I envy birds.

They have this
special part of
their brain that
is only for singing.

They come in
multiple colors
and everyone
is exceptionally
beautiful.

But most of all,
they have wings.
They can fly to
south for the winter.
They can go to places
most of us can't.

They are free.

I keep looking at old broken clocks
and I can't help but think
about how time passes when
I'm with you.

It was like a deer running for it's life
while the lion is gaining ground-

it was too fast,
too fast,
that only heartbeats were heard.

What we got was short,
too short,
that even words can't seem to fit in.

And everytime the clock strikes twelve
and I knew I must go,

Then I realized I am not Cinderella
and I can stay.

I look at broken clocks and realize
that clocks decide to stop,
because it decided not to be
controlled by time anymore.

And with that in mind,
we got all the time
in the world.

i. I will see you again in the weekend.

ii. It's been months since we last talked,
months since I've felt something again.
Today's different.

iii. You see my dear,
nothing really ever lasts,
especially with me.

iv. Emotions fade,
feelings disappear,
moments pass,
people go,
dreams are forgotten.

v. I would like to think
you're the exception,
that because of you,
I'll finally have something
to hold on to,
something to remember,
something to look forward with.

vi. But that's not the case.
I forget to remember,
you forget to cherish,
we forget to nurture,

we forget us.
(If there was even an us.)

vii. I will see you again this weekend.
And it's like starting with page one,

I'm confused with what to feel about that.

They say that there is
always something
unspoken between
two people,

and sometimes I think
our was the three words
we're too afraid to say,
like everyone else.

I think we'll never gonna say it,

but we know,
deep inside.

Right?

I admit, I don't like exerting effort.
I am sorry but I am not gonna hold on
when I feel that all you want is to let go.
I am sorry but I am not gonna run after you
the moment you decide it's not worth it anymore.
I am sorry but I am not that kind of girl.

But that doesn't mean that I am not
gonna cry when you slip away,
that my heart won't be crushed to pieces
when I see you with someone happy.

It's just that I want to be free.
I don't want to weigh you down.
I want you to be with someone
that deserves you.

My door is open but I am sorry,
I am not going to keep you inside.

Tell me a story of how the world started
and I will tell you the story of how it will end.

Well, for instance, this world is made from
broken pieces of collision held together by gravity.
Beautiful isn't it? To sustain a life, though broken,
by being grounded. "It's a failed star," I read once.
Maybe, but it's no less than a marvel.

There are many possible ways it could end.
My favorite is the sun collapsing and turning
into a blackhole. What? It could happen.
Anyway, being ****** into dark abyss is scary, yes
but I am dying to know what's on the other side.
Excuse the pun. What if it's a gateway through something
more breathtaking than where we are today?

You told me the beginning and I told you the end.

What we don't know is there couldn't even be one.
Just a blurry transition in time, reliving it over
and over and over again.

There is a term in chemistry,
particularly in the nucleophillic
addition of alkyl halides called
pentavalent transition state
that says there could be partially
formed bond and a partially broken
bond existing at the same in a carbon atom.

Sounds nice because there is still a chance.

But my professor said that that cannot last forever.

One bond must be fully broken
in order for one to stay.

I know I have to leave...

but can I stay at least a little more?

I still remember
the first time you held my hand
and how I forgot how to breathe.

I still remember
the first time you kissed me
and how that literally took my breath away.

I still remember
the first time you told me
I was the most beautiful woman in the room
and how I took your breath away.

I still remember
the our first big fight
and the difficulty of breathing in between sobs.

Now,
it's the first time we're truly apart
and I can't help but long for the days
where I'm breathing the same air as you.

All I do these days
when I'm not drowning myself in work,
away from you-
is remember all those firsts,
and my breathing pattern,
and how I felt truly alive.

You put your arms around me.
You smiled your real smile.
You held my hand.
You ran after me.
You looked deep into my eyes
and said how serious you were.
Oh god you made me feel loved.

But it was just a dream.

It hurt.
It hurt waking up.

I wanna go back

to my dream,

*to you.

Stop looking at things that hurt.
Stop thinking about what you did wrong.
Stop thinking about those people
and stop giving them every little bit
of your energy that you should be
giving to yourself.
Stop asking for forgiveness when
you know you did nothing wrong.
Stop asking them to come back.
Stop running after them.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.

You don't need them.
They don't deserve you.

I have sent a lot
of people free- everyone,
except for myself.

There's nothing she desires more than to fly, to be free, and she says she's sorry if she never stays.

There's nothing he desires more than to come home, to feel safe and he says he's sorry if he never comes out.

There's nothing she wants more than to find someone to fly with.

There's nothing he wants more than to share his home with.

One day she landed.

One day he came out.

Fate build a bridge and you know what happens next.

He grew wings.

She learned to walk.

She's at home.

He's free.

If you think this is the end, it's not.

We're just starting.

My poems are mine and
I don't think it's time for you
to get to know them.

They are not ready,
I know you are not ready,
I am not ready.

When the time is ripe
and these words finally made
sense to you and me,

maybe, just maybe
I'll let you sneak a peak and
give them one by one.

In my dreams, my soul wanders
and sometimes it bumps to yours
and I guess you can call it crazy,
but I think you are having the
same dream as I do and
when the sun rises and wakes us up,
your mind forgets,
but you feel this something inside
and maybe it's your soul longing
for mine.

Because to tell you the truth,
I always get this kinds of feeling
in the morning, when I look
beside me, and see you're not here,

and I know it's my soul
craving for yours.

I now don't mind that
you look at me as if
I were glass.

Because when I started
looking at you the same,

my vision has never been so clear.

I was fine you know.

Eventually, I got over it.
I filled the hole that you left
the day you decided that you'd
never want anything with me anymore.

We kept it silent.
Our friends, they never really felt
the cold air hanging between us,
just like they never felt the spark we once had.
Are those sparks even real?
Or am I just imagining things?

Life was tougher than it already was
when college started and you were
never around anymore.

I watched you grow fond of your new life,
how happy you looked without me in the picture,
without me acting as dead weights over your ankles.

Then I decided,
I could be happy again.

I was fine without you before,
I will be fine without you now.

And you know what?

I was right.

I met new people and
they brought me back to life.
They made me feel wanted
and appreciated and special.
They invited me over dinner
and movies and parties.
They were there when I got
my first tattoo, when my birthday
came, they surprised me.

I was happy again.

Why do you have to ruin that?

Why do you have to come running
back to me?

Why do I keep opening up my door for you?

Why do I keep wishing you'd stay?

Why did you make me want you again?

I was happy.

HAPPY.
GENUINELY HAPPY.

Why did you have to take it away?

Why did you make me fall for you again,
when we both know you will never catch me.

I was fine without you.

Why did you have to erase
the progress I made?

Really not the kind of girl
people write poems
or make paintings about.

Rather, the one that will
leave you looking forever
for that perfect word,
for that perfect color.

I'm all over you
like fingerprints on tape, an
evidence that I
was there once, and loved my stay.

I guess it's true that
the reason why you fall in love
with someone may possibly be
the reason you fell out of it,
and it doesn't only apply
to your romantic partners
but also to friends.

You get to know them deeper
and you see things you don't like.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that at the
end of the day,
you choose to stay,
you choose to accept them.

That's what friendship is.
That's what love is.

Hahaha hi it's almost two am here and I know I should probably clean this paint mess I did and go to sleep but I don't want to. I feel like I'm drunk, like my heart is palpitating and my head is spinning and I'm struggling to type these words because my hands and my feet and face are numb right now and I don't know why because I haven't drank alcohol in months.

I just finished watching the meteor shower and I didn't bother making a wish because deep inside I know what I'd wish for and I think the asteroids knew it too- how wouldn't they, I talk about you every night.

Then I decided to finish this painting I started because I thought "hey, maybe this time I'll stick with something." And I did finish it and even though it's a girl, it has your eyes and your favorite colors and now I want to rip it and throw it away. Hahaha

This *****. You ****. I ****. This feeling *****. Wanting you to be here *****. Wanting to be there *****. It does. It does. It does.

I'm going to sleep now, maybe, I don't know. I'm afraid you're there and I'm afraid of the things I might say and I'm afraid of breaking down again.

i liked you not only because
you were amazing at
playing the drums,
guitar and piano.

i liked you because
i saw that spark in your eyes.

i liked you not only because
of your chiseled features.

i liked you because
you can be soft.

i liked you not only because
you promised to keep
me safe in world.

i liked you because
you promise you'll
walk beside me while
we travel.

i liked you not only because
you keep bringing
roses to my doorstep.

i love that,
but i liked you because
they were white
and you knew.

i liked you not only because
you make me feel safe,
safer than my own home.

i liked you because
you never gave up on me.

i liked you not only because
I can tell you my secrets.

i like you because
you tell me yours back
and maybe you do
trust me.

but i think
i don't like you
anymore...

i think
i love you.

Yes, she's very materialistic
but before you lecture her
about the impermanence
of things, about the importance
of human connection,
know this.

She is aware.
She knows the bond
between souls is incomparable,
that it is beyond words,
the way people open up.

She knows.

The only reason
she values things
as much as people
is that she longs
for something tangible,
something she sees,
something that is
always there.

Because for her,
people are birds.

They come.
They go.
Some come back.
Some don't.

I feel like I'm never
gonna open up,
not because I don't want to,
but becase there's no one
to open up to.

I like looking at people
looking at another person.

Sometimes, in their eyes you see

Awe,
wonder,
understanding,
confusion,
agreement,

Love.

Wi­ll anyone ever look at me like that?

I now pride myself
for having a soft heart and
knowing that I can
fix it by myself.

And if you promise to stay,
I'll let you strum my heartstrings,
I'll let you make my head pound.
I'll let you set free the butterflies,
and I'll you grow flowers in my palm.

Oh god, just promise me you'll stay,
and I'm gonna stop running away.

maybe i dont want
a relationship, maybe
just intimacy

Aren't we all?

Aren't we all in the process of changing,
in the process of growing up and
becoming a new individual all the while
staying the same?

Aren't we all walking along same roads,
just different directions?

And aren't we all discovering ourselves,
in the process of knowing others?

Aren't we all?

We have been reintroduced
a lot of times
and each introduction
had more impact than the previous,
each introduction had the
ability to shake me up
and all the walls I've built
are slowly flaking away
and a couple more, you'll see
the real me and I hope
that if it happens,
it will be last introduction
because there is no leaving,
no going away. Please.

You like the way I make you feel.
You like the fact that I am always there,
always listening, always comforting.
You like the way I make you laugh.
You like how I give you advises.
You like it when I prove you wrong
and when I ride with your adventures.
You like that I can sing with or for you.
You like how I see and understand things.
You like a lot of things about me
but that doesn't mean you like me.

And in my dreams,
you still called my name,
you still let it sting your tongue
and burned your throat,
you still smiled at me.

In my dreams,
you still tell me tales,
you still draw the stars
in my palms everytime
you hold them.

In my dreams,
I still exist to you
and you still
exist to me.

Too bad my dreams
never come true.

It's funny,
how she
can easily
see
the beauty.

In others,
but never
within her.

I don't know if I'm
gonna believe those songs.

I don't even know if
they were for me.

I don't know if I'm
willing to take that risk again.

Because I don't know if I can handle
another heartbreak, especially from you.

I don't know.
But I want to.

I don't know what
To feel about you.

It's like I want to hope
I still own your heart

But there's this voice
Saying you've found
Someone new.

But darling,
This is the first time
I don't mind being uncertain.

Only you can make me feel that.

Why did I ever let you go?

I wanted to ask you
what are we really,
what am I to you
but you might not
say anything and I'm
afraid that that's
what we really are.