off work.
My boyfriend is still gone.
Nobody is home.
In this infinitely finite pocket of time,
It almost feels as if I do not exist.

The bedroom door is closed,
I picture space and nothingness beyond it.
It surrounds my room,
It creeps in my head.
This cage of loneliness does not leave.

I know right now,
Nobody is thinking of me.
Nobody is wishing they were next to me.
If I were to just disappear,
Nobody would notice.
That is freeing, and terrifying.

Consciousness is a cage
I do not wish to live in anymore

Can’t catch a break or my breath
I’m going to die from all this stress

You’re all sharp teeth and jagged edges
Every time we touch it’s electric
Slowly taking bites from my hips to my lungs.
Break my ribs open
There’s my heart next to my shattered sternum
When you pull away my breathing is ragged
Lick the blood off your bottom lip.
Smile.
Kiss me with it.

I am a bottomless ocean
Keep digging in
See what uncharted breadths I hold
I’m a new species of lonely
A new species of tired
I’m a new species of run down

I’m a brand new car with 300,000 miles on it
A newborn child that doesn’t scream when it cries
A kitten that doesn’t play with string

I’m a pretty broken thing

I guess the best way to describe what I’m feeling is I’m in a crowd and we are all running but I keep falling down they step right over me panicked I’m panicking I feel their weight I can’t get up Im up I’m up I’m running again I’m getting away then I get shoved and ****** im back on the ground and it hurts worse every time it’s harder to get back up every time dejected when I fall and weaker when I get up

I wonder when I will finally just stay down
Give up the fight
Close my eyes

My feelings have been bottled up for years
My mind is heavy with thoughts
Stretching back so far I have no memories,
Just feelings and moments

When I drink they crowd around
And whisper the darkest things
I wonder if what they say is true

I eat and eat and eat
Till my stomach distends
And when I burp I feel the pressure
Feeling so full
Is the only thing that makes me feel...full

I feel the night take a different taste
The kind that only happens when it’s late
I lick my teeth, and swallow it down,
Letting danger curve my lips
And sink into the swing of my hips

Take me into your bed
Let me burn my kisses
Down your neck
and down your chest

I don’t want you to be able to touch your own hips without shivering and remembering how it felt when I felt them

I am a butterfly caught in the rain
A child who swam too far away
I am running with no escape

wine, cigarettes, and sin
What I wouldn’t give for a taste of that
Of you

I see you’re still doing ******,
I hope when you pick at your face
You’re still just “having fun”
I hope that when the doctor told you
You have *** from sharing needles
You laughed it off and didn’t cry
I hope that when you look in the mirror
And come face to face with
What you have become
You can smile triumphantly and say
“Wow I sure showed her”

The track marks run all over your body
Places I used to touch for hours,
Your hands and wrists and arms and thighs
Seeing you like this
Makes me want to cry

Seeing something I loved
Become so broken

I love you
And I think you’re **** as hell
Tell me how I can fix this,
How to make you laugh like you used to.

I’m sorry that I’m so broken
I had to break you, too
I Carved your scars out to match mine
So I know the tears you cry
Taste just like mine
So I know your wounds won’t heal with time.

Am I making you think you’re nothing,
Like how I think I’m nothing?

Ive already hit rock bottom
Watch me drag you down here with me
We can sit in the dark
And try to make sparks
Then fall asleep cold
And do it all over again

I wonder if stars worry they’re not bright enough
If even the sun with its life giving light
Feels dim sometimes in comparison to the others.
I wonder if we are all stars,
Beautiful to other people but unknowing in ourselves.
I know that even when my light dies out and I implode into a black hole,
It will take years for people to notice I’m a burned out nothing, floating in nothing.

When will I be good enough
And not too much?

Will I ever be content
With this life I’ve built
With these strangers I
Call friends that surround me

I look in the mirror
Nothing seems to look familiar
Even my eyes have lost their life

They say don’t drink on an empty stomach
I think I will just so I can finally throw up

Maybe he doesn’t want to
Make love to me
**** me
Hold me kiss me
Be with me

Because I’m simply too fat
It hangs from my arms and chin
My fat weighs down every step
I take making the whole earth
Shake and shudder,

I’m tired of people saying
“You carry your weight well”

I’m tired of people saying
“She was prettier 2 years ago”

I’m tired of my boyfriend saying
“Not tonight, I’m tired”
Every night

Maybe the world would love me
If I lost 50 pounds,

Maybe I would love me
If I lost 50 pounds.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I could breathe,
If I got all this weight off of me.

He was loved by pastors
And drug addicts on the sidewalks
He was loved by his parents
And all his ex girlfriends,
He was loved by Jesus
And he was loved by ****** too.

His mother worries
Satan wanted him in hell
Just as much as God wanted
Him in heaven.

I wonder what his funeral
Looked like
I wonder what irony God had placed
Inside his heart that day.
Battle drug addiction for two, three, five years.
Get clean.
Then get run over by your own snowmachine.

Let your friend find it idling on top of you.
Let your mother cry over you
One
Last
Time.
Because she’s saying “he will be loved, he will be missed.”
But she’s loved him and missed him for years.

I think of you every now and then,
How it felt to kiss you
And how it felt to be near you.
I think of how you’d message me
Out of the blue, and how you’d always say
“You were my first love, Lindsey.”
Hell, most of my first poems written on here
Are about how much I loved you.

And now I’ll never know.
Now I’ll never get to say anything to you
Ever again.

Sometimes when I think of you it’s almost like a buzz going on in my pocket.
Like you’re messaging me late
And asking how I’m doing.

I’m doing fine, Jacob, I’m doing just fine.

My friends aren't supposed to
Look like
This
Hollowed out
Sallow yellow
Cheeks.
***** teeth.

Heating up their medicine
Inside a metal spoon
Stick it in,
Just to get that feeling soon.

Wasting time,
Wasted on the floor,
Nodding off,
Giggling galore.

Jumpy eyes
And uneasy smiles
"Lindsey don't you
Want to stay awhile?"

But they've already left,
Off to their next fix,
Too bad they've amounted
To Alaska's Valley hicks.

I want to be a beautiful creature,
Whose eyes sparkle and whose smile
Makes others smile.
I want to be a poet, a writer, a
Down to earth artist that isn't ******.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to enjoy drinking coffee and tea,
I want to smoke my cigarettes and make
People think, "**** I want to kiss that mouth."
I want my soul to be open
And each hand that cradles it, or
Flips through its pages,
Feel the thickness in its papers
And the weight of its words.

I want photographers to take pictures
Of my hands and the way I stand,
Look at them over and over again,
Plaster them against their walls
And grin when they see them.

But do you know what I really want?
Even if the world hates the way I talk,
Hates the way I laugh, walk, and exist,
I want you to love all of these things about me.

I want you to think that I'm a good writer
With a good soul.
I want you to take pictures of me because
Even though we are together forever-
You just need to capture this moment forever too.
I want you to hold my soul in your hands
And plant kisses upon the dog eared pagers.
I want you to bring flowers to my work, yes,
And I want you to love me like today is our last.

Instead,
You carry my heart and soul around in your back pocket, sit on it and only take it out and unfold it and read its contents when you're bored.
You hate poetry, you hate my poetry,
And you hate the way I love it.
You never take pictures of me
Because you don't think I am beautiful enough
To be captured in these moments together.

So the whole world hates me and you don't mind me.

I pretend not to mind me either.

Two years ago I wrapped my arms
Around my body and
Sang myself to sleep,
When I woke
I woke up to chilly
Air and an empty bed,
No matter the time of year.
Wherever I went, silence followed.
Showers sounded like quiet rain
In the forest,
Eating sounded like an upset dinner table.

Then came you.

Now we sleep sprawled out together
On my full bed and when I wake up
My arms reach for you,
In the morning it sounds like
Laughter and water splashing
And me rinsing your back off.
It sounds like sizzling bacon and
Scrambled eggs. Coffee and orange juice.

Our bedroom always smells like ***
And our cars smell like cigarettes.
Your college notebooks clutter up the
Chairless dining table,
Because we are still too broke to buy chairs.

At night our neighbors hear my voice
Reading to him all the books I think
Are worth reading.

They hear laughter, giggles and *******.

They hear the beginning of a family.

Are you in love with your depression?

Because I sure am with mine. My life
Is a sunny day and ice water right now.
Yet I still see clouds touching the mountains.

I wonder what brought me to jump at every crack
On the sidewalk.

So I trace my steps back and reopen every healed scar along the way,
And laugh at the lies I told myself about life being okay.

I wonder how I got here, laying next to a 6'4" beautiful giant who is in love with me,

And I wonder if I love him for him or if I love him for loving me.

I can't ruin it this time.

Take my hand and hold it dearly,
Baby you take my breath away.
Take every last kiss I have left to give,
I want my lips imprinted on your skin.

Take my left ring finger,
Baby take my last name away because I want yours.
Take every last laugh out of my lungs,
I want my happiness to be yours.

Take the heat from inbetween my legs,
Baby take every moan from my mouth
And leave it sighing in your ears.
I want my pleasure wrapped around you.

Take my years, let them slip by with new memories of you,
Baby let's take our love and make a family.
I want you to take me and let me make this a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, I'll give you a family.

Take me, baby, I'll give.

How do I keep the ugly feelings inside from coming outside and being okay with it deep down Im not. The ugly isn't dissipating its growing and I can't stop it anymore

Am I really that mean
Do I really have that much hate in my heart

I want to
Take you
Into
My bed.

In the morning I'll leave you
In between the sheets,
A mess of short hair and
Sticky thighs.
Soft sighs.

Your back, broad
And wounded.
You take a shower alone.
You wince under its spray.

You never got my name.
Only heard me whisper yours.
Look for something in my drawers,
In my cabinets.
Find nothing.

Scrawl your number on a piece of paper.

Leave with the hope of me calling you back.

Know, that once you shut that door,
You'll never see or hear of me again.

Your arm is draped around me.
Your soft snores. Your head is on my shoulder.
You are starting to sweat because you sweat in your sleep.
All you have on is a t shirt and socks.
No boxers.
Its 8:35 am and my world has never been as perfect as this. Sunlight creeps through my window.
You're 6'4 and roughly 215 lbs,
But all I see is a sweet little boy.
Your gauges are 5/8" and black.
You wear vans, black craft cult, and zumiez only.
You have thick brows over green eyes.
Dark hair.

I love your hands, long slender fingers that seem to be twice my size.

I love your legs, long ropey and strong. And hairy.

I love your lips and the way they pucker out when you're asleep and I love ever single one of your teeth.

I love your morning breath and the way you wake up.

I love your choppy, ragged breaths when you're inside me.

I love your nervousness, even though I hate it.

I love you.

Sneaky obsessed *******-
If you don't like what I write
Get the ******* of it!
I only told you about this place
Cause I trusted you,
Cause I thought I loved you.

Don't you turn the words Im feeling
Into some kinda crime.
Don't get offended- its not meant for your eyes.

Its meant for mine.

You are worth it to me.
I'd trade all the stars
And the sun for you,
I'll walk in the moons
Pale light to see your pale face.

I'd trade every cigarette
I've ever smoked or I'll ever smoke,
I'll breathe in your
Intoxicating scent instead.

I'd trade all my first kisses,
All my hugs and first loves.
I'll pour my young love
And my old love into your pores.

I'd trade every laugh I've ever heard,
Every delighted giggle
Just to hear you laugh
Every time I'm nearby.

I'd die for you, yes and,
I'd live for you and die with you.

You're such a different breed,
Than any man I thought I could need.

Oh baby,
        You're the one for me.

I look into your eyes-
I feel it.
I feel it when we kiss.
When you hold me.
When you touch me.
I feel it when you laugh
I feel it watching you **** down
Cigarettes like you're looking for
Lung cancer.
So I'll kiss you back
And hold your hand
And caress your face softly.
I'll make you laugh just to hear it-
I'll kiss the smoke off your lips
And exhale it into the night air.

Because I love you.
I love you.

I haven't been able to say it,
It gets caught in my throat.
It scratched my tongue till
I cough it out when you're not around.

Kiss me till my lips are swollen.
Hold my hand just a little too tight.
When you grab my hair, yank it
And when you kiss my neck, bite it.

I don't know how to love
Without pain anymore.

I feel my brain has disconnected from my body.
Every scentence I say, I regret. I am my
Worst
Critic.

I'm watching my life through
A window, my fingers balled up
Against the glass as I watch
Minuted hours and days pass.

I wish I could slip back into my
Body, but my hands feel like
I'm wearing gloves all the time.

Is this depression?

I sleep for 13 hours straight
Then don't sleep for almost 24.
My body is lost without my mind.

Is this depression?

I **** down cigarettes
Every **** day.
I hardly eat.
I can't remember my last meal.

Is this depression?

I cut myself to see if I could feel it.
I cannot feel it.
But its summer, and its ugly.
I don't like the way it heals.
I just like the way it bleeds.

Is this depression?

I dream of you every day.
I wish I was with you all the time.
I sleep, hoping you'll come to wake me.
So that I'll never wake up.

I want to hold your hands
And kiss your cold, numb lips.
I want to fall with you
Into the nothingness.

Oh, Death.
I wish you would come
Take me away from this place.

I have a baggie of sleeping pills.
I slept for 12 hours straight on them.
But when I wake,
I awaken to my life.
And sigh because I don't
Want to live it.

Good things come to those who wait.
I am waiting.
Good things come to those who wait.
I am waiting for you.
Good things come to those who wait.
I will always be waiting for you.
Good things to come to those who wait.
I will wait for you to realize what you want.
Because
Good things come,
To those who
Wait.