do i love London
so much due to
nobody knowing
what has happened
to me here

where i can
act like i had
the perfect upbringing
where i can
pretend to not
know pain and suffering

or maybe

i love London
so much
because you have
shown me a new
way to look
at life and our trajedies

to not be ashamed
of them
to feel everything
as it comes

to relinquish control

since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

i always wondered
if i was capable
of loving and caring
for someone more
than my 7 year old self

it was not until
you entered this realm
Isla Kay

that you have shown me emotion
you have taught me
that i can cry
that i can scream
that i can laugh

if i am being honest Isla Kay

i never really thought i would heal
my 7 year old self
i have always thought i would just get by

but
watching life through your eyes
has made life worth living again

i thank you
for your 3 years on this earth
for showing me more love
than i have ever felt for myself


  -thank you for showing me how to live, how to be accepting, how to be apologetic, how to feel joy, how to feel again. I love you.